Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “Swordfish.”

  “And the activation code?”

  “Afghanistan banana stand.”

  “Very good, Sir. How may I help you?”

  This gentleman is Dingus Sloan. He is head of security for our organization. You will no doubt be working closely with him in the future. The lady is Jane Branham, his deputy. They need access to the prisoners for interviews and vetting.”

  “I understand, Sir. They will be extended every courtesy.”

  “Good work, Will.”

  I left them to get on with what they needed to do, and headed back to the galley. I had seen some pie I hadn’t had a chance to try earlier. When I got there, Nikki and Phonelia were chatting with Bucky and Steve. I asked, “Did somebody remember to feed Frank?”

  Phonelia said, “Julie took him a plate. She said he had found some old training material that was giving him a better understanding of some things.”

  “So, he’s too busy to go with us while we start the power core test?”

  “You could ask Julie, but I think probably so, from the way she talked.”

  “I wonder what cool new toys he’ll come up with this time?”

  Steve said, “Between him and Scotti, I wouldn’t even want to guess.”

  “When Zoom gets up to speed on our stuff, it’ll be even weirder.”

  “Zoom?”

  “We finally caught that pirate engineer I’ve been trying to get ahold of for a while. She’s a corker.”

  Nikki said, “Bob had to shoot her in the butt to get her to surrender. At least her suit worked better than your guy’s.”

  I asked, “Is he okay?”

  Steve said, “He will be. His suit didn’t seal around the wound like it should have. He has some vacuum damage. Then there’s the concussion Phonelia gave him.”

  I looked at Phonelia. She said, “Steve was getting his suit off, and the fella decided to clobber him with his good arm. I kicked him in the head.”

  My singing voice isn’t the best, but I tried. “Give them the boot to the head.”

  Heads went down over watches, all over the room. Steve said, “Little obscure there, Bob.”

  “What can I say? I’m Demented.”

  Steve cut down on ‘Shaving Cream’, and I joined in. The song had its intended effect, eyes got big, and then we hit the chorus. Bucky was looking for something to throw. We were saved by my comm going off. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Captain, it’s Scotti. Your power core is ready to be tested, we loaded it aboard the Ronald Evans.”

  “We’ll be there shortly. Thanks.”

  “See you then, Captain.”

  I hung up and asked the room, “Who’s up for a boring run to the outer system?”

  Steve said, “He didn’t say that out loud, did he?”

  Nikki said, “Afraid so. We better take a couple of fighters with us. It’s going to be bad.”

  “C’mon, it’s just dropping off Frank’s power core test.”

  “Caveman, you, of all people, need remedial paranoia? What is the company motto?”

  “Murphy is our shepherd. I’ll call Scotti and see if she has anyone woke up who is a hot stick.”

  “Yes, Boss?”

  “My wife is convinced we need a couple of fighters flying cover for this little jaunt. Are any of the bots you woke up good in a fighter?”

  “I can give you a flight of four. I’d have to call bots back from work on the planet to get more than that.”

  “Just a second.”

  I turned to Nikki. “Flight of four enough to ease your nerves?”

  “If that won’t get us loose from whatever you summoned, we’re hosed anyhow.”

  “Scotti, she’s happy with that. Thank you.”

  “Thank you, Boss. They’ve been bugging me to let them go flying ever since I woke them up.”

  “See you in a few.”

  “Bye, Boss.”

  I turned back to the room. “Who’s going with us?”

  Steve said, “I’d like to, if you don’t mind.”

  I replied, “Ask Bucky, not me. She needs to stay with Gene.”

  They went off to the side to discuss it. Phonelia said, “You mind if I ride along, Bob? I’ve been planetside too much lately.”

  “That’s fine. Whatever Nikki’s worried about may take a few people to square away.”

  “She’s convinced you there’s something out there?”

  “She’s convinced me I was being entirely too relaxed about the whole thing. Not exactly the same.”

  Bucky said, “Okay, but be careful out there.”

