Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “Me too. I would have been there all afternoon.”

  They flew in the other gate, and it went up just as slick. When they pushed the gates shut, and latched them, a cheer went up. Suddenly, we lost audio. I asked, “Topper, what happened?”

  “Boss, the cheer is too loud. The software won’t let it through.”

  “It’s good to be appreciated.”

  After a minute or two, the sound level dropped to something it would let through. Nikki was hollering into the mike. “Caveman, did you hear that? The whole colony is dancing and celebrating.”

  “Nope. It was too loud. The software cut it off.”

  “Really? That’s a shame. Captain Bob and his crew are their new heroes.”

  “Aw, c’mon. I just have the right tools for the job, and a crew of bots that know how to use them well. I just sat back and watched, mostly.”

  “You would have a hard time convincing them of that.”

  “How bad is the statue?”

  “Gleaming hull metal, twice life size, in your Captain Kangaroo uniform.”

  “Does this mean I have to start calling my rifle Vera?”

  “Only if I get to call you Jayne.”

  I don’t believe I’m that Mal-adjusted.”

  Nikki quit talking, and I thought something was wrong, until I looked up at the screen. The ship she had flown down was landing, and she had come to attention. The bot who had flown it came down the ladder out of the cockpit. Nikki snapped him a parade ground salute. He came to attention and returned it. Then he walked over and said, “You may have your ship back, Ma’am.”

  Nikki replied, “Ain’t no way that’s my ship. That’s your ship. I just ferried it down here for you. I’ve never seen flying like that. You rock!”

  “That sort of precision flying is easier when you have stepper motors instead of muscles. No fatigue twitches to throw you off.”

  “Regardless, you have a level of mastery that is a joy to behold. Are you by any chance rated for FTL?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, but I’m not current on the new stuff the Captain’s research team has been playing with.”

  “I think we could get that fixed easily enough. Are you cargo or crew?”

  “I’ve been meaning to ask someone about that. I am cargo, but I’m also ex-Navy. Is there a way to get transferred to crew?”

  “It probably would have been easier before you put on that show for the whole colony. I doubt they’re going to want to let you go.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that. I was more thinking of it as an audition for the crew.”

  “It worked for that. I haven’t spoken to my husband yet, but I’m sure he’ll want you on the crew if he can get you.”

  “Your husband?”

  She turned and pointed at the statue. He said, “You’re Mrs. Wilson? The pilot who rescues craft from ridiculous tumbles? I should be saluting you.”

  “I do alright, for a human. I’m not in your league, though.”

  “I’m not as good as you think. Most of it comes from knowing how to use the stabilizers on that boat to your best advantage.”

  “It sounds to me like you have a lot of specialized knowledge that we need. Would you mind coming up to have a talk with the Captain and some of his people?”

  “No, Ma’am. That sounds very interesting. Could I bring my crew chief, as well?”

  “Please do.”

  Our camera feed showed Nikki gathering up the people and bots she had flown down with, while the pilot and his crew chief got back aboard the ship. Next, lo we saw Nikki on her comm, when she realized she hadn’t hung up with me. I heard, “Sorry, Caveman. I forgot I had you on the line.”

  “No biggie, we got to listen to you talking to the pilot. I’m going to wind up trading them something I don’t want to, if I want to keep him, but I don’t see any way it’s in our best interest to leave here without him.”

  “You’ll figure it out. I need to go find Steve. Talk to you later.”

  “Later, Space Cadet.”

  Topper said, “There’s a call I think you should take, Sir.”

  “Who is it?”

  “Abe.”

  “Put him on.”

  “Mr. Topper?”

  “No, Abe, this is Captain Wilson. What can I do for you?”

  “Sorry to bother you, Captain. I meant to call Mr. Topper.”

  “You did. He put you on with me, I’m not sure why.”

  “Well, you see Sir, the reason I called is that I want to see about staying on the planet. I’ve had a long hitch out in the black, and I’d like to stay somewhere there are people I can help.”

