Toxic

by Avylinn Winter

  His words washed over me, not fully penetrating the thick fog that surrounded me. All I knew was that his apology sparked deeper fears. Will this happen again? Is he being honest?

  After the first time, I thought we had moved past violence. I had trusted him to never harm me again, but trying my hardest to please him hadn’t been enough.

  Tears fell to the floor, tears for myself but most of all for him.

  I blinked, feeling dizzy and slightly nauseated. The fog refused to give way even though I tried to reach through to Gabriel on the other side.

  “Adam, are you all right? I’m so sorry, baby. You know I don’t want to hurt you like this.”

  Careful touches grazed tender spots on my scalp—they were meant to soothe and comfort, but all I wanted was to lick my wounds in peace. I leaned away.

  “Don’t be that way, baby. You have to forgive me. I’m so sorry.” He roamed my body, carefully stripping me of the protective shell I’d tried to erect around me. I didn’t want his hands on me. Not now.

  Words tried to form in my head, but the sounds leaving me had nothing in common with them. I couldn’t talk.

  “Answer me, Adam.” His voice became clearer every time he spoke. Perhaps the fog was finally lifting.

  “Y-yes.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to explore what the nausea meant. My head ached after the repeated impacts with the floor. Each hit hadn’t been too hard, but perhaps it had been enough to give me concussion. I wasn’t sure, but it felt like something was wrong.

  “You have to stay awake for a bit, baby. Don’t fall asleep on me.”

  My eyelids were heavy, but I knew he was right. At least I could try until he called the hospital.

  Gabriel didn’t leave my side. He sat by me, carding his fingers through my hair while constantly making sure I was awake. I had no concept of time, seconds blurred into minutes…into hours, but I kept hoping that someone was on their way.

  * * * *

  I woke up with a throbbing headache, closing my eyes to the piercing light filtering through the blinds. Gabriel lay curled around my back, still as if he had passed out from exhaustion. He must have stayed up by my side until he could no longer keep either me or himself awake.

  Wincing, I tried to sit up. The world spun on its axis, but I fought to remain steady. My parched throat and full bladder begged me to move even as my head protested. I threw a glance over my shoulder, feeling guilty at the sight of Gabriel’s harrowed expression. Objectively, I knew that it wasn’t my fault that he had stayed up too long, but I still felt bad. Something was wrong, and I wanted to fix it. I wanted to fix him.

  I made my way to his tiny bathroom, walking on unsteady feet that barely carried me. The image in the mirror had me looking in the other direction. I didn’t want to see the mark of his fist displayed across my face. Not again.

  As I began to strip out of my clothes to get into a much-needed shower, my phone rang. Cursing the soft signal, I wobbled out of the bathroom to fetch it as fast as possible. I didn’t want Gabriel to wake up and see me like this.

  I pressed answer without seeing the name on the display.

  “Hi.” My voice came out as a whisper, dry and feeble.

  “Adam, I’m a bit tired of not seeing you in class. What’s going on?” Cameron’s reproach had caught me at the worst of moments. I wasn’t ready to deal with his disappointment.

  “Nothing.”

  “I don’t believe you. You don’t sound well. Are you in your room?”

  “No…” I replied, feeling horrible as Cameron’s worry fed my anxiety.

  “Will you at least come to the studio this afternoon?”

  I took a deep breath, preparing for the inevitable failure. “I can’t.”

  “Why not, Adam? What is it that you’re not telling me?”

  I wanted to bite back that he had no reason to pry. What I did with my life didn’t concern him, but the words lodged in my throat.

  “Look. It’s none of my business, but I’m worried about you, Adam. Something is wrong, and I won’t sit back and regret it later. I have a vague guess where you are, and I’m sorry, but I’m outside your building. I’m coming in.”

  The call ended as I slid along the concrete until I sat on the floor. Gabriel stirred where he lay, blinking his eyes open. I feared what might happen, but I had to believe that Cameron was on his way to my room, not Gabriel’s.

