Our Secrets

by Erin Osborne

“Ma’am, I’m Noah Steele, Victoria’s oldest brother. She has another brother as well. We’ll be payin’ for her visits in cash until we get her insurance. It might be a few weeks or so before her insurance is in place. We’ll make sure everythin’ is taken care of before she even goes in to talk to the counsellor,” Torch informs her.

  “Okay. We’ll see her tomorrow morning at nine o’clock.”

  Torch hangs up and slides his phone in his pocket. I’m not allowed to have a phone yet. They don’t want me trying to get any alcohol behind their back. I can’t say I blame them one bit. It’s going to take a lot of work for me to earn their trust back. I’ll do it, no matter what I have to do or how long it will take. Tags will be earning the same thing from me. As long as he wants me in his life still.

  “Now we have to get you set up with AA. I’ll look into it, and we’ll get that sorted,” my brother informs me. “Are you ready for all this?”

  “I’m ready. I don’t ever want to go through this again. I know it was a mistake to begin drinking in the first place. From now on, I’m not going to push you guys away or hide things. I’ve learned I can’t do everything on my own no matter how much I may want to,” I respond to him honestly.

  “Okay. I’ll be in the living room. Are you goin’ to come out?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be out in a little bit. I’m going to lay down for a quick nap I think,” I tell him, pulling my blankets back up.

  “I’ll let you sleep for a while. If you’re still sleepin’ by dinner, I’ll wake you up,” he lets me know as he leaves my room.

  Laying back in bed, I pull the blankets up while I try to get comfortable. It’s a little hard to every now and then. My sleep schedule is still all messed up to. I sleep at the weirdest times. It’s beginning to drive me insane because I want to get back into a routine of some sort. Something that resembles normal again.

  It doesn’t take long, and sleep once again claims me. I dream of Tags and what our possible future will look like. They say your dreams are wishes you want to come true. I want Tags more than anything.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Tags

  AFTER LEARNING WHAT Victoria is going through, I’ve been consumed with a need to see her. I always want to see her, have her in my arms, and simply be in her presence. What I’m feeling now is so much worse than it’s ever been before. She’s going through something insane and I want to be there for her. To help in any way I can.

  Making a decision, I close out my room at the shop since I don’t have anymore appointments for the day. Pulling my phone out, I call Wrath. He’s been hanging around the clubhouse more than going out on the road.

  “What’s up?” Wrath answers his phone.

  “Need a favor. Can you come to the shop? There’s somethin’ I need to do,” I question him.

  “I’ll be there in less than an hour. Want to shower first. You got any appointments I need to know about?”

  “Nope. Had one this mornin’ I just finished up,” I respond, grabbing my keys while stopping in the front of the shop.

  “Okay. I’ll jump in the shower and be there,” he says hanging up.

  Sliding my phone back in my pocket, I turn to Trevor and Millie. Letting them know I’m leaving, and Wrath will be here soon, I head out the back door of Blazing Ink, heading directly for my bike. The second I’m on, I simultaneously put on my helmet while turning my bike on. As soon as I’m ready, I pull from the parking lot and make my way toward Victoria’s apartment. It’s been almost three weeks since I last laid eyes on her. My hope is she’s on the other side of everything and will actually want to see me. If not, I’ll deal with that when it happens.

  As I pull into her parking lot, I spot Torch’s bike here. His is the only one as I ride up next to it so I can park. As soon as my bike is shut down and my helmet is resting on the seat, I’m heading for Vicky’s apartment. Taking the steps up two at a time, I knock on the door. Surprisingly, I’m not pounding the door down since I’m desperate to see her.

  Torch opens the door and has his finger pressed against his lips as he stands back allowing me to enter after him. I close the door behind me while we remain close to it.

  “She’s sleepin’,” he warns me. “Her sleepin’ pattern is crazy right now so she gets it when she can. Don’t wake her up. She’s only been out for a little while. I have to wake her up when it’s time for dinner.”

