Toxic

by Avylinn Winter

  The dull throb from the wounds on my hands and the bruised eyebrow bothered me, but it wasn’t more than I could handle. The guilt was far heavier to bear, but we would get through this—we would become stronger.

  Mom had told me something a few years ago that fit well to our current situation. True love conquered every little spat and every major blow. Considering that she’d spent thirty years with Dad, I guessed that her wisdom should count for something.

  Gabriel stirred behind me, showing the first signs of being awake. I peeked over my shoulder.

  “Hey.”

  He blinked, and his eyes widened as he studied my bruise. “Shit. I’m sorry, Adam. I don’t deserve you.”

  I turned in his arms and placed my bare chest against his. “We’ll get through this.” I said it both for myself and for him.

  Gabriel pressed a soft kiss on my lips. “You should probably stay here for the day. People will wonder what happened to you.”

  “I can tell them that I was attacked by someone. It’s no big deal.” I knew I should have been more concerned about being hit, but the situation had been tense for a lot of reasons. I had to take responsibility as well. As long as it never happens again.

  He didn’t appear convinced, but he remained silent. Instead, he raked his fingers through my hair, kneading my scalp with his tender touch. I almost felt like a purring cat as I pressed closer to his hand.

  A few minutes later, Gabriel’s alarm went off with a shrill sound. He scrambled out of bed, retrieved his discarded jeans from the floor and got out his phone.

  I sat up and pulled the sheet around me. ”You got a new phone then?”

  “What?” Confusion furrowed his brow. “Yeah, I got it yesterday.”

  “Same model?”

  “Yeah. I like it, and I got it cheap. It’s a used one.”

  I let out a soft chuckle. “Who knows? Maybe it’s your old one. Bet they sold it as soon as they could.”

  Gabriel smiled. “Maybe, but I doubt it. Got it from some chick in my class. She looks like someone who gets a new phone from Daddy every other month.”

  “Maybe,” I said. The normalcy was soothing, and another sign that we would find a way to make this work despite the situation and the long journey ahead of us. It would take time before we could leave the closet as a couple.

  Gabriel turned his back on me and opened his drawers, picking out a black T-shirt and another pair of dark blue jeans. I rarely saw him in anything else beneath his signature leather jacket. I liked the style, but it looked better on him than it did on me. My wardrobe held a couple more colors in it, and not only jeans.

  “What time is it?” I asked, hoping I wouldn’t be late for class.

  “Seven a.m., but I have to run. Are you staying in my room today? I can leave a key.”

  A warm, fuzzy feeling spread inside my chest. Gabriel offering me a key was a big step forward. It was almost enough of an incentive to take the day off and hang around in his room. I could slack and no one would know.

  “Maybe I’ll stay. I only have one class this morning, and they won’t miss me.”

  Gabriel approached the bed and nudged me to lie down again. He smiled and put a key on the nightstand. “Then sleep in. You look like you need it. I can get us some lunch around noon and meet up with you here.”

  His kindness reminded me of the old Gabriel. “Thank you.”

  He drew a gentle finger across my cheek before turning to leave. As the door closed, I breathed in slowly, ready to let go of the pain. We were on the right track and had made it out of the fuck-load of crap that had happened yesterday. Every step we took from now on should be in this direction.

  Touching the tender area around my eye, I braved a smile. The punch had been the terrible pinnacle of a fight we had allowed to get out of hand. If we worked on our communication, and if I kept away from Cameron, we would never end up in the same situation again.

  We had to respect each other, and that included the inconvenience of having to keep our relationship quiet until he was ready to share it with the world. I knew it was just a matter of time. Gabriel had never bowed to others’ opinions before and it was my job to make him remember that. I had to take it slow, however. Pushing him would be counter-productive.

