Elemental Fear

by Ada Frost

  Chapter 12

  Just as arranged Johan picked me up for work. He did have to take a slight detour when Ellie hijacked him and coerced him to take her to school.

  The car ride was painful, painful to my ears and sides because I spent my time laughing as Johan insisted on singing, rather badly to songs he knew very little words to so he decided he would make up the lyrics as he went along. He is so carefree and happy all of the time. As we ride up the lift to our office floor I sneak a glance at him, even now he has a soft smirk on his face. It’s like he lives in perpetual happy land. I like spending time with him because he makes me smile just by being near his positive energy. We arranged for him to finish at 5.30pm and meet me in the lobby so he could take me home.

  I go in my office, sit at my desk and check my emails, the first one I notice is from Dominic’s personal account sent this morning.

  To: Eve.Beaumont@Ealing.com

  From: LaytonDom78@hotmail.co.uk

  Subject: Behave!

  Sent: 2013-10-22 7.13am

  Hi Eve,

  Just wanted to leave a quick message to make sure you got to work okay.

  I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a lift, I've taken a few days off to help a friend move house.

  I will be back Wednesday and things will be back to normal.

  Please don’t overdo things whilst you are there, if you feel any pain or it gets too much I have

  informed Alistair that you MUST go home. I have spies so be warned lady I will know and if I have

  to I will come get you from work myself!

  D x

  I closed the email and swallow the lump in my throat – a friend. He called Vanessa a friend, the woman he is currently moving into his home is more than a friend. I'm his friend, she is his future, and if they are engaged again she will be his wife. Why wasn’t he truthful with me and simply said he was moving her in, but then again he never told me he was moving out of Jill’s to his own home. He must have been planning this for months, because it isn’t that quick of a process renting or buying houses. Strangely I feel betrayed that he would do this without telling me, even in a friends capacity. It hurts that he didn’t want to share such a monumental decision in his life and I had to find out from Johan. I close my eyes and will the pathetic tears to go away, I am sick of feeling so weak all the time.

  I used to think when I was a teenager I knew everything there was to know about the world. Fifteen and such a know it all, I laughed at my own naivety, why is it when we are kids do we think we know all there is to life, that the simple hiccups in our daily routine are bound to ruin our entire existence. In GCSE English my fourth year of high school, we did Lord of the Flies, I loved the essays and assignments we were given, but I remember struggling with the violence and savagery of the young boys. I remember having a debate with Miss Stevens my English teacher, about how I didn’t believe people could be so savage, especially boys that had been brought up in loving respectable homes. I truly and naively believed that only people from broken abusive homes became abusive and vile. Miss Stevens said that we all have the innate ability to turn to savagery to survive, that within our human psyche we all possess a savage nature we just let our conscience control that aspect. Until I became the victim of such merciless behaviour I would never have understood such a thing. Now I hate that I ever doubted her, I hate that I held such blinded perceptions that people can easily walk away and seek help when in an abusive situation, more than that I hate that my naive perception of the world and my innocence was taken away. I never once believed I would feel so alone, terrified and trapped when I belong to such a loving family. It’s my family’s endless love and support that shames me into keeping my secret. I need to protect them from this ugliness and also protect myself from ever being pushed away. I used to believe that if ever a man abused me or a friend that I would walk away, I wouldn’t stay in such a destructive relationship and that I would always have happy love, see what I mean by naive?

  I never thought I would give my body to anyone but Dominic; I waited over eighteen years, keeping myself pure for him. I wasn’t ready for sex, I wasn’t ready to belong to anyone other than Dominic, but Elliott made me his.

  The party was loud, but this time instead of being mainly Elliott’s friends the others were mostly people from my year and some others I knew from around college. Elliott knew a few people and there were a few who I recognised as being in his year and also one boy who I remember being on the rugby team with Dominic.

