V.

by Emily N. Kay

  I wouldn’t have done it if I knew she’s gonna come to me that night.

  I could never forget her face when she realised what I was trying to do. It made me want to undo everything, go back to when I was doing my homework. I would’ve gone to the shower and then straight to bed. But it’s too late, and it suddenly occurred to me that I might actually die… in front of this little innocent ten-year-old girl…

  This ten-year-old girl didn’t hesitate to grab a towel and wrap it around my bleeding wrist, her breath was short, and she looked like she was about to pass out. But at least she didn’t scream.

  I told her it’s just an accident, but she wasn’t stupid.

  I told her not to say a word to my mum or Frank, and she just nodded her head without a word. Seconds later, she was crying. She threw herself at me, her little arms around my waist. She kept saying, “You can’t leave me, Josh! You can’t. You just can’t.”

  I’d never felt so needed in my life…

  She told me I have to live because Mum and I are the best things that’s ever happened to her. She made me promise to not hurt myself again. I agreed, but only if she would keep this a secret. She readily agreed.

  That moment, my step-sister had become something so important to me. More than she could ever comprehend. She had become my anchor to this world—my sole reason to live. And I was glad I didn’t cut too deep.

  Chapter 8

  Violet

  2017

  Violet didn’t like to leave Josh alone for too long. Although it’s already been two years since that night, she still couldn’t bear to take her eyes off of him. For fear of him hurting himself again.

  After that horrid night, Violet went everywhere with Josh. Even though they went to different schools, she would make him come pick her up. It did not matter that she would have to wait a little longer, have to go home a little late. She would wait for him.

  Her friends even made fun of her. “Ooh, Violet has a boyfriend! Violet has a boyfriend!” They were all laughing about it when they saw Josh coming out of the bus.

  But Violet told them—very proudly—that Josh was her brother. At first they didn’t believe her. Because how can someone just get a brother over night! That’s when the lies started to pour out. Violet told them that Josh was her long-lost brother, that they’d been separated at birth, but that now they’re reunited again. Violet liked the sound of that—to the point that she almost believed it herself.

  Josh, however, hated the fact that she lied. But Violet didn’t care. At least her friends seemed to believe her. Because she and Josh could really pass as real siblings, and that made her really happy.

  Now, they were inseparable. And all Violet’s friends who were laughing at her now became so jealous of her—for having such a great older brother who took such good care of her.

  Violet convinced herself that it’s all in the past now. What happened that night… it wouldn’t happen again. Josh promised her it wouldn’t, and Josh always kept his promise. Besides, he seemed happy now. And she liked to think that she’s a big reason why. Violet was sure Josh would never dare to hurt himself again as long as she lived.

  **********

  Lately, Violet noticed there’s something weird going on with her body. Her breasts started to feel sore and she noticed that she could no longer wear her favourite daisy top without her nipples poking out.

  Everything made sense the day she came home to find red spots on her underwear. It wasn’t embarrassing for her at all. In fact, she was thrilled. She’s finally getting her first period, which meant, she was becoming a woman!

  She ran out of her room, bumping into Josh, and she couldn’t help herself. “I’ve got my period!” she blurted out proudly.

  The shock on Josh’s face almost made Violet embarrass, but she did not have time to care. She ran downstairs to find Meg in the kitchen and excitedly told her the good news.

  Meg blushed and told Violet that tonight they’ll definitely be having a “girl talk.” And in that moment, Violet was so grateful to have Meg as her step-mother that she could cry. Disney and children tales had it all wrong. They all portray step-mothers as evil. But Meg was a fairy godmother. And her step-brother meant the world to her.

  But Josh started acting strange. Violet often caught him looking at her breasts, which were growing noticeably. And she would’ve been creeped out if it’s not for the way in which he had looked at her. It was not desire, or lust; it was more like… curiosity.

  “You look different,” he noted one time, when they’re hanging out in his bedroom, with him helping her with homework as usual.

  Violet just smiled, her fresh-out-of-braces teeth flashing. “I am different,” she replied. “I feel different.”

  He frowned. “How?”

  “I don’t know. I just feel like I’m ready, you know…. Like, I’m so ready to be an adult. I want to be beautiful like your mum!”

  “You’re only twelve, V…” he said drily.

  Violet let out a grunt. “And I’ll be sixteen. Soon.”

  Josh didn’t respond to that. He didn’t seem too thrilled either.

  “Why do you look like that?” Violet asked, amused.

  “Like what?”

  “Like… a dad who doesn’t want his little girl to grow up.” She giggled. “You look exactly like that.”

  He didn’t say anything back. He didn’t deny it either.

  Violet hated everything in her closet. Everything suddenly looked hideous. Childish. She needed real clothes—like those cute outfits she saw in Girlfriend.

  She hated it when she’s strolling down the streets in the city and she saw all those pretty older girls looking like they’re walking models, with shiny hair and perfect abs. Violet had never felt so ugly.

