A House Out of Time

by Bruce Macfarlane

  I took over the controls and went for it full power though I confess with my eyes shut. When I opened them again, to my surprise we were in free space and saw that the round ball of Halley’s comet was now breaking up.

  As the third moon crossed the sky towards the Martian horizon one chunk of the comet about twice its size caught up with it and hit it full on. The chunk must have been going far faster than moon but instead of bouncing off like a billiard ball as I expected the icy block absorbed the moon completely. It then to my amazement carried the moon off into space like a bird of prey catching a mouse.

  We just looked at each other, then at the screen and then at each other again.

  I let Elizabeth guide us back to the Tharis Plain while I tried to find the hole we had come out of. There were quite a number of these round holes and luckily we only had to go down four before we found the right one.

  As we lay still, wrapped in our crash beds, Elizabeth said, "I am astounded, James, at your plan. To calculate the forces involved and trajectories all in your head and execute it with such precision. I had not realised you were capable of such a thing."

  "I must admit I do surprise myself sometimes with my mental agility."

  "Me too. Especially solving an N-body problem which I had understood to be unsolvable without a large computational machine."

  "I know. It shows you how lucky you are going out with me."

  "It is a wonder I admit and I am surprised how often I find cause to be reminded."

  Someone was getting a bit too cheeky now. I found the fasteners to the crash bed, got off and went over to Elizabeth who was still struggling with the webbing and said, “Oh dear. You seemed to be all trussed up and completely unable to move.”

  “James! Let me out of here.” She exclaimed looking at me wondering what I was going to do.

  “You have to give me a kiss first.”

  “Well, I suppose you deserve just one.” And she screwed up her face and pouted her lips like a child having to kiss her granny.

  I kissed her gently until her lips softened then pressed the release button.

  “There you are. That was easy, wasn’t it?”

  She then got up, grabbed me and just about pushed her tongue down my throat with her passion.

  “Gosh, I needed that,” she said breathlessly, releasing me. “Now how do we get home?”

  I must find out where women keep their on/off button. It’s a hopeless task, of course, because as soon as they suspect you’ve found it they hide it in another secret place.

  I said, “I suppose it’s the time machine again though I wish I could take that ship. It would look nice parked at the front of our home in front of the neighbours. We could take trips to space whenever we want.”

  “I think we should stay with one adventure at a time. But I do agree it would be a talking point."

  So we reluctantly left the ship and walked over to the machine. As expected, or hoped, the door opened for us. Inside the stone Martian was still sitting on the globe.

  -------------------------------

  E.

  We had crossed the time barrier and possibly saved Mars although whether the Earth was saved we did not know. The display on the console said 536 AD.

  I said, "I presume we are still on the other side of the time fissure."

  "There's only way to find out."

  James moved the time pointer forward. The screen lit up and revealed an earthly landscape with my home standing alone in front of us.. The comet could be seen on the horizon. As we moved forward it came closer and bigger. It did not look like it was going to miss. A few more days sped past and it had broken into three. One began to descend to Earth. As it hit the atmosphere it ignited into a fire ball. Hundreds of fireworks broke off it. The horizon lit red. Then the wind again. The forest around us swayed until, overcome, it blew down. Trees and vegetation flew past us. On and on it went for days. After a week there was calm but the landscape was desolate.

  James said. "It looks we may have saved Mars but we haven't saved Earth from the Dark Ages."

  I agreed but said, "It could have been much worse. Our deflection could have caused a direct hit."

  We sat there contemplating the landscape. The Martian had not moved.

  "Do you mind if I just test we can go back into the past? Perhaps we can see when your house was built."

  I could not resist this and agreed even though I was yearning to go home.

  Back we went. The fire balls receded up into space and the comet disappeared. The landscape was restored. About 450AD the forest slowly grew smaller until it became farm land. Fields of wheat and barley stretched into the South Downs which were bare of woodland and covered with the white specks of flocks of sheep.

  By 400 AD derelict stone buildings appeared in the distance. Around 380 AD a large Roman red pantile roofed building repaired itself and grew in size not five hundred yards from my house. A road appeared from it which came to my home Then in 358 AD my house became a building site.

  "Stop, James. I want to see it."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yes. I must see how it began."

  We halted and James said, "OK. Let's get out. By the way how's your Latin? 'Cos you're going to need it judging by the shape of that farm house over there."

  ----------------------------

  J.

  We stood on the grass opposite the house. For some reason when travelling in time we didn't see people. Now we could see about twenty-odd workmen busily constructing the stonework of Elizabeth 's house supervised by what I thought was a woman but turned out to be man in a toga. He also seemed to be carrying a roman sword.

