A House Out of Time

by Bruce Macfarlane

  And so here I was at last with the morning sunlight peeking through the curtains. My movement woke James who had been sleeping peacefully next to me.

  "What are you doing here, Elizabeth?"

  I could see much to my delight that he had momentarily forgotten where he was.

  “I am at a loss, James. You must have abducted me."

  A flicker of panic crossed his face then he remembered. He drew me to his body and said with a smile.

  "Was that shortly after you came to my room late last night and asked for assistance in undoing a stuck clasp on your evening dress."

  "I cannot see how that simple request could lead to the position I find myself in here". I teased.

  "Perhaps it was the discovery that you seemed to have dressed without putting on your underclothes".

  “It was very warm, James. And besides if a gentleman, while helping a lady with a difficulty, noticed she had forgotten her undergarments he would immediately avert his gaze and not mention it."

  "Absolutely. Except I remember that there was an extraordinary number of 'stuck" clasps which required attention, most of which I found surprisingly easy to undo."

  "I must admit I was surprised by your dexterity in the dim light of the candles. It was as though you were well versed in such an occupation."

  "Mmh! I think it was your direction and instruction that greatly aided the task. However, I was more surprised when on removing the last clasp the upper half of your dress inexplicably fell to your waist".

  “I can only surmise I miscounted the number of fasteners, for I am sure there were more than eighteen. I would not normally allow such a thing to happen unintentionally."

  "I am glad to hear it. And I hope you will forgive me for covering your breasts with my hands in case an unwanted intruder appeared at the door".

  "I thank you for your concern for I would not have thought it my first reaction in such a situation. However, if such an interruption had occurred I would have listened with great interest to your explanation on how you were protecting my modesty".

  "I must admit it would have taken some ingenuity to deflect such a person from drawing an erroneous conclusion."

  "Quite so. But I should also remind you that kissing both of them before they were properly introduced is generally not regarded as etiquette in my time."

  "I beg your pardon but I did ask each in turn and by their attitude I am sure they conveyed a certain willingness to participate."

  "Then I must apologise for their manners for it seems I cannot depend on them to defend my honour in your presence when such an offer is made."

  "Well, I'm sure I would have done nothing to compromise your honour and anything you remember after that would have been only a dream."

  "Gosh! I am much relieved to hear that. As a maiden only slightly used I cannot imagine that I would have allowed myself to participate in the revelry that occurred last night."

  In truth after his prolonged attentions to my body I had begged him like a wanton strumpet to plough me 'till the springs broke.

  ---------------------

  J.

  A beam of sunlight played upon our bed through the curtain gently swaying in a summer breeze. We lay there half dozing exchanging banter when there was a knock at the door. My first thought was Henry.

  A woman’s voice called, "Mr Urquhart, may I come in to arrange your room?"

  Without waiting for a reply the door opened. It was Elizabeth’s maid, Lilly. I just managed to push Elizabeth under the bedclothes before she entered.

  "Good morning, Mr Urquhart. I hope you slept well. You don't by any chance know where my mistress is?"

  I felt Elizabeth tighten her grip on my arm.

  "I'm afraid I don't, Lilly."

  "Oh well, I'm sure she'll turn up. Let's open the curtains and let the sun in. Oh, I see Jacob's out in the fields early and hard at work. Judging by the number of farrows you'd think he'd been ploughing all night."

  I had the distinct impression a game was about to be played at my expense.

  "I'm sure he must make hay while the sun shines". I said for no other reason that it was the first farming phrase that came into my head.

  I caught a glimpse of a smile as she continued to look out of the window. "Would you both like breakfast in bed or in the parlour?"

  The grip tightened. It was beginning to hurt.

  "I'll have breakfast downstairs though I cannot speak for Elizabeth as I don't know where she is."

  "Perhaps you could ask that big fat lump under your bedding?"

  A faint squeal came from under the sheets.

  "Did I hear a mouse, Mr Urquhart?"

  "Surely not, Lilly. It would suggest you were neglecting your cleaning duties and to answer your question, that's just a pillow to stop me falling out of bed. I hope you’re not implying that as a guest here I have seduced the mistress of the house and brought her to bed?"

  "I am sure that you did not do the seducing, Mr Urquhart, and it says much about you and your care for my mistress. By the way I think I see Flory coming down the road on that grey filly of hers".

  Elizabeth leapt out of the bed clothes “What?"

  Elizabeth and her sister Flory were great friends but as a receptacle for juicy private gossip Flory leaked like a sieve.

  "Oh, good morning, Miss Lizzy. Would you like me to serve breakfast here?" said Lilly

  "Certainly not! Where is Flory?"

  She looked out of the window again.

  "Oh, silly me. My eyesight must be failing; it was the milk maid."

  "And I suppose when you return to the parlour I will be the butt of all jokes?"

  "No more than usual, Miss Lizzy. Though they will be pleased to know they can stop chasing Mr Urquhart in his attempts to make advances towards you".

