It's a Fugly Life

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

The moment I shut the door and turned, I was greeted with the uncomfortable view of everyone looking at each other, glaring, but saying nothing.

  This is awesome.

  I clapped my hands. “All right. Let’s do introductions.” I gestured toward my mother. “This is Gladys, my wonderful mother. This is Bibiana,” I looked at her not-happy face, “Patricio’s mother. And this is…” I tried my best not to snarl, spit, or swing with a fist at her bandaged nose, “the woman who gave birth to Max.” She didn’t deserve the term “mother,” now did she?

  “Lily…” Max growled.

  “Sorry.” I held up my hands. “This is Max’s mother.”

  No one said anything.

  Awkward. Awkward. More awkward…Excellent.

  “All right. How nice of everyone to stop by, but I have a flight to catch,” I said.

  “Lily.” Max grabbed my arm. “You need to hear me—”

  Someone pounded on my front door.

  “Well,” I said with acerbic enthusiasm, “I wonder who that could be?” Perhaps the IRS or a drug gang. I mean what could possibly make this situation any more horrible?

  I reached for the door. Ah. He could.

  “Patricio.” My shoulders dropped. “Why don’t you come in and join the godawful party.”

  He cocked a brow.

  “Never mind,” I said, this time leaving the door wide open in case anyone else wanted to join the fun.

  Patricio took one look at his mother and started berating her in Italian. I could only assume he wasn’t happy about her meddling. While those two began to rant, Max pulled me aside.

  “Lily,” he spoke softly, “I’m sorry for the way I behaved the other day. It was wrong to walk away from you like that.”

  Just seeing his face opened up the floodgates of anger. Call it hormones, call it the heartbreak speaking, but I lost it.

  I looked up at his face and, without realizing what I was doing, I slapped him. Hard. His head whipped to the side.

  “Wrong? Wrong! Fuck you, Max!” Wrong was the word a person used when they incorrectly cited a historical date or purchased the incorrect flavor of ice cream. Oops, I wanted rocky road, not banana crunch. Wrong one! Or Fidel Castro became dictator of Cuba in 1979. Oh, sorry. That’s wrong. It was 1976. But “wrong” was the wrong word to describe telling the woman you supposedly love that it’s “unfortunate” she’s pregnant, followed by walking away from her.

  “Lily!” my mother scolded.

  Max placed his hand on his cheek. “I deserved that.”

  “Like hell you did!” his mother said. “She has no right to treat you like that. She’s trash. Pure trash!”

  I heard my mother gasp. I heard Patricio cuss in Italian. As for Bibiana, she said, “It is like I told you, Lily. They are monsters.”

  “Monsters?” Max’s mother seethed. “That’s rich coming from a woman who pumps out illiterate rapists and thugs by the dozen.”

  “You dare insult my mother?” Patricio yelled and stepped toward Maxine.

  Max stepped between them. “Back the fuck off, Patricio. She may be a horrible bitch, but she’s still my mother.”

  I suddenly forgot what I wanted to say as my mind reeled with that little gem.

  Max quickly looked at me. “Lily, can we talk in private? I need to tell you—”

  “No. I’m done with the games. So say what you have to say and then leave,” I replied.

  “Fine.” He looked down at his polished black shoes for a moment. “My sister’s baby did not make it.”

  Oh no. My heart felt heavier and the room fell silent.

  “When I came back to Chicago that night, I’d come back to get my mother. Mabel was getting closer to dying and wouldn’t give the doctors permission to induce labor. She said she would be a horrible mother and, if anyone deserved to live, it was her child.”

  I blinked waiting to hear the rest, but not really wanting to.

  “I flew my mother down to talk some sense into Mabel and to say what was long overdue.”

  My eyes teared. I could only imagine the sort of painful emotions Max had to go through to turn to his mother for help. He’d sacrificed a lot to extract her from his life.

  “But I’m sorry, Lily. I truly am. I love you so much, and the only thing I could think when you said you were pregnant was that something might happen to you. I didn’t know how to deal with that and everything else.”

