Destined to Change

by Harley, Lisa M.

  I pushed her away, using a little more force than I meant to, and she fell to the couch. “I can’t do this with you Stacy. When you left I filed for divorce. All I need you to do is sign the papers. As far as I’m concerned, we have been divorced for almost two years.”

  She burst into tears. “Is this because of that country bumpkin you were banging on the desk when I walked in here?”

  I couldn’t even look at the woman sitting in front of me. This was not the same woman that I had loved. I had to keep telling myself that. She was not the love of my life. She was just my ex-wife.

  “I love her, Stacy. I really love her. She’s my future, and I need you to remain in my past. I need you to sign the papers and move on with your life. Can you do that for me?”

  Stacy was still crying. “I have something to show you that might change your mind. You need to come out to the car with me?”

  I agreed and followed her out to her car. I noticed as we got closer that there was a woman sitting in the front seat holding something in her lap. When we reached her car I realized the woman was Stacy’s sister Megan and the “something” she was holding was a little girl.

  She looked to be about a year old – maybe, I don’t know, I couldn’t really tell. When I looked over at Stacy she was smiling from ear to ear, “I would like to introduce you to your daughter. Her name is Jazmine, but I call her Jaz.”

  I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, all I could do was stare at the beautiful little girl sitting in front of me. She looked just like Stacy. But how could she be mine? Could she be mine?

  “Stacy, she’s mine? Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Of course I’m sure, Jaxon. I always used a condom with everyone but you. She has to be yours.”

  “That’s bullshit, Stacy. You were so high most of the time, you have no fucking idea if you used a condom or not.”

  She looks just like you Jaxon. I know she’s yours. I have no doubt that she is ours. We made her with our love. How can you deny that?” Stacy pleaded with me.

  “I’m sorry Stacy, but I can’t take your word on this. I need a DNA test. If she’s mine, I want to be a part of her life, but we are through. I don’t love you, and I don’t want to be married to you.” I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but I needed to make her understand. I couldn’t stay married to her even if Jaz was mine.

  Jaz was so beautiful, little, and sweet. I would love for her to be mine. I know that would complicate my relationship with Lor, but had always wanted to be a daddy, and Stacy and I tried for so long and it didn’t happen. I was so afraid I couldn’t have kids of my own. I needed this test, I needed to know, and I needed to know as soon as possible.

  I couldn’t hold Jaz yet. I didn’t want to have any attachment to her until I knew for sure. “I can call the clinic in town and see when we can schedule a DNA test,” I said.

  “It’s not fucking necessary, Jaxon. She’s yours. I know that with all my heart.” Stacy said as she stepped closer to me and tried to put her arms around my neck.

  I pushed her back and said, “I want the damn test, Stacy. I’ll call and get it scheduled.”

  Stacy nodded and I went back inside and made the call. The clinic said they could see us first thing in the morning and we would have the results in a couple of weeks.

  Stacy informed me they were staying in town and she would meet me at the clinic in the morning.

  I had to try to fix what I fucked up with Loralei. I didn’t handle any of this well. I should’ve ran after her, but I didn’t. I didn’t do a damn thing to stop her from leaving.

  I drove to her house and she wasn’t home. Since she wasn’t there I went to her parents’ house.

  “Mrs. Harper, is Loralei here,” I said sheepishly when she answered the door.

  “No, Jaxon. She isn’t here,” She answered with a “go to hell” look on her face.

  “Do you know where she is?” I asked. I was having a hard time making eye contact with her. I knew that she knew what had happened earlier.

  “She doesn’t want to see you right now, son. You need to give her some time. To be perfectly honest with ya, I’m not real happy with ya either.”

  How could she be? I had just hurt her daughter. I hadn’t meant to, but I was shocked when I saw Stacy. I didn’t know what the hell to do.

  “Mrs. Harper, it was never my intention to hurt Loralei. I love that woman, so damn much. I need to fix this. Please tell me where she is.” I was almost begging.

