Destined to Change

by Harley, Lisa M.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I couldn’t even look him in the eye. He knew, that I knew, exactly what he meant.

  “That girl’s had a hell of a time. She don’t need any shit. If you ain’t serious, you stay away, kay?”

  That was that. I needed to stop this shit right now. I had enough baggage without taking on someone else’s.

  Loralei

  Sunday dinner at my parent’s house after church was our weekly tradition. Their home was the largest and oldest on the property. The house was a two-story farmhouse. They had completely remodeled it a few years ago. It was similar to mine, only much bigger. It was painted a beautiful buttercup yellow with white shutters. Each window had a flower box filled with bright flowers, mostly purple tulips, because that was mine and my mom’s favorite color. The long winding drive was lined with apple trees. The kids loved to pick those apples, and the trees always smelled so good. I had many amazing memories of this house. It would always be my home.

  I didn’t know why I was surprised when Jake and Jaxon walked in today. Of course my mom invited them. She was too nice sometimes. She couldn’t have Jaxon and Jake sitting at home while we were eating a good ole home-cooked meal.

  Jaxon had removed his tie and rolled his sleeves up, and I finally got a closer look at his tattoos. They were so intricate; all I could think about was running my hands over his arms. I wanted to look at them up close and personal, but I could never do that. So, I decided I would just admire them from across the room.

  I was standing in the kitchen when I caught Jaxon as his eyes looked me up and down, lingering just a little bit longer than they should have on my breasts. When our eyes met, the stare lingered, before I broke it by looking away. I may not have been the most beautiful woman, but I had to admit my body wasn’t bad.

  Jaxon’s eyes lingered on my DD’s, and it took me back to the night Declan died. The way he was so enamored with them when we made love. I chuckled out loud as I remembered him lying beside me and just staring at them. My chuckle was quickly followed by a tear. I still couldn’t think about that night without crying. I hoped no one noticed, but I saw Jaxon’s face, and I knew he did. He must’ve thought I was crazy. Maybe he only thought I was a normal hormonal crazy woman. I could only hope.

  We had sat down at the table when Sammy walked over to Jaxon and said, “Mister, what’s that thing on your face?” He pointed at his eyebrow piercing. I immediately cringed. Why, oh why, did my little man always feel the need to play twenty questions with strangers? I would never forget the time he asked the gentleman selling Shih Tzu puppies on the square downtown if their name meant they “shit” all the time. I tried so hard not to laugh at that one. He definitely had inherited his dad’s sense of humor.

  Jaxon looked a little startled by my son. “It’s a ring. I have my eyebrow pierced.”

  Sammy countered with, “Why would you do a thing like that?”

  “Because I wanted to have my eyebrow pierced, kid.”

  Sammy looked like he was really thinking hard about something. “Do you have your penis pierced too?” Holy hell, my son had not just asked that question. I was just praying that someone would wake me up from this horrible nightmare, but no, no they didn’t. It happened, and I needed to fix it, but all I really wanted to do was crawl under the dining room table and die of embarrassment. I was trying really hard to pick my jaw up off of the floor.

  All of the conversations around the room ended. Everyone was staring at me as if to say “do something now.”

  Jaxon looked over at me with a sexy grin. He winked and told my son, “I don’t really think we should talk about penises at the dinner table, little man.”

  That wasn’t really an answer, but it was good enough to make Sammy move over to my mom, “Do we have any chocolate pie, Granny?”

  My mom grabbed him and took him into the kitchen to get a piece of pie. I couldn’t look up. I could feel Jaxon staring at me again. My cheeks were on fire. I really thought I would die of embarrassment right there at the dinner table. I looked over at Jaxon, who was still grinning, and said, “Sorry about that. He’s kinda inquisitive.”

  “No problem. I probably look a little a different than the guys he’s used to seeing.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just shrugged my shoulders and got up to go see what Sammy was getting into in the kitchen. After that embarrassing ordeal, the rest of lunch was pretty uneventful.

