Toxic

by Avylinn Winter

  “Let’s drive you to the hospital right away.” Cameron nodded toward the front door.

  I trudged along and hovered beside him while he rummaged through the wardrobe next to the front door. “You can take my coat. I’ll find something in here.”

  Carefully, I ran my fingers along the thick wool. I would feel strange wearing it, but I didn’t know how to decline.

  When I looked up, Cameron stood beside me, watching me as if he were trying to answer a question. He blinked slowly, as though he didn’t know where to rest his eyes. “Who did this to you, Adam? Was it Gabriel?”

  I pulled on the coat to allow myself a few seconds of respite while my heart raced. The silence stretched as I faltered.

  “No. It wasn’t Gabriel.”

  “Well then, let’s get you checked out.”

  It didn’t sound like he believed me. Fighting off a wave of nausea, I passed through his doorway and hoped that I could convince him. I had to.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Cameron was silent during the drive. It was a silence that hovered too closely and spoke too loudly. I tried words on my tongue, tasted them and rejected each one. Excuses were hollow, the lies too tangible.

  We neared one of the city’s hospitals, and the closer we got, the more nervous I became. I had to have some sort of believable explanation for my concussion, one that didn’t mention Gabriel. I could say that I was attacked by someone, or that I’d fallen. Falling would be a comfortable escape, but it wouldn’t work as a cover for the black eye.

  Sighing, I slumped further into the seat.

  “How are you doing?”

  The warmth in Cameron’s voice made me want to tell him everything. I wanted to break down and let it all out, but I couldn’t. Gabriel would be in trouble, something that wouldn’t help any of us. If I ruined his chances of a happy life, I would blame myself.

  “I’ll be fine.” It wasn’t a lie. I would be fine, eventually.

  “I don’t know how to answer that, Adam.”

  “You don’t need to answer.”

  Cameron let out a heavy breath—not a full sigh, but I took it as a sign that he wished I could have told him more. It was understandable. He had entered that room to save me, and I had barely said a word in gratitude. I wanted to think that his rescue was misplaced, but I wasn’t entirely convinced that was the truth.

  Imagining different scenarios of what would have happened if Cameron hadn’t arrived, I leaped into my hazy thoughts and didn’t surface until he stopped the car outside the ER entrance. The main door opened and closed several times while I stared out of the car window. People would see me. They would see my busted eye. I touched the tender skin, wincing as the pain flared.

  Cameron leaned over and rummaged around behind his seat. “Here go you.” He handed me a cap. It had the university logo on it and looked brand new. “Got it when I started here, haven’t used it.”

  “I can see why.” The light blue color wasn’t very flattering, but hopefully it would hide my bruised eye if I kept my head down. It was definitely better than walking around without any kind of shield. I knew they had seen a lot worse at the hospital, but it didn’t matter. I wanted to remain invisible. In fact, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here at all.

  Cameron chuckled and got out of the car. It was an honest chuckle, one that perhaps held a little bit of relief. I could understand that too. I was sure he wanted me to be fine, so if I acted fine, he would hopefully relax.

  We entered chaos and Cameron struggled to hail one of the nurses. She appeared annoyed to be disturbed until she saw my eye. With a swift wave, she urged us to follow, leading us into a small examination room.

  She eyed Cameron. “I need you to step outside.”

  He frowned. “Why?”

  “This will go faster if you don’t interfere.”

  He read her name tag. “Miss Jensen, I’m his teacher.”

  She gave him the cold shoulder and approached me. “How are you feeling, hon?”

  “I think he’s got a concussion.”

  I wasn’t sure if I should be mad at him for talking over my head, or glad that he relieved me from addressing my injuries.

  The nurse turned her head so fast that I became dizzy. “Please leave before I call security.”

  Cameron tensed from head to toe, shoulders rising. “I’ll wait outside, Adam.”

