by Holt, Leah
Except for him. . . Jayden made it way too easy to ignore my morals and just act on impulse.
Pulling into the driveway, I forced a smile and waved. Getting out of my car, my mother was sitting on the front steps of my house, her hands folded in her lap.
“Hey, was she good?” I asked, pulling my purse up my shoulder and walking over to her.
“Of course, when isn't she good?” Laughing, my mother pressed her hands into the top step and stood up. Wiping the sand off her palms, she said, “She spent the whole time out here looking for fireflies. Wonder where she gets that?”
“Ha,” I laughed out loud and smirked. “Not from me, I hated bugs as a kid.”
Grunting, my mother rolled her eyes as she came down the steps and met me in the grass. “Yeah, no one that know you would believe that.” Taking her keys from her purse, she checked the time on her watch. “Alright, I'd love to stay and chat, but Dad needs his meds and supper.”
“How's he doing?” I asked, watching my daughter as she cautiously stepped around the yard with a small mason jar, oblivious to the fact I was there.
“Eh, he's doing his best, he has good days and bad days.”
Nodding my head, I didn't have anything to say to that. I knew my father hated what he was going through. Some days he was super positive and happy and full of life. Other days, all he wanted to do was sleep and be alone, pretending like the rest of the world didn't exist.
It was hard as hell to watch my father, once a strong pastor and voice to so many, lose himself this way. This disease had eaten through his soul, leaving us with half a person. He wasn't my father anymore, he wasn't the man I remembered.
We both stood silent for a long moment, no words to say, just a quiet moment where we both acknowledged, without saying it, the seriousness of my father's illness.
Sometimes there just weren't any words that would help or bring comfort. We had a lot of those moments now, knowing that time was literally ticking and could end at any time.
My mother finally ended the silence, asking, “How was the wake? Did you see. . .” Pausing, my mother couldn't bring herself to even say his name.” You know, did you see him?”
Ugh, why does she have to say it like that?
She had this tone to her voice and it irritated me. I wasn't a little girl anymore, he wasn't a part of my life, and hadn't been, for a decade. So why did she still act like he was somehow the reason for everything that went wrong in my life?
You know why, don't play dumb. And I just slept with him again.
Can she smell sex on me? Or his cologne?
Taking a step away from her, I tried to position myself against the wind. “Yeah, I did.” Folding my arms across my chest protectively, my heart was racing as I tried to talk normal and not freak out, or sound too defensive. “He's alright, I mean his father died, so he's as good as he can be I guess.”
“Well that's good, I'm glad you went. Did you—”
“No,” I said, cutting her off. “I didn't. It wasn't the time or the place. Can we not do this right now?”
“Alright, that's fine, I was just asking.” Holding up her hand, she adjusted her keys between her fingers and started walking backwards towards her car. “Tell Bliss I love her, I don't want to bother her while she's hunting.”
“I will, thanks for watching her, I'll call you tomorrow.”
“Don't forget, Saturday is the summer cookout. You're still going, right?”
Shit, I forgot all about it.
“Yeah, of course, we'll be there.”
“You forgot, didn't you?”
“No,” I lied.
“Yes you did, like I can't see the truth on your face.” Smiling, my mother started to climb into her car. “It starts at one, and you said you'd bring fruit salad, but I'm sure you remembered that.”
“Right, fruit salad, got it.” Giving her a thumbs up, my mother gave me a mocking smile as she backed out of my driveway.
Watching Bliss as she trotted around, doing her best to sneak up on fireflies with her jar, this rush of nostalgia flooded my body.
Images of Jayden and I catching fireflies popped into my head. I could hear our laughter in the wind as it blew between my ears, I could smell the humidity in the air, and feel the dirt on my feet as we balanced on our toes, trapping little bugs.
With each memory that swept through my mind, my body came alive. My skin felt hot, my chest was burning like I was inhaling red hot embers. Every muscle had tightened like corded rope, my stomach coiling and twisting as if tiny tornadoes were reeking havoc in my belly.
