Fianna Kelly Versus the Jeebees: A Collection of Steampunk Stories

by Harry Dodgson

  "I would have to be a foolish girl to object. How about Bradan? Will he be allowed to stay with me?"

  "I am sure your companion will be able to follow us. The ceilings are high and the corridors wide. It may not fit into some of the rooms but we won't be in them for long."

  "That is not what I meant, sir."

  "Oh. You were asking if it can be with you while you compete. Of course, it can. As a matter of tradition, you are allowed a second. Now that is a very useful rule which few will dispute."

  "I've never had a second. What does one do?"

  "They stand near you, hold your rifle, and take your place if required. It would be desirable for it to stand off to one side though as it is rather large."

  The introductions were just a formality. Mr. Balfour was good at making speeches though. All I had to do was curtsy when introduced. Due to late registration, I was placed at the bottom of the lists instead of by name. I was happy to be placed anywhere on the lists.

  "This is where I must leave you. I will be watching from the stands though."

  "How can I thank you for all your help?"

  "One never knows when the opportunity comes along to help another."

  I watched as Mr. Balfour walked away for a minute before heading down to the firing range. Being low on the lists meant I had to wait longer for my first round than usual. I had nothing else to do, so I talked to Bradan quietly until my name was called. He made no comments and just stood in the one spot.

  I was finally here standing at my mark. My rifle was loaded and I was looking down range at a simple paper target. I was so excited. I just had to relax, line up the bulls-eye in the telescope, and put five bullets into the target. If only it was that easy.

  It only took a light pull on the trigger. I fired. It was not perfect, but very good for the first one. I fired four more times. As was the custom, I stood at parade rest stance to wait for the others to finish and the judges to announce the scores.

  Usually, there isn't much to say about tournaments. Ten of us would line up and shoot five rounds at the targets. Then the judges would tally the points and some of us would advance to the next round. Three of us in my group scored high enough to advance in the first round. For the next round, the targets were placed further away and the minimum score to advance was raised. Our names were re-arranged to form new groups. I scored well again.

  Each time I advanced was like earning a day's pay at home. I didn't need the money anymore, but it felt good to be earning it like this; one round at a time. Most rounds, there would be those who failed to make the score. One time, everyone in my group advanced to the next round.

  I relaxed and tried to remain calm while shooting; save my enthusiasm for when they announced the scores. People must wonder why I got so excited during the early rounds. I needed a way to release the tension that had built up. Sometimes I felt like I would explode out of my corset.

  Between rounds, I had the opportunity to talk with the other contestants. I made many new friends that day. To be sure, we exchanged addresses and promised to write. My father said you could never have too many friends, but my mother had a different saying when many of them showed up for dinner at the same time.

  A man came up to me and introduced himself. His name was Eric and he had just been eliminated from competition. He was handsome and very polite. We talked between my rounds; mostly about rifles. He suggested that I might get better scores by cleaning inside the barrel of my rifle frequently, like the American team was doing. They were using muzzle-loaders so it only made sense for them. I wasn't sure it would help me, but it couldn't hurt.

  Later on, a woman joined a group of us taking a break. She was from Germany and was barely getting the scores to progress. She said, "I am amazed at the antiques you are using. I have here a real working-person's rifle. It holds 7 cartridges in the butt and I can load, fire, and eject them without losing sight of the target. Fianna has that breech loader. I can fire all mine before she can fire her third one. Then there is Nelly with her muzzle loader. She won't have gotten off her first shot in time to see me fire."

  "It is good for us that we did not enrol in the fast draw competition then, isn't it?" I replied.

  I made it to the last round. The ten people with the highest accumulated scores had ten more shots to get the highest score and win the best overall prize. The two next highest would get consolation prizes and the rest could only say they had made it to the final round. I did not want to be one of the rest.

  It was evening, the sun was low in the sky, and the targets were 1000 yards down range. That was past what I had ever tried before. I had set the zoom of my telescope as high as it went and the bulls-eye still looked tiny. I relaxed and glanced at Bradan for support. It was not like he would wish me luck or give me a reassuring nod. At least he was not telling me that I was in danger. Eric, on the other hand, had wished me luck earlier and was standing next to Bradan.

  I carefully fired ten shots. I walked to the side-lines and handed Bradan my rifle, cartridge case, and goggles; I would not be needing them again today. All of the contestants lined up in front of the judging stand to hear the results.

  "Best overall with 1208 points is Mr. Michael Wiley from Texas, America. Second best with 1197 points is Mr. David Sinclair from New York, America. Third overall with 1175 points goes to Miss Fianna Kelly from Ireland, United Kingdom. We wish to thank everyone for their participation and hope to see them here again next year."