  After lunch, we headed out to the pond and fished for a bit. It had always been one of my favorite places to be. Going there always brought my stress level down several notches. I loved to go to the pond in the evening. To see the moonlight glistening on the water, hear the crickets chirp, and see the fireflies sparkling. It was so soothing and serene. It was a rather large pond with a little white dock that my dad and Uncle Max built for the kids to fish off of.

  The kids had a blast, and I think Jaxon did too. Nobody caught anything, but that didn’t matter, we always just threw them back anyway. Everyone was standing around, chatting, and having fun.

  Jaxon helped Mags when her line got stuck in a tree. She looked like she was scared of him. I didn’t know if it was the tattoos or the piercings or just the fact that he was a stranger. Finally, he leaned over and whispered something in her ear and she smiled. Then she didn’t look so scared of him anymore. She smiled every time she looked at him.

  When she came over to get a drink of iced tea from me, I asked, “Honey, you looked like you were a little scared of Jaxon. Do you think he’s scary?”

  “I did, mommy, but he’s really not. He told me that Jake was his uncle, you know, like Uncle Eric is my uncle? Then he told me he was really glad he was here to help me get my line out of the tree. He’s so tall, mommy. He didn’t even hardly have to jump! Jaxon said he was sorry if his tattoos scared me.” She leaned in and whispered, “They really aren’t scary at all, mommy, they’re kinda cool. Oh, and he told me I was really pretty just like you mommy.” Then Mags looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes sparkling and said, “I think he likes you, mommy.”

  Holy hell. He told my daughter I was pretty, and now she thinks he likes me. There was no way that was true. I was sure he just told Mags that so she wouldn’t be scared of him. There was no way he thought I was pretty, but he did stare at me a lot.

  Watching Jaxon play with my kids was not making my thoughts about him go away. Even Sammy really liked him. And it was hard to get into Sammy’s good graces sometimes. He had a huge heart, but he loved to give people grief.

  I thought I might be starting to like him a little bit too. But I couldn’t stop the feeling of guilt from rearing up. Sammy and Mags were Declan’s kids. How could I enjoy watching them have a good time with Jaxon? It felt like I was betraying Declan just by thinking about Jaxon. But to think about him being around the kids felt like I was completely betraying him.

  Chapter 3

  Loralei

  It had been exactly two weeks since that day at the pond. I had only seen Jaxon once, and it was just in passing. I hadn’t made it to Sunday dinner last week because the kids had a stomach bug, but Mom told me I hadn’t missed anything.

  Today we went straight to my parents’ house after church for lunch. This time Jaxon went home and changed into jeans and a green Aerosmith t-shirt before lunch.

  I heard Jaxon tell my mom, “Mrs. Harper, I apologize for my appearance, but I couldn’t stand to wear that damn tie a minute longer.”

  My mom chuckled, “It’s okay, hon. That thing looked like it was strangling you to death anyway!”

  Of course, Mom didn’t have a problem with his appearance. She raised me to believe that it didn’t matter what someone wore or how they looked on the outside; what really mattered was what was inside. She definitely saw something in Jaxon, but for the life of me I didn’t know what it was. He was really sexy, but that better not have been what my mom liked about him…ewww.

  She had called me last night and told me
to wear a pretty dress to church today. I always dressed up for church, but usually I would wear slacks and a blouse. She insisted I wear a dress. I relented and wore a white lacey dress with little pink flowers around the hem. I felt so girly - I hadn’t felt that way in a long time.

  I even spent a little extra time curling my hair, which now lays all the way down my back, and I wore a little eye shadow – I actually looked like a girl, instead of a farmer. It was almost like I was dressing up for someone. Subconsciously, I probably was. I knew Jaxon would be at church, and I enjoyed the thought of him liking what he saw.

  Lunch went by with no awkward questions from my children, which was really nice. Unexpected, but nice. I believed they were still a little weak from their stomach bug and didn’t have the energy to cause a scene. After lunch, my mom informed me that Jaxon and Jake were driving into town to pick up some supplies, and she wanted me to go with them.