  “Get a room you two” laughed a male voice close by. I lifted my head, which felt incredibly heavy on my shoulders. I didn’t know his name but I remember him being a regular member of Elliott’s group of friends and also that he’s a complete dick. I felt Elliott’s hand slide from under my dress and I looked down, frowning because I didn’t realise it was there in the first place. He leaned forward and kissed me, his mouth harder than I would like against mine, but it was nice to be kissed and I liked how he held onto me, all possessive and safe. He pulled away and cupped my cheek looking intently at me. A small smile curved his lips.

  “I love you.” He mouthed and I smiled at him. But I wanted to remind him we were just friends, we had broken up a few weeks ago. I explained to him I wanted to be friends but nothing more.

  Elliott pressed me harder against the wall with his body, his hips pinning me in place, my dress hiked up and exposed an inappropriate amount of thigh. I moved my hand from his shoulder and started to pull at the hem of my dress. I had a goofy smile plastered on my face and giggled for no apparent reason. Elliott’s eyes changed and the smile he offered me was a little predatory and my inside screamed at me to push him away. But I liked the warmth of his body and the strength he possessed holding me there. I gasped in shock when his hand circled my wrist and placed my hand firmly over his erection. We had fooled around before but it was usually him touching me, my boobs, my thighs, I let him touch me without my knickers on but I found it too embarrassing to relax, so rarely enjoyed it. Usually he would touch me for a while and then finish himself off. We did the touching and fondling but I never got the release other people bragged about.

  He nodded his head in another direction and pulled me through the crowd to some stairs.

  Unsteadily I took the first step and almost fell, but before I hit the ground two strong arms scooped me up and carried me up the stairs. I buried my head in his neck and laughed. It quickly turned into a serious fit of giggles and I struggled to catch my breath. When I looked up we were in a room, it was dark and the only light was from the street lamps outside casting a yellowy orange glow around the room. The thump of musical beat from downstairs surrounded us. I scowled because I couldn’t work out how I got up the stairs – maybe I flew. I giggled again thinking I could fly. It looked like a boy’s bedroom with all the trophies and football posters.

  “Isitbedtime” my words came out a garbled mess.

  Elliott laughed “something like that Angel”

  He moved me towards the bed and when the backs of my knees hit the bed I automatically sat down. He kissed me on the neck as I looked around the room and I shrugged my shoulder to stop him. He slid his arm around my back and pulled me to him, my shoulder hitting his chest. His other hand slid up my stomach, over my breast to my neck. His thumb tilted my chin towards him and his mouth descended quickly and forcefully. I kissed him back for a while but then pulled back, suddenly as everything starting swirling and blurring. I blinked and opened my eyes wide to clear my vision, I shook my head to see if that would help but that made things even worse.

  “Lie down for a bit.” He whispered.

  I turned, my movements seeming exaggerated, taking extra effort. I smiled at him and cupped his cheek for being so thoughtful, then slumped down in an unladylike manner. I immediately wanted to curl up and go to sleep. I closed my eyes and my bones seemed to dissolve, my body felt almost liquefied.

  I closed my eyes tighter when a bright light came on, then I heard a beep of s
ome kind followed by a flash, I wanted to open my eyes to look but my eyelids were too heavy and it felt too difficult to do, so I snuggled further into the softness. I heard ruffling and a metallic zip but ignored it before I felt the bed rock and something warm press down on me. Soft hands unzipped my dress and I shimmied myself out of it, waiting for the soft cotton of my favourite pyjamas, but I just felt cold. I tried to move but suddenly something heavy was covering me, so I forced my eyes open.

  “Hey beautiful girl”

  “Hmm, needsleep, my jammies” I slurred and tried to push him away but he immobilised me by holding my wrists at the side of my head.

  “Not yet, Angel. First let’s play for a bit”

  I felt his lips on mine and turned my head away from him not liking the feel “Ell-ot –”I felt so tired and my body drained of energy with his heavy weight upon me.

  “Sssh just enjoy it” his lips trailed down my neck and continued to the swell of my breasts. “Fucking perfect” I heard him whisper before his tongue licked at my nipples - when did I lose my bra? I tried to speak again but it came out a garbled moan instead. I wriggled trying to dislodge his hold on my hands.

