It's a Fugly Life

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Both men had an ugly side, and I couldn’t accept either of what I’d just seen.

  “I should go now,” I said.

  “Stay for breakfast? You do not want to miss my mother’s fresh hot chocolate. Please. And then I won’t bother you again.”

  My mouth watered.

  “Porfavore?” he batted his green eyes. “If not for us, then for the baby. I’m sure it’s hungry.”

  I narrowed my eyes. Low blow. But it worked. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

  The rest of Patricio’s family showed up shortly after he and I talked. I had to admit their banter—mostly in Italian and borderline comical when the hand gestures came into play—had given me a lift and a welcomed distraction from my dark as hell mood.

  His mother, who spoke the best English out of all of them, enjoyed telling me about Patricio’s pet duck when he was little. Apparently, his older brother’s dog ate it, which had sparked a lifelong feud. Then she and his father squabbled about some little detail of the story, but even that made me chuckle. Everyone roasted each other, but I didn’t sense any lack of love. As for breakfast, some cookie type of thing with powdered sugar and chocolate drizzled on top went perfectly with the most delicious coco ever. I seriously didn’t understand how they were all of a normal weight and still ate like this.

  After the end of the meal, I helped with dishes and then said my goodbyes.

  “You come back tomorrow for lunch, si?” his mother asked as I removed my apron and folded the dishtowel while the children—ages eight to fifteen—played soccer in the yard and the men argued about what attraction to see first.

  I looked at Patricio, feeling awkward.

  “Lily has to work tomorrow, but she will try, Mama,” Patricio interjected on my behalf.

  “Then when will we see you again? We must talk about the wedding. And soon, eh. Very soon!” She turned and smacked Patricio’s arm. I took that to mean that she wasn’t happy about him knocking me up before the wedding. Of course, he hadn’t knocked me up, and we weren’t getting married, so I took that as my cue. “Bye, all. It was a pleasure.” I scrambled out of there as fast as I could, wanting nothing more than to take a breath.

  Let Patricio deal with his family and his lies. I had to worry about me now.

  I didn’t know what Max had to do or give up to convince his mother to drop the charges, but she had. I’d gotten the news from Mr. Krane first thing Monday morning. It would’ve been great to have heard from Max, too, with a great explanation for his behavior or begging forgiveness, but that didn’t happen either.

  A week went by and not a moment passed when I didn’t think of calling or texting him. And while my aching heart wanted to deny what had happened, my aching head knew it was true. So though I didn’t want to eat, I ate. Though I didn’t want to get out of bed, I got out of bed. I carried on. Something about having my heart crushed by Max this time around felt vastly different than before. This time, I had someone else to think about. A tiny life who, for all I knew, was absorbing every miserable emotion I felt. But the one thing I was determined to overcome was this sense that I’d done something wrong. If I’d only been pretty enough or smart enough, maybe Max would’ve loved me more and wanted this. If I’d tried harder and he loved me more, he would’ve overcome his affliction.

  Bull crap.

  This time, I wasn’t going to allow the mental cancer to hurt me or to be carried on to my child. I had to fight.

  “Lily, so nice to see you.” Dr. Monroe held open the door to her office. I instantly felt more relaxed—the walk through her garden, the smell of vanilla and cinnamon in her tiny waiting room. Peaceful.

  “Thanks for making time.” I took a seat in front of the window overlooking the garden, and she took her usual seat across from me.

  “No thanks required. That’s what I’m here for. So…what’s been happening?”

  I looked down at my favorite black running shoes, the ones I’d worn the first time Max and I raced each other. He’d challenged me to run against him, the prize being a business trip to Milan and a Babs Levine fashion show. I’d played dirty and won, but that weekend had ended up being so much more than a trip to Italy. It had been the beginning of something wonderful and ugly and painful and beautiful. It had been the beginning of me and Max.

  “So?” Dr. Monroe prodded.

