Letting Go (Dangerous Love)

by Elle Keating

  “What made you reconnect with him?”

  “Some would call it divine intervention, a sign. Some would call it mere coincidence. But one night, I was working in the ER and a little boy came in with severe internal injuries from a car accident. He resembled my brother, the color of his hair… freckles. I couldn’t save him. I tried everything, but he was gone. A few weeks later I received a call from a woman claiming to be one of my father’s nurses. She told me that my dad was in the hospital and was very ill. It didn’t occur to me not to go see him, a man who I hadn’t spoken to in over a decade. I just left everything and went to go be with him. We talked… and cried. I had never seen him cry, not even at the funeral. He confessed that he hadn’t been a faithful husband, that it was his fault, that he had been selfish, that he had blamed me because he couldn’t face it. That his infidelity was the reason his wife and child were in the ground. But no matter how angry I was at him, I wanted to care for him in his final months. I wanted to get to know my father again. The flawed, beaten-down man who had at one time successfully convinced me to fear relationships.” Anna downed half her glass of wine in a single gulp.

  “Anna, I’m so sorry.”

  She cleared her throat. “It’s in the past,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. She grabbed another strand of lights.

  “Where did you get your tree?”

  “A Boy Scout troop was selling trees at the corner of Cedar and Second Street. You should stop by and scope out the trees. Proceeds help support their troop and some of the money is given to charity.” His hand froze for a split second and then he strung another strand. “What charity do you support?”

  “What?”

  “You told me that you donate to charity. Which one?”

  “I give to multiple charities,” he said, not looking at her.

  “A few weeks ago, when I came over to your house with coffee and cannoli… and discovered that you partake in underground fights, you mentioned that any money you win you donate to charity. I was just curious as to which one you donate your winnings to?”

  His jaw clenched and his breathing hitched. “I think I should go.”

  “Brennan…”

  “Look, some things are just too… ugly to talk about.”

  “Ugly? I just unloaded on you, told you things I have never spoken to anyone, things that are unpleasant, and what? This conversation can’t go both ways?”

  “What can I say? I’m not like you. You’re stronger than me… so fucking real that it’s painful.” He threw the lights down and grabbed his coat. In a flash he was out the door and speeding away in his truck.

  Anna stood there, mouth wide open because… what the fuck? She looked out the bay window, watched his taillights fade from view. She didn’t know which emotion dominated: pain, betrayal, anger, but she knew she was experiencing all three. She had shared her most intimate memories, things that still haunted her and he had just hightailed it out of there after one simple question. She poured herself a second glass of wine and then went to her bedroom. She was trying to find a show that would lure her to sleep when her cell chimed. She looked down at Brennan’s text:

  “National Organization Against Child Sexual Victimization.”

  She stared at the six words and the wine in her belly began to roil. No other texts came through, no explanation as to why this organization was important to him. She wanted to ask, to know but she didn’t, because she had a feeling it had taken everything for him to text her this much. She Googled the organization’s website and read their mission statement, who they supported, where donations went. Her heart sank when she learned that all donations helped children who may have been sexually abused or had been exposed to sexual abuse, children ranging from infancy all the way through adolescence.

  A sob ripped through her as she read how children, without counseling or support afterward could fare, the statistics, how some survivors deal with trauma in unhealthy ways as they become adults. Some turned to alcohol, drugs, crime. Some had difficulty forming relationships, both platonic and sexual ones. Some used sex as a vice. She didn’t know the details, if Brennan himself was a victim but all arrows pointed to yes. Before closing out of the site, she donated a thousand dollars to the organization and logged off. And cried herself to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty

  Brennan

  Brennan lay awake for hours. For a multitude of reasons. One, because Pete was restless, jumping from the floor to the bed, back to the floor, then roaming through the house. Brennan didn’t understand what was going on with him. When they were in the man cave, Pete could lounge for hours on one of the recliners. Brennan had even been able to swap out Shrek for football and Pete hadn’t been the wiser and continued to sleep like a baby.

  The recliner. Maybe that was the key. He shot off a text to Luke and Gabe, seeing if one of them could come over and help him carry the recliner to his bedroom.

  The other reason for his shitty night’s sleep? He had come to the conclusion in those hours that seemed to drag that he was completely in love with Anna. Not because they had slept together. Not because she was beyond beautiful inside and out, but because he could feel it deep down in his tortured soul that she was everything, everything he strived to be, resilient but flawed, strong but capable of sharing her most sacred secrets and fears. Her vulnerability had given him the strength to share a piece of himself with her. It was the least he could do before he walked away for good. Maybe she would connect the dots, maybe she wouldn’t. At least he had told her something, that the charity he supported, what they did for exploited children, was important to him.

  Around five in the morning he gave up and decided to make himself breakfast. Afterward he blew off some steam in his home gym, pushing himself harder than he had in he didn’t know how long. He was in the shower when he heard Pete bark. He rinsed off, threw a towel around his waist and tried to find out what was driving Pete crazy. But when he stepped into his kitchen, he found his brothers baby-talking his dog.

  “We didn’t know you got a dog!” Gabe said, falling to his knees. Pete was on his back, soaking up the attention while his brother scratched his belly.