  “Why do I need to go? They’re grown men who are perfectly capable of getting supplies without me.”

  “Honey, just go and have a good time. Maybe you and Jaxon can get to know each other a little bit better. Jake says great things about him. He’s had some problems, but he seems to be doing better here. Jake thinks he just needed to get out of the big city and relax for a bit.”

  “Mom, I don’t want to get to know him. And what problems? Is he in trouble or something? And besides that, I have a million things to do today, and I have to take care of the little monsters.”

  My mom gave me her best “I am your mother, stop arguing with me face.” “Lor, I’ll keep the kids, and there’s nothing that you need to do that can’t be put off until tomorrow. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but Jake seems to think staying here will be good for him. Honey, I just want you to be happy. I see the way Jaxon looks at you. It wouldn’t hurt anything to get to know him a little better. Declan wouldn’t want you to be alone.”

  That last statement made my breath hitch. “Mom I’m not alone. I have Mags and Sammy and I just don’t want to complicate things.”

  Mom huffed, exasperated. “I’m not taking no for an answer, honey, you’re going into town with them. Now go get prettied up, and they’ll pick you up after lunch.”

  Great. I was twenty-six years old, and my mommy still told me what to do. The worst part about it was, I normally listened.

  I tried to come up with a reason why I couldn’t go into town. But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t think of anything. So, I pouted to my mom, went home, and got ready. Then I patiently waited for Jake and Jaxon to pick me up. Get prettied up? Uh, no. We were going shopping, not to a party. I put on a pair of blue jeans, my brown cowboy boots, and a light tan sweater. My hair was still curled from this morning, so I piled it loosely on my head in a bun, with some tendrils hanging down on both sides.

  I heard the old pick-up truck roaring down my drive, and I went out the front door. Much to my surprise, Jaxon was alone in the truck. It was not Jake and Jaxon, nope. It was just Jaxon and Loralei. Shit!

  My mom had totally set me up.

  Jaxon flashed that sexy smile, “Ready to go?”

  “Um, isn’t Jake coming with us?”

  Jaxon looked a little confused. “Uh, no your mom said you wanted me to drive you to town to pick up some supplies. Don’t you still need a ride?”

  I couldn’t believe her. I decided I would exact my revenge on her soon. For now I needed to figure out how to handle this situation.

  “Nope, mom told me that you and Jake were going into town to get supplies, and I should go with you.”

  Jaxon laughed, shooting me the sexiest damn look I had seen in a long time. “Sounds to me like your mom wants us to have some alone time. Why do you think that is?”

  Holy hell.

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just climbed in the cab of the truck and pretended his sexy little grin wasn’t affecting me. Because it wasn’t - it couldn’t be, right? Oh hell, I didn’t know what to think. This man was seriously hot and sexy. So – damn - sexy. I thought to myself my lady parts deserve to be happy, don’t they? I decided to get through this trip without any embarrassing experiences, and we would be home before I knew it.

  The forty-five minute trip into town seemed like it took hours. We barely spoke. If it hadn’t been for the classic rock playing on the radio, the entire trip would have been silent. Jaxon and I didn’t make eye contact. He looked straight ahead with his hands perfectly at ten and two on the steering wheel.

  As much as I tried to not think about him, I couldn’t help myself. He was so close and he smelled so amazingly good. His scent was hard to describe. It just screamed man.

  I started fantasizing about what it would be like for him to kiss me - to press those beautiful lips against mine. And what it would feel like when he slipped his tongue into my mouth, or how amazing it would feel to have him touch my breast, or for him to unzip my jeans and slide his hand down...

  Finally, from the corner of my eye, I caught him sneaking a peek at me. I wondered what he was thinking. I was so embarrassed. My cheeks were bright red and my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I was worried that he somehow knew what I had been thinking about. But apparently that wasn’t the case.

  Jaxon asked me the one question I had hoped I wouldn’t have to answer, “So, where’s the twins’ dad?” That question completely squashed all of the amazing fantasies I had been having about Jaxon and brought me back to the real world, real quick.