  I tugged down on the hem of my gray running shorts. Yep, I totally planned to sprint right after this. “Uh, yeah. Remember when you said I needed to end things with Maxwell Cole and use my tenacity on myself?”

  She smiled with affection. “I didn’t say you should end things. I merely pointed out that you had not had closure. But how did everything work out?”

  “Long story short, he knocked me up and ran for the hills.”

  Dr. Monroe’s jaw dropped.

  Nice. Even she’s shocked.

  Her dark brows shrugged. “Can you go into more detail?”

  “What more do you need to know?”

  “I find it difficult to believe he simply ran away.”

  Oh, yeah. I kept forgetting that Max wasn’t just some guy but a public figure of sorts. People had their perceptions about him, even my psychologist.

  “He didn’t run per se; it was more of a brisk, callus-prick-type walk.”

  “Lily.” She held out her hands in a stop gesture. “I’m here to help you see things in a way that might be closer to reality so you can make better informed decisions. So when I say that I find it difficult to believe he walked away from you, I’m not defending his character. I’m merely commenting that I find it difficult to believe any man would walk away from you. You are a very extraordinary woman. I even find myself talking to my daughters about you—albeit confidentially—but I do talk about you.”

  “What do you say?”

  “I find your resilience fascinating. Your loyalty and heart, too. You see the world in a way that is altruistic, but you neglect yourself in the process.”

  “What’s that have to do with Max?”

  “I only know him through you, but knowing you, I can’t believe he’d simply—out of cruelty—walk away like you’re hinting at. There has to be another reason.”

  “I can’t think of one. And I can’t believe you’d take his side.”

  “I’m not taking sides, I’m helping you see the other side. And right now, my thoughts gravitate toward the moments before your accident. You were so sure, so confident that he’d betrayed you that you lashed out at him and then nearly killed yourself.”

  God, what a horrible bitch! I hate you for being so right. “So I should allow him the chance to tell me what really happened and then I can castrate him and cry on your couch?”

  “Exactly.” She smiled.

  Fair enough. “I’ll tell you how it goes.”

  “Please do, Lily. Oh, and by the way, have you told your family the good news yet?”

  I cringed. “I’m waiting for the right time.” My parents’ stress over the matter would only add to the fire of this chaos called my life.

  “Which is when?” she asked in a frank, nonjudgmental way I very much appreciated.

  “When I know what I’m going to do with my life.”

  “I suggest, Lily, and this is not to pressure you, but I suggest allowing them to help you figure it out. That’s what family is for.”

  I nodded. “You’re right.” I was just used to dealing with everything on my own. But that needed to change. I couldn’t raise a child alone, nor did I want to.

  Max…goddammit, Max. Why couldn’t he have just been happy? I felt like he’d robbed me of something. A life as a family.

  I hadn’t realized it, but that was something I’d always believed I’d have when the time came. And now that he’d taken it from me, I wanted it more than ever. If not for me, then for this baby.

  “Thank you, Dr. Monroe. See you next week.”

  When I got home, I took a deep breath and decided it was time to call Max, like Dr. Monroe said. It went into voice m
ail, so I called Keri.

  “Lily! Ohmygod. Where have you been?”

  “I’m in California,” I replied.

  “You have to come back. I can’t put everything off any longer and people need to get paid. There are also five different store leases we’re about to lose if someone doesn’t sign.”

  “Where’s Max?”

  “Gone—he took off again last week.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  The awkward silence on the other end of the line made my skin crawl.

  “Keri?”

  She sighed. “He told me not to. He said he’d really fucked things up this time and to leave you alone—something about causing you enough damage.”

  Huh? “This makes no sense.”

  “Please, Lily. You have to come back. I gave up a great job to work here, and I can’t afford to be unemployed again.”

  I knew I was partly to blame for her losing her job earlier this year after CC was sold.

  Crap. “I don’t know if I can—I mean…it’s complicated, Keri.”

