Our Secrets

by Erin Osborne

  Chapter Sixteen

  Tags

  FROM THE DAY I last saw Victoria while she was awake and working at Blazing Ink, it’s been about a month and a half. I’ve messaged Torch to receive updates on her because I’m still not sure she wants to see me just yet. Everything in her life, including whatever happens between us will be at her pace. I’m just a bystander until she lets me know what she wants or needs from me.

  Millie and Trevor helped me hire a new woman to run the front desk since Vic’s been gone. Her name is Kaitlyn. She’s in her early twenties, dresses in cute pin-up style dresses, combat boots on her feet every single day, with tattoos filling every available inch of skin we’ve seen so far. Kaitlyn doesn’t flirt with all the men coming and going from the shop. She does her job, talks with us while there’s a lull during our day, and doesn’t mind doing whatever we ask of her. Honestly, she’s a perfect fit for Blazing Ink. One I’m glad they forced me into hiring.

  I’m sitting at the desk, going over my appointments for the day when the bell on the door alerts me to someone walking in. Looking up, I’m stunned speechless at the sight before me. Victoria is here. In the flesh, standing less than a foot from me with a smile on her gorgeous face.

  Victoria is wearing a pair of tight jeans, molding to her body as if they’re a second skin. Various holes are placed in them, showing a glimpse of her porcelain skin. Instead of the loose, baggy shirts she’s taken to wearing lately, Vic has a tighter tee-shirt on with the Blazing Outlaws colors on it. It’s one of our support shirts. There isn’t a speck of make-up on her face and her hair hangs loose down her back. For the first time in a long time, her hair is shining and appears fuller than the last time I saw her. Hell, it looks as if she’s even started putting weight back on. Her collar bones aren’t sticking out as much as they were before.

  My woman looks good. Especially with the smile present on her face as she takes me in. I’m looking grungy compared to the last time she saw me. I’ve become lax on trimming my beard, sleep is becoming a rarity for me these days, and my clothes are rumpled. It honestly looks as if I’ve slept in them. It very well could be true. I’m not sure. One day seems to blend into the next in the blink of an eye without my woman being around.

  “Hey sexy,” she finally drawls out in a mock southern accent. “Miss me?”

  “Missin’ you would be an understatement. How are you doin’?” I question her.

  “I’m good. Really good. Now that I’m not drinking, I can see everything clearly. I’ve been going to counselling, AA, and talking about things a lot more. My counselor, Dawn, is actually my AA sponsor. She got me hooked up with a group she goes to. She’s been sober for a very long time now. Her faith and belief in me has helped me gain back my confidence. I’m working through my grief and realizing what I truly want in my life,” she responds, keeping her smile in place.

  “I’m really happy to hear that,” I inform her honestly.

  Looking at Victoria’s eyes, I realize they aren’t clouded by pain, grief, or the demons usually haunting her. They’re crystal clear now; almost the color of chocolate. Before they were lifeless, dead to the world. Not any longer. My heart races at the appearance of her in front of me as I take in all the subtle changes of her body in the last month and a half. I’ve never seen her look so fucking good in my entire life.

  “Um, is there somewhere we can talk? Or do you have a client coming in?” she questions me, looking around the shop.

  Right now, I’m the only one not working. My last client left about twenty minutes ago. I’ve had a drink, snacked on something so I didn’t pass the hell out, and sat my ass at the desk.

  “We can head into my room if you want. I don’t have another client until three. Kaitlyn will be back soon. I’ll just have to listen for the door until she gets back,” I let her know.

  “Oh.”

  For a second, Victoria deflates in front of my eyes. I’m not sure if she thinks Kaitlyn is someone I’m with now or if we replaced her at the shop. I’ll be clearing that shit up real quick.

  “I hired her to be here until you’re ready to come back. If you want to that is. She’ll cover your days off and nights at the shop so there’s less work for everyone else here. Nothin’ more,” I state.

