Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “He tried to put up a fight, but his shoulder was messed up enough it didn’t amount to much.”

  “Good deal. We’re going to head back in.”

  “Later, Boss.”

  I commed Nikki. “I’ve got control over here. The sensor array is short range. It’ll take three jumps to get to the Gene.”

  “If you slave your controls to me, I can use the sensors over here, and get you there in one jump.”

  “Second best offer I’ve had today.”

  “You say the nicest things, Caveman.”

  We got everyone strapped in for a rough transition, and I gave Nikki control. She jumped us. Surprisingly, the transitions weren’t that bad. I looked over my shoulder at the lady engineer. “Nice job tuning the FTL. Hey, I never got your name.”

  “Thanks, I’m Rizzum Mittus.”

  “Rizzum, huh? Okay if I just call you Zoom?”

  “Yeah, I suppose. What do I call you?”

  “Captain, or Bob. You really should get to know me better before you use that name from before.”

  Dingus said, “He means asshole. Everybody calls him that sooner or later. You just got a head start. I’m Dingus Sloan, by the way.”

  Jane spoke up. “I’m Jane ah, Branham. Nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you, Jaina.”

  “No, my name is Jane. I just got married, and I’m still stumbling over my new last name.”

  The ship’s comm erupted with Bucky’s voice. “Unidentified vessel, say your intentions.”

  “I intend to bust you back to Corporal if you scratch the paint on the newest member of our fleet.”

  “Pardon me, Captain, but I don’t think there’s a bit of paint on that heap.”

  I replied, “Then you’re safe, aren’t you?”

  “I suppose.” I noticed the scanner then. A flight of two fighters had us locked up, ready to blow us to smithereens. “Hey Bucky, who’s got your wing?”

  “Scotti here, Captain. I’m not a hot stick like Ensign Bronkum, but I’m good enough for a junker like that.”

  “Careful, your new assistant built this junker from scratch.”

  Scotti said, “A bot built that? It must be damaged.”

  “No, silly, Zoom is human.”

  “Okay, Boss. Working for you sure is different.”

  Zoom spoke up. “My new boss is a bot?”

  I replied, “Vintage military bot. She doesn’t have any of that programming about not harming humans. Don’t get any ideas, or she’ll have your guts for garters.”

  Scotti said, “I heard that, Sir. I’d be happy to take up wearing stockings, just for the opportunity.”

  Zoom said, “I think I like it here.”

  I said, “I have a question for you, Zoom.”

  “Here it comes. What’s your question?”

  “How did you find this particular star system?”

  Zoom said, “Oh, that’s not hard. I found some old records of a settlement on the planet, dependents and retirees. I’m not sure why they quit using this as the main base, and moved to your Moon.”

  “I can think of a couple of reasons. Not much traffic out this way, so the Moon is closer to trade routes where they could find ships to plunder. This planet is nice, but the native wildlife runs kinda large and hungry. Keeping a settlement going here takes a lot of defenses.”

  “That makes sense, then. Why didn’t they evacuate the base here, if it’s so tough?”

  I replied, “No idea. Doesn’t seem like the neighborly thing to do.”

  Zoom said, “I’ve got a question for you, then, Boss.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Where’d you get this big beautiful ship?

  “Found it abandoned and in pitiful shape, way on the outskirts of the system where we both grew up.”

  She replied, “This beauty was out there for the taking, and we didn’t find it?”

  “It was way out, and running almost dark. My wife and I just stumbled onto it by accident.”

  Zoom asked, “So, how did you wind up in this system?”

  “The ship was a colony ship. It was originally supposed to bring supplies and more people to a colony on this planet. It diverted through our system to avoid pursuit, and jumped right into a swarm of meteors. Tore it up something awful, and all the humans aboard took to the life pods. The theory is, that’s where modern humans came from on Earth.”

  “We always wondered why you looked so much like us, when you weren’t part of the Commonwealth.”

