Our Secrets

by Erin Osborne

  When a man walks in the office, I look up again to see a Blazing Outlaws cut covering his back. He walks over to the woman, presses a kiss against her lips before looking down in the car seat. Once he’s sure his woman and child are okay, he takes a seat and his eyes land on me. A small smile covers his face as the couple continue to look at me.

  “Capone?” I ask, knowing I’ve met him a handful of times.

  “Yeah. Victoria, that really you?” he returns, standing up to walk closer to me.

  “Yeah. Gosh, you must be Hollie. You looked familiar, I just couldn’t figure out from where,” I apologize to her.

  “It’s okay. I wasn’t sure if you’d remember me or not. We only met once, and it was brief. How long have you been in town?” she asks, her voice soft.

  “A few months. Some things have been going on and my brothers were helping me out with a few issues. I’m getting better though,” I respond honestly.

  Dawn has made me see it’s important not to hide my drinking from those who will be in my life. If I’m going to be around someone on a regular basis, I should be comfortable explaining why I don’t drink, or why I’ve been in self-imposed hiding from everyone in Willow Creek.

  “It would be nice to hang out. Get to know you. If you plan on hanging around town,” Hollie says, turning her attention toward the car seat as her little one begins to cry.

  “Yeah. I’d like that,” I respond as the door opens and my name is called. “Capone, it was good to see you again. I’m sure I’ll be around the clubhouse soon.”

  “You too.”

  Following the nurse back in the hallway, she takes my vitals, checks my weight, and sends me into the bathroom so I can leave a sample in the cup for them to test whatever. Once that’s all taken care of, I wash my hands, leave the bathroom, and make my way back out to the waiting nurse. We walk into an exam room where we both take seats. The nurse, Amanda as her name tag says, begins to ask me the million and one questions as she looks over the paperwork.

  “What brings you in today?” she questions, inputting my information into the computer.

  “I’d like a check-up. It’s been a while since I had one. About eight months ago, I had a miscarriage. Since then I’ve been drinking on and off and neglecting the rest of my body. Not eating or properly taking care of myself. It’s been about two months since I’ve last had a drink and I’d simply like to make sure I didn’t do any long-term damage to my body,” I begin. “I’d also like to be checked for any diseases from having possible unprotected sex and get on birth control. I’ve never been on anything, so I’d like to try. Just in case something were to happen.”

  “Okay. Thank you for being honest. Most patients aren’t that honest. We have to drag answers from them,” Amanda replies laughing a little.

  “I’d rather be upfront and honest than play games. Saves everyone some time and effort,” I reply.

  “Okay. I’ll finish putting your information in the computer and the doctor should be in soon. With the sample you left, we’re going to test for pregnancy. Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”

  “Well, I don’t usually have a regular cycle. Never have. I had unprotected sex for sure about two months ago. A little over that,” I inform her.

  “Okay. Once we know if you’re pregnant or not, the doctor can talk to you about birth control. You’ll be seeing Doctor Antwan today. She’s very nice and easy to talk to,” Amanda lets me know before leaving the room.

  While I wait for the doctor to make an appearance, I look around the room. It’s your typical doctor’s office with posters on the wall about different diseases, pamphlets filling a rack on the wall, and a model of some body part. I’m studying the poster about pregnancy and one about injuries to knees and ankles. My eyes keep straying toward the pregnancy poster though I’m trying to keep them glued to the other items in the room.

  The pain doesn’t fill my chest as much as it used to when I see a baby, hear a baby, see a pregnant woman, or anything regarding pregnancy. I used to break out in soul crushing sobs if I caught a glimpse of a baby. Just seeing commercials or posters in an office, would crush me. I’d somewhat control my sobs, but pain would fill me until it consumed me, and I got a drink to dull the ache and memories. I loved my baby so much already even though I wasn’t that far into my pregnancy. Now, I still feel a void. Every day gets a little better than the previous one.