  Suddenly, there were so many cute boys. Out of nowhere. Everywhere! And she had become self-conscious—even though no one even glanced her way—absolutely no one…

  School will start soon, and she felt a strong need to rebrand herself. The outfits were not really the problem, she realised. Because she’ll have to wear the school uniform anyway. No need to spend much money on new clothes.

  But makeup… That’s what she needed!

  And so, Violet started to do some research. She spent her summer days watching a bunch of beauty tutorials on Youtube and reading a lot of cosmetics review on the internet. She made a list in her head of the brand and products that she wanted—a good tube of mascara, eyeliner, an everyday-colour lip cream, and most importantly, a bronzing and highlighting palette. She couldn’t wait to get her hands on them.

  Violet begged Meg to take her shopping at the mall, saying that it’s for her up-coming birthday. Which was actually three months away. Meg was busy with all the house cleaning so she let Josh take her instead. If it’s any other teenage boys, Violet had no doubts they would never take their little sister shopping for some stupid makeup. But not Josh… Josh was the best. Truly the best!

  Josh told her that she didn’t need these stuff. He said no one would be able to tell the difference anyway.

  Boys… Violet thought wearily. They all said they liked girls without makeup, that girls were most attractive when they didn’t try. But really… all the girls they stared at were the ones wearing makeup, and they definitely did try!

  Violet didn’t waste her breath arguing with her brother. She knew he’d never get it. It’s good enough that he’s here with her. Still, he kept frowning and grimacing at everything Violet picked up at the beauty store.

  “Why do you need two? They look exactly the same!” Josh remarked at the two lipsticks in both of Violet’s hands.

  She rolled her eyes. “They’re not! One is matte and the other is glossy!”

  Josh rubbed his temples with annoyance. “You can only get one, V. You already spent enough on things you don’t need.”

  Violet stared right at him. Then she started to pout, watching as his face started to soften, and… it’s game over. She’d gotten everythi
ng she wanted.

  All the things she “didn’t need” were all worth it though… Because when school started, the guys—as in cute guys from her class started to look at her differently. Even those random guys on the streets…

  Violet had never felt so beautiful.

  Chapter 9

  Josh

  The moment I knew I love V wasn’t when she saved my life that night, or when she got a new set of teeth, or when her hip started to get wider.

  I mean, I’ve always known that I love V. I hated seeing her upset and I never wanted to see her cry. I thought that was just me turning into a real brother, caring for his sister. But it’s not until the day that Kyle Rogers entered her life that I knew… I am in love with V.

  Of course, Kyle wasn’t the first boy in V’s life. But it was different with Kyle. V used to never give a shit about dressing for anyone, much less for boys. Kyle is the first guy that makes her question every outfit she puts on every morning. This guy is also the first to make V sulk in her room for hours whenever he ignores her texts, and one call from him would perk her right up.

  People say being in love means you get the butterflies in the stomach, the fluttering of heart, the feeling of fireworks when you kiss.

  But love isn’t always beautiful. And anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves because they know nothing about being in love with someone they cannot have.

  For me, love is the physical pain I get every time that I see her smiling at Kyle, laughing, and glancing at him like he’s the only thing that matters to her. Because I used to be that guy—the one who matters most to her.

  It’s not like I want to feel this way. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter. Who wants to be in love with their step-sister anyway?

  All I can do is hope and hope and hope that one day V will realise that she is feeling the same way. And together, we would make it work. Frank and Mum surely would understand. If we love each other—if we want to be together—then not even our parents can stop us.

  I’m still waiting for that day to come…

  **********

  I have spent the whole day at Frank’s store, and the only thing that got me through the day was the thought of coming home and finding V waiting for me at the dining table, with takeouts from that Chinese place we both used to love. I’m almost one-hundred-percent certain there are vegan options.

  But this little fantasy in my head is never going to get played out. Because the first thing V said to me when I entered the house was, “Can Kyle come over to sleep tonight?”

  My worst nightmare is slowly turning into a reality.

  “What?” I utter.

  I feel like I’m being hit by a truck. It angers me to think that she feels nothing when I’m with Caitlin when I feel so many things when she’s with Kyle.

  I look at V now. Her eyes are wide with hope, and all I can feel is pain. My heart clenches.

  “Please, Josh?” she pleads again, breathlessly, when I don’t say anything.

  “Frank asked me to look over you, and I intend to do just that.” I try to reason with her.

  She grunts. “Then don’t tell him! The best thing about having your parents out of town is so that you can do whatever you want! That you can bend the rules!”

  I stare at her in disbelief. “What did you expect, V? That I’m going to allow this? You’re kidding yourself!” I raise my voice.

  In my defence, she has to know that she’s being unbelievably irresponsible right now! Bringing a guy over? And over night? What is wrong with her!

  V now looks like she could burst into tears, but she presses her lips tightly together. “Call Caitlin,” she says. “You call her, and ask her to come and stay over so we can get even!”