  Gabriel yawned, stretching his limbs one by one until his eyes became focused. “What are you doing over there, babe?”

  I wanted to ask him not to call me babe or baby, not when I was still in turmoil after what had happened, but I remained silent. Stirring up more arguments would be a bad start to our day.

  “Come here.” He motioned for me to climb into his arms.

  I stared at him, trying to wade through the dizziness.

  A sharp knock disturbed the odd atmosphere.

  “Did you call anyone?” Gabriel accused, his voice changing from soft to cold in an instant.

  I swallowed, trembling as my boyfriend rose to his full height. “Did you?”

  “N-No.” I hadn’t. Cameron had called me, but it couldn’t be him. If it was, I would be in a world of trouble.

  Gabriel ran a hand through his ruffled tresses and straightened his clothes. The knock sounded again before he reached the door.

  A cool draft breezed past as he opened it enough to speak. “What are you doing here?” Gabriel said, moving to stand in the way to prevent me from seeing who was on the other side.

  “Can I come in for a bit?”

  Fear coursed through me at the sound of Cameron’s voice. He shouldn’t be here. He couldn’t be here. It was all wrong. If he saw me like this I would have to come up with yet another lie.

  Gabriel straightened his back. “It’s a mess, and I have to get to class. Why are you here, anyway?”

  “I’m looking for Adam.”

  “He’s not here.”

  “I would like to make sure.” The decisive tone was new. I hadn’t heard it in Cameron’s voice before. He was on a mission. Too bad I didn’t want to be in range of said mission. It would only mean complications for both of us. It wasn’t his place to interfere.

  “You don’t have the right to search my room.”

  “Why are you being defensive?” Cameron asked, and I knew the game was lost. Cameron was determined to find me, and the only way to stop a disaster would be to stand up and defend my boyfriend with lies.

  “Gabe. It’s fine,” I said, hoping he would understand what I was trying to do. Based on the fiery anger clearly boiling beneath the surface, he was less than pleased with my interruption.

  Cameron pushed past Gabriel despite their difference in size. He kneeled and touched my forehead as if a fever was my likely affliction. I shook my head at the nonsense, but that only worsened the dizziness that hovered around me.

  “Stop, Cameron. I’m fine.” I tried to wave him away, but he wasn’t having it.

  “I’m taking you to the hospital.”

  “We’ve already been there. It’s just a mild concussion,” Gabriel said from behind.

  A surge of nausea followed his words. Why is he lying?

  “You were there and they let him home like this?” There was a strange undertone in Cameron’s voice that I didn’t understand.

  “Yes, they did. It’s nothing serious,” Gabriel replied.

  Cameron glanced at me. “Well, I’m taking you for a second opinion then. Can you stand?”

  “This is none of your business.” Gabriel’s anger was on its way to the surface and I knew I had to deflect the situation before it got out of hand.

  “Cameron. I’m fine. Just leave and I’ll call later.” Please, I added silently.

  His deep amber eyes searched mine, but his certainty never wavered. “You’re not fine and I’m not leaving you here.”

  With strength I didn’t know he possessed, he lif
ted me into his arms and carried me toward the door. Circling my arms around his shoulders, I hid my face from the confusing world and hoped that nothing would happen while Gabriel’s curses rang in the background. I knew I should have fought to remain, but some part of me also wanted a chance to recuperate in peace.

  The door slammed shut behind us, causing tears to fall from my tired eyes onto Cameron’s flannel shirt.

  “You’ll be okay, Adam. Don’t worry.”

  I wasn’t sure what he meant because the fog was back, enveloping me in a strange sense of calm—a place where nothing really existed, where nothing mattered. There was pain, but a silent pain instead of that screaming ache that tore my heart into shreds.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The reality of my situation caught up with me as Cameron carried me outside. The chill blasted my bare arms and legs with persistent glee. Dressed in nothing but my T-shirt and boxers, I felt as exposed as I had last night when Gabriel had touched my skin.