  “None of it’s my business,” she informs me.

  Now it’s my turn to delate. Apparently she doesn’t want anything else to do with me. Other than me being her boss. My heart breaks at the thought of her not being in my life on a more permanent basis, but the choice is hers and I’ll go with whatever she decides to do.

  Standing up, I lead her to my room and shut the door until it’s only open a crack so I can hear the bell above the door. Victoria sits in the chair for individuals coming in with significant others or friends while I plop my ass on my stool. For a few minutes, we simply look at one another. There’s no words exchanged or any reason to fill the silence as we get reacquainted with one another.

  “First of all, I have to apologize for everything. The lying, drinking, hiding things from you. When this first started, I thought it was going to be great sex between the two of us and nothing more. At some point, I started having feelings for you. Instead of believing in you, trusting you, I kept my secrets and tried to fight my own battles alone. I went about it the wrong way. Drinking took over my life to the point I couldn’t see anything else. Now, I know to talk about what’s going on with me. Not to hold everything in or keep secrets. You’re part of my support system because I know you have my back. Tags, you’re a man I wasn’t expecting to come into my life. Now, I’m not sure what I’d do without you,” Victoria informs me. “We can’t just jump right back into sex though. If you want to be with me, you have to be prepared to go at my pace.”

  “Vic, I want you more than anythin’ I’ve ever wanted in my life. Not seein’ you these past few weeks has gutted me. I wanted to be there with you, help you, make sure I was doin’ anythin’ you needed to get through the pain, withdrawals, whatever. I’ll go as slow as you want us to as long as I get to be by your side,” I state honestly. “You’re not the only one who started feelin’ shit here. I did too. Why do you think I started pushin’ to claim you in the eyes of the club, to talk to your brothers and let them know what had been goin’ on between us?”

  “I know. I see it clearly now. Before, I think a part of me thought you just wanted to control me. Like Scott did. That’s another thing I have to apologize for. Comparing you to him. It wasn’t right.”

  “Nothin’ to apologize for. You were in a bad place and dealin’ with it the only way you could. I should’ve pushed you harder; gotten you to open up about things sooner,” I say, my eyes closing and head dropping.

  “No. If you had, I would have stopped talking to you; pushed you away in ways you didn’t want to come back. So, it’s going to take some time, but I want you to claim me in the eyes of the club. Yes, I already know what that entails. I’m not ready for that yet. For now, I want to take things slow. Go on dates, hang out, get to know one another the way we should’ve been doing since this started,” she tells me, placing a hand on my head.

  Warmth instantly fills my body with her hands on me. It’s the same reaction I always get from her. Anytime her eyes hit me, her hands are on my body, I feel as if I’m the only man in the universe. I’m lucky enough to get her attention on me even if I don’t deserve it from her. Victoria is stronger than she knows, an angel in disguise who’s had a taste of hell.

  Victoria hugs me to her as I remain sitting on the stool. It’s the most content I’ve been since her brothers helped her get sober. My woman is back in my arms and she wants to make this work between us. Those words from her mean more than she’ll ever know. I’ll spend the rest of my life showing her what they mean though.

  “Now, I’d like to come back to work in two weeks. If that’s okay with you,” she tells me. “I need just a little bit more time to get in my routine going to counselling and AA. The AA meetings are at night. My counselli
ng appointments are at ten in the morning. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Can we make that work?”

  “We’ll make it work,” I tell her. “No matter what you need, we’ll figure it out.”

  “Thank you. One more thing I want to talk to you about,” she says, backing up to sit on the chair once more. “I’ve been thinking about this long and hard. I want a tattoo. You’re the only one I’ll trust to do this one on me.”

  “Okay. What are you thinkin’?”

  “I want a Phoenix on my thigh. The wings to wrap around my leg while flames surround it. It’s representing the hell I’ve been through and building myself back up from the ashes I’ve been surrounded in for a long time now,” she states with determination because my girl knows exactly what she wants.