  “Ell-ot ssstopit” Again my jumbled words sounded like a moan. I tried lifting my legs for leverage but his body had me pinned. I wanted to fight, I wanted to push at him but my mind wanted to rest, it wanted to shut down and I could feel reality slipping away.

  “Please” I begged for him to leave me alone.

  “You don’t have to beg sweetheart. I’ll make it good I promise”

  “That’snotwhat-“ I slurred before my vision blurred altogether, if I closed my eyes for a few seconds my strength would return, so for a few seconds I closed my eyes, but then the world went away, silent and peaceful.

  When I woke up the next day my head felt like it had been trampled on by a herd of elephants and my tongue felt like I’d been licking sandpaper. I cradled my head and groaned loudly closing my eyes tightly. I needed to pee so I begrudgingly sat up and headed to the bathroom. When I finished and wiped myself I felt incredible sore and a slight smudge of blood was on the tissue. I washed my hands and saw slight bruising around my wrists.

  mum and dad were sat at the table eating lunch “well it lives” shouted dad, or at least it felt like he shouted.

  “Sssh” I pleaded

  Dad laughed and mum scolded him for laughing at me.

  “Have you any idea what state you were in last night? It was disgusting young lady. I said you could go to a party if you acted responsibly, this time. Having poor Elliott carry your drunken backside home is not responsible Evelyn.” She snapped.

  “Carry me home?” I repeated, I didn’t remember that, in fact I couldn’t remember anything other than the noise and horrible smell of the place.

  “Yes, you passed out again. Good job he was with you otherwise God knows what would have happened to you. To say I'm disappointed in you is an understatement.”

  “Hold on –“ Dad offered but was interrupted by mum.

  “So you think it’s okay for a eighteen year old girl to be comatose drunk and carried home, because I certainly don’t. I think it’s bloody stupid and I thought you had more oil in your can Evelyn.” She lifted her hand to her mouth as if stopping herself from saying more, her eyes were starting to fill with unshed tears and my heart sank at the pain and worry I had caused her and dad.

  “I Just…I thank God Elliott was there” choked out.

  “I'm sorry” I whispered.

  mum simply shook her head and left the room.

  “She’s just worried, but it was a pretty stupid thing to do baby girl. We expect better of you. We know you’re an adult now, but 8, 18 or 38 we still worry and you’ll always be our baby girl.”

  “I know I'm sorry it won’t happen a...” I suddenly felt nauseous so raced to the bathroom where my body rejected the alcohol emptying my stomach.

  I remained holed up in my room for the rest of the day hiding from their disappointment, but more so wallowing in self pity because I discovered I hated hangovers.

  Elliott came by later in the day all bright a breezy, with no effects of the night before, the gloating bastard. Apparently he hadn’t had anything to drink, he was drinking straight cola with nothing mixed, and I on the other hand had drunk nearly my weight in tequila.

  He came in my room sat on my bed and kissed me fully on the mouth. When I jumped back pushing him away he laughed at me.

  “What? No love today?” He laughed.

  “I can’t believe you let me get in that state. mum is seriously pissed at me. My head is banging and you sit there all smiles. It’s frigging annoying.” I snapped wiping at my mouth.

  “And I told you last week that I think we needed a break that I want to be friends not –“

  “Really?” He asked his brow lifting an irritatingly smug expression “Then why did you have your tongue down my throat most of the night and your legs wrapped around my waist?”

  “What?” I snapped and rubbed at my temples. “What are you talking about?”

  He lifted a digital camera and turned the screen to face me. What I saw made me want to empty

  my stomach again. The vile images and video recording were proof that last night I had lost, or should I say, had my virginity taken by this sick evil twisted bastard sat smiling at me.

  “Pretty hot stuff if you ask me.” He commented.

  The whimpers, from me, and heavy panting from Elliott echoed through the room as I watched my innocence evaporate in front of me. How had I not known, and why wasn’t I doing anything to stop him. Then I remembered the blood this morning and the soreness.