  I nodded. The idea of him being in the room when I lied had worried me. He seemed to see right through me, and I hated the thought of disappointing him.

  The door closed with a firm click as the nurse placed her hand on my arm. “Are you nauseous?”

  “No.” A lie.

  She prodded my head with careful fingers and received a wince when she touched the back of my skull. “We’ll run some scans to be sure.” She noted something down on a clipboard. “Can you tell me what happened?”

  “Accident.”

  She retrieved a flashlight from one of the drawers. “Let me guess, a fist hit your eye by accident. Did you hit your head?”

  “Yes.”

  She flashed the beam in my eyes and sighed. When done, she took a step back. “Why don’t you tell me the truth instead? We’re here to help you.”

  Perhaps it was stupid to blame an accident. A bashing would have been easier to sell. Homophobes were still active, after all. I knew of gay guys who had been attacked by strangers on the street. It was horrible.

  “Adam, was it?” Her voice had turned softer.

  “Yes.”

  “Any memory loss?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Do you remember what happened?”

  “Yes.”

  She looked thoughtful. “Then please tell me what happened. You won’t get in trouble. I want to know what I’m dealing with.”

  Realizing that my hands were shaking, I placed them between my legs. “I was attacked by a few guys. I didn’t really see their faces.”

  “Do you have a partner?”

  “No.” I lied, but this one slipped easily off my tongue.

  “We’ll be documenting all your injuries just in case. It’s important if you someday change your mind.” She handed me a card. “Hold on to this one. It’s the number to a safe house. Their line is always open and someone will answer no matter when you call.” Her tone suggested that she had heard these lies before.

  I thought of throwing the card into the bin, but she turned her back, giving me an opportunity to hide it somewhere. I read the number over and over again. A tear fell on the thick paper before I placed it in my pocket.

  “So, let’s get this over with,” the nurse said, making me wonder exactly how long they would keep me.

  * * * *

  Hours later, I was heading back to the entrance. They had done a thorough job, scanning my brain and everything. The verdict was that I had a concussion, but, as long as I felt fine, they saw no reason to keep me. They had asked a lot of uncomfortable questions and insisted on testing for all kinds of STD. I’d felt violated yet again, even if I knew they wanted to help me.

  I walked by one of the waiting areas, still feeling a slight dizziness and the strange sense of moving through a mist. Cameron appeared out of nowhere, almost scaring the hell out of me.

  “What did they say?”

  “How long have you been waiting?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” He placed an arm around me. “Did you tell them what happened?”

  “Yes.”

  “And?”

  I didn’t like his probing questions and wished I could avoid them. Lies turned into more lies far too easily. “I was attacked by some guys I don’t know. End of story.” I was anxious to meet Gabriel and have him explain what was going on inside his head. He owed me that much at least.

  “But that’s not true.” Cameron sounded less than pleased.

  “It is the truth,” I snapped and twisted away from his hold. I was tired of having to justify everything, of having to defend myself and Gabriel.


  Time slowed around us—as if someone had pushed the pause button and waited for us to make the next move. Cameron stood completely still and so did I.

  “I’m going home now. Thank you for trying to help.”

  I started to walk, my knees still weak. One step. Two steps. Cameron grabbed my arm and turned me around, staring at me with such intensity that I lowered my gaze and tried to escape from his hold.

  “Adam, please don’t do this.”

  “I have to.”

  “No, you really don’t have to. He’s hurting you.”

  “He’s not.” I knew he was talking about Gabriel, and I had to convince him that he was wrong. “This wasn’t Gabriel.”

  He let me go and took a step back. “You’re stronger and smarter than this, Adam.”

  I squared my shoulders and looked up, ready to face whatever it was he could possibly throw at me. “This has nothing to do with Gabriel, so get off my case.”

  When the determination in his eyes didn’t relent, I realized the troubles he could cause. Gabriel might be outed and could potentially lose his scholarship. “Gabriel is innocent, so don’t even think about talking to the school. He’s not out, and this would devastate him. I’d never forgive you.”

