First Chances

by Kant, Komal

  I had been a step away from starting something incredible with Eddie, but a single moment had taken it away. And there was nothing I could do but stare out of my damn window.

  ***

  Day two.

  Basically nothing had changed, other than the weather. The snow had ceased to fall, leaving a thick, white blanket covering the ground. I considered taking the dogs outside and letting them run through the snow, but by the time I managed to get around to doing it, it was close to four in the afternoon.

  My spirits were still incredibly low, and I didn't exactly want to be outside, but I knew I had to get out of my room. I pulled on a thick coat and my winter boots, and headed out to the front yard. Halo and Chance tore through the snow, burying their noses in it and slurping it up.

  With a half-smile on my face, I sat down on the front step, wrapping my arms around my body as I watched them, lost in my own world.

  A mother. I was going to be a mother. I was going to have a baby. A real, live baby. A baby that would be mine.

  What the heck? Was this a nightmare?

  I buried my head in my hands, trying to figure out how this could happen to me. Now everything made sense--my mood swings, my nausea, why my clothes didn't fit as well anymore. I had been so consumed by my grief over Lincoln that I hadn't paid any attention to the changes in my body. I had been so blind to what was happening to me that I'd let myself drink and smoke, something I never would have done if I'd known my condition.

  Crap. What if something was wrong with the baby because of my stupidity? What if there were complications? All the possible repercussions for my actions were flashing through my mind, scaring the frick out of me.

  My thoughts were so distracting that it wasn't until Estella and Mariah were standing right in front of me that I noticed them. I had completely missed Chance and Halo racing over to them, and their ascent up the yard towards me.

  "Oh, hi," I said, my stomach dropping as I stood up to meet their serious expressions.

  My friends were pissed. And for good reason. Once again, I had ignored them with no explanation. The way I was acting, it was a wonder I still had friends.

  Mariah gave me a small smile, but Estella’s face was wrought with a hundred different emotions. She was frozen, still, and I wasn’t sure where this was heading. The last time we had spoken, she had been mad at me for leading Three on. Who knew how pissed she was now.

  “Hadie,” Estella whispered, and that’s when she crumbled. She reached out and pulled me into a hug, crying into my shoulder.

  I was so surprised by her reaction that it took me a good, few seconds to relax and wrap my arms around her.

  “I am so sorry,” she sobbed. “I kept replaying over and over in my head the last thing I’d said to you.” She pulled away from me, staring at me with tear-filled eyes. “What if that was the last thing I ever said to you? I just-I can’t believe that could’ve been it.”

  Her words completely blew me away, considering I had expected her to yell at me again for being a bad friend. Before I could respond to her, Mariah began to speak.

  “I’ve been so worried about you,” she said, her tone solemn. “When you wouldn’t respond to my messages and phone calls, I contacted your parents. Your mom said you were dealing with a lot right now and that you needed time to yourself, but I had to see you. Don’t forget that Estee and I are different people, Hadie. I’ve made a ton of mistakes in my life and I am never going to judge you for yours.”

  She was right, of course. She and Estella were nothing alike, though they had always been great friends in different ways. Boy-crazy Mariah wasn’t going to judge me because I was caught in the middle of two guys. Estella had been mad because she was close to Three—Mariah was not.

  “I didn’t even think,” I said, my tone soft. “I should know I can talk to you about anything, Ray.”

  “You’re damn right you can!” she said, wrapping me up in a fierce hug. “I love you, Hadie!”

  Tears sprung to my eyes as Mariah held me. I had spilled a lot of tears this year, but these ones seemed worth it. To have two friends who loved me was everything. They loved me for who I was, and they would love something that was a part of me, too.

  Releasing Mariah, I brushed the tears from my face. Estella pulled a handful of tissues out of her bag and handed them out to us before dabbing at her own face.

  “I have to tell you something. It’s something huge.” I began, my voice soft. “While I was at the hospital I found out I was pregnant. With Lincoln’s baby.”