  Nodding my head, I tread lightly toward the bedroom door. It’s standing open as I watch her sleep for a few minutes. Victoria appears so small and fragile amongst her blankets and pillows. From what I can see of her, she has dark circles under her eyes, and her hair is mussed up. Her skin is pale while appearing paper thin. For the first time since she got to Willow Creek, Victoria looks peaceful and at ease. There isn’t tension filling her even in sleep. Hell, there’s no crease in her face as she appears even younger than she already does some days.

  Knowing there’s nothing I can do right now, I head back to the living room so I can ask Torch how she’s doing.

  “How is everythin’?” I question as I sit down on the couch with him.

  “Good. Better than I expected actually. She’s goin’ to start counselin’ tomorrow. Plus, she wants to go to AA. Lil’ Bit hasn’t had a drink in weeks now. The worst of it’s over. Well, as far as detox goes. She’ll fight the rest of her life with the want to drink,” he responds, relaxing back into the couch.

  “I’m glad to hear it. Why didn’t anyone let me know sooner? I would’ve been here to help her through this shit. To help you guys with it,” I ask, needing to know the answer.

  “It doesn’t have anythin’ to do with what went down between you two. I looked shit up and read it’s best to limit contact with people. Tags, you wouldn’t have wanted to see her like that. She wouldn’t have wanted you to see her like that. Other than Satan, you, and Raine, no one knows where we are. Or what we’re doin’. Satan doesn’t even know the details. Raine does because she was helpin’ us. There was no way Pyro or I were changin’ her when she sweat through everythin’. Or cleanin’ her up. Trust me, we handled it the best we could,” he informs me.

  Rationally, I know he’s right. Still, I would’ve made runs to the store, made sure they all had whatever they need, or anything else I could’ve done. Now, there isn’t a force strong enough to keep me away from her. Victoria needs to know I’ll be here by her side no matter what she’s going through.

  “Not goin’ anywhere now,” I state, looking at the man sitting next to me.

  “Figured that much out. As long as she doesn’t have a problem with it, you can be here. If she gets upset or anythin’, you’ll have to go. Vic will need all the help she can get. She needs to know we’re all gonna be here to support her and help through each and every day as it comes at her. I imagine as she begins counsellin’ she’ll be wrecked and sleep a lot. At least then she’ll be able to start gettin’ shit out and learn how to deal with it. Lil’ Bit has been internalizin’ a lot of shit she didn’t need to,” Torch lets me know.

  “Trust me, I don’t want to do a damn thing that’s gonna set her back or anythin’. I only want her to know I’m goin’ to be there for her on her good and bad days. That she’s got more than just you two to lean on. She’ll always have me to lean on. I’ll support any decision she makes about everythin’ goin’ on,” I let him know.

  While I have feelings for Victoria, I love the woman, there’s no way in hell I’ll be talking about that with Torch. First, I’m not a woman who has to talk about her feelings. Second, I’m just barely feeling better from the beating I got from him and Pyro after they found out I’d been fucking their little sister. Not really looking forward to going through that again right now. I will though. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for Vic.

  The rest of the day we hang out and talk. Victoria stirs a few times, but she doesn’t fully wake up while I’m at her place. Torch and I talk about a lot of shit that’s going to need to happen in the coming weeks. Including maki
ng sure Victoria isn’t really left alone for long periods right now. We don’t want her to backslide into her drinking after going through hell in her attempt to get sober.

  For dinner, Torch and I share a pizza and wings. Even the aroma from the pizza isn’t enough to rouse Vic from her sleep. My heart breaks for her as I realize everything her body, mind, emotions, and soul are going through.

  After eating dinner, I softly walk into her room and place a kiss on her temple. She stirs and mumbles in her sleep before settling back down under her blankets. Walking back out of the room, Torch lets me know he’ll wake her up in a little bit to eat something before she rests some more. He’s just taking everything at her pace right now. It’s a great plan to help her through this so she doesn’t feel pressured into anything. The last thing we want is for her to get back to the point she was.