  I thought of our teenage years, trying to remember if his parents had showed any indication of homophobia. They were hard-core Christians. Also, Gabriel was their only child, so I could assume that they wouldn’t be thrilled about the idea of never getting grandchildren. They’d never said anything out loud, but my bet was that they might react quite badly to the news. On the other hand, they had always liked me. Surely that had to count for something.

  A faint ringtone disrupted my reverie. I sighed from my spot on the bed but rose and found my phone in my discarded jacket.

  “Hi, Chris,” I said.

  “Hi. Where are you? Thought you would be back by now.”

  I chuckled. “You sound like a concerned mother hen.”

  “That I do, but you’ve been gone the entire weekend. I want to hear about Chicago and your hot teacher. We’re supposed to be friends, after all.” He tried to sound mildly annoyed but missed the mark.

  “I won’t tell you a thing.”

  “That’s so unfair,” he whined.

  I hated that I couldn’t tell him, and this banter only made things worse. If I said anything about Cameron, Chris would interpret it in his own way and that could end in a disaster.

  “I’m sorry, Chris. I actually can’t tell you.”

  “Why?” He sounded affronted.

  I fumbled for a viable explanation but came up short.

  “I’ll talk to you later. I gotta run to class.” It was an awful lie, but I had to say something.

  “Okay, we’ll talk later.” He was annoyed for real this time, and he had every reason to be.

  The call disconnected and my smile faltered. I didn’t want to lie to Chris. Perhaps Gabriel could make an exception so I could tell my roommate at least. It isn’t too much to ask, right?

  I fell back against the pillow, trying to find the same relaxed position as before. It proved difficult, especially as I wondered what Cameron would think of my absence from class today. He would notice, but he might understand if I was tired after my odd behavior yesterday. Besides, it was probably a good idea to put some distance between us.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Over the course of four fantastic weeks, my bruises had faded, my spirit had lifted and any lingering worry over our relationship had disintegrated. I had spent almost all my free time with Gabriel, and he had made sure that I had more than enough reasons to forgive him for crossing the line. Other aspects of my life had changed as well. Even if it had been a difficult decision, I didn’t regret putting my assistantship with Cameron on hold. It was the better choice, both for my sanity and Gabriel’s. Ever since that day, Gabriel had acted more like his old self and less like the jealous partner. I missed helping Cameron in his studio but I told myself that it was only a temporary pause while Gabriel and I cemented our relationship. It was good to stay away from the questions as well. Cameron had noticed the bruise even though I’d tried my best to cover it up. I wasn’t sure he had bought my explanation for it.

  The only change that weighed on my heart was the faltering friendship with Chris. More time with Gabriel meant less time with my roommate. It was also difficult to maintain a carefree attitude around him when I still wasn’t allowed to talk about my boyfriend. Our conversations grew stilted, and while we still laughed together, those laughs carried a strained tone.

  I knew better than to raise the issue with Gabriel, though. When I mentioned Chris, he always sighed and told me that he wasn’t ready yet. I had to wait, but I could be patient. Or rather, I had to be patient.

  Gabriel nuzzled my neck. “You awake?”

  “Yes. Didn’t want to wake you up.”

  “What time is it?” he asked.

  “Time for class, I think.” I checke
d my phone, letting out a tired sigh as I saw a message from Chris rolling across the screen. He was definitely upset. We had talked about watching a movie in our room last night, but Gabriel had called and asked me to have dinner with him. We usually ate at a place far away from campus where no one would recognize us, but for the first time he had hinted that we might try something a bit closer. Excited, I had tried to explain to Chris why I had to take a raincheck.

  “Adam?”

  My thoughts dispersed at the sound of Gabriel’s voice. I loved his voice. It was deep and oozed sex appeal.

  “Sorry, I zoned out.”

  Gabriel nibbled my ear lobe. “So, what time is it really? Are we in a hurry?”

  I chuckled at his obvious intent to delay our morning. “No time.” I turned in his arms to give him a lingering kiss.

  “You don’t sound sorry at all,” he said, biting into my lower lip.

