Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “Maybe you should be proactive and get John’s friend who wasn’t there to keep them too busy with computer glitches to worry about it.”

  “Maybe I should. Sounds better than hoping for the best, anyway.”

  “Were you just calling to let me know about the cattle, or did you need something else?”

  Max replied, “I hadn’t heard from you in a while, just thought I better check in.”

  “Well, we found the planet we were looking for. High oxygen levels, megafauna, it’s a wild place. Got here just in time to save the people we came to see from a massive animal attack. There’s another colony here, where the pirates used to live. The people they left behind are kinda strange. I did get a chance to hire that engineer that put together the pirate ships. She’s working out well, even if her job interview involved getting shot in the butt.”

  Max said, “I’m going to have to get someone else to tell me that story, so I can hear all the good parts.”

  “Oh, I did have a question for you. Our friend, the fan of Mr. Taylor? You did relocate him to the obvious place, didn’t you?”

  “Wow, Bob, you’re paranoid enough you don’t trust the comms? Yes, I did as you said.”

  I replied, “Considering the stakes, I thought it wise not to trust the comms, Max.”

  “Since you put it that way, I suppose you’re right. I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me why you need to know, are you?”

  “Don’t feel like the Lone Stranger. I didn’t tell your daughter either.”

  “You found something touchy enough you don’t want anyone reporting it to Guide headquarters? I think I’m happier not knowing.”

  I said, “I’m sure I would be, but it’s too late now.”

  “How long will you be there?”

  “I’ve lost track, to tell you the truth. Three or four days, I think.”

  “What’s taking so long?”

  “Scotti and Topper are running tests on Frank’s new power core out in the outer system, while we’re in the boonies anyway, and we found a Guide crew who had to hit the ‘docs, while we’re printing them out a new drive.”

  “What did they have to say when you woke them up?”

  “We didn’t. We’re going to fix their ship, and set their autodocs to wake them up after we’re gone. It seemed easier than trying to explain the Gene.”

  Max asked, “The Gene? What is that?”

  “Oh, that’s right, you haven’t heard. We named the ship after Gene Cernan. He was a moonwalker.”

  “You named a colony ship after a famous explorer? Kind of makes sense, I guess.”

  I said, “She didn’t start out life as a colony ship, but if you want all the details on that, you probably better call your daughter on the secure line.”

  “How much Secret Squirrel crap did you stumble into out there, Bob?”

  I answered, “A metric shitload, Max. Seems like every day there’s something new to worry about.”

  Max said, “As much as it burns to say it, I can’t think of any other team I’d rather have handling it. You folks are the best when stuff goes sideways.”

  “Thanks, Max. That means a lot coming from you.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ll talk to you later, Bob.”

  “Bye, Max.”

  I was on my way out the door, when my comm rang again. Luckily, I thought to look at the caller ID this time. “Hi, Mike.”

  “Hi, Bob. Just called to let you know we found out that one of the pirate dependents we let go managed to cobble a ship together. You might want to keep an eye out.”

  “When I see her, I’ll tell her you were asking about her.”

  “What?”

  I said, “She works for me now.”

  “That must have been some job interview.”

  “Naa. I only had to shoot her in the butt once.”

  Mike said, “I’m sure I don’t want to know, but that must be a heck of a story.”

  “Not so much. She’s stunner resistant. I had to get her to stop shooting, so I could offer her a job.”

  Mike marveled, “You ended a gunfight with a job offer? Only you, Bob, only you.”

  I answered, “You know I’ve been wanting to hire her since the first time I saw a ship she built. Finally got the chance, so I took it.”

  “So, she’s working for you without protest?”

  “Mostly she grins from ear-to-ear. Likes all the cool toys we have to play with. I’ve got a question, while I’ve got you on the line. Do you know of any colonies looking for people, and not too picky? I’ve got the folks that were riding with Zoom, and some other ladies that are just out of being abused, and I need a place to settle them.”

  Mike said, “Zoom, you say? Free nickname with every visit, huh? I don’t know of any colonies like that right off the top of my head, but I’ll check around and send you a text. The Major says he’s looking forward to paintball again.”