  We got in the transit, and headed for the launching bay. Gene came over the intercom. “Captain, are you intending to leave the ship?”

  “Yes, Gene.”

  “Who is to be in charge while you are absent?”

  “Ensign Bronkum.”

  “Very good, Sir.”

  We exited the transit. Scotti was standing there with four bots. I asked, “These your pilots?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  I turned to them. “I’ve heard you’re anxious to get into the black and do some flying. With any luck, tonight will be an easy run, out and back. Despite going through the cargo on this vessel several times, we have yet to find a single box of luck. So, make sure your craft are ready to fight, and pay attention to your scanners. If you see something, sing out. Organic brains aren’t as quick as yours, don’t assume we must have seen whatever you did. Any questions?”

  One spoke up. “You trust us to have your back out there?”

  “I don’t know you. How could I trust you? Scotti trusts you, that’s good enough for me.”

  “Good answer, Sir.”

  “Mount up!”

  They scampered off to grab their craft. Scotti said, “Thank you, Captain.”

  “For what?”

  “For saying you trust me that much.”

  “You already told me to fly safe. You’re not going to give me substandard backup.”

  “You apply logic to the strangest things, Boss.”

  “Get aboard, if you’re coming.”

  “I’d love to, but I need to check on the parts for the fortifications on the planet. Fly safe.”

  “We’ll try.”

  I walked aboard, and Steve ran the ramp up. He said, “You make friends wherever you go, don’t you, Bob?”

  “Seem to. I always thought I was antisocial.”

  “You just have a low tolerance for BS. Different thing entirely.”

  Nikki came over the intercom. “Strap in. Scotti wants me to see if these bots are as good as they think they are.”

  Nikki had the compensators on, so we didn’t feel anywhere near all the maneuvering, but we could tell she was putting them through their paces. Then suddenly, we went to FTL. We came out again shortly after, and soon, the ramp was coming down. Topper and Ozzie grabbed the test rig and moved it out onto the asteroid. They fastened it down, and Topper ran it through a self-check. Then they came back aboard. Ozzie said, “All set, Boss. Let’s see if it will give us more power!”

  Steve ran the ramp up, and we felt the ship lift. Soon, we stopped again, and Steve and I put out the data relay. We moved again, and Nikki came over the intercom. “Clear to start the test. Proceed when ready.”

  Topper looked at Ozzie. “You want to do the honors?”

  “Thanks, Topper.”

  Ozzie started the test run. I watched the readout for wobbles, even though I knew the bots would catch any problems long before I could. Scotti and Topper had designed a brutal test series, with surges, sudden shutdowns, and every other sort of abnormal condition they could think of. After a while, Topper turned and said, “Boss, that’s one full cycle of our testing regimen. I’d like to stay and watch through at least two more, just to be sure no parts are going to break early.”

  “Sounds like a good plan, Topper. Let us know when you’re ready to leave.”

  “Okay, Boss.”

  We humans went
up to the bridge, to have a seat. I asked, “How did your wingmen do?”

  “They didn’t quite come out of FTL in formation, but they got formed up again quickly enough. That’s the only gripe I have. Those bots can fly.”

  “What do you have them doing now?”

  “Running a search grid. You might be right, and there’s nothing out here, but if there is, I want to see it first.”

  “Seems like a good plan.”

  After a bit, Topper came over the intercom. “That’s three full runs of the test protocol, with no abnormalities at all. We can return to base whenever you like.”

  I hit the button, “Thanks, Topper. Does the relay send data back to the Gene?”

  “Yes, Boss. I just wanted to stay out here in case something easy to fix let go.”

  “Not a problem. I’m sure you have good reasons for your test procedure. Mrs. Wilson has some scouts out. When they get back, we’ll take off.”

  “Thanks, Boss.”

  A voice I didn’t recognize came over the comm. “Scout three to Ronald Evans. Scout three to Evans. I have a contact. Appears derelict, but there are signs of a power core, and autodocs.”

