The Lighthouse

by Melanie Wilber

  “Some don’t?”

  “Sadly no. And I’m not just talking about churches that don’t teach the Bible and believe in Jesus as God, but even a lot of Christian churches don’t really portray God as relevant and soul-touching. More like someone to pay homage to on Sundays and then live the rest of the week trying not to sin against too much--which either leads to defeat and a lot of guilt, or self-righteousness and judgment of everyone else.”

  “And how does that happen?”

  “Mostly from a misunderstanding of God. Like believing in His judgment and wrath, but not in His mercy and love that overcomes it. Following the commands of God, but not seeing the practical reasons obedience is for our benefit. Engaging in worship and service but not truly depending on Him. Belief without faith. Righteousness without mercy. Duty without love.”

  “Like seeing a lighthouse shining in the darkness but misunderstanding its purpose, thinking you’re supposed to head right for it instead of keeping a safe distance from the protruding coastline?”

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  “And how do we know when we’re looking at it all the right way and aren’t completely off course?”

  “By what our hearts are like. Is there joy and peace, or depression and worry? Is there clarity and comfort, or confusion and pain? Is there kindness and love, or bitterness and hatred? Is there courage and hope, or guilt and shame?”

  I thought of Jonathan and the way he always treated me. Giving him a gentle kiss, I said, “Is there respect and caring, or selfishness and thoughtlessness?”

  He returned the sentiment. “Is there beauty and faith, or fear and darkness?”

  “Thank you for helping me to come into the light, Jonathan. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but I don’t think I would have found my way without you.”

  “I guess God knew we needed each other.”

  “What do you need me for? You do just fine on your own.”

  “I need to love you, Jennifer. My heart is meant to love you like this, and if you weren’t letting me, I would be empty and in so much pain right now. Having to wait two years to meet you would be nothing compared to putting my heart on hold.”

  I couldn’t imagine not letting Jonathan love me. I couldn’t even process that scenario. To not know him would be one thing, but to know him and push him away? I didn’t think that was possible.

  “What were you going to say before?” I asked him.

  He had to shift gears to get back to that, but he hadn’t forgotten. “I was thinking about something during the concert.”

  “What were you thinking?”

  “I was thinking, ‘I wonder why we both have a desire to be doctors?’ And I was picturing the future: where we might end up.”

  I smiled. “You know when he did that thing in the middle about children all over the world who need sponsors so they can go to school and have medical care and everything?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I was thinking, ‘I want to go there and be that doctor who helps them.’ I’ve never had such a feeling of purpose before.”

  “I was thinking the same thing,” he said.

  On the drive back to the campus I remembered when my friend had tried to talk me into joining the Peace Corps and how resistant to that I had been. And now I knew why. It wasn’t just about going to help people. It was about having a specific calling from God to do so. And it was about me having everything I needed to fulfill that calling. The right training. The right person by my side. The faith to believe God was leading me to do amazing things. And the heart to be moved with compassion for others. Not obligation, but love. Not despair, but hope. For them, and for me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jonathan seemed nervous about going home with me, but I wasn’t nervous at all. I knew he was going to do fine as far as impressing my family, and they weren’t that difficult to impress anyway. My mother never made quick judgments about people, even those who were obviously rough around the edges, and Uncle Stewart was the most tolerant, mild-mannered man I’d ever known.

  The only person I could foresee giving Jonathan a hard time was Jodi, but I didn’t know if I was going to be seeing her while he was there. We hadn’t made any official plans, and I had only talked to her on the phone once since Thanksgiving. We hadn’t chatted online either. We’d left each other some little messages, but otherwise I got the feeling she was avoiding me. Just why, I didn’t know, but I suspected it had something to do with me going off to college and getting myself a boyfriend.

  She had always been the jealous-type. Jealous of my time mostly. I studied too much. I spent more time with Tess than her once in a blue moon. I would rather go to the beach by myself than go out with her and a bunch of people I didn’t know. Bringing home a guy who would invade her territory was sure to bring some of that to the surface.

  But for now it was just me and Jonathan and we had no agenda for the afternoon. He had ridden with me in my car so Marissa could get home in his, and he would be taking the bus back to Portland on Christmas Eve to be with his family for the holidays. I decided to have us stop for lunch before going to the house, and I took him to a place along the river called The Lighthouse where my lighthouse could be plainly seen.

  “So that’s your lighthouse,” he said, looking out the large window we had been seated by.

  “That’s it,” I replied.

  “Can you see it that well from your house?”

  “A little better, actually.”

  “Better? Wow. I can see why you miss it so much.”

  “I don’t miss it that much.” I looked at him instead and knew a view of Jonathan was better than anything I missed here, especially when he was looking back at me.

  He asked for my advice on what to order. He liked most seafood he had tried in the past, but he didn’t know what was good and what was fantastic when cooked as fresh as it would be here. After we ordered, he wanted to know who would be at the house today, and I wasn’t sure.

  “My uncle won’t be home until later, unless he didn’t go out on the boat today, which is possible. My mom should be there, although I didn’t give her an exact time, so she might have some things she needs to get out for. And Joseph is supposed to be coming home too, but I’m not sure if it’s today.”