  There’s a soft knock on the door before it slowly opens. A woman with blonde hair walks in with a laptop in her hands. Looking up at me, she smiles as she walks to the counter to set the computer down.

  “Hello. I’m Doctor Antwan. It’s nice to meet you, Miss Steele,” she says, holding her hand out for me to shake.

  “It’s nice to meet you too,” I respond.

  “First of all, we can take care of all the testing here that you want to have done today. I’m glad to see you taking an active approach to make sure you didn’t end up with something. I’m also happy to hear you’ve stopped drinking. There is, however, a problem with you going on birth control. The result from your pregnancy test came back positive,” she informs me.

  For several minutes, I sit in stunned silence. Fear fills my body as I begin to shake, sweat, and my heart feels as if it’s beating out of my chest. Doctor Antwan is in front of me, helping me through the panic attack taking over my body right now. Never did I think I’d walk in here today to learn I was already pregnant. I only wanted a check-up to ensure I was okay. Now, there’s an entire set of new problems to overcome.

  “Are you okay?” she finally asks me.

  “I-I-I think so,” I respond, taking the cup of water she hands me.

  “I take it this wasn’t planned. You know you have options,” she says, looking at me closely.

  “I don’t want an abortion. Or to adopt my child out to a family of strangers. Yes, this wasn’t planned. I wanted to get on birth control as you know. My concern now is I’ve drank and gone through detox since becoming pregnant. The last time I had sex was a little over two months ago. While I didn’t consume a ton of alcohol, I did get drunk for two days in a row. Is my baby going to be okay? Will I have another miscarriage because I wasn’t careful and didn’t realize I was pregnant?” I question her, my fear running rampant through my body.

  “I’m going to refer you to an obstetrician. They’ll be able to do further tests on you, including an ultrasound so you can see what’s going on. If you’re concerned about another miscarriage, they’ll go over all of that with you as well. After looking at your chart from the previous doctor, I don’t see any reason you won’t carry to term with this pregnancy. Let me have a look at you. When you leave here, I’ll send you with a prescription for some prenatal vitamins to start now. If your new doctor wants them changed, they can do so at your next appointment.”

  Nodding my head, I let Doctor Antwan get on with her exam. I’m lost in my head as she checks over everything. When she’s done, she sends me to the lab so I can have a full round of bloodwork drawn. They’ll call me with the results as soon as they have them all back. I’m a nervous wreck as I leave the office with a script in hand for prenatal vitamins.

  Walking out to my car, I forget to check my surroundings. The second I’m inside with the door shut, I place my hands on the steering wheel and just sit there. I’m not filled with pain for the loss of my last pregnancy, I’m worried about not being able to carry this baby to term. Or what damage I’ve done by drinking and going through detox. Depriving my body of important nutrients I’ve needed for the baby to grow.

  Tears begin to spill over as I think of all the repercussions I may be facing. That my child may be facing because I was an idiot. Silently, I berate myself as I sit in my car. I’m in no hurry to leave the parking lot. Right now, I need to get my thoughts under control so my body will calm down. It’s a process Dawn and I have been working on. I use every single thing she taught me as I sit here, not sure what to do now.

  Chapter Eighteen

&nb
sp; Tags

  I’M AT BLAZING Ink, cleaning up after my last appointment when my cell phone begins vibrating on the counter where I left it. Abandoning my mess, I look at the screen to see it’s Torch calling. That’s weird. He’s working at the strip club to set up security cameras. We want to make sure we don’t have a problem with our employees using or selling drugs there. That’s a no go for us.

  “What’s up?” I question, answering my phone.

  “You heard from Vic?” he asks, his voice frantic.

  “No. I was goin’ to call her later because I finished up a tattoo I finished for her,” I reply, my gut tightening as I realize something is going on with her.

  “She went to the doctor’s today. I couldn’t go with her since I’m workin’ on this shit before anyone starts arrivin’ for work. I thought she’d be done by now and have called over and over again to ask about dinner. She was supposed to go shoppin’ after her appointment. Pyro couldn’t go since he just got back in town and needs to go over a few things for the run comin’ up,” he informs me as I hear shit hitting a table in the background. “I’m gonna abandoned this shit and go find her. Satan will have to understand.”