  “I understand, Abe. I’m sure we can work out a way for you to stay with the colony. I’ve already heard from someone wanting to switch the other way. “

  “Thank you, Sir. I didn’t think it would be so easy to go groundside.”

  “Abe, the last thing I need is a bot working for me who doesn’t want to be here. Nobody can fault your dedication to the Gene Cernan. You did all you were able, before you shut yourself down. You’ve been amazing since we woke you up. You’ve earned a change of job, if that’s what you want.”

  “Thank you for understanding, Sir. It’s been a pleasure and an honor serving under you.”

  “The honor is mine, Abe. Thank you for your service. Gene, do you want to add anything?”

  “Goodbye, old friend. Thank you for your faithful service.”

  Abe replied, “Goodbye, Gene. Fly safe.”

  Topper said, “He cut the connection.”

  I replied, “I don’t guess I can put this off much longer. Get me the head of the colony.”

  Topper messed with his console. “Sorry, Boss. The best I can do right now is the deputy. The head guy went into the autodocs with the last group. He won’t be available till sometime tomorrow.”

  “Should have guessed that. Give me the deputy, then.”

  “Wazzum Gallus, how may I help you?”

  “Ms. Gallus, this is Bob Wilson. I need to speak with someone about the disposition of some bots, would you be that person?”

  “Till Dad wakes up tomorrow, I suppose I am. What can I do for you?”

  “As you may know, there are three different groups of bots working here. There are a small group I brought with me from Earth, bots who are crew of the Gene Cernan, and bots who were cargo, destined for your colony. Lately, I’ve been getting requests from some of the bots in the second two groups to change status. Some crew are ready to settle down on a planet, and get out of the black, and some of the cargo want to join up with the Gene. I’d like to know how you would want to handle those situations.”

  “Mister, ah, I mean Captain, Wilson, you and your team have already saved this colony from near certain destruction, and given us hope for the future. I, and I’m nearly certain Dad, when he wakes up, will be more than happy with any arrangement you come up with. Before Phonelia landed, we had no hope of ever being resupplied. Now you come with our long-lost supplies, and fight off a coordinated attack of rippers and thunder bears, and you’re worried about giving us a fair shake on which bots you leave us? That’s so far down on our list of priorities as to be invisible, from where I stand.”

  “I see your point. I’ll just do my best to get the bots where they want to be, then.”

  “There is one thing, Captain.”

  “Of course, there always is.”

  “We would very much appreciate it if you would come down and let us show you our appreciation, say tomorrow supper?”

  “I’d be happy to. Anything we should bring?”

  “I’ve heard rumors of a band?”

  “I think we can make that happen. They’re all forward thinking types, I’m sure they’ve got their instruments stashed around here somewhere.”

  “That sounds wonderful. See you then.”

  “See you tomorrow.”

  After the connection was cut, I turned to Topper. “Well, Topper, you have your first gig. You and the band are pl
aying at the celebration tomorrow night.”

  “But, Boss, we didn’t pack our instruments, regardless of how much faith you might have in our foresight.”

  “I guess you better get to programming printers, then, hadn’t you?”

  “Yes, Sir. Another call for you, sir.”

  “Captain Wilson.”

  “Captain, this is Zoom. That ship you had us get ready is going to be departing soon. Did you want to see it off?”

  “I do. I’ll be there shortly. Mr. Topper, you have the conn.”

  “Aye, Sir, I have the conn.”

  I hit the transit, and got to the launch bay before Bucky and Steve left. Then I saw the reason. Zoom was delaying them with some bogus maintenance issue. I said, “Well done, Zoom. You may stow your scam.”

  “Thank you Captain. Mr. Mason is hard to fool.”

  “I’m surprised you managed it.”

  “More like I fooled Ensign Bronkum enough she didn’t listen to him.”

  “Whatever works, Zoom.”

  “Aye, Captain.”

  Steve said, “You could have just asked us to wait.”

  “Where’s the fun in that? Besides, I wanted to see what Zoom would come up with.”