  “Let me down.” I had to get back inside. Gabriel wouldn’t understand. He would get mad, and I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I just needed a break from him, but not with Cameron. Never Cameron. Gabriel would hate me.

  “Please don’t struggle, Adam.” Cameron’s words had the opposite effect.

  Finding my remaining strength, I tried to break free from his hold. If I lost, I would lose my boyfriend. He needed my help, I knew that. It was clear in the shadowed depths of his eyes, so why couldn’t Cameron see? Why can’t he understand?

  “Adam, you’re hurt. We’re going to a doctor, please just stay calm.” He sounded desperate, as if he cared about me.

  Taking a deep breath, I relaxed in Cameron’s embrace. We remained close to the apartment building, but even the short distance was enough to let the cold seep into my bones. Cameron trudged on, and when his car became visible, I forgot my thoughts of struggle altogether. I needed to get inside that car and turn on the heating.

  My bare feet touched the icy ground as Cameron let me down.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t get your stuff, but your boyfriend scares the hell out of me.”

  I didn’t reply. What could I say? Was I scared of Gabriel? I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that something was seriously wrong. Gabriel had never laid a finger on me while we’d been friends. He had used his fists on others from time to time, but I’d usually stayed far away from those fights when we had been younger. He had been protecting me, or that was what he had said, at least. Now I wasn’t as sure about that.

  Cameron shook his head and opened the car, motioning for me to get in. Warmth lingered inside, but it wasn’t enough to dampen the shivers traveling along my skin. It shouldn’t have been this cold in March.

  “Thank you.” I wasn’t sure he had heard me as he shut the door. I felt bad about the entire situation. I felt bad about needing to be rescued, I felt bad about having to lie, and I felt terrible about leaving Gabriel like that.

  Cameron sat in the driver’s seat, fastening his seatbelt with tense jerks. He was angry. I couldn’t handle more of that emotion. Not today.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He looked at me. The anger melted away right in front of me, replaced by pity pooling in his eyes—eyes that I had once described as mesmerizing. I couldn’t do that now. I had no right.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said.

  The clipped tone chipped at my emotions. Was he disappointed? I tried to read what I could from his posture and the worried lines marring his face, but I got lost in the amber irises that expressed something I couldn’t decipher.

  He seemed to be waiting for me to respond, but I had nothing to say. Nothing worth saying.

  “Do you want me to get you some clothes before we go to the hospital?”

  I stared down at the goosebumps littering my bare arms and legs as he started the car and turned on the heater. Clothes. He had a point.

  “And a shower?” I added. I don’t know why I asked. It was a weird question. I wasn’t even sure where we were going. Some part of me thought that we would head up to my room, but I also knew that it was unlikely since Cameron seemed set on driving.

  “I don’t think we have time for a shower. But we’ll head to my place. It’s on the way, and I’ll call the hospital. Hopefully they’ll see you immediately.” His voice was softer, making me wonder what had caused the change. A brief glance in his direction when he turned right at an intersection left me without an answer. His face was a mask—firmer than I had ever seen it before.

  I stared out of the window while we drove away from campus toward the city center, trying to shut out the slow, thumping headache that refused to leave me alone. Cameron had never told me where he lived, so I was surprised when the car stopped outside a tiny house hidden between two larger ones. It looked like it had stood there for countless years until other houses had encroached on its surroundings.

  Cameron tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “I can fetch a pair of shoes if you wait in the car. There’s no need to walk barefoot.”

  I tried a smile but it didn’t hold. “Thanks.”

  He rushed out and more or less slammed the door shut, filling the car with a gust of cold air. I shivered and crossed my arms to keep what little warmth I could.

  Closing my eyes to fight the pain, my thoughts returned to Gabriel. He needed help, but I had no idea where to start. The agony he must be dealing with for it to transform him entirely… It was terrifying. Cameron was right, but not entirely. What scared me was that I didn’t know what lay behind it all. The root of the problem had to be worse than its manifestation. It had to be, otherwise nothing made sense. I needed it to make sense. I had to understand.