  “Yep, we… I picked him out at the shelter last week.”

  “We?” Luke asked.

  Christ. “Anna, my neighbor. She has a dog, some expertise, so I asked her to come with me to the animal shelter.”

  “Your neighbor?”

  “Yeah,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Hey, you both didn’t have to come. I just need one of you to help me move a recliner up a few flights.”

  “Yeah, we know. But we weren’t doing anything and thought maybe after the heavy lifting…” Luke said, flexing his arms, “…we could have a football catch. Haven’t done that in ages.”

  That did sound like fun and could be a good distraction. “You’re on.” Brennan quickly got dressed and the three of them had the recliner moved in a matter of minutes.

  “So why are you redecorating?” Gabe asked as they set the recliner down next to the window.

  “Pete loves this chair.”

  “The dog?”

  “Yes, he uh, likes to lay on it when we watch television, calms him down. It’s no big deal.”

  “Okay, dog whisperer. Where is Brennan and what did you do with him?” Luke asked.

  “Fuck you. Let’s go throw the ball around,” Brennan said, punching Luke in the shoulder.

  Gabe grabbed a football from the bed of his truck and the three of them hit the beach. They were tossing the ball, acting like a bunch of teenagers when Brennan saw a familiar Golden Retriever trotting over to them. Brennan scanned the beach and dropped the football to the ground. He sucked in a breath as she approached, bundled up in a warm coat, boots, and hat. She looked like she was about to hit the slopes and she never looked more adorable. Except when she was biting her lip, or blushing after he said something provocative, or when she lay in his bed, asleep, her auburn hair scattered over the pillow, or when…
/>   “Hey Brennan,” she said, giving him a smile that he already missed.

  “Anna…”

  “Is this Neighbor Anna?” Luke asked.

  She chuckled. “Yes, I guess that description is accurate since I live a few blocks over.”

  “Anna, these are my nosy brothers, Luke and Gabe.” She shook their hands.

  “And who is this?” Gabe asked, pointing to Mack. Mack had scooped up the football and was ready for some action.

  “This is Mack… and unfortunately he likes to insert himself in every game involving a ball whenever he can.” Mack wagged at her for a few seconds and then dropped the ball at Anna’s feet. She wiped off the ball on her pant leg, ridding it of puppy slobber before handing it back to Brennan.

  “Oh, this is the Mack Jack was talking… and talking… and talking about. My son said he got to play with a dog named Mack when he had a sleepover at Brennan’s a couple weeks ago.”

  “One and the same,” Anna said. “Jack was so good with him, very patient. He’s a ball of energy, that one.”

  “You can say that again,” Gabe said.

  “Well, sorry to disrupt your game. Mack has no manners. Brennan could definitely testify to that.”

  “Yep, found that bugger in my bed. Made himself right at home…” Luke quirked a brow. “Anyway, he’s not shy, far from it.” Gabe let out a snort and Brennan flashed him a glare that told him to shut the fuck up, but it only made Gabe’s smile grow. Bastard.

  “Well, I better get going. Nice to meet you both.” Brennan nodded at her and he watched her walk away.

  “I’m getting that déjà vu feeling. How about you, Gabe?” Luke asked. “Like we’ve been here before, you, me and Brennan. But last time we were on one of your boats.”

  “Yeah, but instead of a football in Brennan’s hands he was holding Wawa coffees,” Gabe said, folding his arms over his chest.

  Brennan turned and faced his brothers. They weren’t smiling; gone were the smirks and smartassed grins. They were completely serious and calling him out. As they should. Because he had done it to Gabe as recent as a few months ago, as he listened to his brother share his demons, why he struggled with women, explained how he had coped all these years. And now it was Brennan’s turn. He was the last of them, but it didn’t make it any easier.

  “Is it too early for a beer?” Brennan asked.

  Luke checked his watch. “It’s close enough,” he said.

  They made their way into Brennan’s house and flocked to the fridge. They each cracked open their beers and took a seat at the breakfast bar. Brennan sipped his beer, not knowing how to begin. He peered ahead and locked onto his kitchen sink and pictured Anna standing there.

  “Anna is a doctor and works at an urgent care on the island. She was the one who patched me up after one of my boxing… one of my fights.”

  “What kind of fights?” Luke asked.

  He took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m… part of… participate in some underground fights from time to time, when things get… when I need to let off some steam.”

  “We all have our vices,” Luke said.

  “Fighting isn’t my only vice and you know it. Fucking, women. I have flipflopped back and forth utilizing them over the years to curb my anger, the thoughts that go through my head, images of that life we led. Dirty, vile thoughts. And then I met Anna, and she…”

  “She what?” Gabe asked.

  “You’ve met her. What you see is what you get. She’s beautiful, funny… so very real… and at a different place in her life.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “She doesn’t want a fling or a casual hookup and I…”

  “Do?” Luke asked. “How many women have you been with since meeting Anna?”

  “None,” Brennan said.