  Bucky said, “You, Sir, are an experience to work with.”

  “How’s your pilot?”

  “I’m happy with her, Sir.”

  “I expect her to have a name when I see you again at Charlie’s Planet.”

  “Yes, Sir. You want us to wait for you at Charlie’s Planet, then?”

  “Well, I expect there will still be saucers that need to be recovered, and things to keep you busy, and I don’t expect to be too far behind you, by the time you fly all the way to Earth and back. Hopefully, by the time you arrive, we’ll have training courses for the new spacecraft, that you can start Morning Flower and her pilots on.”

  Steve said, “So, we are to ferry Knocks Hard and Falling Rain to Charlie’s Planet, assist in recovery operations, and begin training the Starfoot Navy, in anticipation of the arrival of the Gene Cernan?”

  “Was there something else you thought you should do while you were out and about?”

  “No, Boss. I think that will keep us busy.”

  “I know what’s going to keep you busy. That’s why I assigned you such a good pilot.”

  Bucky said, “Steven, dear, I believe you have been busted.”

  “Yes, dear, I believe that I have. Wasn’t it generous of the Captain to assign us a pilot?”

  “It was indeed. We should do something nice for him, like getting out of his hair before he changes his mind.”

  “Good idea. See you later, Captain.”

  “Fly safe, you two.”

  They boarded and took off. I headed back toward the bridge. Gene came over the intercom. “Captain, I’ve been asked to inform you that your presence is requested in the conference room on the bridge deck.”

  “Any idea what the meeting is about, Gene?”

  “The pilot from the wall raising is going to be in attendance, so I would assume it has to do with his transfer to the crew.”

  “Thanks, Gene.”

  The meeting was mostly assembled when I got there. They all stood to as I entered. “As you were. Ensign Wilson, you called this meeting, please proceed.”

  “Mr. Topper, Ms. Ruth, are you connected?”

  “We are, Ma’am.”

  “Let’s proceed, then. We are here to discuss changing the status of units AC-796 and HP-1015 from cargo to crew. Captain, have you discussed the matter with the colony?”

  “I have. The leader of the colony is apparently in the autodoc until tomorrow, but earlier, I spoke with his deputy, who is also his daughter. She said I was free to dispose of the bots as I saw fit, she was confident I wouldn’t leave them short. I also spoke with Abe, who has decided to remain with the colony, rather than staying on the Gene.”

  “So, the issue is whether we would accept AC-796 and HP-1015 as crew members?”

  “Seems to be.”

  Topper spoke up. “Ma’am, Sir, I’m afraid I must strenuously object at this point.”

  Nikki asked, “Mr. Topper, what is your objection?”

  “While these two bots would make fine additions to the crew of Gene Cernan, it is my contention that we have more need of these two in the Captain’s personal crew. You, Ma’am, are our best pilot. In another couple of months, your ability to fly rescues and recoveries is going to be compromised. Ruth is a good pilot, but she certainly doesn’t have the lifting and recovery skill these fellows have. With two or three of us cargo bots for muscle, these two could run rescue ops by themselves, leaving the medical work to be performed at base.”

  I replied, “Those are good points, Topper. We must however, accommodate the wishes of these two fellows. I have yet to hear either one of them express a desire to become part of the home crew.”

  AC-796 raised an arm. “Captain, if I may?”

  “Certainly.”

  “The reason you haven’t heard either of us express a desire to join your personal crew, is that we had no idea such a thing was possible. We just didn’t want to get stuck here, hauling meat and rock.”

  “So, you’re okay with going back to Earth, and flying rescues and recoveries?”

  “We’ve never done that kind of work before, but we’re willing to try.”

  “I could give you a taste of our kind of work, if you don’t like it, you can always stay with the Gene. Ruth is a good pilot. With a little practice, she’ll be good enough for our work. We’ll be going to a planet with plenty of recovery work after we finish here. You two can try it while we are there, and decide whether you want to stay with it, or find different work.”