  “Dingus and the Major may have to be team captains. I’m not sure I’ll be back by then. I’ve got a lot of things going right now.”

  Mike asked, “Where are you, Bob? You’re not sure you’ll be back in time for paintball?”

  I said, “Well, I’d rather not say where I am right now. Fact of the matter is, you’d have to ask Nikki. I never saw the coordinates when we flew in. When we finish up here, we’ve got to go by that other place we were talking about, and that may take a few days, so I’m not sure when we’re getting back. I hope to be back in time for paintball, but I can’t be sure yet.”

  Mike said, “Okay, I’ll pass that along. You know the Major will be curious what you’re up to.”

  “Tell him to cruise out to that planet we’ve not been talking about in a couple of weeks, and be sure to take extra underwear.”

  Mike replied, “That sounds a little ominous, Bob.”

  “You know Morning Flower. She won’t hurt you.”

  “I guess I’ll have to wait and see, but it must be impressive, whatever you’ve got cooking.”

  I replied, “Like nothing you’ve ever seen, I’ll bet.”

  “I don’t know about the Major, but you’ve got me curious.”

  “See you when we get in, Mike.”

  “Bye, Bob.”

  I got up, ready to go back to the bridge, when Gene came over the intercom. “Boss, Sally would like for you to come to the galley, please.” I looked at my watch. It was lunch time already. I said, “Sure thing Gene. Tell her thanks for the reminder.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  When I got to the galley, Greg gave me the flying hug. I said, “Hi, Short Stuff. They keeping you busy today?”

  “Not really, Uncle Bob. There aren’t any emergency cases to help with.”

  I said, “Emergency? Are you John or Roy? Your Dad is John, I guess that makes you Roy, doesn’t it?”

  “No, silly, I’m Greg. You know that.”

  “KMG365, then.”

  Greg said, “What? Did you fall and bump your head, Uncle Bob?”

  Jane said, “No, Greg, he’s just fine. We’ll show you what he’s talking about sometime when we get back home.”

  I looked up to see Dingus and Zoom trying hard not to look curious. Nikki was just coming up from her watch, smiling. Nunya was still hard at it, trying to figure out what in the heck I was talking about. I gave her a minute, and when she was beginning to look frustrated, I said, “Television show from the 1970’s, called Emergency.” She typed some more and said, “That looks like fun. I’ll have to watch it sometime.”

  Sally said, “If you’ll have a seat, Captain, I made you something special.” I sat down, and she brought a beautiful plate of open-faced roast beef. The gravy looked delicious, and the mashed potatoes had that yellow cast to them that shows they have enough butter. I said, “This looks delicious, Sally. Thank you.”

  She replied, “You’ve had a busy morning, and the rest of the day doesn’t look to get any better. You deserve it.”

  Nikki said, “I don’t know what
you two found, but Dad seemed to think it was a big deal, when he called to ask me about the Gene.”

  I replied, “Wish I could let you in on it, Sweetheart. Truly I do. I’d like to have your advice, but I just can’t put you in that position right now.”

  Dingus spoke up. “That’s why I’m not in the loop either, isn’t it? You found something you don’t want reported to Guide headquarters.”

  “Afraid so. It’s a pain in the butt. You know how much I depend on you two for advice and guidance. Doing without is driving me up the wall.”

  Zoom said, “What could be that important, that you wouldn’t want the Galactics to know about? We already found a lost colony, that wasn’t any big deal. We all know there’s more ships like Gene somewhere, so that can’t be it.”

  I said, “Please stop speculating. These two have both had Steve’s cold reading course. If you stumble on the right answer, they’ll be able to read it on my face. That wouldn’t be the best for anybody.”

  Jane said, “He’s right. No matter how hard he tries, if you get the right answer, they’ll know, and that wouldn’t be good.”

  Zoom said, “Sorry, I didn’t realize. I’m a little wound up today myself. Scotti came back from your meeting with a bunch of design changes for the new fighters, and we’ve been working through those.”

