Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “Thanks, Boss. I hoped you would like it.”

  “Once you let us off, withdraw, and be ready for a hot extraction. I’ve got a bad feeling, and I don’t want to take any chances.”

  “Sounds good, Boss. I’ve got my fighters orbiting out far enough the colony won’t see them, but they can be on scene quickly.”

  “Good idea, but if this goes sideways, I’m afraid we’re going to be mixed in with the natives. I don’t know how much the fighters can accomplish.”

  “Don’t worry, Boss. My people can shoot a gnat in the right eye, while pulling six gees.”

  “I like the sound of that. Let’s get this show on the road.”

  We loaded up. Nunya saw me coming aboard and stood up. “Scotti wanted me to tell you that we haven’t finished that bigger autodoc yet. She didn’t think it was a priority until we got to the next planet, anyway. We put in two normal sized ones, instead.”

  “Sounds reasonable. I have yet to see any furry folks here. Thanks for letting me know, but John is the one who really needs that information.”

  “I already told him and Mrs. Branham.”

  “Good to see you’re on top of things, then. Is Millus excited about seeing her friend?”

  “She’s still worried about her Grandma, but I think this will be good for her. Get her mind off it for a while.”

  “I thought you were a kid. How did you get so grown up?”

  “I just think, ‘What would Zoom do?’, and then I’m okay.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Have a good time while we’re there, but keep your eyes open. We don’t know these folks all that well, yet.”

  “Yes, Boss. Murphy is our shepherd.”

  “That’s the spirit!”

  Ace came over the intercom. “Strap in, folks! We’re going to make an impression.”

  Once we were strapped down, I looked at Nikki. “Have you seen his flight plan?”

  “No, Caveman, I have not. Something tells me I like it better that way.”

  Very shortly, the ramp was coming down. Ace came back to stand beside it and thank us for flying Ace Air. I shook his hand and said, “I’ll want to watch the video of that landing, once we’re all safe aboard the Gene.”

  “It is probably better to wait, Boss. I think a few of the colonists had to retreat for clean undies.”

  “Fly safe, Ace.”

  “Always, Boss.”

  As we were heading over to the reception committee, I saw tracks appearing in the dirt. I said, in English, “Harder ground, Velma, you’re leaving tracks.”

  The tracks quit appearing, so I shifted my attention to our hosts. The fellow in front stepped out, and said, “Welcome, Captain Wilson! Thank you and your crew for saving our settlement. Please, come and let us show you our hospitality.”

  “Sounds good. I’m sorry, no one mentioned your name, Sir.”

  “Rikkum Gallus, glad to meet you. This is my daughter, Wazzum. I believe you spoke with her while I was in the autodoc? We’ve got a meal set out, if you want to eat while we wait for the band to get set up.”

  “Yes, let’s.”

  As we were heading to the table, I got a text from Velma that read, “All clear, Boss.”. I saw Topper and the band come down the ramp and move toward the bandstand. As soon as they were clear, the ramp raised, and Ace unassed the neighborhood. Wazzum said, “Your ship wasn’t hurting anything. You could have let it sit.”

  “Our pilot is happier when he’s airborne.”

  Rikkum said, “That was quite the entrance.”

  I replied, “He has the skills. it’s a shame not to let him use them.”

  Wazzum looked a little disappointed, but I thought at the time she just wanted a ride in the ship. We sat down to eat. It wasn’t long before the younger folks started wandering off to play. Greg, Nunya, and Millus went with them. I saw Millus asking around after her friend for a little bit, before she found her. She gave her a big hug, and they sat down to talk. Drinks were handed out. I noticed the small mark on all of our glasses, but I didn’t have a way to tell anyone else without making a scene. I pretended to drink, and made polite noises about how good it was. It wasn’t long until Wazzum was behind me, rubbing my shoulders. She said, “Now we can have some fun.”

  I don’t know what school of martial arts Nikki had studied. It looked a lot like Aikido or Jiu-jitsu, but whatever it was, the joint lock she put on Wazzum looked painful. Nikki said, “He’s my man, and you can keep your hands off him, if you want to keep your hands.”