  “You can’t ask that of me. You’re in danger, Adam.”

  I clenched my jaw. “It would be your word against ours, and what proof do you have? How would you explain your suspicion?”

  Anger flashed in his eyes, but what right did he have to be angry?

  After a few seconds of complete silence, I turned again and continued down the hospital corridor with all its white doors. Doors leading somewhere, doors closed.

  I walked faster, determined to forget this day and everything about it. It had been a disaster so far, but I was determined to make it better. I just had to get to Gabriel and make him understand that he had to tell me what was wrong. Beating me was never going to help him, but I could help him if he actually gave me a chance.

  Cameron called my name several times, but I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t listening because he and I were nothing.

  * * * *

  Stepping outside into the bright sunlight, I remembered that I was wearing Cameron’s coat, his clothes and his shoes. He was still with me even if I had left him behind. It was an odd feeling, one that made me afraid of the reaction I would get from my boyfriend. He had fewer reasons than ever to like Cameron, and I had a feeling that he wouldn’t like the sight of me dressed in another man’s clothes.

  I wrapped the coat tighter against my body and tucked my hands into the large pockets. Clasping paper, I paused long enough to retrieve some cash. I didn’t know how to react, but figured I would have to return his clothes anyway. He wouldn’t notice. Shaking my head, I rushed toward the cabs standing in line outside the hospital, feeling the chilly wind crack my already sore lips. The shoes were a size too large, but they were better than no shoes at all. It didn’t matter that my heel kept slipping—I refused to slow down.

  I got into one of the cars, huddling in the back seat with Cameron’s blue cap to protect me from prying eyes. The driver got the directions and sped away, seemingly used to strange people exiting the hospital. He didn’t ask me questions, and for the first time that day, I felt a smidgen of peace.

  However, my frail hold on determination wavered as I entered the apartment building, pausing on the first floor to decide whether to visit Gabriel right away or go upstairs and change into my own clothes. The latter was the safer option, and it struck me how sad that thought was. I shouldn’t have to be worried about Gabriel’s reaction.

  The room was empty, but it almost felt as if Chris was present, as a lot of his belongings lay scattered across the floor. It was a clear sign that I had stayed away for too long.

  Tired, I crashed on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Chris was kind, something that I should treasure a lot better than I did. During the last few weeks, I had spent less and less time with him, to the point where I wondered if we remained friends. Our conversations were hollow, distant. He probably knew that I was hiding something and treated my lies with indifference. I was tearing our friendship apart.

  Footsteps sounded outside, then a key in the door. Dreading to meet Chris in my current state, I sat up straight and racked my brain for a way to hide my busted eye. He wouldn’t buy my explanation a second time—at least not as easily.

  Chris entered, seemingly surprised to see me. “Oh, hey…” There was a hint of something more, a flavor of a sound or a word that didn’t reach all the way. A question perhaps.

  “Hey.” I tried to smile. “How are you?”

  Chris’ eyebrows furrowed as they always did when he was thinking hard. “I’m good, but how are you?” He stepped closer, clearly seeing my eye. “You’re injured again.”

  Again, another point of no return. I could lie. I could lie until nothing I said was true, but how long did I think I could continue? Eventually, I would slip. Everything would be revealed, and when that happened, I would lose the only friend I had left.

  “Took a hit.”

  “I can see that.” Chris stepped closer, placing a finger beneath my chin to lift my face. “What’s going on, Adam? Who did this?”

  “I can’t tell you.” It was better to say nothing at all than to lie. I was tired of the lies.

  “Why not?”

  “Can’t tell you that either.”

  Chris let me go and released a deep sigh. “I’m seriously worried about you, Adam. I don’t even know if you’re aware of how much you’ve changed since Christmas.”

  His words felt like a slap right across my cheek.