  “You...you...rrraped me” tears rolled down my face as I stared at the screen.

  “Oh no Angel you were gagging for it. I simply obliged,” he said with contented chuckle.

  “I never...I didn’t...”

  “Now how I see it, we are officially a couple. You were and still are my girlfriend and I can take what I want when I want it, that’s how relationships work.”

  “You are sick, I'm not... I told you I don’t love you, I never have. I am not your girlfriend and

  ...you...you sick bastard I'm reporting you to the –“

  I didn’t get another word out because he jumped at me and grabbed me by the throat pinning me to the bed “listen you little fucking tease, you wanted that last night, you were practically humping me in the kitchen. I thought we needed some privacy and you were more than willing to spread yourself out on the bed. You kissed me back. So don’t be all fucking ‘mother Theresa’ on me now that I gave you what you wanted. Do you say stop once on that video? Do you fight me? NO! You fucking enjoyed it.”

  I tried to shake my head and argue but he tightened his hold on my throat.

  “Do you honestly think anyone will believe you, I came home as sober as a judge and you were passed out stinking like a brewery? It wasn’t rape when you didn’t tell me to stop; you wanted it as much as me. There are plenty of people from that party that saw you dry humping me, begging me to touch you. You wanted it, I had my hand up your fucking dress in front of everyone so who is going to believe you? Hmm? You can’t call rape just because you can’t remember it? You wanted it! You were begging for it.”

  “That’s...” I twisted my neck to the side to try loosen his grip “you forced me –“

  “Watch the video Angel; I never forced you...you loved every second of it. If you wanted me to stop you should have said. You should hear yourself moaning, it’s sexy as fuck hearing you. I'm getting stiff thinking about it right now if you want a replay?”

  I swallowed the bile choking me. “Don’t...don’t touch me” I gasped out, his hand still grabbing my throat.

  “Just think what all your friends would say watching you whore yourself like that. The virtuous Eve spreading herself like warm butter...” He covered his mouth in mock surprise “What would Dominic think of his best little buddy being such a hot little vixen in bed?” His hand
tightened again “I've told you once and I will tell you one final time, to make sure that stupid fucking brain of yours is listening...you are mine. I've made you mine now. I will take what I want when I want it, this teasing me and dangling me on a fucking string like a puppet is stopping now. I've fucked you I was inside you first, that makes you mine.”

  “No –“

  “You tell a fucking sole Eve or refuse to accept the love we have for one another and I can’t guarantee I won’t show this video to everyone that has ever spoken to you. And I can’t guarantee I will stay away from little Louise, she still needs breaking in, and we both know I’m good at that”

  “What?” I gasped in absolute horror “she’s...she’s...thirteen Elliott”

  “She looks a lot like you though, if I can’t have you then I need some kind of –“

  “You’re sick.”

  “You are mine and I will do anything to keep it that way. Don’t push me because I will make you regret it, and it will be your fault if precious little Louise isn’t so precious anymore”

  “Dad will tear you apart if you touch her” I snapped gritting my teeth.

  “But it would be too late then. I will hurt her beyond repair if you dare go against me.” He growled and tightened his hold on my throat. I saw the bleak look in his eyes and I knew I just knew my fate was sealed. He had taken me, broken me, and made me his.

  “Okay” I whispered. Tears streamed down my face. Shame blanketed me suffocating the life out of me. “Okay...I’m...yours” I choked on a sob.

  A tear hit my computer keyboard while I sat at my desk. Now you see how I deserve my life, if I hadn’t been so stupidly drunk that evening, if I had said no. He was right he never forced me, because I never fought him, I never said stop or protested I simply fell asleep and allowed it. I remember the days after that I scrubbed my body raw in the shower. I felt tainted and dirty and I wanted to rip my skin off of my body and scream. I remember looking at the world differently and going from once feeling so loved and connected with my entire friends and family to feeling desperately detached and alone.