  “I think you need to go home and sleep on it. Think about what’s happened and how you intend to fix it. Give Lor some time to think about things too,” She said.

  I couldn’t argue with her. I was sure Lor needed some time to think. I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing her until tomorrow, but it was better this way.

  “Did she go on to Joplin?” I asked sheepishly.

  “She did, Jaxon. But I’m asking you to give her until tomorrow. I think you both need to calm down before you do something you wish you hadn’t.”

  I agreed to not go to her until tomorrow, but that didn’t keep me from calling her. I knew she wouldn’t answer, but I called anyway. I didn’t sleep a wink and didn’t even change my clothes. Nothing mattered until I could speak with Loralei tomorrow…just a few hours and I could try to fix this.

  Chapter 7

  Loralei

  I had to get away from Cade, but how? We were in my room and once again I was struck with disbelief at what I had done. I called home to check on the kids and wish them good luck at school while I thought up a polite way to get Cade to go the hell away.

  When I finally walked back into the bedroom, Cade was awake and on the phone.

  “Yeah, a couple of western omelets, fried potatoes, and some biscuits. Thank ya kindly ma’am.”

  He looked up at me. “I thought you might be hungry after last night, so I ordered us some breakfast.”

  All I could say was, “Thanks.” I was having a hard time even looking at him, every time I did I could hear him howling or see a flash of him on top of me or hear some of the dirty things he said during sex.

  He got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, still naked, not a care in the world. When I saw him walk away, I realized why my lady parts were so damn sore - that man was huge and I mean huge in every way. I was surprised he didn’t split me in two with that damn thing.

  But if I was so repulsed by it, why did I get kind of excited when I thought of him maybe wanting to do that again? I really was a slut. What had happened to sweet little naïve Lor? I didn’t know, but this Lor was going to enjoy life and do whatever she needed to do to forget all about what’s-his-name. The man I would now refer to as “asshat.”

  Breakfast was delivered, and Cade came walking in with a towel wrapped around his waist while he used another towel to dry his short blonde hair. We sat and ate in silence. A couple of times when I ventured a look up, I noticed he was staring at me. With the whole “Cade’s in my bed naked” debacle this morning I forgot to turn my phone off. Apparently Jaxon was awake because it was now ringing non-stop.

  “Aren’t ya gonna answer that, hon’?” Cade said, scrunching his eyebrows at me.

  I just shook my head and shoveled a huge bite of omelet into my mouth.

  All of a sudden Cade’s face got really serious. “I need to ask you a question hon. Is that your husband you’re ignorin’?”

  I couldn’t believe he thought that. How could he think I would do something so horrible? I mean I knew he didn’t know me at all, but what kind of woman would do something like that?

  “I would never do that. I’m not married now. Actually, I’ve never been married.”

  He looked really relieved. “That’s good to hear hon, real good.”

  As we finished breakfast Cade asked, “Any big plans for today?”

  I didn’t expect him to hang around; I kinda thought this would be more of a “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” type of thing.

  “I do have plans while I’
m here, so it would probably be best if you went ahead and left and got back to your business.”

  He stood up, dropped his towel and stepped around the table to me. “I would rather you do what you promised me you would do last night.”

  Holy hell, what had I promised to do?

  This couldn’t be good, the man was standing in front of me, naked, and I couldn’t remember what I had promised while I was drunk, and in the throes of passion. I looked up with my eyes bulging out of my head, I gulped. “Uh, what exactly did I promise to do?”

  He grinned. “You told me if I would wear a condom and not try to get you pregnant like the asshat did, you would do anything I asked you to do to me.”

  Had I really promised something like that? I didn’t think I would do anything that stupid, but that part about the asshat sounded about right.

  “So what would you like for me to do for you Cade?”