  The door opened, sending yet another chill through the car. “Here you go.” Cameron held out a pair of shoes and a coat. It was his coat, I realized. He stood in the cold with nothing but his shirt. Feeling bad, I hurried with the shoes but wanted to curse the laces when my fingers refused to cooperate.

  Cameron crouched and helped me without a word. I didn’t know how to feel about it, or anything for that matter. His kindness somehow frightened me as well. Gabriel’s voice resonated in the back of my mind. Could Cameron have feelings for me? Had he removed me from Gabriel because he cared about me in a way that he shouldn’t? My stomach tightened. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want his help when I wasn’t the one who needed to be saved, but at the same time, I had no intention of thanking him by being ungrateful.

  He held out his hand to help me up, but I left it ignored. I couldn’t afford to lead him on if there was a possibility that he was waiting for the right sign. Nothing was allowed to happen.

  He seemed to sense my reluctance and took a step back. My gut tightened again, but it was merely uncomfortable compared to my numbing headache.

  We walked side by side without another word, two estranged friends—or had we been friends? I wasn’t sure. It was sad either way, but it couldn’t be helped.

  Entering the house was like stepping into Cameron’s person. Photos littered the walls, but there was a strange order to the chaos. He had a plan with those photos, and the overall atmosphere left me feeling welcome. This was Cameron and I liked him.

  Another sad smile touched my chafed lips. I liked him, which was why it was even harder to keep him at a distance.

  “How are you feeling?”

  I tensed at the words, spoken too close to my ear. In another situation, it may not have been too close, but I needed space—more space than ever before.

  “I’m good. But I really need a shower.” I was desperate for one. “Please…”

  Cameron sighed. “All right. I’ll get you a towel and some clothes. The bathroom is in there. He skirted past me and pointed at the first door to the left.

  “Thank you.” My feet moved of their own accord, taking me closer to the door and farther away from him. The floorboards creaked beneath my hesitant steps, whining with a sad lament that echoed in my strangely hollow heart. St
ifling a wave of self-pity, I let my foot land on gleaming tiles and shut the door.

  Not wanting to meet my reflection in the mirror, I got out of my remaining clothes and hid behind the dark blue shower curtain. When the water finally warmed, I placed myself beneath the rain and tried to shut off every darn thought that pestered me over and over again.

  Cameron’s muted voice reached me from the hallway. “I’m placing everything outside.”

  I’d totally forgotten about the towel. Stupid.

  Feeling miserable, I turned the tap until the water wouldn’t get any hotter. It stung against my skin, but it was a strange solace. My head seemed to become clearer, cleaner.

  I thought about my first reaction when Cameron had carried me out of the apartment. I was grateful, and I did need a respite from Gabriel—but I had a responsibility as his best friend and boyfriend to take care of him as well. Leaving him wasn’t the solution.

  The water gradually turned colder, and I realized that I was emptying Cameron’s supply. Emptying his warmth.

  I shook my head at the weird thought, stopped the shower and spread drops of water over the tiles as I walked to the door. Catching a few seconds of time in preparation, I placed my hand flat against the door and took a deep breath. Cameron won’t be standing on the other side. He won’t be watching.

  Cautiously, I pulled down the handle to reach for the bundle of clothes and the fresh towel. Cameron wasn’t anywhere in sight, and my shoulders sagged in relief.

  I continued to avoid the mirror as I dressed in his clothes. They were two sizes too big, but, thoughtful as he was, he had included a belt. The auburn pullover was warm and cuddly. It felt as though I was wrapped up in an embrace as I disappeared within the soft material.

  “We have to leave soon,” Cameron said from the other side.

  Knowing that I was as ready as I would ever be, I opened the door to answer. Met by a smile, I managed to give him one in return. “Okay.”

  “Are you nauseous?”

  “A little.” I could have lied, but why?