  The reason for a number of unaccountable encounters with the servants in the orangery, the study and behind the stairs now became apparent.

  I turned to Elizabeth. "Are all servants like this?"

  "Certainly not! I blame you and my father for being over familiar with them."

  "We are only here to serve, Miss Lizzy, " said Lilly, "Now as I’ve found you I will be away to make your breakfast. Oh, by the way, Miss Lizzy, I almost forgot. As it is not the end of the week here is that florin you gave me". And she left the room.

  "What's the money for?" I said.

  She gave a demure innocent look.

  "Don't tell me you had a wager that you could seduce me before the end of the week?"

  She came closer.

  "Are you complaining, James?"

  --------------------------

  Chapter 14

  E.

  Before we left my home James spent some time in our garden making copious notes on its design and contents. Our gardener, Arthur, who normally mumbles that we have no consideration for his work was much impressed by James' interest and helped him with the identification of flowers and plans for a garden. He was so impressed that as a reward he provided him with packets of dried seeds on whose covers he made James write instructions on their cultivation.

  As we prepared our luggage and changed into clothing more fitting for our destination I asked James what we should do when we returned to his time. He sighed and rubbing his stomach said he needed to 'detox' for a week with a regime devoid of pie and cream and also find a place to hide the time machine as parking it on the drive might cause some comment amongst the neighbours. I suggested we could put it in the garage after we have removed and sold the contents as on being questioned previously on their use and importance he had difficulty giving a satisfactory answer. However, this was turned down. Instead he proposed we could put it in our small garden and pretend it was an objet d'art. I thought we could pass it off as a garden shed where it would have the added advantage as a depository for the remainder of his clothes and allow me more space for my wardrobe. This caused an unprovoked stern reaction which involved a certain lady of impeccable reproach being given warni
ng of ‘a good seeing to' at the earliest opportunity.

  After we had said our farewells and adieus to my family and collected a number of boxes of seeds and plants we opened the door. James stopped and said, “I’ve just remembered we’ve got to collect the car from Midhurst! It’ll be covered in parking tickets or towed away.”

  "Perhaps if we had a time machine we could circumvent some of the fines." I suggested.

  "Gosh, if only we had one."

  I agreed joining in his humour.

  “No! I mean if only we had one!”

  I looked into courtyard. The machine was not there. We were stranded in my time!

  ----------------------------

  J.

  There was only one thing left to do. Go to the cavern at Midhurst. Elizabeth and Smethers made ready the dog cart and we threw our bags in the back. Half way down the drive I remembered what century we were in and we turned back and changed back into Victorian clothes again much to the confusion of everybody. After another half mile we returned again and collected candles and matches as I didn’t want to steal them from the church a second time. You can never have enough candles.

  The roads were quite muddy and rutted and Elizabeth drove while I closed my eyes. When we got on to the smoother Macadam highway she thought she'd have some sport and said, "Would you like to hold the reins? You will find it as easy as a steering wheel. Just pull to the left or right and you will find Nelly will follow instantly."

  I took the reins in my hands very carefully and before I knew it we were off. After a few seconds I thought it would be beneficial to see where we were going and to my horror saw what looked like a mail coach coming in the other direction.

  "What side do I go?" I yelled as it got closer and Nelly got faster having mistaking my shout for a command to bolt.

  "Why, the other side, James!"

  I pulled the left rein and to my surprise veered over to the right. I pulled the other one involuntarily before I went into the ditch and immediately back to the left after another tug.

  "What are you doing?" She said looking where I was going.

  "I'm doing as you said!"

  She looked at the reins. "Oh, you fool! You have them crossed. Give them to me." And she grabbed them out of my hands and deftly pulled Nelly and us over just in time to miss the passing coach.

  When I'd recovered I said, "How would I know they were crossed over?"

  "It is a simple thing. Follow the line of a rein. Look!"

  I tried again with some success though stayed as close to the centre of the road as possible much to the annoyance of other carriages. Eventually Elizabeth took pity on me, or to put it more bluntly, 'saved our lives' by taking over control again after a carriage stopped and the lady who Elizabeth knew and later categorised as part of the snooty north Chichester set enquired whether she needed assistance.

  When I replied that we were alright thanks she looked at me rather haughtily then at Elizabeth and said "Do you allow your servants to speak when they are not spoken to?"

  I said in the nicest way I could. "Yes, she does obviously otherwise I wouldn't be speaking to you."

  I liked the shock on her face so I thought I'd carry on. "And in case you're wondering what service I provide; I serve as her husband."

  "This is your husband, Miss Bicester?" she said, still not acknowledging my existence. Her eyes were quite wide now but not as wide as her mouth which I thought I'd continue to fill. But Elizabeth got in first.