  Nikki replied, “Give me a beacon, three, we’ll home on you.”

  When Nikki had the course set, I asked, “Would it do any good to pipe that sensor feed to the crew in the back?”

  She replied, “Good idea, Caveman. Between them, surely they can figure out something.”

  Phonelia said, “I might recognize it, if it’s an old design.” She started going over what three was sending. Nikki transmitted, “All scouts, converge on scout three. All scouts, converge on scout three.” Phonelia said, “I recognize these markings. It’s an old Guide vessel. The FTL drive is completely blown, looks like it let go when they tried to jump out. Wonder what they were doing out this way?”

  Nikki was digging through files on her terminal. She said, “The only Guide vessel I show lost anywhere near here was two hundred years ago.”

  She continued, “From the damage I’m seeing, their comm should still be operational. I don’t understand why they didn’t call for help.”

  I said, “I think we need to see if we can look at their log, before we try to board her. I’ve seen this movie before, and it never goes well for the crew that rushes in.”

  Steve said, “Amen, Boss.”

  As we came alongside, Nikki put the external view on the main screen. There were some scratches and pits, but it didn’t look like she had any holes in her hull. Nikki said, “I don’t have anything handy that’s going to break into that.”

  I commed Ruth. “Hey, Boss. What do you need?”

  “Do you have any old Guide overrides?”

  “I do have a few.”

  “Send them to Mrs. Wilson, at the pilot’s station, please.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Thanks, Ruth.”

  Nikki started running through the codes. She found one that would unlock the computer, but it needed command access. She didn’t have enough rank to get it to open up. I commed Taz. “What’s up. Boss?”

  “You up for some cracking?”

  “Ruth’s codes didn’t work?”

  “Nope. One of them got us to where we needed a command authorization, but nobody up here has enough credentials to make it open up.”

  “Um, ah, Boss.”

  “What is it, Taz?”

  “Well, I happen to have a set of flag level Guide authorization codes. Out in the galaxy, they’ve been canceled, but they might work for this.”

  “I’m assuming I don’t want to know how you came to be in possession of those credentials?”

  “Well, Boss, there’s no need of you worrying about things that are done with, that you had no hand in, is there?”

  “I suppose not. Your adventures aren’t going to come back and bite us, are they?”

  “How could they, Boss? I had a limiter. I was only doing what I was told.”

  “And enjoying every minute, I have no doubt.”

  “It’s good to enjoy your work, isn’t it?”

  “Bring your fake ID up here, you scoundrel, and see if you can get us in.”

  “Be right up.”

  Taz and Ruth came onto the bridge. Taz interfaced with the comm, and once he was hooked up, he took on a camo I hadn’t seen before. He was a Guide general. He said, in a gruff voice, “Send the code, please, Mrs. Wilson.” When the other ship prompted him, he rattled off an authorization code. I thought we were in trouble again, when the ship asked for biometrics, but Taz managed to spoof those. Once he was in, he was able to tell the ship to give Ensign Wilson full access to the ship’s computers. Nikki said, “Thank you, Sir.” She downloaded bunches of files, and started comming bots to help her sort through them. Taz and Ruth froze up, and I’m sure a large proportion of the bots in the system did likewise. Taz came back fairly quickly, saying, “I got a boring piece. Do you need me to take another chunk?”

  Nikki replied, “Nope. I got it all distributed to different bots. About thirty percent have already reported back with ‘Nothing found’. Ruth must have gotten something more interesting.”

  It didn’t take too long for Ruth to get back as well. She said, “I had some conversations to listen to, and their dialect has some oddities to it, but I didn’t find anything about why they were in this system, or why they didn’t call for help.”

  Nikki said, “Here we go. I’ll put this piece up on the screen.” We saw the captain of the vessel greeting a superior in his ready room. The superior said, “This is probably nothing, but one of those wildcat planet finders gave us a report, and I need you to follow up on it. He said he found a habitable planet, but it already had not one, but two unregistered colonies on it. He also mentioned something about huge native wildlife, so I’m assuming he was drunk. I can’t let it go without checking on it.”