  They both froze—Mariah’s eyes grew wide and Estella looked as though she was about to pass out.

  “W-what?” Mariah asked, staring at me as though I was playing a practical joke on her.

  “Yep, I’m not fat, I’m just pregnant,” I joked, patting my small baby bump.

  “Oh, gosh, I need to sit down,” Estella said, dropping down on the front step I’d been sitting on a few moments earlier.

  Mariah and I joined her, and I waited for either of them to say something, anything. A heavy silence surrounded us. Estella’s face was pale, whereas Mariah appeared to be in shock.

  “That’s why you had your dad lie to Eddie,” Estella finally said as realization hit her. “Eddie told Ashton, and she told us, so I spoke to Three the next day. I know you guys didn’t work anything out.”

  I should’ve known Estella would ask Three about what had really happened. “I thought it would be easier than telling him I was having a baby.”

  “But will you tell him the truth eventually?” Mariah asked, raising her brows at me. “It’s gonna be a pretty big secret to hide.”

  “Yes, but when I’m ready. When he’s moved on.”

  “He won’t. Not for a long time,” Estella said, giving me a look that meant I should already know this. “Guys like Eddie don’t come around often, and when they do you should hold onto them.”

  “I know,” I said with a sigh, wondering how long it would take before both of us were over the other.

  “Are you going to tell Lincoln’s dad you’re pregnant?” Estella asked. “He was at the hospital the night you were admitted.”

  “Yeah, my dad told me he was,” I paused, still surprised he’d been there. “And, yeah, I guess I should tell him. He is the baby’s grandfather, after all.”

  It was strange for me to say that word out loud when it came to Mr. Bracks. I just didn’t know him well enough to even associate him as someone that was connected to my baby now.

  “So you knew about Eddie’s mom and Lincoln’s dad?” Mariah asked, wiggling her brows at me.

  My mouth dropped open. What? Eddie’s mom and Lincoln’s dad? Was it just a really small world or was poor Eddie never going to be able to escape from my ex-boyfriend’s memory?

  “Wait, what! About them what?”

  “They came to the hospital together the other night and it was pretty obvious they were together.” she said, leaning in closer in case someone might hear. Except there was no one out here except us. “Even Eddie didn’t know until then.”

  My mind flashed back to the night Mr. Bracks had brought a date with him to the diner. I’d known the woman had seemed familiar, but I hadn’t been able to recall how I knew her. Now it was obvious, of course—his date was Eddie’s mom.

  Wow. That night at the hospital had probably been pretty overwhelming for Eddie; my rejection and then finding out his mom was dating Lincoln’s dad. The last thing he needed to know about was my baby bombshell. I felt more secure in my decision to end things with him—kind of.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to get through all of this,” I admitted, trying my hardest not to break down into tears again. “A baby. Crap. It’s going to completely change my life.”

  Estella wrapped a slender arm around me, pulling me close. “Don’t worry, Hadie. Aunt Estee and Aunt Ray will be there every step of the way.”

  As Mariah squeezed me from the other side, and the three of us sat huddled together, I was beyo
nd grateful that my friends were standing by me.

  If only I had Eddie, too.

  ***

  Day Three.

  My thoughts and solitude were eating me up alive.

  Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw this slightly imbalanced girl with unruly, purple hair. The minion hair had to go.

  That afternoon, I asked Mariah and Estella to come over so they could help me dye it. Estella brought a book along with her: What to Expect When You’re Expecting. As usual, practical, thoughtful Estella had given me something I would definitely use.

  I placed the book on top of a pile of other books, promising her I would read it front to back.

  Since Mariah was the one who was better at doing hair—along with various other girly skills like doing nails and makeup—I let her take the reins. She decided she wanted to keep the ends of my hair purple because she thought it looked cool.

  I didn’t argue with her.

  Besides, it would be an interesting reminder of the time I had tried and failed to be rebellious.

  ***

  Day Four.