  I couldn’t believe he was asking me this question. Didn’t Jake or my mom or anybody in this little town tell him? I said the only thing that came to mind, “Dead,” I deadpanned as I fixed my eyes straight ahead of me. That was it. That was all I had to say about it. Jaxon looked baffled. He didn’t mutter another word all the way into town. I just sat there wondering why I had said that. There were so many other things I could have said or I could have explained what happened, but I didn’t do it. Dead seemed to sum it all up.

  After the shopping was done - in complete silence - we headed out to the parking lot. Jaxon noticed the little, dingy dive bar across the street.

  “Wanna grab a beer before we head back?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. We have a ways to drive, and I don’t want to ride with someone who’s been drinking.”

  Jaxon gave me a little grin, put his hand out to me wiggling his pinky. “I’ll only have one beer, pinky-swear.”

  I laughed at him and we headed across the street. Dave’s Place was a hole-in-the-wall dive bar. It was very small with an old oak bar along the right side of the wall, a stage in the back for the band or anyone feeling brave enough to sing karaoke, and about ten small tables. The walls were plastered with neon signs from just about every alcohol brand, and an old jukebox sat back in the corner. I had been there before with Emma and Eric, but I never really noticed how small it was.

  When we walked inside there was an older “cowboy” sitting at the bar, sipping on a beer, and a couple dancing on the makeshift dance floor in the back of the room by the stage. The jukebox was blasting an old Hank Williams song and I had never felt so out of place. I was standing here with a pierced, tattooed man. All eyes - granted there weren’t many - but still, shifted to us when we walked in.

  Jaxon led us to a table along the wall. The waitress was an older woman who looked like she was barely surviving a hard life. She had really frizzy hair that was dyed a really unnatural shade of red. Her face was covered in deep wrinkles and she was definitely a smoker. Her long fingernails were stained yellow from the nicotine. I actually felt bad for her in the few moments that I knew her, well I did until she started ogling Jaxon. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him. I swear she looked at him like he was a lollipop she really needed to lick. I had to agree with her, he was lickable.

  Jaxon ordered us both a beer, and then he asked a follow-up to his earlier question. “So, what happened to the twins’ dad?”

  I was really hoping he would just let it drop, but
I knew he wouldn’t, so I told him the whole story. I didn’t mince any words. I gave it to him straight.

  “Basically, Declan was the love of my life. We were born for each other. The term ‘destiny’ was used a lot when our parents were talking about us. When I was sixteen and Declan was seventeen, we were in an accident. Declan didn’t make it. Shortly after the accident, I found out I was pregnant with the twins. They really saved me. I don’t know how I would’ve survived losing him, if it hadn’t been for them.” I really hoped that I hadn’t sounded too pitiful, when I was explaining what had happened. I didn’t need the PPL (Poor Pitiful Loralei) from Jaxon. I had coined that term ten years ago when everybody gave me the look.

  Jaxon reached over and placed his hand on my arm. His eyes were so caring. I was surprised that I felt so comfortable talking to him about this. I was never comfortable talking about Declan, but Jaxon made me feel like it was okay, like I needed to talk about it. He never looked at me with sadness. I wasn’t sure what kinda look he was giving me, but it didn’t feel like he felt sorry for me.

  “Seems like Declan was a really great guy. I’m sorry that the twins won’t get to know him.” Wow, he really surprised me. Those words and his gorgeous brown eyes were melting my heart.

  The waitress brought us our beers. Her hand lingered a little longer on Jaxon’s bottle than mine. Her eyes were just looking him up and down, and back again. I couldn’t believe she was blatantly flirting with him right in front of me. Sometimes I just couldn’t understand what the hell was wrong with people. It’s not like we were a couple or anything. But she didn’t know that.

  We sipped our beers and talked a little. Jaxon told me he was from Richmond, California. “I needed to get away from the big city for a while. There was some shit going on, that well, it was just better for me to get away.”

  “Are you running from the law, mister?” I joked.