  “Stay there. I’ve got her. I’m done for the day anyway,” I let him know, forgetting my mess as I walk into the front of the shop. “I’ll let you know as soon as I find her. Text me the name of her doctor so I can head there first.”

  Hanging up the phone, I let Millie and Kaitlyn know I’ll be gone for the day. Millie lets me know she’ll clean up my mess and sterilize the room for me. Thanking her, I race from my shop and head directly for my bike out back. Once I’m on and have the doctor’s office address, I take off like a bat out of hell. I have to find her and make sure she’s okay.

  It takes me about fifteen minutes to get to her doctor. I’m familiar with the place because Hollie and Raine also come here. I’ve been here once or twice with them when different shit has been going on. Slowing my speed, I cruise through the parking lot looking for her car. I finally spot it, parked in a corner of the lot on the opposite side I entered from.

  Pulling my bike into the spot next to hers, I see her sitting in the car, hands on the steering wheel and taking deep breaths. Tear stains fill her pale skin as I climb off my bike and make my way to the passenger side door. I’m hoping it’s unlocked as I reach out and pull the handle. Thankfully it is. Victoria turns her head to face me and my heart shatters. Tears fill her eyes once more as she visibly crumbles in front of me.

  “Don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me, Tags,” she pleads with me.

  “Why would I hate you, sweetheart?” I question her, sliding over as close as possible to her so I can wrap my arms around her.

  “I went in to get checked out. Make sure everything was okay with me and I didn’t have anything from when I was having sex and drinking. I didn’t want to start anything with you if I had something. It would’ve been too late since we already had sex. I also wanted to get on birth control. You know, in case we forget it again when we get back to that point,” she cries out. “I can’t get on birth control though. I’m pregnant.”

  The last part of her sentence is whispered. It takes a few minutes for me to realize what I’m hearing from her. Victoria is having my baby. Our baby. After knowing what she’s been through in the past, my heart breaks again. I’m not sure if she even wants kids after going through a miscarriage.

  “Baby, I could never hate you. You tell me what you want to do now,” I state, pulling back to look at her.

  “I want this baby. I’ll raise him or her alone if I have to,” she vows, her voice getting stronger as she informs me of her decision.

  “You’re not gonna be raisin’ this baby alone. I’m here with you. We agreed to take this slow and make it work earlier and I meant it. Why haven’t you answered your phone? Torch has been callin’ you nonstop for a while now,” I ask her.

  “I got lost in my head and was trying to calm down like Dawn taught me. My phone is in my bag and I didn’t hear it,” she replies, her apology evident in her voice. “I didn’t mean to scare him. Or make him think I was out drinking again.”

  “Baby, that’s not what his thoughts were. He knows, we all know, how hard you’ve been workin’ to stop that. I may not have been there, but I’ve been checkin’ on you with Torch. His concern was you not answerin’ your phone and somethin’ bad happenin’ to you. Someone should’ve been on you here and I’m not sure why no one was,” I state, letting her know we don’t think she’d go out drinking now.

  “Tags, what if I hurt our baby? I had some drinks and then went through detox because I didn’t know I was pregnant. I would’ve had to go through detox anyway because I won’t drink while pregnant. I’m already in love with our little peanut,” she says, her voice wavering in concern and fear.

  “We’ll figure it all out, baby. If anythin’ is wrong, we’ll deal with it. Together. You tell me what you want to do and we’ll do it. With us, the baby, and your brothers.”

  “I don’t want anyone to know until I see a doctor. Then, we’ll figure the rest out. Is that okay?” she questions me.

  “Absolutely. Now, what were you gonna do after your appointment?”

  “I have to take my script to get prenatal vitamins to start now. Then Torch gave me money to get groceries. I’ve been cooking again and have run out of food,” she responds, wiping her tears away.