  “I know I’ve been a lousy friend. I’m sorry.” Hunched over, I looked down at my legs. Cameron’s jeans. They were threadbare at the knees, I noticed.

  “It’s not that. Hell, you’re not even wearing the same clothes anymore.” Chris stalked over to my closet, wading through the shelves and tossing out pieces of clothing on the floor. “Remember these?” He held a pair of purple pants.

  “They’re for summer.” They really weren’t. It was another lie, but this time, I lied mostly to myself. The bitter taste of my words crawled all the way down to my gut, spreading a vile sensation that threatened to upturn my stomach.

  Chris threw them on my bed and found something else. “This?”

  It was a shirt with whimsical patterns. Flamboyant. Tears built up behind my eyes. I had loved that shirt, but Gabriel hated it. Chris kept flinging clothes in my direction. Item after item.

  “I have to go.” I rose from the bed, leaving Chris to take care of the mess he had made. I couldn’t stay, couldn’t face the importance of what he had tried to express. He was right, and that made it all too unbearable.

  Forgetting the reason why I had stalled the reunion with my boyfriend, I dashed down the stairs despite my throbbing head and hurried to his apartment. I tapped my knuckles against the door, then my fist, then both fists. I was screaming inside, desperate to sort out the mess. I would make him tell me everything, explain it all. Gabriel needed to make sense.

  The banging caused other students to peek out of their doorways, but I was too far gone to acknowledge their burning stares. Too angry and confused.

  The door opened, revealing Gabriel with that frightening expression in his eyes once more. I slipped past him, not waiting for an invitation. I wasn’t going to be afraid. I could handle this.

  “Gabriel, sit down and listen.” I pointed toward his bed while I leaned on his desk. I was still woozy, but I had to do this. Right now.

  His eyes flashed, but he sat, his mouth twisted into a sneer.

  “You have to tell me what’s going on, Gabe. You can’t keep doing this.” I pointed at my bruised eye. Tears threatened again, but I refused to let them go. I was more mad than hurt.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know that.” It didn’t sound like an apology. The words were too sharp, too accusatory.

  “But you keep hurting me, Gabe. Why? I
don’t get it.”

  “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” He looked away, anger still brewing in his dark gaze.

  “Then don’t let it be this way. I know we can work togeth—”

  He interrupted me. “Then why the hell did you let him take you? Are you wearing his clothes too?” He stared straight at me, boring holes through my battered skin with the intensity of his stare.

  My heart hammered against my ribs. I had forgotten about the clothes. However, that had nothing to do with our conversation.

  “Cameron thought he did the right thing, don’t blame me for that. You’re the one who gave me a concussion.”

  Gabriel stood, took the few steps required to reach me and towered over me. “And how do you think that made me feel?”

  “I hope you regret it.” My voice lost its strength. I was tired of arguing. What I wanted was an apology and an explanation, nothing else.

  He cupped my cheek, speaking softly. “Of course I regret it, but I’ve told you before, Cameron is trying to steal you from me. I can’t have that, and I can’t have you running with him.”

  I leaned into his hand. “I’m not going to run with him, Gabe. I promise.”

  “Good.” He leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss. A meeting of lips. Careful. A gesture meant to soothe the pain I was in, and it worked.

  “But you have to let me see Chris a bit more. I don’t want to lose him as a friend.”

  “Don’t you see him enough?”

  “He basically threw a fit before I got here. I need to give him more attention.”

  Gabriel shook his head. “Why give him attention if he behaves like a child?”

  Imagining Chris ranting and throwing clothes around him like a child put a fragile smile on my lips, but it wasn’t a true picture of what had happened. Chris wasn’t a child. “I need to see him a bit more, that’s all.”

  I hoped that would solve the problems between Chris and me. More time. Less lies. If only I could tell Chris about Gabriel, but I knew it was too early to ask for something like that. Gabriel wasn’t ready to go public with our relationship, and if I pushed the issue, I would push him away.