  "It is Mrs Urquhart, Lady Harrington. And this is my husband, James Urquhart, otherwise known to those who know him well as Captain Adventurus, Saviour of Worlds, Traveller of Times, Occasional Defender of his Wife's Honour and Chief Wizard of the Pointy Hat Club.”

  I quite liked the last one. The second from last I realised I needed to work on a bit more.

  Lady Whatsit looked at me again, this time with her mouth tightly shut. I said, "Yep. I know what you're thinking. I'm batting way above my class."

  "I do not think judging by your attire that you know what class is."

  "I find with a salary of £22,000 a year, I don't need to."

  Quoting my meagre salary in the twentieth century to a Victorian had the intended effect.

  "Well, really! What is the world coming to when a woman judges a man by his money rather than his class? I do not know what to think."

  "I am sure you do not, Lady Harrington," said Elizabeth, "but I am sure within the next hour or so when you are with your society again you will not only know what to think but also exactly what to say. But I must bid you good day for we have a certain time to catch. I wish you a pleasant journey." And with that rather cutting reply which could be construed to offer no offence Elizabeth took the reins and off we went. I have to hand it to Elizabeth. I try to start a class war and she wins it for me without any argument for or against.

  A little further down the road she said, "I do not think I will be asked to her whist parties for a while."

  "Will you miss them?"

  "I do not know. I've never been invited," she said with a smile.

  ----------------

  E.

  We arrived at Midhurst and reserved the White Room at the Coaching Inn for the night and asked the proprietor if he would look after Nelly and our dog cart. From not a little experience I was concerned that after we visited the cavern we may not return for some time, if time was the right word. I therefore wrote a short letter to my father informing him of the whereabouts of Nelly and having sealed it asked the proprietor if he would dispatch it to my father in the morning. If we returned beforehand I would make an excuse and retrieve the letter.

  Having gathered sufficient baggage and James’ candles we walked to the cavern tunnel via the vestry in the church. Once again we attracted notice. Twice we were stopped by passers-by and asked if we needed assistance with our luggage. Then an old lady stopped and taking pity on us, presuming that we had been evicted from our accommodation and destitute, offered James a temporary gardening job. His reply, for some reason, was not as polite as I would expect for such a generous offer. And when she left us he whispered, with some annoyance that he would promise at the first opportunity to purchase some decent clothes.

  The door to the cavern was still there. James pushed it open gently to find that our last hope that we might find a time machine had evaporated. But the cavern was not empty. The consoles and Earth globe were still in place. James rushed to the time dials and set them to 2016 but as I expected nothing happened for we had previously shut down the power servers. He turned to me and holding my hand said, “I’m afraid I’m going to live here with you in your time. Can you accept that?”

  I replied, “Of course. We will find a way. Shall we go?”

  And so we retraced our steps back along the tunnel. We passed through the vestry and into the nave thankful this time at not having to borrow any clothes to blend in. Or so we thought for as we entered the nave I realised immediately we were in a different time by the dark screens advertising church services which someone had thought if they were attached to the main pillars they would improve the religious ambience.

  I asked James when he thought we were for it looked very much his world.

  "I don't know. Sometime-line near mine. We have two choices. One is to go back, change our clothes again and then return to find we are in another time or just get on with it and pretend we're dressed up like this for the tourists."

  We chose the latter.

  -----------------------

  J.

  As we emerged out of the church and on to the road everything not only looked familiar but was very familiar. Gone were the silent electric cars replaced by petrol and diesel machines. Yellow lines, road signs, road works and shops selling stuff people didn't know they needed filled the street. I was home. No, I mean really home. This was the world I was in when I first met Elizabeth.

  I guess she recognised it as well, judging by the way she squealed, and flung her arms around my ne
ck before landing the loudest kiss ever on my grinning cheek.

  ---------------------

  Epilogue

  E.

  Our return journey was much commented upon by the surprising number of old people on the bus, many of whom examined our clothing quite closely and remarked how authentic it looked. I was also complimented on my diction by some who despaired of the youth of today and their slack language. It reminded me of my father who was a stickler for picking on any slang that was spoken in the house.

  But now at last we were home. We had spent a pleasant afternoon in the autumn sunlight weeding the garden and raking leaves from the grass which we put on a small bonfire James had delighted in building.

  Later as we reclined cuddled up in James’ rather worn but comfy sofa with Chopin playing in the background after a surprisingly light vegetarian dinner James turned to me and said, "Would you like to go on a ramble with my friends in this wonderful countryside next Sunday?"

  I could think of nothing more perfect. The leaves were still in colour and we could enjoy the last warmth of the late autumn sun.

  "Oh yes, James, I would love to meet them and perhaps," I said with a smile, “there might be a cricket match at Hamgreen we could visit as well."

  His face dropped. It was a picture. "No, James, I was only kidding. Wild horses could not drag me there. We will draw a big circle around it and avoid it at all costs."

  But of course when we looked for it on the map later, only for curiosity you understand, we found it was not there. For after all, James and I are only but a dream out of time.