  “That’s more fair than we have any right to expect, Sir. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. There is one other small matter, however.”

  “What’s that, Sir?”

  “I’m terrible at remembering numbers. Would the two of you accept alternate designations while you’re working with us?”

  “You’re offering us names, Sir? Of course, we would accept names. Among the bots, it is considered an honor to be named by the Captain.”

  “Whatever you say, Ace. Let’s see, HP-1015. Does Hopper suit you?”

  HP-1015 spoke up. “Yes, Sir, it does.”

  Ace asked. “So, I am to be called Ace?”

  “Yes. It is a title of respect given to expert pilots on my planet. I think it fits.”

  “Thank you, Sir.”

  Nikki spoke up. “If there’s nothing else?”

  No one raised any other issues. She said, “Good enough. Meeting adjourned.”

  Dingus walked up to me. “Bob, you handled that pretty slick. I think you’re getting the hang of this captain job.”

  “Topper scared the crap out of me when he objected. I had no idea what was in that bot’s mind.”

  “Yet you managed to come to a solution that seems to be acceptable to all the parties.”

  “I’m sure I’ll get an earful from Topper the next time he and I are on the bridge together.”

  “I don’t think so. If he had a problem with it, he would have brought it up in the meeting. He’s probably on the horn to Charlie, to see what interesting rescues they have left, so he can make sure Ace and Hopper enjoy their trial run.”

  “You know, that does sound more like Topper. Be advised, I expect you at the party at the colony tomorrow night. If I have to show up, so do you.”

  “Wait, doesn’t somebody have to go make contact with Zoom’s people tomorrow? I might not be back till late.”

  “We’ll all go, in the morning, and we’ll all be back in time for the party. Understood?”

  “Understood, Captain.”

  He wandered off, and Nikki came up. “What did Grandpa want?”

  “To get out of the party tomorrow night.”

  “What party?”

  “The party the colony is throwing to celebrate the new wall. You had
n’t heard about it?”

  “No, I hadn’t. How did you?”

  “I was talking to the deputy head of the colony about changing bot assignments, and she brought it up.”

  “It’s a little odd she didn’t say anything while we were on the surface.”

  “You don’t think she’s trying to take your job, like that receptionist?”

  “I don’t think so, but I’ll look at the tape of her talking with you, just to be sure.”

  “Maybe I misunderstood the invitation. I thought it was for the whole crew.”

  “I dunno, but I’ll straighten it out for you. Let’s go find something to eat. Your son has your appetite.”

  “I’m thinking that’s your daughter.”

  “No, she’s a demure little thing, like her Mother. Hardly any appetite at all.”

  “And you claim my eyes must be brown. You must have a portal to another dimension hidden somewhere, to be that full of it, no bigger than you are.”

  “You don’t think I’m demure?”

  “Beautiful, skilled, the woman I want to have my back, oh yeah. Shy, retiring, reserved, not a chance. Save that for somebody who hasn’t seen you fly.”

  “Dangit, I thought I had you that time, and you still managed to turn it around into a compliment. You’re frustrating, Caveman!”

  “Likewise, I’m sure. Let’s see what’s for supper.”

  Sally was running the galley. Phonelia’s crew apparently didn’t make the grade as kitchen help, as they were sitting at the table looking forlorn. I said, “Evening, gentlemen. How goes the new project?”

  Mingus said, “Lost colonies take a different approach. We’re still testing ideas against the data for this planet. We have a couple of programs in testing that look promising, but nothing so far is good enough to spend time chasing down leads.”

  “Keep after it, I have faith in you two. There was a lot more data on castaways to work from. So far, we only have the one lost colony to test your method against. That can’t be helping.”

  Rangolus said, “No, Sir, it isn’t. We’re trying to decide which aspects are specific to this colony, and which ones are more general. With no other examples to go from, we can’t have much confidence in our choices.”

  Nikki spoke up. “I know it’s not exactly the same situation, but if you stretch your definition a little, Earth could qualify as a lost colony, couldn’t it?”