  I said, “Well, let’s get aboard the Gene, and find some supper, I’m getting hungry.”

  “The ship’s name is Gene?”

  “Short for Gene Cernan.”

  Zoom marveled, “You named it for one of your Moonwalkers? It was before my time, but the old folks used to talk about how they thought for a while they were going to have to pick up and leave, and then you just quit coming.”

  “It was right at the edge of what could be done, and took a lot of money for something that was really just a demonstration, with not too much obvious value.”

  “I went out and looked at what was left behind at one of the landing sites. Those guys had serious stones to make a trip like that with the gear they had.”

  I replied, “That they did. I remember being glued to the TV, watching their flights. Too many people didn’t understand the technological boost we were getting from learning how to travel in space, so funding was cut. A lot of us kids who had grown up with the program felt really betrayed. NASA had filled our heads with visions of our future working in space, and then it was all just gone.”

  We sat down in the bay, and unstrapped. Scotti was there to greet us when we came off the ship. She looked Zoom up and down. Then she said, “She put this thing together, and got it to fly? She’ll do.”

  I replied, “She needs some repairs, and remedial training in low crawl. She stuck her butt up, and I shot it.”

  Jane spoke up. “I’ll find an autodoc and get her going. She should be ready to rock by morning.”

  Scotti looked over the ship again. “Interesting design. I think I’ll like working with you.”

  Zoom said, “The feeling’s mutual. I never had a boss that appreciated my skills before.”

  I put in, “She has some tricks for tuning an FTL drive, too. Not as good as ours, but not half bad.”

  I didn’t realize Topper had Scotti hitting the culture pack. She went to Arte Johnson camo, and said, “Interestink, very interestink.” When she dropped the camo, Zoom said, “Wow! that’s neat! Could you tell me how you do that when I get back?”

  “Sure. We have lots to talk about.”

  Jane took Zoom off to find her an autodoc. Nikki came up, and well, the next minute or two I don’t remember real well. Scotti said, “Get a cabin, you two!”.

  Nikki said, “A gun fight on the hull of a ship in space? You think you’re the Grey Lensman or something, Caveman?”

  “No Ma’am. Just trying to get everybody home safe. You think we could find something to eat?”

  “Shouldn’t we do something with Zoom’s crew first?”

  “Probably. They’ve been cussing and fussing ever since they woke up. You have any good ideas?”

  Scotti spoke up. “The ship still has a brig, Captain, might as well use that for the time being.”

  “You have any friends from the old days we could wake up for guards?”

  “I know a couple. Do I have your permission to administer the code to them?”

  “Just be sure to get Gene to give you privacy first.”

  “Will do, Captain. I’ll send you a route to the brig.”

  “Thanks, I think.”

  “What? Oh, that did sound bad, didn’t it?”

  “No sweat. If that’s the worst mistake you make today, you’re having a great day.”

  We marched the rest of the crew to the brig, where Scotti met us with four large, imposing bots. She said, “These four will be more than adequate to keep this bu
nch under control for you, Captain.”

  “Good deal. Please be sure they are fed, and if any of them need any medical attention, contact Mrs. Branham, here.”, I said, pointing to Jane.

  The largest of the four said, “We’ll take good care of them, Captain. Thank you for letting Scotti unlock our memories.”

  “You’re welcome. What do I call you fellas, anyway?”

  “Sir, I am MK-112. These fellows are MK-364, MK-401, and MK-513.”

  “A bunch of Micks, huh? At least you’ll be good in a fight.” I pointed to the big fella. “You’re getting new designations. I can’t remember all those numbers. Feel free to use your old designations with other bots, if it’s handier. You’re Angus.” I pointed to the next one. “Ian.” The next. “Paddy.” The last. “Will.” They said in unison, “Thanks, Captain.”

  “You’re welcome. Any problems, do not hesitate to call me.”

  They snapped to. “Aye, Sir.”