  Leaving her apartment, I make my way home. I still have some of her things there. Grabbing a bottle of water, I head to my room and climb in bed. The pillows faintly smell like her, but it’s fading quickly. She’s left the tee-shirt on my bed that she sleeps in. I haven’t touched it because I want her belongings scattered across my house. This will eventually be our home if I have my way.

  Draining my beer, I stand up and strip out of my clothes. Once I’m naked, I climb back in bed and let sleep claim me. I dream of Victoria round with my baby as we live our lives as one. One of the best dreams ever.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Victoria

  WHEN TORCH WOKE me up last night, I smelled Tags in my apartment. His smell filled my senses as I walked through the house looking for him. He wasn’t here by the time I woke up. Torch let me know he’d spent most of the day here while I was asleep. That he would be back soon to see me. Unless I didn’t want him here. Of course, I do. I miss Tags and want to talk to him, see him, just be in the same room with him.

  I ate a piece of pizza, which turned my stomach, before grabbing a Gatorade and water to take to my room with me. Torch came in and laid in bed with me for a while. My brother bought me a TV for my room. We laid there, watching some action movie while I tried to go back to sleep. I actually slept most of the night which was nice.

  Waking up this morning, I’m not quite as exhausted as I have been the last few weeks. I feel rested and more alert than I have too. Torch lets me know I have to jump in the shower so we can head out for my appointment. Getting out of bed, I complete my morning routine, get dressed, and then head out with my brother to the counselor’s office.

  We take my car because I’m not ready to be on a bike just yet. If I’m on one, it will be Tags’ bike and no one else’s. Torch knows how I feel about this too. Yeah, it was different when I was younger. I’d ride with either one of my brothers any chance I got. Now, if I’m on the back of a bike, it will be my man’s bike. No one else will get to share that with me. I won’t share it with anyone else either.

  As far as I’m concerned, being on the back of a bike is something special between a man and his woman. Besides, most of the guys in the club won’t put a woman on the back of their bike who isn’t their ol’ lady. That’s their belief. One I completely agree with.

  Pulling up to the counselor’s office, Torch parks and gets out with me. He’s going to go in for support, so I don’t have to wait alone. Plus, he’s got the money to pay for my visit. Pyro and he are both footing the bill for my appointments until we figure out something for insurance for me. I’ll eventually pay them back for it. Yes, that’s been a source of arguments between us. They don’t want the money back from me because they fully support me and want me to get better.

  “Can I help you?” a different receptionist asks us.

  “Yeah. I’m Victoria Steele. I have an appointment with Dawn this morning. My brother is here to pay for it,” I answer her, looking around to see no one else is in here right now.

  The receptionist loses interest in me as soon as she sees Torch. My brother is extremely good looking. All the men in the club are. Most women fall at their feet and want to worship the ground they walk on. If they only knew what pigs these guys actually are, these women probably wouldn’t lose their minds over them. I’m not one to judge though. Just sucks when the men get all the attention if they aren’t the ones there for an appointment or anything.

  Torch and I sit down after he takes care of the bill for today’s session. I grab a magazine from the table in front of us and begin flipping through it without really seeing anything on the pages. My brother can read my body language. He knows I’m trying to keep busy while I wait. I don’t want to have to think about everything we’re going to talk about in there today. It may only be for an hour, but you can talk about a lot of things in that amount of time if you really want to.

  “Victoria Steele,” my name is called by Dawn.

  I met her the other day when I was here. She’s an older woman with kind eyes and a bright, ready smile.

  “How are you today?” I ask her as we walk into her room.

  “I’m doing well. Thank you for asking,” she replies. “How are you feeling today?”

  “I’m nervous in all honesty,” I state as she closes the door behind us and takes a seat across a table from me.

  “That’s normal. How about today, we go over what brought you in here, so I know your history,” she says, pulling out a notepad.