  I was a mess of emotions. I was overjoyed that I made the top three. I was disappointed I was not first overall. I was relieved it was over. I was tired from everything that happened this week. I was planning a long soak in a warm tub tonight. I wondered if Bradan's boiler could be connected to the tub and keep it warm for hours.

  But the announcements weren't over yet. I was entered in several divisions and expected to win a few more quid. After they finished, I collected my medals and winnings, called to Bradan, and we left the firing range. We didn't get very far before I was almost tackled by three women; my friends Melissa, Sheela, and Darina.

  Darina said, "We found you at last!"

  I asked, "Did you get the message I left?"

  "We received this letter by pneumatic mail:

  Sorry I missed you at the station.

  I was busy fighting a war.

  See you tomorrow.

  Fianna

  Was that the one?" responded Melissa.

  "It was."

  Sheela continued, "We laughed hysterically until we cried. Then we went out for dinner, read the papers, and saw it was true."

  Darina added, "That explains what you were doing during the day. What about last night?"

  I replied, "Oh, I went to the ball. Remember the tournament invitation also included an invitation to a formal ball the night before the competition?"

  Melissa said, "We remember you singing that song over and over how you had nothing to wear."

  Bonnets she had plenty Shawls to count by twenty

  but still her refrain As she walk'd the city fair

  was I'm tir'd of this duster it puts me in a fluster

  I declare it's too provoking that I've nothing to wear.[iv]

  I said, "Well, yesterday I found this wonderful shop that let me borrow a lovely blue satin gown and white shoes with bows for almost nothing. My dance card was full; I never danced so much in all my life. I will tell you all about it later. What did you do?"

  Melissa answered, "We had a fantastic time too. The only way it could have been better would have been once you were in it. When everyone in the pub found out we were friends of the woman who saved London, we couldn't pay for a drink once we tried. You would be surprised how much everyone wanted to know about you. We saved the best tales until they enticed us with food. The dishes that were brought here from India are good and spicy hot."

  "You didn't tell them of that time we jumped in the Irish Sea during winter, did you?"

  "We only mentioned good time
s. Once they knew what you were really like, we'd be paying for our own drinks."

  Darina added, "We have decided that once you plan any other tournament trips, we will be there to support you. Come with us to the pub tonight. I would say the drinks will be on us, but I am sure that you won't be able to drink all you are offered."

  "You only have to ask me once."

  My friend, Bevin, ran up behind the others, out of breath.

  "Did I miss the announcements?" she gasped.

  "You did. What were you doing?" I asked.

  "I was talking to a guy we met last night. He's going to write a ballad about you and I will play my concertina."

  "Tell me you didn't bring that here."

  "I bring it everywhere I go. Anyway, how did you do?"

  "I placed third overall."

  "Are you disappointed?" asked Darina.

  "I am just a bit disappointed, but I competed against some of the best in the world. Do you know what that means?"

  "What?" asked Bevin.

  "It means I am now one of the best in the world. In addition, I earned three other medals: best woman contestant, best score with an experimental weapon, and best score among combat veterans. That last one was a surprise."

  "How much money did you win?" asked Melissa.

  "About 20 quid."

  "Let's go and try to spend some of it. I bet we can't," said Darina.

  • June 11

  I was sitting in the hotel lobby waiting for my friends when I saw a familiar face. I said, "Good morning, Eric. How was your evening?"

  "You Irish lasses sure know how to party. I'm sorry I couldn't stay for all of it; any longer and they would have had to carry me back to the hotel."

  "Thank you. We like to have a good time."

  "I read that you saved the Brits. What did they give you for it; A shiny brass medal?"

  "They gave me 960 pounds, a rifle, a pistol, and this..."

  I showed him my new gold charm bracelet with precious jewels amongst the charms.

  "'Tis the prettiest thing that has ever been my own."

  "What are you going to do now?"

  "I'm going home"

  "Before you go, I'd like to invite you to perform at the International Colonial and Export Exhibition in my home country, the Nederlands."

  "I don't know. This has been a hectic week."

  "It's several months away so you'll have plenty of time to rest. Plus, it is not a competition, but an exhibition. It will be an opportunity to demonstrate your rifle and your marksmanship to my countrymen... and women."

  "Okay, you talked me into it. I'd appreciate it if you could mail me a postcard with the details so I don't forget."

  My friends chose that moment to make their presence known. They were loaded down with assorted bags and cases. I suspect they went shopping while I was otherwise occupied.

  I asked them. "Would all of you like to ride back home with Bradan and I? We are going by rail car to the coast and then we will find a nice, clean ferry to Dublin. Perhaps you'd prefer those boring airships instead?"

  End

  TWO

  'Tis closer than I thought.

  • September 1

  I asked, "Why do I have the feeling that I am being taken advantage of?"

  My cousin Felix replied, "I don't know. Do you have that feeling often?"

  "No, I don't."

  "Then how can you be certain that is the feeling you are having? Maybe you are feeling happy. You don't have that feeling often either."