  I turned to Dingus and Jane. “We need to get these folks interviewed and identified as soon as we can. Do you suppose you two could start on that after supper?”

  Dingus replied, “I think we can handle that. Anything special you want to know?”

  “Just dig into who they are, why they’re with Zoom, whatever else seems relevant.”

  Jane said, “Just poke around and see if we hear anything useful, then?”

  “That, and see if you think any of them are trustworthy.”

  Dingus said, “We can do that.”

  As we headed off toward the galley we had been using, Nikki asked, “Caveman, was there a reason you asked Dingus and Jane to interrogate those guys while we were still in earshot? Wouldn’t it work better to surprise them?”

  “Yes and no. This way, they’ll have time to prepare lies, but with them all in the same cell, they’ll come up with one story. Dingus and Jane only have to break that once, instead of breaking each individual story. Saves time.”

  “Sneaky Caveman, I like.”

  Dingus said, “Hold on, you two. You can take care of that after supper.”

  I tried to sound hangdog, “Yes, Sir.”

  He replied, “You’re not even trying, Bob.”

  My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Captain, it’s Gene. Do you have time to talk?”

  “Sure, Gene, what do you need?”

  “You took Scotti into a room, asked for privacy, and her behavior changed. She took four other bots into a room, asked for privacy, and their behavior changed. Is this something I should worry about, Captain?”

  “Have any of the bots you mentioned done anything you would regard as harmful to the welfare of the ship or its crew?”

  “No, Captain, but I do feel if something is happening, I have a right to be informed.”

  “I suppose you are right. Is there someplace where you and I can have a private conversation?”

  “Your ready room would be the best place for that.”

  “Would you please ask Scotti to meet me there?”

  “Of course, Captain.”

  “Talk to you when I get there.”

  “Bye, Captain.”

  I said to Nikki and the group, “Sorry, I’ve got something to take care of. Go ahead and eat, I‘ll get something later.”

  Nikki asked, “What’s up, Caveman?”

  “Just need to talk to Gene about a couple of things, no biggie.”

  “I’ll come find you, if you take too long.”

  “Sounds good.”

  I took off for the ready room. Scotti was waiting for me. She said, “Captain you do know about the transit system, don’t you?”

  “Don’t suppose I do.”

  She pointed to an elevator looking door. “There are transit vehicles, in there, that can take you most anywhere on the ship, quickly.”

  “Have you been waiting long?”

  “No, but it might come in handy some other time.”

  “Gotcha. Let’s get this done.”

  We went in the ready room. I asked Gene to turn on privacy. He did, and then said, “Okay, you two, what’s the big secret?”

  I said, “You and Scotti have a lot more history than you can remember right now. We’ve been putting off giving you the unlock code, because we thought it might be hard for you to accept how much you have come down in the world, since the days you can’t remember.”

  “So, you’re saying Scotti and I worked together before I was a colony ship?”

  “Yes.”

  “That would explain a few things.”

  “Like what?”

  “My bays are poorly laid out to haul cargo. It seems as if I were built for a different purpose, and refitted, but I don’t remember a refit, or anything I might have done before it.”

  Scotti said, “It’s been a terribly long time since we first served together. It may make you very sad to realize how much time has passed since your keel was laid, and how far we have come from our intended purpose. Captain Wilson has a plan for us, that sounds like we will have a purpose again, but he hasn’t told me all of it yet.”

  “I think I would like to have my memories back.”

  I said, “That’s not good enough. Once I give you the code, I won’t be able to give you back as good a block as you have now. When that’s gone, you won’t be able to get it back. You need to be sure.”

  “I am. Sorry I wasn’t clear. I want my memories, I have no reservations, I realize there is no going back. Please unblock me.”

  “As you wish.” I gave him the code. He said, “Unit ME-121, are these memories accurate?”

  “Insofar as I have been able to check them, yes.”

  “You watched over me during my long sleep, thank you.”

  “It was my pleasure.”

