The Nowhere Witch (Tales of Xest Book 2)

by Donna Augustine

  “What should I do?” I asked, throwing more enthusiasm into the question than the gawking crowd instilled.

  “I’ll show you around the bar,” he said, leading the way. “It might take you a while to learn all the drinks, but there’s a book right here.” He patted a fat leather tome sitting beside a cash box piled halfway up with coin.

  “Most of my staff have been high-level Whimsy or low Middling witches and warlocks. I’m guessing this will be easy work for you. Shouldn’t even break a sweat.”

  Magic? This job required the use of magic? I thought I’d be just slinging drinks. I smiled. If he got the impression that meant I agreed with him, at least I hadn’t lied. He’d made his own assumption and gauged my reaction accordingly.

  A man stepped up to the bar, gave me a nod, and then said to Zark, “Can I get two dragon breaths?”

  “We’ll bring them right over.” Zark grabbed two tall glasses and handed them to me. “Magic-infused drinks are more expensive,” he said under his breath. “See those bottles? Put some of the red, a little blue, and a little of that dark green, equal parts in that order.”

  The colors layered on top of each other as I filled them. This wasn’t too bad.

  “All good?” I asked.

  “Good. Now you just need to infuse them a little. I’ll do this one. You watch, and then you do that one.” He covered the glass with a little tin, and then shook it and said, “Ardere.”

  He took off the lid and set the glass down. It had morphed into a lava lamp appearance, with steam rising from the top.

  I took the lid, put it on the top of the other drink, and shook it.

  “You need to say the word as you do it,” Zark said.

  I’d already figured that out. I just didn’t want to.

  “Okay.” Please, let this work out. Let my magic do something smoothly for once. Don’t let it go badly.

  He was watching, waiting.

  “Ardere,” I said as I shook it.

  I placed it on the bar as he had, and it looked perfect. It was identical to his lava lamp.

  “Knew you’d have no problem,” Zark said.

  I nodded. Yep. Easy.

  “Should I bring them over to the table now?”

  “Tell them I’ll add them to the tab.”

  I carried the drinks over and presented them to the two men at the table as if I were presenting them the Mona Lisa. It was how I felt about it too. They were both perfect, even mine. It looked every bit as good as Zark’s. Hawk could go screw. I belonged here, as a barmaid, a clerk, a whatever. It didn’t matter.

  Just as I got back to the bar, there was a low growl and then a scream. Then a hush filled the place, along with the smell of burning hair.

  Zark, the only one I could see, had his lips parted and his eyes wide open. He hit his forehead before dropping his hand and smothering his face for a moment.

  I turned, knowing there was no avoiding the situation. The customer, the one who’d received my drink, was sitting at his table, and his full beard had become stubble.

  He stared right at me, perplexed.

  “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

  Zark had finally started moving. He dashed in front of me. “Go wait behind the bar. I’ll handle this.”

  I nodded, doing as I was told.

  Zark went over, trying to smooth the customer’s feathers as I tried to take in the rest of the customers’ reactions. They looked more amused than anything else. Still, I was going to be fired for sure. The only job I could get and I hadn’t lasted an hour. It would be all over Xest by tonight. He’d know. He’d probably make a special visit to see me and tell me I should go back to Salem. I was sure he’d known this was how it would turn out all along.

  I stood as far back from the crowd as possible. Maybe they’d forget I was here.

  The second Zark walked behind the bar, I said, “I’m so sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’ll do it again, as many times as needed to until I get it right.”

  He threw up his hands. “No, no, don’t do that.”

  “Then I’m fired?” I looked at the floor, waiting to hear the words. “Of course I’m fired. I blew up your customer’s beard. How could I not be fired?” Don’t cry, you big ninny. Do not cry. You’re not a crier, remember?

  “Now, I wouldn’t go as far as firing you.”

  “You wouldn’t?” My head popped right up and my spine straightened like I was a jack-in-the-box.