  I let out a scoff. “I’m not doing that. You know why? Because I respect her. And I know she wouldn’t come to sleep over at some guy’s house because she also has respect for herself!” I spit, realising a little too late how much that will piss V off. “And I would never ask that of you. I would never want you to lie to Frank or Mum for me,” I add.

  She glares at me, tears brimming in her eyes, and my heart drops. Then I feel myself giving in to her. Yet again.

  “You’re supposed to be my brother,” she lashes out. “We’re supposed to help each other with these kinds of things!”

  Brother… I fucking hate it when she throws that in my face.

  If it’s up to me, I would lock her in my room and not let her out until she promises to never see Kyle again. But nothing ever gets my way, not when it comes to V. This is reality. And in this reality, I’m her brother, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

  From years of being V’s brother, I’ve learned that I could never say no to her. Because the last thing I want is for V to resent me. Although she could never love me the way I want her to, I can at least try my best to be the brother she can love.

  So I exhale, and it takes all of me to say, “Fine…”

  V’s eyes widen with surprise. “Really?” she breathes.

  “He can come. But he can’t stay over,” I say firmly.

  Her smile fades, but she nods. “Okay… That’s good enough, I guess.” She walks over and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek before she turns her back on me and disappears into her room.

  I swallow down the lump that’s rising up to my throat.

  Here it is again…

  Pain.

  Chapter 10

  Violet

  2019

  There was something about the new guy that caused such weird feelings in Violet’s stomach. Weird… But weirdly nice.

  He was not like all those other boys Violet had gone out with. There was nothing interesting about those guys. Sure, they were cute (otherwise Violet wouldn’t have considered them). But when she had shown just a little bit of her interest, they all came flocking.

  Boring.

  It was all too easy for her, and maybe she didn’t like easy.

  Violet wanted to give up on dating. There was no hope. And her interest in dating had gone down the drain when Isaac Hayes—the guy from her class whom she had exchanged exactly five words to—asked if she wanted to come have dinner with his family.

  That was when Violet promised herself she wouldn’t talk to school boys again. She can’t wait to go to uni.

  But everything changed when Kyle Rogers showed up. His demeanour, his confidence, and that dimple of his plus those wavy, golden hair… He’s so pretty Violet could cry. Everything about him excited Violet.

  The moment he walked into her science class—with one flip of hair—everything slowed. And when he finally caught Violet’s eyes, he turned away… like she was nothing.

  And that moment… was the moment Violet knew she wanted him to like her—for him to only see her and to only smile at her.

  Kyle was different than the rest of them. And it was like something was awoken in Violet. She loved challenges, and Kyle had become hers. The idea of chasing after a guy gave her the thrill—the biggest thrill.

  It was then that Violet understood the saying, we all want what we can’t have.

  Whenever she neared him, her heart would flutter and the feeling of excitement would course through her. It’s like when you’ve finally found something you’ve been missing and you didn’t even know that you needed it. He’s like fuel that lit up the fire in her, making her feel alive again. She had never felt this way about anyone before. She thought she used to feel this way for Tommy, her old crush, but that was nothing compared to the attraction she had for Kyle right now.

  It had only been a week since Kyle moved here, and every girl was so desperate to get his attention. A flock of them tried to sit with him at lunch and offered him the assignments he had missed. Violet told herself she would never be as desperate. She would wait for the right moment—the perfect time to approach him. Although she’s usually confident in herself, especially in the flirting department, she could barely find her damn voice whenever she had a ch
ance to talk to him.

  She had been waiting to gather her courage to go talk to Kyle—to tell him straight out that she liked him, that she wanted to hang out. Guys never turned her down anyway.

  But before she could do that, there were already talks of Kyle and Stacey being a thing.

  Violet had always liked Stacey. Although they weren’t the closest of friends, Violet had enjoyed Stacey’s company when they’re doing group assignments together. Stacey was snarky and funny but not in a trying-too-hard way. Stacey was also the type of girls who don’t hang with annoying girls, and so was Violet. But the thing that Violet liked most about her was how unfiltered she was. It was refreshing to be around someone who was so brutally honest, even when it was borderline rude.

  So when Kyle was sitting at lunch with Stacey one day, Violet wasn’t sure how to feel. Of course she was jealous, but she also kind of understood why Kyle would want to hang out with Stacey. She’s so cool and beautiful in her own unique way. Violet could only watch them from afar, at the table full of her guy friends who she’d been eating lunch with ever since she could remember. She wasn’t super close to them or anything. Violet liked to think of them strictly as her “lunch mates.” Honestly, Violet still could not tell apart Cal and Steven.

  But then the strangest thing happened. That same day, Stacey came to see Violet after school with a small grin on her face.

  “Hey, V. Can I call you V?” She cocked her head.

  Violet was strangely nervous, her heart suddenly beating so fast. It’s just Stacey… Why was she nervous? It’s almost like she wanted Stacey to like her. Which was really weird considering how she was supposed to be her biggest rival right now.