  He let out a little chuckle, leaned down to my ear, and whispered, “I would really like for you to suck my...” before he could finish his request someone pounded on the door, yelling my name. I knew who it was, but I sure as hell didn’t want to talk to him not now, not ever. He wouldn’t let up, yelling, “I am going downstairs, and I will make them give me a key to your room. You are going to talk to me whether you want to or not.”

  Cade gave me a puzzled look, asking, “Asshat?”

  “Yep that would be him. We are not married, he apparently is, but he didn’t bother to tell me that before he slept with me, so I don’t really think we’re anything right now.”

  “It sounds like you have some stuff to work through, and it would probably be a good idea if I was gone before he gets back up here. Unless, do ya think he’d hurt you? Are you scared of him? I can make sure he doesn’t lay a hand on you.”

  “No, Cade, I’ll be fine, but I do think it would be best, if you went to your room now.”

  “Will I see you again?”

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Cade. I have some stuff I need to figure out. This was a mistake. I never should have let it happen. I’m so sorry I used you like that.”

  He closed the distance between us and put his arms around me. “Hon, you can use me like that anytime. Last night was not a mistake. It was amazin’. Didn’t you feel that spark, I felt?”

  I pulled out of his embrace. “Sorry, no spark, but thanks for helping me make it through last night; I don’t know that I could’ve done it without you.”

  He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Hon, most of the things we did last night you definitely couldn’t have done without me.” He gave a low chuckle and pulled his jeans on. I watched him a little too closely as he buttoned up his shirt and slipped his boots on.

  He got out of the room about a minute before Jaxon barged in. He looked awful. His eyes were all red and puffy, like he’d been crying and probably not sleeping. He had on the same clothes he had on the last time I saw him.

  “What the hell do you want? I don’t have anything to say to you. Your wife said it all.”

  “I need to explain, Loralei. Stacy and I are married, but we’ve been separated for over a year. She was addicted to heroin and that’s a big part of the reason why I came to stay with Uncle Jake. She has been in rehab for the last three months. When she got out, my mom told her where to find me. I had no idea she was coming here. I didn’t know where she was. I haven’t seen her in way over a year. She disappeared. I filed for divorce, but since we couldn’t find her to sign the papers, it hasn’t been finalized yet. I swear to you, Loralei, I would never hurt you like that. I considered myself divorced since we haven’t been together for so long.”

  I couldn’t look at him. I had my hands balled up into fists at my sides. “That doesn’t explain the way you reacted when she came into my office yesterday. Jaxon, you acted like I wasn’t even there. The look on your face, well, you looked like a deer caught in the headlights. All I wanted was an explanation. You didn’t even try to stop me. You just let me leave.”

  “I was so shocked to see her that I didn’t know what to do, Lor. She looks so different from the last time I saw her, I was in shock. I’ve been calling you non-stop since you left. Your mom asked me to give you the night to think things over. I don’t love Stacy anymore, Loralei, and I haven’t in a long time. Our marriage had been over for months before she disappeared. Her addiction almost killed her, and me, in the process and it was all my fault. I introduced her to that life. I’m not a good guy, Loralei. There are a lot of skeletons in my closet. I was trying to turn my life around, and I thought meeting you and falling in love was a gift from God. Maybe a sign that I wasn’t as bad as I thought. That maybe I was worthy of being loved by an amazing woman like you. And then I fucked it up. I told you that day in the truck, I fuck everything up. I’m so sorry I hurt you Loralei, but I had to explain the situation. I know you hate me, and you have every right to, and you can do so much better than me, but I’m in love with you and I think I have been since the moment I laid eyes on you on that four-wheeler my first day on the farm.”

  I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The tears started pouring down my face.

  “I’m so sorry Jaxon. I’m so sorry that I didn’t pick up the phone.”

  And then I started pounding on his chest. “Why didn’t you stop me? Why did you let me leave? Why did you let me come here alone? Why Jaxon? Why? You have no idea what I’ve done!”

  I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t stand to see his face when the realization hit him. When he noticed the bed in shambles, or my clothes strewn all over the room, or my panties ripped to shreds at the edge of the couch. I couldn’t stand to see his face when he realized what a horrible person I was and what I had done to us, to our future.

