Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  There was a weak and grumbly “Aye, Captain” around the room. The video followed him as he went to the nearest airlock, stripped off his uniform jacket, and spaced himself. Nikki cut the video. She said, “He was hardcore.” We all sat stunned for a moment. Nikki asked, “What do we do now?”

  I replied, “We’ve got to get them back into the black, we can’t just leave them here.”

  Phonelia said, “If they see the Gene, you’ll never get that genie back in the bottle, Bob.”

  I said, “It’s worse than that, Phonelia. If they see us out here, that will raise questions all by itself. I wish we could fix their drive, and leave them all on a twelve-hour countdown to wake up. That would give us time to hide, until they’re out of the system.”

  Nikki said, “Let me check their vitals. They all look healthy enough, I think your plan might work, Caveman.”

  “You’re kidding, aren’t you?”

  “Nope. We could make it work. We’ll have to hide the Gene till they get out of the system, but that shouldn’t be too tough.”

  “I was just joking.”

  Steve said, “Out of the mouths of Bobs.”

  I replied, “That’s supposed to be babes, Steve.”

  Nikki said, “Babe, Bob, all the same to me.”

  “Thanks, Hon, but do you really think this screwball plan will work?”

  “I do. It accomplishes the things we need to accomplish, without compromising our operation here.”

  “Bucky is our Guide liaison. We should probably run it past her before we start work.”

  “I’ll call her. Why don’t you go ahead and see what Scotti and Topper can do about a drive for them?”

  “What about the test article, won’t they be able to see it on the way out?”

  Taz spoke up. “Boss, Topper says it’ll only take a week to test that thing completely. With the accelerated wear schedule he and Scotti have it on, it’ll be like twenty years of regular service. As old as that ship is, it’s probably going to take most of a week to get a new drive built and set up.”

  I asked, “So, the plan is, we build them a new drive, install it, tune it, and let them wake up and fly it off.”

  Taz replied, “That sounds like something our Boss would do.”

  Ruth said, “Sure does. Slip away and not even leave a silver bullet.”

  “I’m guessing you guys already relayed the plan to Topper and Scotti?”

  Taz said, “Why yes, we did. Wasn’t that efficient of us?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  Nikki said, “Bucky agrees it’s the best method to get them back in the black without causing more problems.”

  “Do we have good enough scans for Scotti to match the old drive?”

  “We do. Forwarding them now.”

  “There’s nothing else we can do here right now, is there?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Let’s head back to the Gene and get some rest.”

  Nikki flew us back to the Gene. As soon as we touched down, my comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Bob, it’s Dingus. Are you aboard?”

  “I think that’s a philosophical question, Dingus. I’m aboard the Evans, and she’s aboard the Gene. I don’t know what the conventional answer is. I am handy, if you need something.”

  “Could you come by the brig?”

  “Sure. Good news, or bad?”

  “Mostly good, I think.”

  Nikki looked at me. “Work?”

  “Seems that way. Your Grandpa wants me to come by the brig, says it’s mostly good news, he thinks.”

  “He got that much trouble stirred up, no longer than we were gone?”

  “So it would seem.”

  “I’m coming, too. I want to see what he stirred up.”

  “Wish you would, I could use the company.”

  Steve asked, “Big Bad Bob needs company?”

  “That video of Captain Slongum, doing what he needed to do for his crew, got to me. Made me realize this isn’t all fun and games.”

  Steve replied, “Sorry, Captain. Didn’t mean to offend.”

  “You didn’t. I know it’s the same job it was yesterday, I just hadn’t thought it all the way through, I guess.”

  Phonelia spoke up. “I don’t know you as well as the rest of them, Bob, but I know enough to know you would have been out that airlock just as fast as Captain Slongum, if you thought it was what needed to be done. You however, would have been paranoid enough to have had a backup comm unit stashed somewhere, so that the whole thing wouldn’t have happened in the first place.”

  I said, “Thanks, you two.”

  Ian was standing guard when we arrived at the brig. He said, “Evening, Sir, Mrs. Wilson. Have a nice flight?”