  Wazzum backed off, and said, “Sorry. You don’t have to be so touchy.” I saw the knife coming out, as did Nikki, Dingus, John, and Jane. She got four stun blasts before she had it ready to use. Jane was looking at her hand, trying to figure out why she was moving so slow. Dingus said, “Whatever they drugged us with, the autodoc seems to have protected most of us. She hasn’t been in, yet.”

  There was a shout from over where the kids were playing. A man about Wazzum’s age held a knife to Greg’s throat. Two other fellas had Millus and Nunya in a similar fix. The leader said, “That’ll be enough of that. We’re taking the ship that belongs to us, and you can stay here and fight the rippers. Put those guns down, or you can watch these three bleed out.” I heard an electronic whine from the bandstand, and suddenly, all three knife men were missing their heads. Topper called out, “Sorry, Boss. It was too long a shot for stunners.”

  I called back, “Don’t worry, we won’t be back here for them to gripe about it. Tell Ace to get back here, Ass-Ape!”

  Rikkum said, “I’m so sorry, Captain. Some of the young people wanted to take the ship from you and leave this place. Most of us are just grateful for all you’ve done. Please don’t leave us here again.”

  I said, “Talk to him, Nikki.”

  Nikki said, “Our company, Bob’s Saucer Repair, has a firm policy. We do not do business with people who threaten children. If you were closer to Commonwealth territory, we would already have the Patrol on the way. As it is, consider yourself lucky we don’t destroy that wall we built, and take back the weapons we installed.”

  He started toward me. “Mr. Wilson!” Suddenly his chin had an odd-looking growth, that said Ruger on the side. I said, “That’s Captain Wilson to you, and you will back off, if you want to live. Your people threatened two children I care for a great deal, and another one who is in my care. You continue to suck wind merely because of my patience, and that is quickly running out. Are we clear?”

  I heard a splashing sound, and then, “Yes, Sir, I understand.” He backed away. One of the young fellas who hadn’t lost his head spoke up. “You’ll never make it out of here. It doesn’t matter how good your pilot is. Those guns on the ridge are manned. Give us your ship, or die in the air, makes us no difference.” Andre’s voice came down from the hills, amplified. “Sorry to spoil your fun there, sport, but your gun crews are having a little laydown. You’ll have to come up and untie them when they wake up.”

  “Bullshit! Those are our best men. This is some kind of trick.”

  His left ear ceased to be. Andre said, “Want to try for the whole head, like your friends?”

  The mouthy one screamed and passed out. I called, “Anybody else want a turn? We can do this all day.”

  The band formed up around me. Topper called out, “We are leaving now. Anyone who wishes to meet his or her Deity of choice, please feel free to interfere.” Jannul called out, “Excuse me, Captain Wilson. Is there any way I could come with you?” I looked at Millus. She had a pleading look on her face. I said, “We won’t be coming here again. Are you ready to leave everything you’ve ever known behind forever?”

  Jannul said, “I am, Captain, Sir.”

  “Get over here, then.” Ace came screaming in. Topper whispered in my ear. “I had him time it for effect. He would have been here a long time ago.”

  “I figured.”

  When Jane tried to get up, she stumbled. Dingus and John caught her. Greg yelled, “Mom!”

 
One of the young idiots decided this was his chance, and went for a weapon. A blaster bolt hit between his legs. Ozzie said, “The next one will take some pieces with it. I’d settle down, if I were you.” Steve’s cold reading course came in handy. I could tell that even though he was pretending to give up, he was going to try again as soon as he thought we weren’t paying attention. I looked off to his side, keeping him in my peripheral vision. When I saw him move, I put a round through his shoulder. He screamed, “I’m crippled for life, you monster!”

  I said, “Go crawl in the autodoc and quit your whining. Anybody else want some? We’ve got enough to go around.”