  On the tail end of my words I heard someone laughing, and I was almost certain it was Jodi. She had a very distinct laugh. We were sitting in one of the booths, and they had high wooden backs, so it was impossible to see anyone who was also sitting along the windows. I was silent for a few moments and then heard it again.

  “What’s wrong?” Jonathan asked.

  I hadn’t said anything, but I must have gotten a look on my face. “That sounds like Jodi.”

  “Is she here?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you want to go see?”

  I didn’t. I didn’t want to deal with her meeting Jonathan right now, and I didn’t know whom she was with. From the way she was laughing, I supposed it was a guy, and when Jodi was with a guy, she wasn’t the same person as when it was just her and me.

  “I don’t think so,” I said. “It sounds like she’s on a date.”

  “How do you know?”

  “She wouldn’t come here with anyone in her family, and she doesn’t have the money to be coming here for a lunch date with a friend. If she’s here, it’s because a guy is paying.”

  I saw them leaving later while we were eating, and she was with someone I’d never seen before, and he looked older--like late twenties, or so. She didn’t look my way, and I didn’t say anything to Jonathan.

  After we were finished, we drove to the house, and when I didn’t see Uncle Stewart’s truck or my mom’s car, I supposed no one was home. I knew my brother might be. He would have taken the bus from the airport because his car was at school, but after I opened the front door and we were inside, I didn’t hear anyone.

  I called out to be sure but got no response. Leading the way u
pstairs carrying my suitcase, I supposed we may as well get settled, and I stopped by my room briefly to leave my things in there and then took Jonathan down the hall to show him where he could sleep.

  “This is our guest room,” I explained, stepping into the spacious and nicely decorated bedroom with its own small bath that used to be the master bedroom before my dad and Uncle Stewart had built an addition on the main floor to accommodate our growing family. It had a queen-sized bed and a view of the ocean, but not the lighthouse because it was on the opposite end of the house.

  “Wow, this is nice,” he said, setting his bag on the bed and stepping over to the large window.

  “I know. I’ve tried to talk my mom into turning this place into a B&B. Between the views and her cooking--this would be the fanciest place in town.”

  “Are you regretting that you invited me to come here with you?”

  I couldn’t think of anything more absurd. “No,” I laughed. “Why would I be?”

  “This place strikes me as being very much your personal space. Not just the house, but the whole deal. The beach, the town, your family and friends.”

  “It is. But you fit right in. I like things that make me comfortable and happy, and you do both of those.”

  “Can we go see the view from your room? I’ve been anxious to see it since you first told me.”

  I smiled and led the way. Stepping past my suitcase and walking to the window, I felt Jonathan behind me, and he didn’t stop until I did.

  “There it is,” he said over my shoulder. “You’re right. Even better than the view from the restaurant.”

  I stood there gazing at the familiar sight. Jonathan put his arms around my waist and held me close, and it was a magical kind of moment. The only thing I could imagine being better would be walking on the beach with him--on “my beach” with the guy I was falling in love with. Three months ago I would have said such a moment was still a long ways off. Years, even a decade or more.

  I turned in his arms to face him, again thinking this view was better than looking at some building with a light in it. Jonathan looked down at me and seemed surprised I would turn away so soon.

  “Now this is a great view,” I said. “Such a handsome guy standing in my bedroom? How did that happen?”

  “He fell in love with you,” he replied.

  Jonathan kissed me and made me believe that. It was a nice feeling to be here with him. No agenda. No classes to attend. No one to invade our space. Even when the others were here later, I knew we would have plenty of time to ourselves whenever we wanted that.

  “When do you think the others will be home?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure.”

  He kissed me again, and I wondered if he was going to keep me in here until someone came home, and if he could do that without turning this into something more than kissing. I had a desire for that, and I knew he must too. At school it wasn’t really possible unless we went someplace deliberately for that reason, and since Jonathan wanted to wait until we got married, he had made no such plans or even suggested it. But maybe here it would just happen.

  If we locked the door and my mom came home, she wasn’t going to interrupt anything. She had asked me if I wanted her to make up the guest room for Jonathan or if he would be staying in mine--which had surprised me a lot, but I knew she saw me as an adult now, capable of making my own decisions in my personal life.

  “You know something I need to do while I’m here?” he said.

  I was in another world, and it took a moment to process what he asked me. “What?”

  “Go shopping.”

  “Shopping?”

  “For some Christmas gifts.”

  “Oh, right.” I smiled, remembering why we were here in Bandon instead of at school. “Who do you need to buy for?”

  “Everyone,” he laughed. “I’m not going home until Christmas Eve.”

  “I thought you were getting some stuff at school?”

  “That was my plan. But when my mom found out I was coming here, she said she wanted something from the beach, and then Marissa and Megan said they did too. I got my dad a Beavers sweatshirt, but I need to get the rest here--including something for you. So you need to show me what you want.”

  “Okay. Do you want to go now?”