  “No harm done. Are you two coming down to the party this evening?”

  Nunya said, “Zoom is gonna be too busy, but they’re not down to the flunky work yet. Mind if I tag along?”

  “Not at all. You can keep an eye on Millus, and maybe hear a few things we grownups don’t.”

  “So, I can go to the party, as long as I work while I’m there?”

  I replied, “We’ll all be listening for anything that would give us a better idea of what this colony is all about, so don’t feel like you’re being singled out.”

  “Just giving you a hard time, Boss. You said I had to do that if I wanted to keep my name.”

  “So I did. Good work.”

  Nikki said, “What now? You told her she had to give you crap in order to keep being called Nunya? What kind of crazy Bob plan is that?”

  “I believe I said she had to keep giving me crap about naming her that. Being the ambitious young girl that she is, she’s taken initiative to expand the scope of her duty.”

  Dingus lost it. John and Jane were right behind him. When they quit laughing, Dingus said, “I swear, Bob, you manage to come up with ways to make anything seem like it was supposed to happen that way.”

  I replied, “What is, is. We can choose to enjoy it, or waste our time worrying about it.”

  Nikki said, “The wisdom of Bob. Somebody needs to be writing this down.” Gene came over the intercom. “I am, Ma’am, I am.”

  John said, “I can see it now, in a compact pocket edition, ‘The Wisdom of Bob, as recorded by B.S. Gene Cernan’. Available wherever inspirational books are sold.”

  I replied, “At least it’s not the Guru Bob action figure. ‘You can wind him up all you want. He’s still going to sit and meditate.’ Available now, wherever toys are sold.”

  Nunya said, “What’s an action figure?”

  Jane said, “A toy person that kids use to act out their adventures.”

  Nunya replied, “I thought those were dolls?”

  Greg said, “Nope! Girls play with dolls. Action figures are for boys. Who would want an action figure that just sits and medicates anyway?”

  John said, “Meditates, Greg. Sits and thinks about things. Medicates means to give somebody medicine.”

  Greg said, “Either way, it doesn’t sound like much fun.”

  Dingus said, “You’re right about that, Greg.”

  I had enjoyed about all of that I could stand, and I dug into Sally’s beautiful sandwich. It tasted even better than it looked. I said, “It’s a good thing you’re not human, Sally. I’d hate to choose between you and Nikki.”

  Sally replied, “You know how to butter a girl up, Boss. What is it you want?”

  “Make sure Scotti and Andre have free rein to implement whatever security precautions they think are necessary while we’re on the planet.”

  She asked, “Are you sure, Boss? Those two are at least as paranoid as you are.”

  “I have a bad feeling, Sally, and I can’t pin it down.”

  Nikki said, “What has you on edge, Caveman?”

  “Something about that call when she invited me gave me a funny vibe. Like I said, I can’t pin it down.”

  John said, “Are you sure it’s not just having to be in a crowd? I know how much you like parties.”

  I replied, “I’m nearly positive that’s part of it, but this is a little different, not like my usual party jitters.”

  Dingus said, “We’ll keep our eyes open.”

  I finished my lunch, and Sally brought me a slice of pie. I said, “Talk about buttering someone up. What is it you need, Sally?”

  “Just thanking you for giving us back our memories, Boss. Fly safe, none of us want to work for anybody else.”

  “Thanks, Sally. Fly safe yourself.”

  I finished up. On my way out, Nikki asked, “Where are you headed?”

  I answered, “To the bridge. Thought I’d check in before we had to get ready to leave. Could you make sure somebody tells me when to get ready?”

  “I think Sally already asked Gene to take care of that.”

  “I’m sure that she did, now that you mention it. See you after while.”

  “Bye, Bob.” We kissed, and I went on my way. I strode onto the bridge, and Topper sang out, “Captain on the bridge!” I answered, “As you were.”

  “Mr. Topper, what’s happening in our world today?”

  “Nothing out of the ordinary, Sir.”

  I asked, “Did you happen to watch the colony’s party preparations?”