  “It’s not complicated, Lily. You own this company—yes, I know about it because I helped the lawyer with some of the paperwork. This is your vision, Lily, and we’re all behind you, but we need you. Max is…he’s…”

  “What? He’s what?” A giant jerk-faced creep?

  “I’ve worked for him for years,” she said. “I’ve never seen him like this. Before he left last week he was all…broken. Completely broken.”

  I whooshed out a breath. Something had happened to him, but what? My gut told me it had to do with his sister. “Do you have any idea where he is? Did he take his plane anywhere?”

  “He’s back in Buenos Aires. He said he’d return in a day or two, but even if he did, which he didn’t, he’d be in no shape to run things. Every time I talk to him, he tells me everything will have to wait. He’s a mess. Please, Lily. I’m begging you. This isn’t about you and Max. It’s about all of us and our families.”

  I groaned and then looked up at the ceiling. I was sure my mother would be happy to work at the store for another week—she seemed to love it, and she’d been having fun getting all of her friends to come by for fresh baked cookies and coffee, book club meetings, knitting lessons, and anything else she could think of to get folks to come and hang out in the store. “Seeing the store full makes more people want to come in and shop,” she’d said a few days ago with a perky smile. And she’d been right. The numbers didn’t lie. Of course, I had no clue where I’d land with the building, which was now tied to Max.

  “Okay,” I finally said. “I’ll come. Can you check on a flight for—” There was a knock at my door. “Hold on, Keri.” I walked over and opened it, not expecting to see the stout green-eyed woman who stood there. “Mrs. Ferrari?”

  The woman’s eyes looked puffy and the tip of her nose was red. She’d been crying.

  “Leely, we must speak.”

  “Uh, sure. Come in.” I lifted the phone to my ear. “Keri, I have to go, but if you can help me find a flight, that would be great.”

  “I’ve already found one while we were talking. It leaves out of Santa Barbara in an hour.”

  I debated for a moment. “Sure. Okay.”

  “I’ll text you the details—thank you, Lily. You’re not only saving my ass but everyone who works here now.”

  “See you soon.” I ended the call and turned to Mrs. Ferrari. She wore a flowery white and purple dress and had her brown and silver streaked hair pulled back into a bun. Compared to my own mother, she looked much older—more like a grandma than a mom. I guessed from the size of Patricio’s family, she’d started having babies young and didn’t stop until she had Patricio in her forties.

  “Please have a seat.” I gestured to the little couch in my living room slash dining room. “Can I get you a glass of water or some coffee?”

  She sat and held out her hand. “No. No, thank you. I won’t be long. I only came to speak frankly with you, from a mother’s heart.”

  “Did you drive here by yourself?”

  “Yes.”

  “To see me?” I ran my hand nervously over my ponytail.

  “Yes.”

  I took a seat in the armchair. “What’s going on?” From the torn-up look on her face, it couldn’t be good.

  “Patricio has told me about his lies.”

  He did? Shocking. I’d half expected him to wait until she was home or on her deathbed before he ever came clean.

  I folded my hands neatly in my lap. “I see.”

  “Dis is why I am here, Leely. I know that my boy has his beeg head up his asshole. But he loves you, Leely. And he is a good, good boy. Do not listen to the lies these garbage people Coles tell you. They are low and despicable with no morals.”

  Errrr… “Did Patricio send you here to say that?”

  “No!” She shook her finger at me. “He thinks I went out for a walk on the beach. His car is crap, by the way, these German things drive like lumps of butter sliding down a cold river.”

  Uhhh…okay. Can’t say I’ve ever heard a car’s performance described quite like that.

  She continued, “But diss is beside the point, Leely.” She leaned in and lowered her voice. “Did you know that Patricio’s oldest brother does not belong to his father?”

  All right. Getting awkward. “I wasn’t aware.” Patricio always spoke about his family in general terms—“We make wine, we breed horses, my family is crazy.”

  She went on, “Yes. I did not marry the man who first got me… What is it that you say in English? Knocked down?”