  “Of course I’m sad. But you wouldn’t want to wear me out, right?” I smiled.

  “Impossible.”

  I laughed a full belly laugh and squirmed out of his hold. “I have to get to class. I’ve missed too many.”

  “Always the ambitious one.” Gabriel shook his head.

  * * * *

  Students filled the lecture hall, each voice adding another note to the cacophony. I sat in the middle of a row, leaning back and watching the show on display around me. I wasn’t interacting with anyone, but I was fine with that. Perhaps I should have been worried about the fact that I hadn’t gotten any new friends lately—something that usually happened after a few weeks of classes. But, in order to get new friends, you had to spend time with them. More worrying was the fact that I was losing contact with the friends I had.

  Cameron walked into class carrying his usual briefcase. I smiled as I saw him drop his keys into it, wondering if he would remember that later or if he would look through all his pockets first.

  I did miss him, but I knew that Gabriel had been too right about our relationship. If not for Gabriel, I would have considered flirting with Cameron, even if I knew it was wrong to date a teacher.

  “Good morning, everyone. The results from your last assignment are available online. Many of you did well.”

  His gaze swept over me, stalling for a brief moment before he moved on. Since I’d paused the assistantship, he had treated me well, but also a bit more like all the other students.

  Cameron’s calming voice settled me into my seat, and from there I listened to the rest of the lesson with just the right amount of focus. Unlike one month ago, I wasn’t constantly thinking about all the issues around me.

  Time moved swiftly, and after what felt like half an hour, but what must have been at least fifty minutes, Cameron dismissed the class. I shut my notebook and tucked it into my bag, not in a hurry as others had to move through the row of chairs until I could get out.

  The chatter around me sounded like utter nonsense, until someone called my name.

  I looked up and saw Cameron waving at me to come up front.

  “Hi, Mr. McCain.”

  Cameron sighed. “When did I become Mr. McCain? Thought I’d already told you that it makes me sound old.”

  “Sorry.” It felt awkward to talk like this. The artificial rift between us grew wider every day.

  “I think you’ve paused enough, Adam. I need your help in the studio.” He sounded serious and my stomach tightened with unease. Our arrangement included a clause where I would continue at some point. Gabriel didn’t know about it, but I hadn’t been able to quench the hope of making it work.

  “I’m not…”

  “I’ll have to ask someone else if you can’t.” His usually kind eyes were tired. The realization made me worried.

  “Are you okay?”

  Cameron bristled. “Yes.” It was a short answer in a tone that told me that it wasn’t my business.

  “Can I get until tomorrow to decide?” I had to talk to Gabriel about it. This time I would make him understand that this was important to me. Photography was my passion, my calling. If Gabriel had football practice almost every night, then I should be able to pursue my passion as well.

  Cameron shrugged. “You don’t seem very interested, which is unfortunate. I really think you have talent, Adam. It would be sad to waste that.”

  “I do want this.”

  His eyes flashed. “Then what’s the problem?”

  I was surprised at his obvious frustration. It wasn’t like Cameron to express himself that way. He was usually upbeat and carefree.

  “There’s no problem. I just have to check something.”

  “Fine. You have until tomorrow.”

  He was still annoyed, and it hurt me that I caused that. I knew it would have been a different story if I could be upfront about what was going on, but I couldn’t explain that my boyfriend disliked our relationship—or that I was slightly nervous about it as well. The other option was to come up with some sort of lie, but it was hard enough to keep track of my lies to Chris. I hated my lack of honesty, but it was that or lying to Gabriel.

  A hand landed on my shoulder. “Are you all right, Adam?”

  I looked up and saw worry rather than irritation. My swirling thoughts must have been mirrored on my face.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry. Let’s talk tomorrow. I really want this, I promise.”

  He shook his head as if he didn’t really believe me, but instead of saying anything, I backed away and fled toward the door. I had to find a way to fix this.