  “I did. I was unable to detect snipers or any other sort of unfriendly preparations for your arrival.”

  “Have they erected a bandstand, or do we need to take our own?”

  “They have erected one, but there are some electronics under the stage I would very much like to have a look at before we take the stage.”

  I replied, “Bring Velma. She’ll be able to scope it out for you without being too obvious.”

  “Sounds good, Boss. Maybe she can hold up Ozzie’s drum kit during his solos, like Compressorhead.”

  I asked, “So, has our meeting this morning affected your outlook on life?”

  “I don’t feel as constrained as I did, Boss.”

  “So, if things go sideways down there, I can depend on you folks?”

  Topper replied, “Yes, Boss. Are you expecting that?”

  “I’m not, but it certainly wouldn’t surprise me if it happened.”

  “Murphy is our shepherd.”

  I said, “Indeed he is. I haven’t heard in a while. How is the power core test going?”

  “Smooth. It’s not done yet, but so far it’s running just as we want it to.”

  “No wobbles?”

  “None, Boss.”

  I asked, “So, Scotti is going to go ahead and put the new cores in Morning Flower’s fighters?”

  “She’s got the parts printing for them. The only thing that would change her mind at this point is if we had some sort of failure in the remaining part of the test.”

  “How much armament are those things going to be packing?”

  Topper replied, “She changed that up after our meeting. Now they’re getting a railgun and a laser, instead of two lasers. She said she remembered times when a railgun was the superior weapon.”

  “As long as she has the design finalized and a training course prepped before we go to FTL. We need to send it ahead of us, so Morning Flower and her people will be ready to try them out when we get there.”

  “She has most of it ready. She’ll put today’s changes in and ship it when the changes pass simulation testing.”

  “Sounds solid. Do you have anything
else for me?”

  Topper said, “The drive for that ship in the outer system is almost ready. Scotti found a few parts in storage she could use to speed things up.”

  I said, “That sounds good, but can those parts be traced back to the Gene, if someone gets curious?”

  “According to Scotti and Sally, the only copy of those records is aboard the headquarters ship that is still mothballed. The best they could do is figure out that the parts were made a long time ago.”

  “Good enough. I’ve enjoyed about all of this planet I can stand.”

  Sally came onto the bridge. She said, “Captain, it’s time for you to go get ready. Mr. Topper, may I have the conn?”

  Topper said, “The ship is yours, Ma’am.”

  A pilot came and relieved Ruth. I didn’t realize how hard Sally had been hitting the culture pack. As we left the bridge, she said, “Have fun storming the castle.” I managed to make it off the bridge before I giggled. Ruth said, “That was a good one, wasn’t it, Boss?”

  I replied, “Just about perfect. You folks are dangerous with a culture pack.” I should have known it was coming, but it caught me by surprise. Ruth and Topper cut down on an a cappella version of ‘Running with the Pack’. I said, “You guys always know how to cheer me up. Thanks.”

  When I got to the cabin, Nikki was just finishing up putting on her Guide dress uniform. She said, “Won’t be long before this is too snug in the middle.”

  I replied, “I’ll print you out a new uniform every day if I have to. Anything for you and the kids.”

  “You say the sweetest things, Caveman. As long as you don’t print ‘Goodyear’ up the side of it.”

  “But Hon, you look good in gray.”

  “I think I need my head examined. I wake up every morning, grateful that Bob’s my asshole.”

  I kissed her, and went to get ready. When we stepped out of the cabin, our driver was there. He said, “May I give you a ride to the Ronald Evans?”

  Nikki said, “Certainly. Thank you.”

  We climbed aboard, and he took off. He apparently knew where all the construction was, since we didn’t get detoured once. The bots snapping to and saluting as we went past caught me off guard. I know it’s not proper protocol, but I returned their salutes. They had worked hard to get the Gene back up and running, and I felt like they deserved some respect. When we got to the launch bay, there was someone who looked like the stereotypical airline pilot waiting to welcome us aboard. I said, “Nice camo, Ace.”