  “We did, Ian. I like your nametag, looks very official. Topper was with us, who did them for you guys?”

  “Topper has his basic method where anyone can access it. Since it was just a basic nametag and unit designation, we were able to do it for one another.”

  I looked at the lettering on his shoulder. “Security detachment B. S. Gene Cernan. What’s the B. S. for?”

  “Bob’s Ship, Sir.”

  I looked at Nikki. “That’s going to be a thing, isn’t it?”

  She looked back at me. “Without a doubt. Honor you, and give you crap all at the same time? Who could resist?”

  “I suppose you’re right, if I wanted something else, I should’ve figured it out quicker. There’ll be no stopping it now.”

  “Nope. You can’t stop the signal.”

  We went on back where Dingus and Jane were. Jane said, “Before you ask, we used the truth cap and Steve’s methods together, so we’re fairly sure we have the straight story.”

  “Thanks. I figured you two would be thorough. What did you learn?”

  Dingus said. “It seems the pirate clan that was operating from the Moon got its start down on the planet below us. That sensor reading Nikki wasn’t sure about is a colony founded by some folks who got marooned here about three hundred years ago. The colony had a disagreement about what to do when they came into possession of a ship. One faction wanted to use it to get back to civilization. The faction that won wanted to use it to pirate other vessels. The first faction said they could have the ship, but they were no longer welcome in the colony. The crew you captured are descendants of people who, for one reason or another, wound up going with the pirate faction against their will. They were trying to come back, in the hope the colony would take them in, since in the wider galaxy, people think they’re pirates.”

  “They must be desperate, coming to the planet of the giant eating machines.”

  “Somehow that part got left out of the stories they were told.”

  “So far it all sounds pretty reasonable. How about we get to the part you called me down for.”

  “Some of these folks don’t want to try the colony, now that they’ve seen what life down there will be like. Most of them have useful skills.”

  “You’re asking permission to recruit them?”

  “It’s a little more complicated than that. To get the ones we want, we’ll have to take on some dependents as well. One or two of those we could do without.”

  “What skills do these folks have that you want so bad, Dingus?”

  “One of them is a good medic, about John’s level, I’d say. The other one is a mechanic who’s worked with Zoom for a long time. She may want to keep him.”

  “How good are the medbots, after you pull their limiters?”

  “As far as textbook stuff, they’re top notch. When it comes to intuitive leaps, they leave some to be desired.”

  “If Topper and his crew are any indication, that sort of thing will come over time. It’s not a huge worry to me. I think we can do without the medic. For the mechanic, we’ll just have to wait till Zoom wakes up, and see how badly she wants to keep him.”

  “His daughter could be an issue. She’s pretty wild.”

  “I’m t
hinking we’ll turn Sally loose on her, see what that does.”

  Jane said, “That will help, but she needs to belong to something.”

  “She have any skills?”

  “We didn’t find much, but we weren’t looking, since she was a dependent.”

  “I know it’s late, but could you take another round with her, see what she can do?”

  Jane replied, “Sure, Bob, I’ll take time out of my honeymoon to take care of that.”

  “You should have seen how hectic ours was. Saucer rescues out the wazoo.”

  “I’m just yanking your chain, Bob. Of course, we can take care of that. You need to know where we stand before Zoom wakes up.”

  “Thanks. I’m gonna find Snitz and hit the rack. Sounds like tomorrow may be a full day.”

  Nikki said, “I want to meet this girl who has my Grandpa scared. I’ll be back to the cabin when we get done.”

  “See you then.”

  Dingus said, “See you in the morning, Bob.”

  “Goodnight.”

  I stepped out of the brig, and nodded to Ian. I asked, “Have you seen my dog?”

  “Sir, he was here earlier, playing with one of the dependents. I haven’t seen him for a few minutes.”