  Somewhere in the middle of Max’s speech, I heard a loud gasp coming from my mother’s direction.

  “You’re pregnant?” she asked.

  I slowly looked at her, wincing. “I’m sorry. I was going to tell you.”

  For the first time in a very long time, I saw my mother bubble with rage. Jesus. She’s going to tear me a new one.

  I held up my finger. “Hold that thought, Mom.” I reached for Max’s hand. “I’m so, so sorry you went through that, but you should’ve told me. You should’ve said something.”

  “Yes. I should’ve, but I hadn’t slept in days, and watching my sister slowly withering and—I wasn’t thinking straight. Nor did I have the luxury of time to argue with you over my choice to invite my mother back into my life…” His voice trailed off as he shook his head.

  I could see how that might be difficult given she’d baited me into a fight and had me arrested.

  “Maybe I wouldn’t have understood, Max, but you didn’t give me the chance and then you turned your back on me like that?” I whooshed out a breath.

  “It is who they are,” said Bibiana. “The Coles do not care who they hurt.”

  Maxine whipped off her glasses. “I should say the same for you. Your disgusting son took advantage of my daughter. She was only sixteen.”

  I looked at Patricio. I knew he’d been eighteen or nineteen when he’d slept with Mabel. I couldn’t claim his actions to be horrific or evil—teenagers are, after all, not the brightest lights at the disco—but he had apparently broken the girl’s heart.

  “Apologize,” I said to Patricio.

  He gave me a shocked look as if he did not understand.

  “You heard me. Apologize to them.” I indicated Max and Maxine.

  Patricio’s eyes shifted around the room. “But I—”

  “He will not apologize!” Bibiana seethed. “That girl was a slut.”

  “What?” Maxine snapped.

  “Okay. Now you have to apologize.” I pointed to Bibiana. “That was out of line. How would you like it if someone called one of your daughters that because she had sex. Unmarried.” I zeroed in on Bibiana with my eyes. She’d told me ten minutes earlier that she’d slept with some man and then married Patricio’s father.

  Bibiana got my gist and snapped her mouth shut. She looked down at the ground. “I am sorry.”

  “Now your turn,” I prodded Patricio. “Tell them you’re sorry for causing their family any pain.”

  Patricio’s mouth flapped a little.

  “You might be a dad someday. Think about how you’d feel if Mabel had been your daughter.”

  Patricio looked up. “Fine. I am sorry for touching your daughter.”

  I could see that Max wasn’t going to let it go. He had hate written all over his face.

  “Max, tell Patricio that you’re sorry for beating the crap out of him. Twice.”

  Max folded his arms over his chest. “I’m not sorry. He deserved it.”

  I let out a breath. “But you should be, Max. Because if you can’t see that almost killing someone—someone’s son, by the way—because you’re upset is wrong, then you’re not really the man I thought you were. Honestly, what kind of father will you be?”

  Max’s hazel eyes narrowed on my face. “I’m sorry for almost killing you.” He glanced at Patricio, and Patricio answered with a nod.

  I knew these two families would never like each other, but I felt good knowing that they now had a chance to move on. Even better, they might leave my apartment.

  “Okay. So, thank you, everyone,” I said. �
�But I have to—”

  “Uh-uh, young lady,” my mother seethed. “I think you’re missing someone.”

  Goddaaaammit. I really just wanted them to go. I needed to be alone with Max because he still had a hell of a lot of explaining to do. I mean, yeah, I understood that Max didn’t think like a normal guy, and he often did ridiculous and strange things, such as waiting for the right moment to address an issue, but he couldn’t do this to me anymore. He couldn’t put me on hold and leave me hanging until everything was perfect or he had just the right words for whatever apology. Life was messy! And if he wanted to be a part of mine, he had to be there for me. He had to tell me what the hell was going on, not shut me out!

  Uhhh…you should talk, Miss “I’ll tell you I’m pregnant later, Mom.”

  Dammit. Look at me calling the kettle black.

  I slowly turned to my mother, feeling the sting of shame. “I’m sorry, Mom, for not telling you I’m pregnant.”