  I tried not to smile at the appropriateness of her choice of words. I definitely felt like I’d been knocked down. Every morning, I got up and then I got down. On my knees. And talked to the monster—rarrr…ughhh…gaggg…

  “You mean knocked up,” I offered.

  “Si. Knocked up. But the man I felt this passion for was not a man who could be a good father.”

  Oh. Now I understood where she was going. “Mrs. Ferrari—”

  “Please. Call me Bibiana.”

  “Okay.” I nodded. “Bibiana, I appreciate that you came all the way to tell me this, but I’m not sure I have the same feelings for your son as he has for me.”

  “I know this. I see it in your eyes, and it is why I am here. You must look forward, Leely, and see the future. Not only for you, but for your children. Do you want a husband who is broken with a broken family or do you want them to grow up loved with many people who will care for them always.”

  “You know the answer to that, but it’s not that easy.” And it wasn’t as if I didn’t have family of my own.

  “It is that easy. You commit to a man. You accept his heart. And then you live. It is that easy, Leely.”

  She made it all sound so simple, like signing up for cable.

  She continued, “I only want you to hear from his mother’s mouth that he is a good boy who loves you. He lied to me and, for this, I am upset, but it should only convince you of his good nature. He wanted to protect me and nothing more.”

  I drew a breath and nodded.

  “We want you, Leely. We do not know you, but we know you are the only woman to take our Patricio’s heart and make it bigger than himself. He does not care about being the real father of your baby. He only cares about loving you and being a husband to you, and this is everything.”

  Her words brought tears to my eyes. And it was so sweet how much she loved her son. But it changed nothing. Or did it?

  No. Definitely no.

  “Thank you, Bibiana. But it’s like I said, the issue was never Patricio. It was always—”

  There was a knock on my door.

  Great. I went over and opened it. “Mom?”

  “Hi, sweetie! I thought you might enjoy a little three-bean salad and a meatloaf.” She moved past me and then stopped, catching sight of Bibiana. “Well, hello. I didn’t realize Lily had visitors. I’m her mother, Gladys.”

  Bibiana stood. �
�It is so nice to meet you, Leely’s mother. I am the mother of Patricio.”

  My mother set down her containers of food on my little kitchen/dining table. “Oh my god. It’s so nice to meet you. Patricio is such a lovely young man.”

  Why did I suddenly feel like a kindergartner whose mom was meeting one of the other moms in order to set up a playdate?

  Bibiana walked around my coffee table to give my mother a giant hug and a kiss on each cheek.

  Once properly greeted a la Italiana, my mother pulled back. “So nice to finally meet you.”

  “You can call me Bibiana. We are almost like family.”

  My mother’s stiff brows told me she was confused but trying to hide it in the name of politeness. Given I was done with the charades and juvenile game playing, I felt obligated to tell my mother why Bibiana was here. But before I could open my mouth, there was another knock at the door.

  I froze with fear. The last two knockers had been these two women, and frankly, I needed to get packed and off to the airport. With a groan, I went to open the front door. “Max?”

  He looked like a castaway—thick stubble, wrinkled clothes, circles under his eyes. He still looked manly and gorgeous with that tall frame and angular jaw, but it wasn’t like him to look so…sloppy. Max was Mr. Perfect even on casual Fridays.

  “Lily, you remember my mother, Maxine.” He stepped aside and there stood…there stood…

  His mother? What the fuck? She wore her dark hair perfectly straight and had on large sunglasses. A white bandage covered her nose.

  Maxine leaned around him and extended her hand. “Hello, Lily,” she said with a stiffness that sounded like an insult.

  Stunned, I took her hand and shook it, but I looked at Max.

  “May we come in?” he asked.

  Fuck. Patricio’s mother was inside as well as my own. Neither was a fan of Max’s mother, and I was pissed and heartbroken over Max.

  “Lily, I know what you must be thinking,” said Max, “but just hear me out. Please.”

  “Uhhh…okeydokey.” I stepped aside to let them pass.