  Jaxon didn’t say a word. I watched as his jaw clenched and a tear came to his eye. I didn’t think he was sad, but I knew he was pissed. His hands were curled into fists, “Where the fuck is he?” I had never seen this side of Jaxon, he was beyond mad, he was shaking with anger.

  “He’s gone. It was a mistake. I’m so sorry. I was so upset and I got really drunk and I just wanted to forget about you. I wanted to forget how much you hurt me. Jaxon, please understand; please know that if I had known everything you just told me this wouldn’t have happened. If you had stopped me yesterday or if I would have answered the phone. Please Jaxon, please don’t hate me! I love you. I’m so sorry!”

  “I poured my heart out to you. I have been honest with you the whole time about how fucked up I was. But I guess I didn’t realize how fucked up you are. You waited ten years to have sex after you killed your boyfriend and had his babies and then you can’t give me one day? Just one fucking day to explain to you what happened before jumping into bed with some asshole you met in a bar?”

  “You’re not the person I thought you were, and I can’t believe that I fell in love with you. Get your fucking hands off of me so I can get the hell away from you. I never want to see you again. Just pretend I died, you shouldn’t have a problem with that!”

  With those words, Jaxon turned around and ran out of the room. He slammed the door so hard, that the pictures on the wall shook. I was sobbing uncontrollably. What the hell had I done? How could I have done that to Jaxon? Jaxon was right, I was totally fucked up. I was in love with him yesterday and instead of giving him the opportunity to explain what was going on, I had hooked up with some random cowboy. What kind of person did that make me? I knew the answer to that, the horrible kind.

  I couldn’t move. I curled up in a ball on the bed and cried. I called Emma and told her what happened. I had to talk to someone about it. She insisted on coming to see me. She knew how important it was for me to attend the Cattle Barons Ball that night. The ball was the kick-off for the actual sale. It was where everyone got together and schmoozed and it’s where all of the deals were really negotiated. If you could get the seller to agree to something tonight, then tomorrow the deal was already made before the actual sale even began.

&nb
sp; No matter how bad I felt, I had to go to this event. There was no way around it. This was for the farm and it had to be done. I was so thankful that Emma was coming to go with me.

  I always splurged and bought a sexy new dress for this event. The sexier I looked the better price I could get on the new herd. It was sad, but true. I had to use my DD’s to get what I needed for the farm tonight. This year’s dress was candy apple red, floor length, with a deep v-cut in the back and it had a sweetheart neckline that accentuated my assets. The last thing I wanted to do tonight was to go to a party. But there was no question, I had to be there. And I would have to put a smile on my face, and pretend that everyone was hilarious and I was having a great time. I planned on drinking - a lot.

  When Emma arrived she immediately went to work on my hair and make-up. I was so glad she was here to go with me. I really didn’t think I could face this alone. She didn’t ask me for any more details about what happened, but she knew the basics.

  The event was always held in the grand ballroom of the hotel. When we stepped out of the elevator and headed that way you could already hear the band playing some old country music and you could hear everyone mingling around the room. The ballroom looked like a set from “Gone With the Wind”. The color palate was rich golds, dark greens, and deep burgundies. The walls were covered in velvet fabric. It looked like we were stepping into Tara.

  This year’s big sale that everyone was interested in was from Cattleman Farms out of Ohio. They had the best herd this year, and I planned on taking most of them home with me to Harper Farms. George Davidson was an older, graying, overweight gentleman, who happened to be the controlling interest in Cattleman Farms, and therefore the man I needed to see about some cattle.

  Emma, who was very petite, with short black hair cut in a pixie cut, was wearing her short little black dress to the ball. She walked over to the bar to get us a couple of drinks. I was looking for Mr. Davidson. Before I could catch his eye I noticed another gentleman walking up to him. No, it couldn’t be. What the hell was he doing here?