  She crossed her arms. “And whose baby is it?”

  “Max’s,” I replied.

  My mother’s eyes snapped to his face like she just might kill him.

  “Sorry?” he said.

  “You just wait, young man,” my mother shook her finger at him, “until Lily’s father hears about this.”

  “Okay, Mom—everyone!—that’s enough,” I said. “You all need to go now.”

  “We’re not done yet,” said Max. “One more person in this room needs to apologize. Make that two, since, as you’ve pointed out, Lily, kicking the crap out of people isn’t the way to handle your anger.”

  Oh. Yeah. I had punched his mother. I’d sorta forgotten about that. I almost laughed. I had put myself up there on a pedestal. But leave it to Max to set me straight. He was good at that, always telling me like it was. Ugly truth or beautiful truth. I could depend on him to give it.

  “You’re right.” I nodded and looked at Maxine. “I’m sorry for breaking your nose.” But I secretly hope it heals crooked and serves as a constant reminder of your general horribleness.

  Maxine stared with those cold hazel eyes.

  “Mother?” Max warned. “We have an agreement. You want to be a part of our lives, you will apologize. You will get help. You will not hurt us or Lily anymore. It’s now or never. Die alone or change. Because we’re done taking your sick bullshit.”

  She regarded him for a moment and then drew a breath, but no words came out.

  “You made a promise to Mabel,” he growled. “You made a promise to me. So while Dad will never come back, you still have a chance to make things right with us.”

  Max’s father finally left Maxine? That was news. According to Max, his father had been afraid of the woman and never stood up to her, even for his children’s sake.

  Maxine cleared her throat and looked at me. “I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you and your family, Lily.”

  “And?” Max growled. I had to say that seeing him like this, refusing to allow her even an inch of control over him, felt inspiring. His mother’s disorder had controlled, ruined, tainted, damaged, deformed, and maimed his life. When I’d met him, he was beginning to really take back what was stolen from him. Perhaps breaking ties with his mother and dissolving Cole Cosmetics had been necessary to start fresh. Either way, Max was no longer taking her shit in any form.

  “Well?” he warned his mother.

  She sighed. “I’m sorry for having naked photos of you published and for the part I played in ruining your relationship with my son.”

  “And?” Max urged.

  There was more? I kind of felt like we should quit while we were ahead.

  “And I promise that I will get help for my disorder so that I can someday be a part of your lives.”

  Oh. So that was what this was about? She wanted to be a part of my baby’s life. Hell no! My knee-jerk reaction, to ensure she disappeared down a deep, dark well, melted away as I saw her eyes begin to tear. There it was again—that look in her eyes that told me she hated herself more than anyone in this room could possibly hate her.

  “I, uhh…” I didn’t have the right words.

  My mother stepped in. “When you’re ready, the door will be open.”

  That had been a bit too generous. I would’ve gone for something more like, We’ll not spit in your face when you enter a room.

  I flashed a disapproving look at my mother.

  My mother shrugged. “She just lost her only grandchild. Have a little heart, Lily.”

  Okay. Now I was back to feeling guilty again. Dammit! Why couldn’t I pick an emotion and stick with it? Everything was so complicated.

  “Thank you,” Maxine said humbly.

  I bobbed my head, feeling thoroughly ransacked on an emotional level. So, true to my nature, I turned my focus to work. Max obviously had a horrible family situation to deal with, the employees at LLL were about to lose their shirts if someone didn’t step up, and I needed to get everyone the hell out of my apartment so I could catch a breath and talk to Max. There was much to discuss, but the more immediate issue was the sinking LLL ship.

  I was about to politely ask everyone to leave, except for Max, when Patricio’s mother chimed in.

  “Then there is only one last thing to settle,” Bibiana stated.

  “Which is?” I asked.

  “Who are you going to marry?” she asked with a sharp tone.

  My mouth dropped open. It was pretty uncool of her to put me on the spot like that, especially since everyone already knew the answer. Patricio didn’t deserve to have the knife twisted in his heart.