  “We can do that. Give me a few days to draw it up and I’ll see what you think about it. Sound good?”

  “Yeah. I have to get back to the apartment. Torch will lose his mind if I’m not back soon.”

  “He’s still stayin’ with you?” I question her, more to gauge her reaction to her brother being up in her shit.

  “Yeah. Until we’re sure I won’t relapse he’s with me. He’s tried to get me to move in with him, but I don’t want to. The last time I was at his house, it was barely done and had hardly any furniture in it. Plus, I’ll have to get used to my own space and learning to be alone again. I think this week he’s going to begin easing off of being there so I can truly see what I’m made of,” she tells me.

  “Good. If you need me, I’m a phone call away. You know this.”

  “I do. Thank you. For everything,” she responds, standing up and pulling me in for another hug.

  Before she lets me go, I pull her lips to mine. It’s a soft, gentle kiss neither one of us feels the need to deepen. This is more than enough of us for the time being.

  “Miss you,” I whisper in her hair before letting her go.

  “Miss you, too,” she returns.

  I walk Victoria to the door. As we pass Millie and Trevor she waves and offers them a small smile. Eventually, I know she’ll be having words with them about everything, today isn’t that day though. They watch her leave as she makes the walk back to her apartment. Victoria looks free, even as she scours her surroundings because we still haven’t gotten eyes on her ex. It’s a good look on her.

  “She coming back?” Millie asks.

  “Yeah. Two more weeks she’ll be ready to return.”

  “She looks really good,” Trevor adds in. “Better than when she was here before. Whatever she’s doing is working for her. Glad she got the help she needed.”

  “You knew?” I question, turning to look at both of them.

  “Not the details. Just that something heavy was going on with her,” Millie answers. “I’m also glad she got the help she desperately needed.”

  “Me three. Kaitlyn should be back by now. Wonder what’s keepin’ her,” I muse.

  “She called. Stopped to get us all lunch on her way back from the bank,” Trevor supplies the answer.

  Nodding my head, I walk back in my room and close the door. My thoughts are on Victoria as I pull out a fresh piece of drawing paper to begin designing her tattoo. Using my pencil, I work until Kaitlyn knocks on my door with lunch. It’s tacos with rice and beans today. I’m not sure where she found it since we don’t have a Mexican restaurant in town. Not my problem though as I dig into the amazing food.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Victoria

  UNTIL LAST WEEK, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to face Tags. My brothers are once story because they love me unconditionally. They’ll always be by my side no matter how bad I fuck up. Tags is another story altogether. He could’ve washed his hands of me while I was going through everything. Hired someone to replace me for good. Decided he didn’t want to have any kind of relationship with me at all. Instead, he shocked the shit out of me.

  Tags has agreed to take this at my pace. He’s not going to pressure me for sex or anything. If he agrees to something, I know he’ll stand by his word. Tags is nothing but a loyal, caring man who stands by his word. He’ll die trying to stand by it. I’m not so sure I’ll cave sooner than anticipated.

  Walking in Blazing Ink, I saw how much of a toll my absence is taking on him. For the first time in my life, I saw him without being put together, his beard trimmed, clean clothes on his body. He looked unkempt, haggard, and as if he hasn’t slept in months. It was a reality check I think I needed. To see how much my shit was affecting more than just me. My drinking was affecting those around me who love and care about me.

  Dawn and I have talked extensively about Tags and the relationship I want to have with him. I’ve known in my gut he’ll be there for me and help me through anything life decides to throw at me. I just didn’t trust in it enough after Scott and the shit he put me through. Now, I’m beginning to realize not ever man out there is Scott or will treat me the way he has. Tags is as far from his as one can get. I’m lucky he’s giving me another chance. It’s one I’m not going to take for granted either.