  Nobody moved, so we headed for the ship. Ace lifted without closing the ramp, but I soon saw why. We went around the canyon rim, picking up Andre and his bots. Once they were all aboard, the ramp came up, and we headed out. Nikki said, “Bob, the next time you get a bad feeling, let’s just jump out and not stay around to see why.”

  “Sounds like a plan, Sweetheart.” I looked around and saw Jane. I asked, “Why isn’t she in the autodoc?”

  John replied, “We’ll be back at the Gene in a few minutes. Whatever they dosed her with, it doesn’t seem to be life threatening. I figured we could wait till we got back, rather than have to switch autodocs.”

  I asked, “So, you are planning to put her in, and get that vulnerability fixed?”

  “I figured to give her every upgrade Dingus knows how to program into the thing.”

  “Now you’re talking. Do you have any reason to set foot on that misbegotten mudball again?”

  John said, “No, Captain, I do not. On the minus side, I don’t have an excuse to bomb them out of existence, either.”

  I replied, “Sounds like you like them almost as much as I do. We’re not usually this mean. Is there something in the air down there?”

  John looked puzzled, “I don’t know. I didn’t think to check.” Ruth said, “There’s enough of their air left in the bay. I’ll test it.” She fiddled around a bit with sample containers, and emptied them into different ports. Then she said, “That explains it! All those big animals throw off steroids. The air down there has enough to give you a nasty case of roid rage.” Jannul asked, “What are steroids?”

  Nikki answered, “A chemical that makes men aggressive. That much would turn them into monsters.”

  “That would explain that guy who kept telling me I was his wife, and wanting me to do things to him.”

  Nikki said, “Yes, it would. It would explain the way things are at the other settlement, too.”

  Dingus said, “Oh no, I see where this is going.”

  I said, “I do too. We’ll need another planet to resettle them on, for starters, and I’m not taking them to Charlie’s. We’ll need enough Marines to capture them without hurting them, and probably the Gene to haul them out.”

  John said, “And they probably won’t even thank us when we’re done.”

  I said, “I think we need to put it off for another day. We don’t have nearly enough Marines, for one thing. For another, we’ve got no place to take them, right now. For a third, until this stuff is out of my system, I’d rather shoot them than save them.”

  Nikki stroked my arm. I turned to look at her, and somebody stunned me. She was looking at me when I woke up. “Feel better, Caveman?”

  “Yes, I do. Was I that far off the rails?”

  “No, but you’re the Captain of a very powerful warship. We couldn’t have you giving orders under the influence.”

  “That’s sensible. You were afraid I’d be hostile if you suggested it?”

  “Actually, Ruth saw her chance and took it, before anyone knew what happened. She zapped Dingus and John as well.”

  I said, “Did you clean me out somehow?”

  Nikki replied, “No, we just put a nighty-night on you and let nature take its course. With Jane in the autodoc, no one was sure how to program one to clean you out.”

  “How long?” Snitz jumped in the bed and licked my ear. “Hi, Buddy. Did I go to sleep and leave you alone?”

  Nikki said, “About twenty-four hours. Snitz has been really antsy since he woke up and you weren’t there.”

  I asked, “You have much to deal with while I was out?”

  “Rikkum calls every hour or two, alternating between being enraged that we would leave like we did, and begging us to come back.”

  “Oh, that sounds like fun. Spread the word, I give my permission to quit answering his calls. Are John and Dingus awake yet?”

  “Nope. They were on the planet more, got a bigger dose. They’ll probably be down for another day.”

  “What about Jane? Did she get in the autodoc for an upgrade?”

  “She did. We got one of the medbots to program it, based on what John said on the trip up.”

  “Greg doing okay?”

  “He’s concerned, with both of his parents out of commission, but he’s been doing well enough, considering.”

  “What about that girl that bummed a ride with us, what was her name, Janice?”

  “Jannul, Caveman. Zoom has taken her and Millus under her wing. They’re Nunya’s assistants, now.”

  “More prodigies in Engineering. I don’t care how reliable they get it. I don’t want to be beamed anywhere. Spaceships are just fine, thanks.”