  “Sure. Unless you had something else in mind for this afternoon.”

  “No, not really. I need to do some shopping too, and this is a good time because it’s not raining.”

  I had a tin can with a lid on a shelf above my desk. It had an image of a lighthouse on the outside, and I reached for it to get some cash I had stashed away in there. Putting it into my wallet, I took my keys and led the way downstairs and out to the car. I drove to a part of town known for its shops, and I took Jonathan to one with a good selection of beach-type items that wasn’t too overpriced. They had everything from t-shirts and hoodies to framed pictures of the coastline and little trinkets and beach decor--things that appealed to me and I thought his mom and sisters might like also.

  We wandered around for a long time, and Jonathan seemed to be more interested in finding something for me than anyone else. At one point we went by the counter area where they had a lot of jewelry in a locked case, and he asked me what kind of jewelry I liked.

  “Nothing too flamboyant,” I said, seeing some pretty wild-looking things in there. “I like simple. Gold or silver--it doesn’t matter. And I wear necklaces more than anything. And I don’t have pierced ears, so don’t get me earrings.”

  “I’ve noticed that,” he said, pulling my deep brown hair away from my neck and kissing my exposed cheek right beside my earlobe. It made me shiver.

  I was reminded of the way I had felt earlier at the house, and I wasn’t sure I could make it through Jonathan’s time here without asking him to come to my bedroom for an extended period of time.

  We headed back to the house for dinner, and having Jonathan meet my mom and uncle went fine. Joseph wasn’t coming home until Monday, I learned. He had decided to go skiing this weekend with some of his friends from school, and my mom seemed to think there was a girl involved.

  Dinner was a combination of my mother’s wonderful cooking and a lot of friendly conversation between my mom and Jonathan. They were the two talkative ones. My uncle and I were more quiet. But I was surprised to hear Uncle Stewart make some inquiries with a fatherly tone. He nearly made me cry when he said something to Jonathan while Mama and I were clearing the table for dessert.

  “Someday you’ll be a dad too, and then you’ll understand why we’re asking all these nosy questions.”

  He said it in good humor, and Jonathan took it that way, but he replied seriously too. “Oh, I get it. I have two younger sisters, and I’m always nosy about any guys they’re hanging around with. And if Jennifer was my sister or a good friend of mine, I’d be checking me out pretty good too.”

  “I think we’ve heard enough to know that’s true,” Uncle Stewart said. “And Jenni’s got a good head on her shoulders. She’s a smart girl and knows a good thing when she sees it.”

  Again I was surprised by his words. I had never heard Uncle Stewart talk about me to someone else before. I’d always known he cared about me, but to see me as being smart and making good choices? That had never occurred to me. I glanced at my mom, and she was busy cutting the pie. Her husband’s words didn’t seem to surprise her, and I supposed they did talk about me as any parents would. I often thought of myself as only having one parent, but in the place of my dad’s absence, someone had come to fill the void.

  I knew that but was resistant to it. I thought if I let Uncle Stewart take the place of my dad, it would be like forgetting about him. And I didn’t want to forget. But as I retook my place at the table between my uncle and Jonathan, with my mother sitting across from me, I allowed myself to see Uncle Stewart differently. I accepted the reality he was my dad now, and I actually felt closer to Daddy somehow. Almost like he was watching me and had been waiting for this day f
or a long time. Daddy wouldn’t want me to think of myself as an orphan. He would want me to know someone else loved me as much as he did.

  I kept thinking about that, and I told Jonathan when we were alone later. He listened and seemed to know it was a big deal for me to come to that conclusion--something that wouldn’t necessarily have a profound effect on my relationship with Uncle Stewart at this point, since we basically got along fine and I was breaking into my adult years anyway; but it did have an effect on me. Deep inside it changed something, and I needed it.

  All evening I had been looking forward to this time I would have alone with Jonathan and wondering if I could talk him into going upstairs and having a sensuous time together that would be completely private and could last as long as we wanted it to. But now I just wanted him to hold me. To listen as I shared good memories of my dad and other good times that had come after he was gone. Not right away. It had been really, really hard for awhile. But eventually happiness had returned to our family, and I remembered my mom and Uncle Stewart’s wedding being a festive occasion.

  “The only part I didn’t like was when they were saying good-bye to us before taking off for their honeymoon. They were going to Hawaii, and my sister was taking care of me and Joseph while they were gone, and I didn’t want my mom to leave. I felt like Uncle Stewart was taking her away, but it wasn’t true. He actually gave a part of her back to me. The part that had missed my dad so much she couldn’t be fully herself without being loved like that again.”

  We sat in silence for several moments. I was thinking about how blind and self-centered I had been for the last six years, and I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t know what Jonathan was thinking. He didn’t say anything, but the way he held me and remained quiet told me he was listening to every word I said.

  “I feel like I need to make up for it. But how? How do I make up for six years of keeping someone at a distance who only wanted to love me?”

  Jonathan’s answer came easily. “You just go on from here, Jennifer. We can’t change the past, but we can move on and make things right. God’s grace will cover the rest.”