  Torch went in with me for an appointment with Dawn last week. She assured him I’m ready to try living on my own again. While the desire to have a drink is still there, I know not to act on it. The temptation fades a little more every day. It will always be this way though. I’ll have to fight my demons whenever I’m around alcohol and parties. It’s something I’m prepared to work through.

  Torch has agreed to only come over when I have an appointment. So, every other day he shows up at my place to take me to either counselling or AA. While I’ve been in my AA meeting’s he’s been going to Al-Anon meetings. They’re in the same building at the same time. Pyro even goes with him once a week at least. My other brother got back from his trip and was happy to see how much progress I made while he was away. I am too.

  My main fear right now is Scott. Torch has been upfront and honest with me about the situation. They haven’t gotten eyes on him yet. It’s as if he’s vanished into thin air. Satan has my phone so I’m not even sure if he’s even been messaging me still or not. I don’t want the fucking thing back. I’ll get a new one before I ever accept that one again. Scott won’t know my new number either. He doesn’t deserve to have anymore of my time. I’ve already given him too much of my time, body, thoughts, and myself in general.

  Dawn and I have also talked extensively about him. What he put me through, the things he said to me, called me, after I lost our child, and how he was more concerned about himself during a time we should have been leaning on one another. She’s taught me the things he was doing to me up to that point were already showing signs he didn’t truly want to be with me. I was easy for him to control and manipulate into doing what he wanted me to do.

  Every decision made in the relationship I had with Scott were made by him. I’ve now recognized every attempt to make changes, come home to see my family, see friends, or anything else were curtailed by him. I was to be at home when I wasn’t at school. I believe if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, he would have made me quit school even though I was almost done with it. Scott wanted me home while he could go out and do whatever he pleased. It was all about control with him, nothing more.

  Now, I also realize the signs were there of him being in with some shady people. Doing shady things. I’m not sure why he wants me yet. As far as I know there’s nothing I can help him with. I don’t do anything, know anyone, or go anywhere. While thinking about all the red flags, abuse, control, I also know he’s been using drugs for years. He would come home often drunk. When he wasn’t drunk, there were signs of him using some form of drugs. I’m not sure what, and I truly don’t care. It’s no longer my business.

  Today, Torch is busy with something for the club. I have a doctor’s appointment to make sure everything is okay with me. After going through detox and all the sexual acts I had while I was drinking, I want to ensure I’m okay. Especially since Tags and I didn’t use a condom when we had sex almost two months ago. I coul
d have put him in danger without knowing it. That’s not something I ever want to do. This is for my piece of mind as much as his. Not that I plan on having unprotected sex any time soon.

  Another reason I’m here is to talk to my new doctor about getting on birth control. That way if something like that happens again, I’ll know we’re protected. While I’ve begun working on my issues, and I know I want to have children someday, I’m not ready yet. Emotionally or physically I don’t believe I’m ready to go through a pregnancy or give birth. I’ll get there, but it’s going to take time. That’s why I want to take things slow with Tags. If I have babies, I want them to be his babies. No one else will do for me.

  Parking my car, I get out, make sure the doors are locked before heading inside. When I get to the front desk, I give my name and pull out the envelope of cash Torch gave me yesterday. Not only is it for my appointment today, but for me to go get groceries once I’m done here. I’m re-finding my love for cooking and baking. It’s something I always used to do, especially for my brothers. With everything else going on in my life, that love simply got pushed back and forgotten about. Not anymore. I’m done putting other people before my own happiness. I’ll never get lost again. Or change because of who someone else thinks I should be.

  After giving the receptionist my information, paying for the visit, and grabbing the clipboard of paperwork to fill out, I make my way to a chair. While I’m filling out the information, I feel eyes on me. Looking around the room, I see a young woman with an infant car seat sitting in front of her staring at me. She’s got long, shiny, dark hair. I can’t see the color of her eyes from across the room, but she definitely looks familiar. This woman is someone I should know, I simply can’t place my finger on who she is right now.