  “Okay. Well, for the last few months, I’ve been drinking on and off. Mainly on. See, I had a miscarriage. When it happened, I was alone. By the time my ex got to the hospital, everything had already taken place. He seemed fine while we were in public. From there, he completely changed. Started berating me, calling me names, telling me how worthless I am. As soon as the door closed behind us, he beat on me. Sprained my wrist, gave me a black eye, and I had a cut just beyond my hairline. Then, the very next day when I could barely move, he kicked me out of the house we’d been sharing. I had no where to go or anything else I would need. I had to be babysat while I had little time to pack my belongings.”

  Dawn looks at me as I finish speaking. There isn’t pity in her eyes as I’ve come to expect from people. Instead, there’s a strength I didn’t know I’d see from someone else who didn’t know me.

  “I’ve lived through much the same situation. Let me guess, you’re not a real woman, you can’t get anything right, you couldn’t even carry a baby to term. Those are some of the things you’ve been told by this ex?” she questions me.

  Nodding my head, I wonder how the hell much we actually have in common. I’m hoping this is why they put us together.

  “That’s when the drinking started?” Dawn questions.

  “Yeah. And I’d go out to a club or bar and find a random man to have sex with. Well, until I started sleeping with Tags,” I answer her honestly.

  “Who is Tags?”

  “He’s a member of the Blazing Outlaws MC with my brothers.”

  “I see. What do your brothers think of this?” she asks me.

  “Well, I’m not too sure. We were keeping it a secret from them. No one but us knew about it.”

  “Is there any particular reason you were hiding it?”

  “No. Well, other than my brothers can be overbearing. If I let them, they’d dictate every aspect of my life,” I tell her with a small laugh. “They’re actually the reason I’m sober now. It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve had a drink. They were there for every step.”

  “That’s good. Did you want to get sober?” Dawn asks me.

  For a few minutes, I really think about it. Was I ready to get sober?

  “Yes, I was,” I finally respond. “I was tired of drinking. Of feeling like I was letting everyone down around me. That’s another thing I was hiding from my brothers, Tags, and anyone else in my life. I wasn’t going out of my way to talk to anyone or hang out with my family. If they came over, I ignored the door. That’s not any kind of way to live life.”

  “Good. I’m glad you feel that way. I personally have been sober for going on almost fifteen years
now. I’ve never felt better,” she informs me. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. I’m going to give you my personal cell phone number.”

  “Thank you so much, Dawn,” I tell her, meaning it.

  “Have you gotten into AA yet?”

  “Not yet. That’s the next step. We’re looking into one.”

  “I can recommend a program for you to go through. In all honesty, I still go to meetings. You’re always going to want to drink. It will get easier to handle the longer you stay sober. You’ll be able to be around others who are drinking and not feel as if your crawling out of your skin. Just accept the help around you. Your friends, family, and other loved ones want to be there for you. Let them in. That’s coming from personal experience,” Dawn tells me.

  “Thank you for everything,” I tell her.

  “Now, I have a very important question for you,” Dawn begins. “Have you actually grieved having a miscarriage? Or have you simply been pushing it to the back of your mind and not dealt with it?”

  “I haven’t dealt with it,” I answer without hesitation.

  “That’s the first thing we’re gonna work on. Today is done. We’re going to dig into your grief and what happened with losing the baby when you come in. It won’t be tomorrow; I’ll see you the next day. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be our days to meet. Is there any certain time you’d like to meet?” Dawn questions.

  “The time doesn’t matter. Whatever works for you. If at all possible, I’d like to have as close to the same time every day we meet. That way if my brother has something to do for the club, he can make arrangements around our appointments,” I state.

  “How about ten every other day. If you need me during the weekend, call my cell phone. I don’t usually do this, but for you I will,” she says, putting her number on the back of her card for me.

  Dawn walks me out of her room. Once I’m back in the waiting room, she shakes my hand and assures me she’ll see me in two days. Turning away from her, I walk toward my brother as he stands up from the uncomfortable as hell chair he’s been waiting for me in. We head out of the office and make our way toward my car. Even though we really didn’t get into detail with everything today, I’m still exhausted. I simply want to go to my apartment and go to bed. At least huddle under the blankets I have on there.