Dropping down onto my front step, I rested my face in my hands. I spent years trying to live my life without him, trying to forget him, trying to move on and forget my past.
Now he's here, and it's like all of that was for nothing. I gave in without words, without one conversation, without anything. It took two minutes of my time to get lost in his eyes, and forget where I was, who I was, and the life I had built.
His fingers touched my cheek, and instantly I became his puppet. His fingers, his eyes, his lips, all of Jayden Henry, and the man he had become, took charge of my body, pulling the stings.
“Mom! Mom!” My daughter ran up, her smile glowing from ear to ear. “Check it out, I got seven! Look!” Shoving the jar in my face, I watched the little bugs as their backsides popped with color.
“Nice job, Honey,” I said, taking the hair from around her face and pushing it behind her ear. “Okay, I need you to go inside to brush your teeth, and get ready for bed.”
“Can I keep them by my bed tonight?”
“No, you have to let them go.” Smiling, I took the jar from her hands and untwisted the top, handing it back. “If you keep them in the jar, they'll die. We don't want them to die, not if we want more fireflies for next summer.”
Bliss wrinkled her nose and frowned. “Lame,” she said as she pulled off the top and let the bugs fly free. “If I can't keep bugs, and you won't let me get a dog, what can I have?”
“Oh, Honey. . .” Twisting her shoulders, I walked her into the house. “When you're old enough to understand what it means to take care of a pet, then you can get something. Maybe a fish.”
Tipping her head back to look up at me, her feet sludged over the floor reluctantly. “I'm old enough now, I know I am. Grandma said you had chickens and a rooster, and she said you had two cats.”
“Grandma's make up stuff, especially when they want to convince their grandchildren to ask for things they'll never get.”
“So you're saying Grandma is lying?”
“No, I'm saying if you really want one, ask Grandma to get it for you, and keep it at her house.” Giving her a little push, I stopped moving. “Now go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.”
“Fine,” she whined, rolling her eyes and moving slow as a snail. “But I still think it's lame.”
“You think everything is lame. You know what I think is lame?” I asked.
Bliss looked at me over her shoulder, stopping in the bathroom door. “What?”
“A daughter who can't keep her room clean, but wants a pet.”
“That's not lame, Mom, that's an observation.”
“I still think it's lame.” Smiling, I dropped my purse on the kitchen counter and jerked my head in her direction. “Teeth, go, it's bed time.”
“When do I start staying up later? Eight is so early for bed.” Bliss was in the bathroom, putting toothpaste on her toothbrush. “I'm not a little kid anymore.”
“Can you drive?”
“No.”
“Can you cook yourself a meal?”
“I can cook scrambled eggs.”
“Not without my help, so that doesn't count. Can you get yourself up for school without me waking you?”
“No, but—”
“Uh, uh,” I said, tisking her. “Looks like I still get to make the rules.”
“Lame,” she said, stuffing the toothbrush into her mouth with a slight smirk on her face
.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Waving her off, I kicked off my shoes and walked into the living room. “We have a cookout Saturday at church, want to help me make a fruit salad?”
Popping her head out from the bathroom, her mouth was all foamy and full of toothpaste bubbles. “Can I pick out the fruit?” she asked, her words hard to understand and almost slurred.
“Yeah, you can.” Dropping onto the couch, I grabbed the remote and turned on the television. “We'll go tomorrow and get the stuff.”
“Can I pick out something for me too?”
“Like what?”
Shrugging her shoulder, she talked with her toothbrush in her mouth. “I don't know, I won't know until I see it.”
“I'm not making any promises.”
“La—”
Throwing up my finger, I stopped her from saying the full word. “Not another word, just brush your teeth.”
Bliss rolled her eyes playfully with a smile. “Fine,” she said, turning to go back into the bathroom.
I couldn't help but smile as she disappeared. Bliss was my everything. It's true when your parents tell you that there are things you won't understand until you have a child of your own. And I hated to admit they were right.