  While wondering what to do he spotted us and started in our direction. Not having a sword, I felt a bit vulnerable. Not that it would have made any difference. Mainly because in a previous life I had challenged a girl who did fencing to a fight. We had drunk quite a lot and were making spaghetti bolognese for about five of us. It is the meal of choice for single people. She suggested that we use spaghetti strands as swords. Perfect. ”En garde!” I said. And within two seconds I was disarmed. Four spaghetti swords later I decided that the amount of beer I'd consumed was giving her an advantage. Two days later I was sober and dressed up in fencing gear for a return match. She had dyed the blocks on the end of the rapiers to aid counting the number of hits. After about ten minutes when I looked like I had a sever attack of chicken pox I conceded that some skill was involved and men didn't genetically have superiority in fighting.

  In desperation I asked Elizabeth if she had done any sword fighting but apparently it hadn't been part of her curriculum to catch a man although she thought there were occasions it would have been useful to get rid of one.

  The Roman arrived. He was actually wearing the clothes you see in museums complete with a grey tunic which stopped just above his knees and cross-gartered sandals. I could tell he was a bit a confused and nervous, judging by the way he was holding the pommel of his sword but I wasn’t quite sure whether it was the time machine behind us or our attire.

  Ignoring Elizabeth, he addressed me with what I presumed was Latin though it sounded Italian. I looked at Elizabeth for help and to my surprise she answered. She wasn't happy with the answer though.

  "What did you say?"

  "I explained you are a free man returning to Chichester with his wife."

  "Well done. What did he say?"

  "He asked why you keep a whore who speaks such poor Latin."

  "Well, I'm shocked."

  "Thank you, James. It is a small comfort."

  "No, I mean, fancy you knowing the Latin word for 'whore'."

  Before she could reply I said, "Tell him I don't keep my whore for her Latin."

  "I will not. That would imply that my sole purpose is to be your strumpet."

  I let that nice thought go and said. "Rubbish, you're quite a good cook as well. Ouch! Sorry. Try it anyway. Remember, we're in the classical world where women are regarded as only hal
f sentient. That's why the classics were so popular at all your posh boys’ schools."

  "I am not going to agree that I am your, er, well, you know, just for the sake of convention. I don’t want to find Elizabeth the Scortum of Noviomagus Reginorum is famous when I return home.”

  “Otherwise I’ll be looking for my scrotum, I presume.” Well, I thought it was funny.

  Anyway, on hearing her reply, he laughed and gave me a good thump on the shoulder. Which was a bit weird because he was only about five foot six tall.

  "Why is he laughing?"

  “I told him I was your wife not your strumpet to which he replied that only a whore would marry a barbarian free man. There was then a little heated discussion about my honour during which he said that by the way I addressed him you obviously did not beat me enough! When I objected he said it proved his point and started laughing. Well, really!"

  I tried to keep a very straight and concerned face.

  "Seeing he could get no further sport with me, he then asked your name and when I told him he looked surprised as said it sounded Roman. Then he said to follow him."

  I looked at the Roman who was beckoning me to the building. I followed him with my strumpet following dutifully behind.

  ------------------------

  E.

  I wished I had paid more attention to my latin classes although I have feeling the subject of how a respectable lady should defend herself in the unlikely situation where she was accused by a Roman officer of being a barbarian's whore was not on the curriculum. Luckily the unmannered ape whom I have often chided humorously on his lack of classical languages did not realise how useless I was in this area.

  When we arrived at my house, or should I say the uncompleted shell of my house, the workmen downed tools and moved away. The Roman then took us to the newly formed entrance. James asked me to find out why they were building it.

  I was not too happy about another conversation in which my marital status would be questioned and I said rather pointedly, “Do you not think he will wonder why your whore is asking all the questions?"

  "Not at all. It will remind him how dutiful you are and for me to go easy on the beatings."

  I must apologise to any ladies reading this but try as I might I could not gain an advantage expected of my sex in any direction. I can only presume my wit had been weakened by our adventure. I prayed I would not be stuck in this world for much longer.

  After a few minutes’ discussion in which I followed James' advice and assumed the role I was expected the Roman told us they were building a church over an ancient pagan place in the hope of preventing the small devils which appeared on a full moon from escaping. I thought my Latin was improving for the Roman had become quite friendly towards me though I noticed my breasts were receiving quite a lot of attention. However, I completely misinterpreted his intentions for he then had the audacity to ask James if he would sell me as he thought he could get a good price at the market as I had remarkable teeth for someone my age! As an incentive he also offered to split the difference with James!

  When James asked how much, I decided that the line I had drawn for him had been crossed by some miles and female retribution must come swiftly. Though how and in what form was not immediately apparent.

  However, there were more pressing needs for I noticed the doorway framed a wooden door. The same wooden door in my house in the future. James noticed too and said we should try to get in.

  Before they came to an agreement on a price and sent me off to a brothel or worse I realised there was no point in trying to pretend I was not what the Roman thought and told him that my 'master’ wished to enter the building.

  He looked at me and then James with some horror and told me to tell my whore-keeper, as he put it, that legends recorded that no one who entered had ever come out. When I told James this, and also what his new job was, to my astonishment he went up to the door and banged on it three times.