  I figured I might as well try the old way, before I bothered Gene. I whistled, and Snitz came tearing around the corner, with a skinny red-headed girl chasing him, saying, “Hey, where are you going?”. He pulled up short when he got to me, and I leaned down and scratched behind his ears. The girl stopped as well, eyeing me suspiciously. I said, “Hi, I’m Bob Wilson. What’s your name?”

  “Nunya Bizness.”

  “Hi Nunya, it’s nice to meet you. I see you’ve already met Snitz, here.”

  “Is he yours?”

  “Belongs to my wife, supposedly, but I always wind up feeding him and taking him for walks.”

  “What kind of animal is he?”

  “He’s a dog. Kind of a domesticated wolf.”

  “Dough what now?”

  “Domesticated. Tamed. Likes to live with people instead of working for a living out in the woods.”

  “How do you tame a wolf?”

  “Nobody really knows. It happened so long ago there aren’t any records of how it was done. Most people figure some hunter found an orphaned wolf pup and took it to raise.”

  “What’s he good for?”

  “Company, mostly. He gets me up in the morning. He likes to play Frisbee, that’s a lot of fun. Back before we figured out how to make them quiet, he could hear a flying saucer coming.”

  “What do you mean? Saucers aren’t noisy.”

  “Not that you or me can hear, no. He can hear sounds we can’t, higher frequency sounds. That’s where the saucers were noisy.”

  “If you can’t hear the sound, how do you know it’s there?”

  “Well, you could just watch Snitz here, but it’s easier to just use some electronics to detect it.”

  “Do you have an answer for everything?”

  “Nope.”

  “Tell me something you don’t know.”

  “Why little red-haired girls ask so many questions.”

  She thought on that for a second. “You’re sneaky.”

  “I’ve heard that before.”

  “Wait a minute! Bob Wilson! You’re Captain Wilson, the guy who killed Rizzum!”

  “I never either. I shot her in the butt, so she wouldn’t shoot at me. She’s in the autodoc, and she’ll be good as new by morning.”

  “Really? She’s gonna be okay?”

  “Yes. Just a second, I’ll show you.” I got on the comm with Gene. “Yes, Captain?”

  “Can you give me a light trail to where Rizzum Mittus is?”

  “You mean the lady you call Zoom?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  We followed the blue lights to the autodoc holding Zoom. I found a stepstool for Nunya to stand on, since I didn’t figure she wanted me boosting her up. When she was satisfied, she got down, and I put the stool back where I found it. “See, I told you. Not dead.”

  “Why did the ship say you call her Zoom?”

  “Because I do.”

  “I know that, silly! Why do you call her Zoom?”

  “Zoom, short for Rizzum, easy to remember. Why do you ask, Nunya?”

  “Nunya? Why did you call me that?”

  “I asked you what your name was, and you told me Nunya Bizness. Are you Chinese, is Bizness your first name?”

  “You say there’s a woman who puts up with you? Is she deaf, or just more patient than anybody has a right to be?”

  “Don’t know. You wanna go ask her?”

  My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Bob, it’s Dingus. That dependent you wanted us to interview, we can’t find her anywhere.”

  “Let me guess, skinny redhead, about five-foot nothin’, answers to the name of Nunya Bizness?”

  “That sounds like her, have you seen her?”

  “Yep. She accused me of killing Zoom, so I brought her down to see that Zoom was okay. Now I need to introduce her to Nikki, ‘cause she doesn’t believe a woman could put up with me.”

  “Smart kid. You want me to come take her off your hands?”

  “We’re fine. Go ahead and knock off for the night. I’ll bring her back to the Micks later.”

  “Okay, Bob.”

  I hung up and said, “C’mon, Nunya, let’s go meet Nikki.”

  “That’s not really my name, you know.”

  “It’s all the name you told me, if you don’t like it, it’s your own fault.”

  I commed Nikki. “Honey, I’m bringing home company. Sorry if that messes with your plans.”

  “It’s fine, Grandpa already told me what’s going on. See you in a bit, Caveman.

  “Love you, Space Cadet.”

  “Love you, too, Caveman.”

  Nunya said, “You call her Space Cadet, and she puts up with it?”