  I glanced at Patricio, expecting him to step in and tell his mother that now was not the time, but I found him staring at me expectantly. He crossed his arms over his chest.

  I looked at Max for help, but found him looking down at me with a cocked eyebrow as if to say, Well? We’re waiting.

  I glanced at my mother, and even she had a look of eager anticipation in her eyes. “Lily,” my mother scorned, “you are pregnant. And everyone in this room is emotionally vested in this. You will settle this right now so everyone can get on with their lives.”

  “Exactly,” Max said. “If you’re planning on marrying someone else, I’d rather know now. Either way, I plan on being a part of the baby’s life.”

  I went back to looking at the two men, realizing they still believed they were competing to marry me. Not true. I saw Patricio more as a friend, which I’d already told him. In my mind the question was about whether I could move forward with Max. So really what I saw were two different choices, two different lives I could live. One, without Max, would probably mean I’d eventually settle down with someone like Patricio, someone I felt safe and comfortable with, but did not love in that all-consuming, terrifying kind of way because there could only be one Max. I’d stick with my shop, raise my child alone and probably be just fine. A life with Max meant taking a giant leap of faith. A life with him terrified me.

  What terrifies you is losing him again. Or what if he simply got tired of me? I wouldn’t survive another heartbreak like that.

  I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face. I had to stop allowing that fugly voice to fill my head with doubts. Max did love me. He had made mistakes, but so had I. And everything he’d done since we’d met showed me he’d never wanted anyone like he wanted me, and that included when my face looked so unattractive that not a single man had ever touched me. He’d seen beyond my appearance and fell in love with me. The real me.

  Ha! Fuck you, fugly. I win.

  I lifted my chin, turned to face Max, and smiled. “I choose you. But I’m not ready to get married.” There was all of this emotional rubble in the way and it would take time to clear it out.

  Max’s expression turned all gooey warm. “I love you, Lily. You have no idea. And we can definitely discuss marriage later in a more private setting.” Max smiled, and I knew the look in his eyes meant he was not going to let me off the hook so easily.

  And he can sell ice to an Eskimo. I
sighed. I did love him. So much it hurt.

  “You are really choosing that son of a bitch over me?” Patricio growled.

  Uh-oh. Here we go again. I prepared to step between them, but when I looked at Max, I realized I wouldn’t have to. He was perfectly calm.

  My man.

  “Patricio!” his mother barked. “Leely has made her choice, and you will take it like a grown man.” His mother dipped her head. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Leely. I wish you both much happiness. Come, son.” She marched out and Patricio followed, but right as he reached the door, he looked back at me with sheer hate in his eyes.

  A shiver washed over me.

  “You just made a very big mistake, Lily.” He left, and I felt the tension I’d been holding in my body begin to release.

  Funny, I’d never realized that. Whenever I was around Patricio or thinking about being with him, my stomach got all knotted up. It had been him the entire time—or, more accurately stated, I’d known all along that he wasn’t the one for me. I’d tried to ignore it but couldn’t. My heart knew. And so did my stomach.

  “Well,” my mother said with a displeased tone, “I’m guessing that this is my cue and that you need someone to look after the store today.”

  “Thank you, Mom. And I am sorry for not telling you. I just didn’t want to worry you.”

  Her eyes filled with tears, but I couldn’t tell if they were tears of joy or sorrow. She then walked over and gave me a giant hug.

  “I never liked Patricio anyway,” she whispered. “There’s something off about him.” She turned to Max and gave him a hug, standing up on her tiptoes since she was short like me and didn’t want her face smooshed into his pecs. “Congratulations, Max. You’re going to make a great father.”

  “Thank you, Gladys.” He smiled. “I only hope I can make Lily happy, like she deserves.”

  My mother glowed with that remark. “Call me later and let me know what the plan is.”

  “Bye, Mom,” I said.

  “Mother,” said Max, “Lily and I have a few things to discuss. Callahan will take you to the airport. You can take my jet.”

  “Aren’t you coming back to Chicago?” She sounded a little naggy, like she didn’t approve of him staying here with me.