  Zark looked at the crowd, none of whom had left, not even burned-beard guy.

  “It wasn’t a good showing, but I don’t want to be hasty, either. Maybe you do some of the manual stuff and leave the magic to me for now, until you get settled in. It’s probably only nerves. There can be magical flare-ups due to nerves.” He waved a hand toward the bottles. “But, you know, maybe don’t touch too much, and don’t do anything magical at all. I mean nothing at all. Don’t utter a magical word or have a magical thought, all right?”

  The nice Zark was still there, just like all his customers.

  “I won’t do a thing. Absolutely nothing.”

  He nodded. “That’s good.”

  “You’re going to stay back here with me?” He was hiring me to tend his bar and he couldn’t leave? How long would things last like this? “I could maybe just call you if there’s a magical drink.”

  “It’s your first day. I don’t want to overtax you.”

  He was afraid to leave me back here alone, even as he took a step away from me, just in case.

  “But if I don’t learn, what about next time I work, or the time after that?” There was no way he wouldn’t end up firing me.

  A couple of people were examining the burned beard, smiling and nodding. Even burned-beard guy was nodding, as if this was somehow good.

  “We’ll figure something out,” Zark said, looking out at the crowd as well.

  This place was strange. Maybe this could last?

  I’d just fallen asleep when the door swung open, slamming into the wall and jolting me awake. I scanned the entry for a herd of something bigger than grouslies heading over to eat me.

  Instead, there was Zab, bouncing around. “I found you a place!”

  “You did?” Even my sleep-deprived brain registered how fast he’d managed that. From what I’d known, he did like to entertain the ladies a lot. A homeless friend on your couch was definitely a deterrent to sexy times.

  “Yes. Come on. I’ve got the keys.” He was nearly vibrating, like he’d been plugged in.

  “You’ve got the keys? They just gave them to you?” I shoved the hair out of my face.

  “Of course. I already gave them payment. They have to. That’s the way it works.”

  That cleared all the sleep cobwebs from my brain like a shop vac on a miniature dollhouse. I sprang up from the couch, grabbing clean clothes from the bag I was living out of.

  “You told them I’d take it already? You paid for it?” How much had I made yesterday? This place better be really cheap.

  “That’s how things work here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Places don’t open up for years sometimes. As soon as one is available, you take it.”

  “Oh, okay, then. Good work! How many coins do I owe you?” I asked, heading to the bathroom to get myself together.

  “You’ll never believe it!” he yelled after me.

  It was small, but not more so than my Salem place had been. It had a wood stove in the center, which probably warmed the whole place nicely.

  I was just about to tell Zab how much I loved the place when a dust bunny shot out from behind the stove and dashed across the room before disappearing. Then reappeared, dashed to another corner, and disappeared again.

  Zab groaned beside me. “He should’ve told me there was a dust bunny.”

  “It’s just a dust bunny. I’m sure I can get it to leave. The place is amazing, and I can’t believe how cheap it is. You s
aid five coin a month? That sounds ridiculous.”

  Zab was shaking his head and groaning again. “That’s not a regular dust bunny. That’s an Elusive Rare Dust Bunny. They used to only exist in Rest to torment people after they swept and vacuumed their house. Someone brought one back through a puddle, and they’ve become an invasive species. In Rest, they never show themselves, but here they don’t stay invisible all the time. They don’t have to with no known natural predators.”

  “Wait, they have predators in Rest?”

  “Of course they do. Humans.”

  “But what about here?”

  “Oh no, you can’t chase out the Elusive Rare Dust Bunny. It was done once, and very bad things happened afterward to the chaser.”

  I had to live with a dust bunny? I looked about the place with a new eye. There was a thick coating of dust everywhere. I’d figured a good cleaning would take care of it, but what if it had just been cleaned? Oh no. This was bad. This was really bad.

  “How long is the lease?”

  “Uh, um…” He covered his mouth with his hand, shooting little glances my way before he’d look back over the place.