  I was still cooped up in my room.

  I still hadn’t heard from Eddie, which was exactly what I had wanted, right? Regardless of what I wanted, he was still the primary thought in my mind. It was the first time in a long time that I hadn’t sat around moping about Lincoln. Now I was sitting around moping about Eddie. Which probably wasn’t any better.

  Then Lincoln’s words came rushing back to me—well, dream Lincoln, not real Lincoln.

  That’s when you know it’s really love. When you can’t go a day without thinking about someone.

  But there was nothing I could do. I had made my decision. I had to stand by it. In order to distract myself, I decided to read the baby book Estella had brought over yesterday.

  Jumping up from my bed, I walked over to my desk and picked the book up. The book beneath it caught my eye—it was bright pink. It was the copy of P.S. I Love You that Eddie had given me weeks ago.

  Putting aside the baby book, my hands sought out P.S. I Love You. I stared it for a second and then held it to my chest, closing my eyes.

  Eddie had chosen this book for me; he had wanted me to read it. Maybe there was something for me to learn among its dusty pages.

  So I lay back down on my bed, curling up into a comfortable position, and opened up the book. I began reading, flipping through the pages slowly at first, and then a little faster.

  Don't mind all those people who say that you should be back to normal in a month or two. Grieving is all part of helping yourself anyway.

  That was when the book connected with me. This book was about me. It was about what I’d been going through. This was what Philip always talked to us about in support group—moving on when we were ready.

  This was all Eddie had been trying to do this entire time—help me move on in my own time. And I had pushed him away every chance I’d gotten.

  Taking a deep breath, I read on.

  I didn’t put the book down until I finished reading it. I was a girl possessed. This book understood me on a level I couldn’t even explain. There was so much about it that I could relate to—the death of someone I loved, struggling to move past it and find my own identity, pushing people away, and trying to reject love when it was right in front of me.

  It was like the author of the book had peered directly into my soul and articulated it onto the pages of this book. Now I understood why Eddie had wanted me to read it, and as usual I’d been a complete bitch about it.

  In the end, Holly had received her happy ending, but I wasn’t so sure if I would ever receive mine. After all, I had pushed Eddie away to the point of no return.

  I sighed deeply, lying back on my bed. Of all the words I had read in the book, there was one line that stayed with me.

  They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we're gone.

  Maybe that was true; maybe love did live on, and that’s why I’d been able to fall in love again. But sometimes love also involved sacrifice, and I was willing to make one for Eddie’s future and happiness.

  Chapter Thirty

  Eddie

  Hadie was back.

  I could feel her presence, her aura, before I even turned around. Before I even saw the sympathetic look in my friends' eyes. I didn't turn around, though. I couldn't look at her. At least that's what I had convinced myself of until Elly's eyebrows shot up into her bangs.

  That’s what made me turn.

  It was her—my Hadie, just as she had always looked. Literally. As in her hair wasn't purple anymore; it was brown. Upon closer inspection, I noticed she had left the very ends purple, which I think looked pretty cool.

  The fact she had suddenly reverted back to her usual hair color was what made me stare at her, even though I'd been determined not to look at her.

  Right away, I could tell there was something wrong. She had her hair tucked behind her ears, her skin was pale, yet puffy, and her eyes were dark with bags. Hadie looked like someone who had been defeated, as though all weight of the world was resting on her tiny shoulders.

  "What in the hell is with that girl?" Stacey demanded from beside me. "She disappears for a week, completely ignores you, and then walks back into school looking, well, normal. I really wanna give her a piece of my mind."

  Hadie didn’t look normal to me, and the last thing I needed was for Stacey to do something crazy. Besides, I didn't want to have anything to do with Hadie right now. After what her dad had told me in the hospital, I wasn't going to give her my feelings or time anymore.

  No freaking way.

  Now if only I could tell my eyes that.

  “How dare you!” a girl close behind me screamed.