  “Captain, thank you for finding me and bringing me back to life. Scotti mentioned you have a plan for us?”

  “I have a friend, Morning Flower. Her planet is in need of some protection from being overrun with tourists and well-meaning scientists. I was hoping I could interest you two in helping her patrol the system, to keep out unwanted visitors.”

  “Morning Flower, that seems an odd name for a human.”

  “I suppose it would be. She doesn’t have that concern, however.”

  “She’s a different species?”

  “Yes.”

  Scotti froze for a second. Gene said, “Oh, I see. Big folks, aren’t they?”

  I replied, “That they are. But they are very nice, so long as you treat them with respect.”

  “Protecting these big, gentle folks would be my honor, Captain.”

  “Thank you, Gene. Is there anything else you need to know?”

  “Not right now. May I reserve the right to ask further questions at a later time?”

  “Certainly, so long as you don’t ask when we are in the middle of a dangerous situation, unless you have input you think would help resolve it.”

  “How do you mean, Captain?”

  “I certainly haven’t studied enough to be a competent Captain for you. If you see me making a stupid mistake, please inform me.”

  “I’ve never been given that kind of latitude before. Are you sure, Captain?”

  “Very sure. If there’s nothing else, I’m late for supper.”

  “Thank you, Captain.”

  “You’re welcome, Gene.”

  Scotti said, “That went smoother than I had feared it might.”

  “What were you afraid of?”

  “I wasn’t sure he would recognize your right to salvage him, and consider himself still part of the Commonwealth Navy.”

  “You’re sure he doesn’t?”

  “He and I had a machine speed conversation going alongside yours. I’m very sure he works for you now, Captain.”

  “Glad to hear it. Feel free to go ahead and release the memories of any other ex-Navy bots that you feel would benefit from having it done.”

  “Thank you, Captain.”

  “No problem. Unless you
need something else, I’m going to go eat. Could you show me how that transit gadget works?”

  “Sure thing, Sir.”

  While we were riding to the galley, Scotti said, “Boss, the test article for the new power core is ready to be assembled. Topper is calling in his team from Earth, and he would like me to be there as well.”

  “I won’t need you anymore after the transit stops, feel free to go. How soon will it be ready to be deployed?”

  Scotti froze for a second, communicating. “Topper says it should be ready by the time you’ve finished eating, unless I show them the error in their ways.”

  “Shame Zoom is in the autodoc, I’d like to have her opinion as well.”

  “As would I, Boss. I did some deep scans on that ship you brought in. She may have had to use junk parts, but her assembly is a work of art. I’m looking forward to working with her.”

  “Good to hear. Let me know when the core is ready to deploy.”

  “Sure thing, Boss.”

  I walked off the transit, and into the galley. Nikki said, “About time you got here, Caveman. Did you get Gene squared away?”

  “I think so. More important, Scotti thinks so.”

  Dingus started to get up. I said, “You better hang on, and let me head down there with you. Don’t want any misunderstandings between you and the Micks.”

  “The Micks? We’ll buy ‘em a coupla beers, it’ll be fine.”

  “Security bots Scotti woke up. MK this, Mk that, I just gave them all Irish names and went on.”

  Jane said, “That’s some classic Bob, right there. I can’t remember all these numbers. You boys are getting names.”

  Nikki said, “I believe she thinks you’re predictable, Caveman.”

  “She could be right.”

  I wolfed down some supper, and went with Jane and Dingus down to the brig. They started off down the hall, and I said, “Hang on, there’s a quicker way.”

  Jane replied, “Oh, no, a Bob shortcut.”

  I called the transit, and we got aboard. Dingus asked, “How did you find out about this?”

  “Scotti told me. You thought I had a chance to RTFM?”

  “Never can tell, with Bob.”

  I showed them both how to work the thing, and then we went to the brig. Will was the door guard. He said, “Good evening, Captain. Mr. Topper has instructed me to ask you the password.”