  * * * *

  I settled onto the bed in Gabriel’s room, waiting for my boyfriend to arrive for his surprise. I had prepared a little romantic picnic for two on the floor, hoping that my effort would grant me a chance to persuade him that I could keep both my job and him.

  The handle rattled and tingles shot through my body in anticipation.

  “Hey,” I said as he entered.

  “Hey. What’s this?” He grinned when he saw the lit candles, the bottle of wine and the boxes of takeout.

  “Thought I’d spoil you a bit.”

  He threw his jacket on the chair and sat beside me. Soft lips landed on mine. “This looks great, baby. Thank you.”

  I smiled and reached over to my bag, fetching something from inside that I knew would make him even happier.

  “You bought Cheetos?” The grin on his face was worth everything.

  “Yes.”

  “You know all my bad habits.”

  “I do. But we should eat first. I’m starved.”

  Gabriel laughed. “Starved for what?”

  I elbowed his side. “For food, you pervert.”

  “Only food?”

  I blushed and gave him a kiss. “Maybe not only food.”

  “Good.”

  We ate seated on the floor, sharing bites of food with each other from the two different Italian dishes. It was dreamy, and I hoped I wouldn’t ruin the atmosphere with my question. Considering how great we’d been together for the last month, I felt certain that we were ready to deal with this.

  With every bite, the food dwindled, and so did time. I had decided that I would tell him while we were eating, or at least before we settled into bed, but despite my newfound confidence it became increasingly difficult to form the words I wanted to say.

  “So what did you do today?” Gabriel asked.

  This was my moment. I pressed my palms to the floor, trying to steel myself for the response. “I talked to Cameron.”

  Gabriel’s expression darkened in the blink of an eye. “Why?”

  I scraped my nails against the linoleum, searching for a grip where none could be found. “He asked me to continue.” I waited for Gabriel to say something, but his lips were sealed shut, showing his obvious displeasure. “Please, Gabe. I really want this to work. It’s important, and you have absolutely nothing to worry about.” I tried to take his hand in mine, but he moved it from my reach.

  “No.”

  “Why don’t you trust me?” Hadn’t I showed h
im again and again how I felt and how much he meant to me? Cameron had been a fleeting ember that had died as fast as it had formed.

  “It’s not you, Adam. It’s him.”

  My shoulders tensed. “He’s a teacher. He wouldn’t attempt anything. Besides, he’s a great guy. He would never do something like that when he knows I have a partner.”

  “He knows about me?”

  I paled. The anger in his voice sent a chill down my spine, a chill that curled in my stomach and allowed less than pleasant memories to surface. I could almost feel my eyebrow pulse with the memory of his fist. But we had moved beyond that. We had found a way forward and I didn’t want to look back, not even for a second.

  Swallowing past the fear lodged in my throat, I sat up straight. “He doesn’t know the specifics.”

  “No.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “No, I won’t allow this, Adam. I’ve seen how he looks at you.”

  “You’re wrong.” He was wrong.

  “Am I?” The air appeared to vibrate with strain.

  I fought to inhale the next breath. “Please, Gabriel. Please…”

  I watched him like a deer caught in head lights as the anger built. It pulsed from his entire body, vibrant and terrifying. Panic struck before his fist, harsh and brutal with no room for negotiation. I fell, curling into a ball and regretted ever bringing it up. Not again. Please.

  His hands found my shoulders, shaking me roughly until my head ached from crashing into the floor again and again.

  I begged for him to stop, hoping I would reach through the haze of anger that had taken my boyfriend away and replaced him with a monster I didn’t know.

  Chapter Fifteen

  My body was hurting, but it was nothing compared to the ache of my broken heart.

  Gabriel sat by my side, stroking my hair and expressing how sorry he was. He never meant for this to happen. He loved me. I was everything to him. But also that I knew how he viewed Cameron. I should know better than to question him again.