  The hairs on my arms stood up straight when I realized the voice belonged to Ashton. She broke through us and advanced towards Hadie as though she was about to sucker punch her in the face.

  I honestly wouldn’t put it past her. I had seen her do it once before to Kance—not that she hadn’t deserved it. Hadie, on the other hand, looked like she’d already had a rough week. Yes, she had broken my heart, but a part of me still felt bad for her.

  Everyone in the hallway froze, anticipating the drama that was about to unfold. Since it involved Hadie and Ashton—two of the most interesting girls in school—I could tell that it was even more exciting to everyone.

  Hadie also froze in her tracks. A crowd was already forming around them, and further down the hall I could see Mariah and Estella hurrying towards Hadie. They wouldn’t make it in time though. Ashton Summers had already been unleashed.

  “Ashton, what?” Hadie asked, sounding as exhausted as she looked.

  Considering the dark circles around her eyes, it was entirely possible that she’d had a fitful night of sleep just like I had. Though I didn’t see why that would be. She was with the guy she loved—Three.

  “How dare you play around with Eddie like that!” Ashton yelled, stopping a few feet short of Hadie. “Do you think that you can just prance around and treat him however you want, and expect him to wait around for you?”

  The crowd pressed in tighter, now completely engrossed by the two girls. Normally, Ashton and Hadie were on the same side. This was something new and exciting for the pathetic student body.

  Free drama at its finest.

  Hadie’s eyes grew large, and she looked from Ashton to me. Finally I existed. When she needed someone to rescue her, I suddenly became visible.

  Burying my head in my hand, I made a quick decision. Just because I was going to be indifferent towards Hadie didn’t mean I was going to let Ashton humiliate her like this. No one deserved that—not even someone who had treated me like I meant nothing to them.

  “Ashton, stop,” I said, stepping forward.

  “No, don’t tell me to stop!” Ashton’s face turned bright pink. “This girl has screwed you for too long! She needs a reality check! You’ve been
nothing but sweet and kind and caring, but all she’s done is walk all over you! Well, I’m sick of it!”

  Someone made a sound of approval from beside me, and I saw it was Stacey. I gave her a firm look, letting her know that she didn’t need to get involved. Stacey scowled and crossed her arms across her chest, but kept her mouth shut.

  “Ashton,” I said gently, pulling her back by the elbow. Where were Luca and Riley when I needed them? Where the fuck were the teachers at? “This isn’t your fight. It’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay, Eddie!” Ashton spun on me, angry tears pooling in her eyes. “The way she treats you makes me sick. God, I just want her to fucking see what she’s done.”

  “Leave her alone.”

  Estella and Mariah had reached Estella’s side, and Estella had wrapped an arm around her while Mariah glared at Ashton.

  Oh, boy. I did not want a fight to break out between Mariah and Ashton—that was the last thing we needed. I had to diffuse this, and quickly.

  “Tell your friend if she ever fucks Eddie over again, I’ll break her-” Ashton was in the middle of saying when I grabbed her around the midsection and spun her around to face me.

  “Ashton, I love you, but that’s enough. We’re done here.”

  There was fire burning in her eyes, and I saw how tense her body was. I didn’t doubt that Ashton would swing a punch at anyone for me.

  “Please, don’t fight because of me,” Hadie said, her eyes sad as she moved in front of Mariah. “Ashton’s right. I did screw Eddie over, and the pain I’ve caused him is ripping my heart to shreds.”

  My hands fell to my sides, releasing Ashton. I stared at the girl I loved. Her eyes were distraught as she looked right back at me as though her heart really was breaking. For a second, I forgot that Hadie didn’t want me anymore. I forgot she had hurt me. And I remembered.

  I remembered how she felt against me. I remembered the way she would smile when she saw me. I remembered Hadie and me in the dead garden. In her bed. Warm bodies entangled. Mouths crushing. Hearts beating. Falling in love.

  Then just as quickly, the moment faded. Hadie looked away, and Ashton let out a low growl.