I knew love before, but not this level of love. I understood after having my daughter why my parents freaked over Jayden and me. When I thought about Bliss being in my shoes, it turned my stomach and made me feel ill.
It's not always easy to admit when your parents were right, that they did actually know what was best for you.
I apologized to them a week after Bliss was born, because it all finally made sense.
I never stopped having feelings for him, even though my father said the pain would go away.
Parents weren't always right. . .
Sometimes they were very wrong.
* * * *
“Can I get some marshmallows?”
“No,” I said swiftly, pushing the cart up the aisle. “We're getting fruit, remember?”
“Ooo, Mom,” she cooed excitedly, grabbing a bag off the shelf. “Can we get these cookies? They look so good.” Holding the bag up by her cheek, she was trying to give me puppy dog eyes.
“Nope, put them back.”
Those eyes might have worked once upon a time, but not anymore. My mom backbone had hardened, making it easy to tell her no.
“But—”
“No, Bliss, we're only here to get the fruit for—” Taking the corner, I crashed head on with another cart. “Oh, I'm so sorry,” I said immediately, before I even moved my eyes to the other shopper.
My breath hitched as my eyes slowly followed the wall of muscle in front of me. With a huge smirk on his face, Jayden was staring down at me, his eyes lingering for a moment on my lips.
A tingly sensation buzzed across my mouth as if my lips were remembering the feel of his. Running my tongue across my mouth, I could taste him on my skin. My cheeks flushed crimson as my skin heated from memories of his hands around my face, and his thumb stroking my jaw.
Chills shot down my spine, making my toes curl in my shoes. I couldn't look him directly in the eyes, afraid that he'd see the excitement on my face and body.
It was unsettling how being near him made my body react. He shouldn't have that kind of power, not anymore. Yet he did, and it didn't seem like there was anything I could do to shut it off.
Jayden's smirk deepened, as if he could see me shivering beneath the skin. Biting his bottom lip, his lids lowered as his eyes licked me up and down.
“Hey,” I said as casual as possible. “Never expected to see you here.”
His lips peeled back to reveal a bright, white smile. That damn smile made him look so innocent, but I knew better.
Jayden Henry was far from innocent.
Chuckling, he leaned forward on the handle of his cart and braided his fingers together. “Long time no see. How are you?” he asked teasingly, bouncing his brows up and down.
Smart ass.
“I'm doing good.” My voice wavered slightly as images of the other night flashed through my head. Swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat, I took a few steps back, pulling my carriage with me. “How are you?”
I was hoping that putting some space between us would make whatever was happening with my body stop. It didn't work.
The air around us was growing warmer and warmer, my ribs ached as I inhaled from the tightness in my chest. All the nerves in my brain were firing off, telling me to just keep moving.
Go! Go! Run around him!
Jayden Henry was nothing but trouble, and I didn't have time for that, I had a child to raise.
“I'm good, better now, that's for sure.” Jayden had this look in his eyes, one that said he was thinking about the other night too. I could see it, as if his pupils were tiny movie screens replaying our forbidden moment.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, highly aware of how space between us seemed to shrink.
“I'm buying food. That is what you do here right?” Looking around, he furrowed his brows as if he was in the wrong place.
Smiling, I laughed awkwardly. “You know what I mean. I'm surprised you're still here, I figured you would have left by now.”
“Why? I love this town, always have.” Jayden let out a sarcastic laugh.
“You haven't changed a bit, have you?”
Shrugging a shoulder, he twirled his thumbs around each other. “I wouldn't say that.”
Tilting my head, I asked, “So, are you here to stay then?”
“No, not exactly.” Looking down at his fingers, he fiddled with his nails for a moment. “Beth asked me to help with a few things after the funeral, so, here I am.” His eyes floated back up to mine, then over my shoulder.