  “Okay, I want you to picture something. Clear your head of every thought. I want you to imagine that beautiful redhead flashing that smile she gave you on the beach at another man. Now envision her blushing because of something he said, or the way he looked at her a little too long.” Brennan felt his hand clench around his beer bottle. “Now picture her kissing someone else… fucking someone else.”

  “Enough!” Brennan yelled.

  “You love her?” Luke asked, undeterred.

  “Yes.”

  “Then don’t let her go.”

  “I just don’t know how… how did you both do it? How did you just let go and put it all out there?”

  “I lost Peyton for a little while, knew what it felt like to live without her and that… that right there was the most pain I had ever experienced in my life.” Brennan looked at his brother and struggled for words. Because Luke knew true pain, the kind that could kill your soul… make you question if life was even worth living. He had experienced more pain that any human being should ever endure.

  Brennan’s cell phone chimed on the breakfast bar and he glanced over and read the incoming text:

  “Was just thinking about you. Call me when you get a minute. Want to hear your voice.”

  “That woman has a sixth sense,” Brennan said, pushing his phone away.

  “Let me guess. Mom?” Gabe asked.

  “Yep. How does she do that? Just know when something is wrong. We’re not even biologically hers, but somehow Lucrezia McGinnis knows when one of us is…”

  “Struggling?” Luke asked.

  That word summed it up. He was struggling. With how to cope, how to let go of the past and embrace what he knew his heart wanted. He tipped his beer bottle and took a hearty gulp, wishing it was something a whole lot stronger. “Do you ever wonder what would have happened to us if Patrick hadn’t caught you shoplifting that day, Luke?”

  “I used to… often. I’ve played that day over and over in my head more times than I can count. How your fever spiked, prompting me to go to the store and get you medicine. How Patrick had just happened to be there at that exact moment. That he had a wife who took one look at us it seemed and fell in love with us, three damaged kids who had seen things no kid should. I used to think that it was all a coincidence, the events of that day, Patrick rescuing us, but now I’m not so sure,” Luke said.

  Brennan contemplated what his brother said, if all of this was just part of some greater plan. It hurt his head to even go there. Gabe finished off his beer and set the bottle on the breakfast bar. “I think it’s time we head out but call if you need us.” Gabe slapped him on the back the same time Luke gave him a nod and then they were gone.

  Now alone, the house eerily still, Brennan looked down at his phone and reread his mom’s text. Her words prompted a memory, one that was so vivid, even after twenty-two years…

  “So all we could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! And we did not like it. Not one little…”

  “Bit!” Brennan blurted out. Lucrezia laughed and turned the page. He looked up at her and she smiled at him. Her eyes weren’t glassy. She didn’t smell like smoke or beer. Her voice didn’t make him afraid; rather, he felt comforted, like being next to her on the couch in his pajamas with a plate of chocolate chip cookies on his lap was where he was supposed to be. Like he was home. But in a flash, his mind went to a dark place and his smile faded and his heart began to race. She closed “The Cat in the Hat” and placed the book on the coffee table.

  “What is it, Brennan? What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “She never did this with us… read a book, put her arm around us.” He stared at the plate of cookies, no longer in the mood for them. Lucrezia swiped a cookie off the plate and he looked at her. “Why didn’t she do those things?” he asked. “She was a mom.”

  “I don’t know, Brennan. But I do know this. You were meant to be part of this family. I feel it in here,” she said, placing her hand over her heart. “I may not have carried you in my tummy, but you are my boy, my son, and I will always love and protect you.”

  His eyes welled up and she hugged him. His nose ran as he fought back the tears. He had never cried in front of her befor
e, but she had just put his biggest fear to rest. She wasn’t going to leave. She wasn’t going to ship him off somewhere. She wanted him. “Can I have some milk… Mom?” he asked, still burrowed in the crook of her neck. The word Mom hovered in the air. It had been months since he was officially adopted, but he could never bring himself to say it and she had never asked him to call her anything but Lucrezia. But in this moment, it felt right.

  She squeezed him tighter and he heard her swallow. “Of course. Can’t have cookies without milk, can we?” she asked, her voice cracking.

  He sat back and saw that she was crying. But even at six years old he knew they were happy tears.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Anna

  Screw this. Everyone is getting gift cards.

  Anna had stopped by Brew Bayou to pick up a coffee and one of those cannoli she was now addicted to before heading out to Christmas shop for her colleagues. But when she saw the gift cards at checkout she snagged over a dozen and then placed an enormous order of cookies and cannoli. She may work with health care professionals, but they ate like a bunch of seven-year-olds in the breakroom. Caffeine and sugar were what kept you alive, especially when you had to work a double shift.

  With a smile on her face because she had taken back her day and wouldn’t have to fight over a parking spot at Target or the mall, Anna turned to leave only to see the man she hadn’t spoken to in over a week walking through the café door. They stood there frozen, her heart in her chest beating at an ungodly pace. How she wished this place had a second exit door. Anna held her head high and walked toward him. The closer she got, the more nervous she became. But her anxiety was replaced with concern when she saw his swollen lip, the discolored skin just below his sunglasses. She reached up and snatched the glasses from his face. The shiner was fresh, less than twenty-four hours old and it brought tears to her eyes. She handed him back the glasses and tore out of there.