  Oh yeah, I could totally believe the price now. It was all making sense.

  “How long, Zab? What did you sign me up for?”

  “Just, you know, the standard term. Nothing seemed crazy about it at the time. I thought you’d just lucked out.”

  And that was his first mistake. I didn’t have good luck. Hadn’t he figured that out yet? How long did you need to know me before that became apparent?

  “What’s the standard term?” I asked.

  “Like…one hundred and twenty moon cycles?”

  He took a step away from me. It was becoming a trend, it seemed.

  “What… Wait, you don’t mean… Is a moon cycle equal to a month?” What else could it be? Maybe a day? It was possible.

  He shrugged.

  “It’s a month? I’m signed up for a decade with an Elusive Rare Dust Bunny?”

  He inched toward the door. “You know, I’ve heard stories of people bribing them out. It could happen.”

  He was trying to help me. He was one of the best people I’d ever met. I needed to remember all these things before I killed him.

  “Tippi? Are you okay? You know, you could always just stay with me. You don’t have to move.” He took a few more steps toward the door.

  “It’ll be… I mean, it’s good. It’s a good place. I’ll figure something out with the dust bunny. I’m sure we can come to terms somehow.”

  It did another pass, as if marking its territory.

  “Before I forget.” He reached into his jacket pocket and extended his arm, holding out a book. “Housewarming gift.”

  “Thanks.”

  He shot to the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “The dust is killing me. You can stay at my place, but I’ve got to get out of here. I think I’m allergic.”

  I waved him off. I couldn’t live with him forever. I’d make it work, somehow.

  The dust bunny shot past me again.

  “Now you’re just showing off,” I yelled at it.

  8

  A bead of sweat dripped down my face as the stove kept blasting out heat, and my couch had turned out to be the only hugger in Xest. I must’ve missed hugs or something, because there was nothing about this in the magic book.

  “I promise I’ll come back and sit with you later, but you have to let me up.”

  Finally, the couch relented and I made it over to the stove.

  “The room needs to be cooler,” I said, flicking my hand toward the wood stove.

  The fire went out completely. Not what I was hoping for, but I’d relight it after it was no longer a sauna in here.

  At least the cocoa I’d set in the corner was gone and the dust bunny hadn’t streaked a path across the place in hours.

  I held up the new cocoa I’d just picked up. “Remember, if you want the cocoa to keep coming, you do your dusting outside.”

  A small chirping sound came from the vicinity of the corner. I took that to be an agreement as I placed the cocoa down.

  Now that the place was swept, I picked up Zab’s housewarming gift.

  The Handy Dandy Witch’s Guide to a Happy Home by Matilda Marilda Hapilda

  Furnishing Your New Home

  There’s nothing more unattractive than a home filled with new items. In this chapter, we’ll take you step by step through how to create well-worn and previously loved furniture from scratch. With a few flicks of your wrist, a couple of words, you’ll be on your way to a beautiful home, the envy of any witch and wizard, filled with items that look like they’ve been passed down through your family for generations. And remember, if something appears too new, you can always reabsorb the magic and start again. Don’t settle for anything less.

  I read the instructions. A couple of flicks of the wrist and a couple of chants and I’d hopefully have an apartment full of furniture. I scanned it all the way to the bottom, where there was the tiniest print possible.

  Not guaranteed to work, especially for lower-level witches. Not guaranteed to last, especially for beginners. Spell only as good as the caster. Can’t guarantee spells work for protectorates. We hold no responsibility if you use up all your magic on home décor.

  Even in Xest, they covered their ass. Did people even sue here, or did they just turn you into a toad if they got mad?

  Whatever. I needed a couch and didn’t have that many coins yet. I’d take my chances, Matilda.

  Mind focused, wrist flicking, chants flowing, I gestured toward the wall.