Turning to follow his gaze, Bliss was standing slightly behind me, quietly reading the back of a box of granola bars. She wasn't paying any attention to him or to me, so I shouldn't have felt so neurotic over the fact she was there.
But I did.
Instantly, everything around me started to get fuzzy as he took note of my daughter. I couldn't breathe, and it felt like my body was starting to float. A cold sweat beaded up on the back of my neck, my hands were clammy and sticky.
Holding the carriage, I could swear that I was swaying as the sounds around me seemed to fade in and out. I never thought about him meeting my daughter, or what that would feel like.
I had once loved this man as a young girl, and those giddy feelings were still there, the butterflies were still there, but I wasn't a girl anymore, I was a mother. But that didn't mean I knew how to explain to my child who this man was.
Bliss was smart for her age, and if she felt something wasn't right, she'd speak up. I wasn't ready for her to start asking me questions.
Act cool, act normal. He's just an old friend, that's it.
“Well, are you going to introduce me?” he asked, arching a brow.
Clearing my throat, I wiped my hand on my thigh then placed it on her shoulder. “Of course, I'm sorry. Jayden, this is my daughter Bliss.” Bliss finally lifted her head, a little confused as she glanced between us. “Bliss, this is an old friend of mine, Jayden Henry.”
“Hey,” she said quickly with a soft smile.
“Hey,” Jayden said back, his lip quirked up at the corner.
Bliss put her attention back on me. “Can we buy these?” she asked, completely uninterested in the stranger.
Smiling with closed lips, I took the package of granola bars and set them back on the shelf. “Well, we need to finish up here, or she's going to fill this cart with a ton of stuff we don't need. It was good to see you.” Clenching the handle, I attempted to push the cart around him.
“Wait,” he said, holding out his arm to stop me from passing. “I'm in town for a little bit longer, maybe we can grab dinner one night, catch up on things? I didn't really get to talk to you at the wake.” Jayden winked as he bit his bottom lip, tugging it into his mouth.
The other
night. . . Why the hell did I do that?
The damn smile on his face sent a rush of warmth through my belly and down through my thighs. My stomach fluttered as my body revisited the way it felt with him inside me.
Everything around me went silent, I couldn't hear the music in the speakers, I couldn't hear any other voices, all I could hear was my heart beating inside my chest like a drum.
Say yes! Say yes!
Screw him! Where has he been all these years?
The little angel and devil on my shoulders were both taunting me to make a choice. There were so many reasons for me to say no. He was the past, that was where he needed to stay. I had a new life, one I carved without him in it.
But there were so many reasons to say yes. Jayden was the only man I could say I loved, he was the only one to make me truly feel like I could take on the world and win. He was constantly in my head, and always in my dreams.
He left and never came back until now.
I wasn't wrong to think that. For years I thought he'd come back for me even though I was the one who ended it. He never did, and each year that passed, the more I tried to convince myself that he wasn't who I thought he was.
What if I was wrong?
Don't, you know better.
“I'm sorry, I wish I could, but—”
“But you're married?”
“What? No, no, I'm not married. That's not it all.”
Bliss rested back against the wall of shelves, keeping her eyes down on another package as she spoke. “She's divorced.”
“Bliss,” I snapped, giving her an angry look.
“What?” Shrugging her shoulder, she took a brief pause to look up at me. “It's true.”
Jayden smiled, tipping his head towards my daughter. “I like her, she's not afraid to speak the truth. Reminds me of her mother.”
Rolling my eyes, I had to agree. “Yeah, a little too much.”
“That's not a bad thing, Blue.”
Laughing out loud, Bliss cocked her head. “Blue?” she cut in, her face contorted and twisted. “Why did he call you Blue?”
“Your mother doesn't go by that anymore?” Jayden glanced between us, letting his eyes settle on mine. “I thought that would be your nickname forever?”
Not giving me time to answer, my daughter spoke. “Betty, that's what everyone calls her.” Bliss flicked her eyes back to me as she asked, “Where does Blue come from? That's a weird nickname.”