  “Okay. I’ll follow you to the pharmacy and store. Unless you want to use the one in the store. Then we’ll go back to your apartment and I’ll hang out if you don’t mind. It’s been a minute since I last had a meal you cooked.”

  “I’d like that.”

  Giving her a soft kiss, I wipe her face clear of the tears she let slip free. After that’s taken care of, I tell her to call Torch and let him know she’s okay. It will go better with him hearing her voice instead of me messaging or calling him. I know how he feels when it comes to his baby sister. Pyro too. They’re both overprotective of her. I would be too.

  My thoughts drift to the baby she’s carrying. If we have a girl, I’m in deep shit. She’ll be gorgeous just like her mother and I’ll have to beat the fucking guys away from here. Torch, Pyro, and myself will be out buying stock in guns, ammo, knives, and anything else we decide we need for any little boys who think they bring their little dicks around her. Not gonna happen. Ever.

  If we have a boy, we’re so fucked. I may not now, but I used to cause a lot of shit. When things would get bad with my mom, I’d rebel. Stay out all night, get into fights, not go to school, anything my little mind could think of to cause trouble. It was my way of acting out. Trying to get my mom to see how much damage she was doing to herself and me. It didn’t work because she never cared about the shit I got up to. My son will be hell on wheels, and I know this already. Poor Vic. She’s going to go insane from his crazy antics. I guess no matter what we end up with, we’re both screwed.

  After spending the day with Victoria, I realize how fun she is and how far she’s really come since detoxing. She’s funny, sassy, full of spirit. Yes, she’s still in her head to a point about the baby and possible side effects from her drinking and detox. I talk to her as much as possible to keep her out of it though.

  “Do you want to call Dawn?” I ask her after we’ve been at her apartment for a while. “Torch should be here and maybe it would help. Unless you want him to know tonight.”

  “No. I see her tomorrow and I plan on talking to her about it. I can get him off my back. I’ll just say I’m nervous about waiting on my test results. Which I am. I mean, it’s just one more thing to worry about being pregnant now. I don’t want to hurt our baby. Ever.”

  “Okay. You let me know what you want and need. I’ll do my best to make it happen. I don’t care what it is. Torch said you got a new phone?” I ask her, knowing I want her number.

  “Yeah. I’ll give you the number. I just haven’t been able to keep any of my contacts since someone still has my phone. I’m not ev
en sure who has it at this point,” she says, not concerned in the least she can’t contact anyone from her past life.

  “Here, give me your number and I’ll call you, so you have my number too,” I say, pulling my phone out. “You’re goin’ to call the doctor tomorrow and make an appointment?”

  “Yeah. Any days you can’t be there? If you want to go that is,” she rushes out as I make out the sounds of a bike pulling in her parking lot below.

  “I’m good with whatever. Of course, I’m goin’ to be there. Not lettin’ you go through this alone. Unless I’m on a run I’ll be there,” I respond.

  Victoria sends me a message and I call her phone back so she can save my number. We’re laughing when Torch enters her apartment because she put me in her phone as BD - Baby Daddy. He looks at us questioningly but doesn’t say a word about it as he heads to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of water.

  “You good?” he asks, kissing the top of her head. “It smells fuckin’ amazin’ in here.”

  “I’m good. Sorry again about earlier. I’m just worried about my tests. They should be back soon. Then I can get out of my head,” she replies, putting her arm around her brother’s waist. “I’ll tell you now, I didn’t even think of getting a drink though. I was sitting in my car, going through the exercises Dawn has been working with me on.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. Is Pyro comin’ tonight?” he asks her.

  “No. He’s stayin’ at the clubhouse. You know how he is when he gets home from a visit. It takes him a week or so to get back to normal. Well, his new normal anyway. My shit has taken it’s toll on him so I’m sure it will be a little longer this time,” she states, sadness creeping into her voice for her brother.

  “He’ll be okay. I’m gonna talk to him soon about this shit. Just need to find time to do it,” Torch lets her know.