  “Oh, Caveman. They’re not even working on a transporter. I did see Topper working on a design for an electric Unimog, but that’s the weirdest thing I’ve seen.”

  “I haven’t heard anything out of Frank and Julie for a couple days. Physics is afoot, I have no doubt.”

  “You know it will be something we can use, why are you worried?”

  “We’re developing a technological lead over the Commonwealth. They are going to see that as a threat, sooner or later.”

  “Maybe so, but they don’t even remember where they left their Navy. What would they do about it?”

  “I’m sure we’ve violated some obscure law or regulation. They’ll shut us down with legal action, and take our tech for the good of the Commonwealth.”

  “As long as we’re outside Commonwealth space, they can’t do much.”

  “You’re still Guide, can’t they exert control over us through that?”

  “The worst they can do is pressure me enough I resign my commission.”

  “I’d hate for you to have to do that. What about your Dad and your Grandpa?”

  “Dad’s already out, he has inactive reserve status, but that’s all. Do you really think anybody is going to get Dingus to do anything he doesn’t want to?”

  “Okay, then what about Bucky?”

  “She’s already saying she wishes I would hurry up and have the kids, so she could leave the Guide and settle down with Steve.”

  “It sounds to me like I’ve been worrying way too much, and not talking to you enough.”

  “Isn’t that the Caveman way?”

  “I suppose it is, but I’d like to think I have the capacity to change.”

  “You’ve known about Galactic civilization for a couple of months, you’ve not been a ship’s captain for even two weeks, you just went through a personality altering experience down on the planet, I can’t imagine what’s got you so wound up, Caveman. Your life is so calm and uneventful, why ever would you be upset?”

  I replied, “Gee, when you put it like that, I guess I do have an excuse. Still, I wanna do better.”

  “Let me ask you a hypothetical, Caveman. You see a Captain who has managed to bring his crew together so well

  that in under two weeks, they are able to continue working toward the goals he has set, even when he and half of his command team are incapacitated. Would you say that fellow is doing okay as a Captain?”

  “I would say that fellow has the help of an awful lot of good people.”

  “Why would good people help him, if he wasn’t a good Captain?”

  “I give. Maybe you’re right, but I still don’t feel like I’m competent to do this job.”

&
nbsp; Sally said from the door, “Finally, you’re talking sense. I’ve got some presents for you, Captain.”

  I said, “Let me guess. You have my medicine. Take one every four hours until I can find my butt with both hands?”

  “And people say you’re a dumb hillbilly. Right on the first guess, Captain!”

  I said, “Might as well get started. Light me up, Sally.”

  When I got back from the land of learning, the cabin was full. Topper was there, along with Scotti, Zoom, Nunya, Millus and Jannul. Sally said, “Good to see you back, Captain.”

  “Thanks, Sally. What can I do for the rest of you folks?”

  Topper said, “It’s good to have you back, Boss. We wanted to tell you we are ready to start installing the new drive in that Guide ship you found, whenever you want to get started on it.”

  I replied, “Do we have anything else we need to do before we leave the planet?”

  Millus spoke up. “Sir, I’ve spoken with all of the ladies from my settlement who have gotten out of the autodoc so far. None of them have any interest in returning to the cave they were living in. My Grandmother hasn’t woken up yet, so I don’t know how she might feel.”

  I said, “No offense, Millus, but your Grandmother is going to complain no matter what we do. If our actions won’t change her response, I don’t consider her opinion to matter much.”

  Millus said, “You’re right, Captain, but I’m glad you’ll be the one telling her.”

  I thought on that a second. “In your shoes, I would be too. Anyone else?”

  Topper said, “I doubt you want to hear this, but our scans of the system have found a good-sized asteroid that will be colliding with the planet in about fifty years. If we act now, we might be able to deflect it enough to make it miss, but the longer we wait, the more time it will take.”

  I asked, “So, what is our best option for deflecting it? Do we take up an orbit and pound the snot out of it with the main railguns? Mount a power core with some drive emitters and a guidance module? Find another rock to slam into it and play orbital snooker?”