  We then stood there for over a minute feeling rather stupid while the workers and builders gathered around us nervously waiting to see what was going to happen. James was just about to have another attempt when the door opened to reveal a blank grey wall through which my father's head and hand appeared. I turned to find that James and I were alone and the other twenty-one people were running as fast as they could, screaming, towards the woods at the edge of the field.

  --------------------------

  Chapter 12

  J.

  We were back in the drawing room. Wells, Hyatt and Elizabeth's father were sitting in their favourite chairs and Marco was enjoying a glass of wine by the fire. The Martian had disappeared. I was under pain of death not to discuss Elizabeth's new found status in the sixth century. Having not eaten for some time I demanded that they feed us before we recounted our story. To which Marco said, "Help yourself." Thanks a lot.

  Elizabeth and I went into the parlour, made sure there was enough wood in the stove and I proceeded to make some cheese on toast because that's all I could find. I noticed Elizabeth was a little quieter than normal and made the mistake of asking if she was OK.

  "Oh, thank you, Sir, for enquiring after my health. I had not expected your strumpet to be treated with such concern."

  I just managed to stop myself from replying with similar banter and said. "Look, I'm sorry but my main concern was to keep that Roman's sword in its sheath and a smile on his face. As far as I can tell from the history books they're all psychopaths, you know. I was scared witless! He could have grabbed you and carried you off and finished me with a single thrust."

  "A gentleman in my time would have made some effort to defend my honour!" She shot back while looking away from me at the wall.

  "Yes, and he would have been chopped up into dog meat. Can you imagine your cousin Henry defending you? They’d have had his head on a spike in a thrice."

  She looked down at her shoes then back at me. "I admit you have reason. But would you have let him carry me off?"

  "What do you think?" I could see she wanted a plain answer. "OK. You know I would have fought. But the end result would have been the same."

  "I know, James. It is such a different world."

  "Right, burnt toast and cheese is ready and tea's on the way. I bet you wouldn't get many husbands doing this in your time."

  "No. They would be too busy defending their wives’ honour."

  I let her have the last word and we sat down to eat our food. We were very tired.

  ------------------------

  E.

  Sometimes re-establishing equality in a marriage is, in hindsight, not as pleasurable as one hopes. Emotion and practicality get so entangled.

  After the plate of cheese on toast and tinned pineapples in syrup we returned to the drawing room where we recounted our tale, leaving out my new-found profession.

  However, it was nearly revealed when my good father enquired how I had fared, dressed as I was, in the world out there. Luckily we avoided the subject though James later remarked my nails were rather sharp and had almost drawn blood from his arm.

  Mr Wells tried to summarise, "It seems you have managed to cross the time fracture, damaged the comet so that a piece broke away and expertly hit the third moon carrying it off into space."

  Mr Batalia thought he would interject with a little of his sardonic wit. "Very impressed, Urquhart, managing to do that. Sure it wasn't just a lucky accident?"

  James replied, "Believe what you like. It saved Mars."

  "Yes, but you didn't save the Dark Ages, did you?"

  "Oh, I'm sorry, Marco. If only you had volunteered to come with us it would have made all the difference." replied James with as much controlled venom as he could muster.

  Mr Wells thankfully deflected them. “You may have noticed our little friend has disappeared. I believe it has returned to Mars. If what you say is true and Mars has avoided a major catastrophe, it will be wanting to see its world again.”

  James who was now looking decidedly exh
austed, remarked, “Yes, I would like to see what the colour of Mars is in the sky now. But could we discuss this another time? We would like to go home to a comfy bed and sleep for about three days.”

  “Of course.” said Mr Wells. Iit would be a good time to go now anyway as we are running out of food and the first waves of Saxons are coming.”

  “So how do we do it?"

  "You'll need the time machine."

  James expressed my thoughts. "What? We're not going out there again! I’ll be chopped up and my wife will be sold off to market."

  “Why would you think that?” said Mr Batalia, astutely cornering us.

  “Only from what I’ve read about the Roman Empire,” replied James weakly, caught on the hoof but with just enough conviction.

  "Nevertheless,” said Wells, interrupting, “I'm afraid it's the only way out unless you want to stay in this house forever in 1895."

  “Have you not visited the outside since you came here?” I said with some astonishment.

  “Yes, but each time you arrived the world out there changed to the time you were in.”

  “How does that happen?” said James.

  Mr Wells thought for a moment, “It is a quandary. We can only conclude that you two must have special powers which we don’t understand.”

  James said, “I don’t believe I’m anything special. Though obviously Elizabeth is, but it’s more likely it comes from the time machine out there.”

  “What can that do?” said Marco. “Remember, I put that together.”

  “That could explain a lot.” said James, about to start another round of verbal fisticuffs. However, I could see what James was thinking.

  “Maybe the space-time field generated by the machine leaks into the surrounding area and is picked up by any portals that may be in the vicinity.”