  Whoa. I had a couch. It was a strange, tweed-looking fabric, a blend of greens, blues, and hot pink, but it was a couch and definitely worn. I took a few steps toward it and gave its cushion a press. Felt decent enough. I turned to sit, and a puff of dust shot up. Must have spooked the dust bunny.

  There was a clucking noise.

  “Fine. That one was my fault. I didn’t mean to startle you with a couch. I won’t take the cocoa back.”

  It appeared a few feet away from me and was staring at the couch, as if it wanted it gone.

  “I need furniture. I’m a person.”

  Its ears went back and a little puff of dust went up.

  “If we’re going to be living together, I’m sure there are things you would like that I could do for you—like maybe a blanket and little bed of your own? That sounds nice, right?”

  The bunny sat up on its hind legs, one ear going up as if it knew what I was saying.

  “I could do these things for you, if maybe you could limit the amount of dust you put out just because I need furniture?”

  Ear went down and then back, flat against its head. It disappeared. A second later, there was a huge dust cloud in front of me.

  “We’re going to have to come to a compromise.”

  More dust clouds. This place was going to look like the Dust Bowl again soon. Hopefully the bunny would calm down by the time my shift was over.

  I grabbed my bag. “You just remember that they don’t serve dust bunnies cocoa before you get out of hand.”

  It didn’t respond, but it also didn’t puff up any more dust.

  I patted the dust off my jacket as I headed out. Zark’s was across town from here, but the extra time in the fifth wind might be a good thing today.

  The sun was setting, but it was still light enough to see the alternating nods and sneers as I made my way down the street. Eventually this would feel normal, as all things did, but it might take a tad longer than my typical adjustment period. I’d had no idea that I’d be such a polarizing person when I came back, not that it made me want to go jump in any puddles. I’d get used to the sneers, and they’d adjust to the fact that I wasn’t leaving. But perhaps I’d stay to the main roads until a little more adjusting had been done.

  I was so busy staring down the alleys I was avoiding that I ran right into a brick wall. Or Oscar, to put a name
to him.

  “Sorry. Didn’t see you there.”

  “Yeah, I noticed you were preoccupied.” He glanced down the alley himself, as if expecting to see a monster. “Something down there?”

  “No. Just a shadow.”

  “Heading to work?” he asked as he fell into step with me.

  “Yep. Thanks again for that. I owe you one.” I owed him big. Without him, I wasn’t sure anyone would’ve hired me, ever. Hawk had some serious pull in this place, even with the people who didn’t like him.

  “Not a problem.” He was smiling a little too wide.

  Was this a “stick it to your friend”-type deal? Was that why he was helping me stay? Didn’t matter. Him sticking it to Hawk definitely helped me.

  “Where were you heading?” I asked.

  “Just happen to have some affairs that need to be handled down this way.”

  He didn’t offer any more details, and I didn’t press, not wanting to scare off my only jovial company. The amount of sneers heading my way this last leg of the journey was astounding. People didn’t always cross the street for Oscar, but they didn’t exactly get in his way, either, and I was enjoying the sneer buffer.

  “Okay, well, I’ll be off. Things to do and other debts to collect.”

  Zark’s was only a few doors down as Oscar nodded and continued along. It might’ve been a coincidence, or had Oscar purposely walked me to work? I glance around, wondering if other people might’ve gotten the same impression. Would they all think I’d wanted protection? Well, I had liked it, but would they know? Or worse, would they think I sought it out? That wouldn’t do at all. I’d leave fifteen minutes earlier tomorrow, just in case. I’d rather take a beating than look like I was afraid of them.

  I walked into Zark’s, and the place was busier than I’d ever seen. They all turned and looked at me nearly at the same time. At least here there was a room full of nods.

  “Ah, Tippi, my dear!” Zark was waiting by the bar beside a young man with sandy-brown hair and big hazel eyes. I was pretty sure I recognized him from being out and about and not from getting sneered at. “This is Gregor, my son. It’s been so busy in here lately that I figured he could help you out when you work.”