  “She called me Caveman, first. Hey, do you need to call somebody, tell them where you are?”

  “Dad won’t notice for another day, at least. Zoom usually takes care of me, and she’s in the autodoc.”

  “Is she your Mom?”

  “I wish. My Mom died in a blowout when I was little. Dad didn’t take it well. Zoom hired him for a helper, just so he would have money to feed me. When he spent it all on booze, she started taking care of me, herself. Dad’s been doing some better, but I still trust Zoom more than him.”

  “My people who talked to him thought he was a pretty good mechanic.”

  “He can be, if he doesn’t trip over a bottle on the way to the job.”

  “I might be able to help with that. Has he ever been in the autodoc, do you know?”

  “I doubt it. All the ones we had were too old and patched up to really trust. Nobody got in one unless they had no other choice.”

  “After I was in one, I didn’t crave liquor near as much. Maybe it would work for him, too.”

  “You were in an autodoc? What for?”

  “Stupidity. I let a kid not much older than you get the drop on me. He put a hole clean through me.

  “You’re not gonna spin some BS about how you were all brave, but he snuck up on you and shot you from behind?”

  “Ain’t the way it happened. He called out, sounded all scared, and I fell for it. Walked right into his line of fire.”

  “What happened then?”

  “I passed out, and woke up in the autodoc.”

  “I mean to him.”

  “The way I heard it, my wife took a dim view of him putting holes in her husband, and drained her stunner into him. Then the Patrol came and hauled him off for a bounty.”

  “It doesn’t bother you?”

  “That I was dumb enough to get shot? It bothered me a lot. I spent bunches of time with the teaching machine, so it wouldn’t happen again.”

  “I hate those things. They make me hurt so bad.”

  “Not anymore.” I reached down and
scratched Snitz. “He helped us figure out how to make them stop hurting.”

  “How did he do that?”

  “Remember I told you about how the saucers made noise we can’t hear? The teaching machines did the same thing. That’s what makes you get all tense, and gives you the headache. Nikki and I figured out how to get rid of the noise, so now it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

  “You make it sound like no big deal.”

  “It wasn’t, once we figured out what we needed to do.”

  “You tell a lot of stories. I’m not sure if I should believe you or not.”

  “There’s Nikki, ask her what to believe.”

  “One thing for sure, you married up.”

  “You got that right. Hi, Hun. I’d like you to meet my new friend, Nunya Bizness. Nunya, this is Nikki Wilson, My wife.”

  “Hi. Do you think you can get him to stop calling me Nunya?”

  “I doubt it. Company policy, free nickname with every visit.”

  I said, “She’s a friend of Zoom’s. I’ve yet to hear how she got past the Micks, and found Snitz.”

  “The Micks? You mean the guards? There’s a weakness in their code. If you tap the right rhythm, you can cause them to lose focus for a couple of seconds.”

  Nikki said, “Really? Can you teach me?”

  “Sure. Me and Zoom used to play a game when I was younger. She taught me a bunch of rhythms to lock up bots.”

  They wandered into our cabin to play their game. I got a conference call going with Topper and Scotti. “Folks, we’ve got a problem, and I don’t know if you two can even work on it. Apparently, it’s possible to tap out a rhythm that will incapacitate a bot for a few seconds. You can look at security footage of the brig earlier this evening for an example. We need to figure out which part of your code is causing this vulnerability, and how we’re going to patch it. I don’t know how you’ll be able to work on it, without being affected yourselves, so be careful.”

  Topper said, “So that’s how she got past the Micks. They’ve been going nuts trying to figure out how she got away.”

  Scotti asked, “Do you know if the stimulus has to be auditory, or if the same rhythm in a visual signal will trigger it?”

  “I do not. Be careful.“

  “We will. Talk to you later, Boss.”

  “Later.”

  I went in, finding the two of them sitting on the floor, playing the rhythm game. Nikki said, “I never had any idea stalling a bot could be so easy. I can’t see why a flaw like this in the software made it through testing.”