  The Captain replied, “This is because I danced with the General’s daughter the other night, isn’t it?”

  “No, it’s because you took her outside and made out with her, Peabrain!”

  “I had no idea who she was, Sir.”

  “That doesn’t matter, now. You have your orders.”

  The commander got up and left. Nikki turned off the record.

  Steve said, “So, this mission was a punishment detail. Still, that doesn’t clear up why they didn’t call in, once they were stranded.”

  Nikki said, “Here’s another piece, maybe it will tell us more.” She put it on the screen. The Captain from before was sitting on the bridge, with his crew at their stations. He said, “Everyone strapped in?” Getting yeses from the crew, he said, “Helm, take us to FTL.” We saw the girl at the helm push some buttons, there was a loud noise, and a light on the captain’s armrest began to blink. He tapped it and asked, “What was that?”

  “Sir, the FTL drive is gone. There appeared to be an explosion inside it, but I won’t know for sure until I get it apart. We don’t have enough parts to rebuild it. We’re not going anywhere.”

  The crew started to get upset. To the Captain’s credit, he managed to settle them down. He said, “Yes, it’s not the outcome we wanted. We can comm someone to bring us the parts we need to get flying again. We can use the downtime to survey this system we’ve found. We won’t be home as quick as we thought, but it’s not the end of the world.” The record followed the Captain as he went to his ready room to comm headquarters for a supply run. We saw him bring up the comm, but it was obvious it wouldn’t connect. He used the intercom. “Lieutenant Smittum, I realize you’re busy right now, but I can’t get the comm to connect to base. Could you have a look, please?” Nikki fast-forwarded to where Smittum came racing into the ready room. He said, “Could you please stand up, Captain?” Smittum ran several different self-checks, getting more frantic with each one. Finally, he said, “Captain, this unit is in perfect working order. The only way for it to fail to work, is if someone destroyed the other end of the link it is entangled with.”


  “What are you saying, exactly, Smittum?”

  “Sir, someone has cut off communication from this ship to base. We no longer have a comm link with the Guide.” Nikki cut it off, and said, “That explains why they didn’t call for help.”

  Steve said, “Sounds like a bit much, for putting the moves on the General’s daughter.”

  I replied, “I’d bet a half ounce of gold that the Captain there is one of Nikki’s distant cousins, and the General was a Rottum.”

  Nikki said, “I bet you’re right, Caveman. I’ve got a few more relevant pieces of video, let’s see what else we can learn.”

  Nikki put up another scene of the Captain in his ready room. The lady with him was apparently his XO. She said, “Why do you think we’ve been marooned like this, Captain?”

  “We got this mission because I made a pass at the General’s daughter, without knowing who she was. I can’t imagine all this is because of that.”

  “Wait a minute! Are you talking about General Rottum, Captain Slongum?”

  “You mean that silly old feud? Wasn’t that forgotten years ago?”

  “Apparently not, since here we sit.”

  Nikki said, “You were right, Caveman.”

  I replied, “She didn’t have any more proof than we do. She just thought it was the way to bet.”

  “I have one more piece that looks important. There’s bunches more we could watch, but I don’t think we need it to get the idea.”

  “Whatever you think best.”

  It was a meeting in what appeared to be the galley. The XO was speaking. “We’ve been able to construct suspension chambers from spare parts, and parts we were able to print. We’re one short, so someone will have to stay awake, then wake the next in line, and so on.”

  The Captain spoke up. “That won’t be necessary. I got us into this mess, it’s only right I pay for it.”

  The XO said, “Captain, the beds will be able to correct our aging. The time spent awake won’t be a problem.”

  “We both know, XO, that your plan causes a great deal of stress on the beds, waking people up and changing them around. The odds for everyone are much better if you all take a bed and stay in it.” The Captain drew his sidearm, and aimed at the XO. “No one will try and stop me. That is an order. Do you all understand?”