  I liked him a lot and we loved to tease each other. To look at us, people would think we were twins. We've been told that we act like twins too; always competing with each other for the last word. Felix had tried several times over the course of a month to convince me to come to this scientific convention with him until I finally relented. Now I was wondering if I had made the right decision.

  "Perhaps I am happy that you invited me to go with you to a convention of scientists. Perhaps I will enjoy being in a building filled exclusively with old men who will treat me like an idiot."

  "It won't be like that, I promise."

  "Cross your heart and hope I don't miss it when I shoot you?"

  "Yes... What was that last part?"

  "How much further?"

  "About one mile less than the last time you asked."

  I glanced back at Bradan as if I expected him to say how he felt. His display was blank as usual. He was carrying my rifle and pistol because I was paranoid as usual. Felix was acting happy which for him was usual.

  Felix said, "You are right though. I am taking advantage of you having Bradan with you constantly.

  "Does that mean what I think? That you are going to display Bradan as if you built him?"

  "Of course not... You are going to be on the display with him extolling the benefits of automatons as servants. That is why I asked you to dress as if you were going out to a dance and not like you were going to be scrubbing floors."

  "I recall reading that story and I forgot my glass slippers. When were you planning to tell me that we were going to be put on a pedestal?"

  "As soon as we got in sight of our destination. In other words, right now."

  "Did you think I might refuse?"

  "Not for a second. I figured if you knew, you'd tire out the horses getting here."

  "I'm getting a strange feeling."

  "That's just stage fright. Knowing you, it will pass quickly. I'll let you and Bradan get out by the entrance and I'll take the wagon to the stables. You will wait for me, yes?"

  "We will display ourselves outside until you return to show us off with a grand entrance."

  "That's good enough. Try to smile when people stare at you."

  I gave him my best impression of a lioness baring her claws and teeth. He knew what it meant as I had been doing it to him since we were children. He would normally feign fear and cover his face with his arms, but he couldn't do that and reign in the horses at the same time.

  I was not impressed with the venue. It looked more like a circus than a convention. Perhaps I was expecting too much; like the Royal Albert Hall. I had seen that and it was magnificent. This was several giant tents connected together by smaller tents. At least it would not be like a hothouse inside and I could remove my bonnet.

  Getting Bradan out of the wagon was always difficult. He couldn't see behind him and there wasn't enough room for him to turn around. I had to tell him how to move his legs as he slowly backed out. Once he got one leg on the ground, Felix moved the horses forward a few steps so Bradan could bring his other two legs down. We moved off the dirt path to wait so other wagons and carriages could drive by and discharge their passengers.

  I think Felix was hoping that we'd enter the convention all by ourselves and be noticed by everyone. That didn't happen. We were in the middle of several groups of people and Bradan had to be careful not to step on them. They had to be careful not to push on him since he was hotter than usual due to being out in the sun. Bradan and I found a spot out of the crowds while Felix did the required paperwork.

  He said, "According to this, we have a place in the Northwest tent. We don't need to go directly there. Let's take the long route and see who else is here."

  "We need to stay close to Bradan and watch for people. I worry that he'll accidentally fall on someone who didn't watch where they were going and crush them."

  "That's a good idea. I'll take his right side; you take his left."

  It took us an hour to reach our assigned spot. Felix had to stop and inspect every exhibit on the way. I feigned interest in a few, but I didn't understand most of them. I wondered how many times it would take before I atoned for what I had done to my father in Dublin. I silently prayed for forgiveness.

  We approached an area roped off with his name on a paper hanging from them. "I just need you and Bradan to stand here and look pretty while I talk to people who walk by."

  "I don't know if I can do that," I replied.

&nbs
p; "You can't stand there or you can't look pretty?"

  "A bit of both," I said with a big smile.

  He laughed a bit and asked me, "Would you rather I stand there and you talk to people?"

  "It might be more interesting with you standing next to Bradan with you wearing your Sunday best suit."

  "I'm in a very good mood. Let's both talk to the people. Tell them how helpful Bradan has been in your life."

  That was how it went most of the day. I would tell people the very short version of Bradan and I, omitting the jeebees and the fighting, while emphasising how he carried heavy items and looked out for me. Felix would tell people how one day every family will have a mechanical servant. Bradan just stood, looking imposing, and not really making it easier for Felix. It seemed that people wanted people-sized automatons and Bradan was not even close. He was more elephant-sized.

  When we felt like it, one of us would go out and see what was happening in the rest of our tent. Felix would come back and tell me about wonderful inventions and how everything would be so much better in the future. I didn't see what he saw when I went looking. I saw wooden boxes filled with brass pipes and gauges. I saw glass spheres with strange gases inside connected to other glass spheres with thin wires. I saw metal contraptions with gears and pistons and devices powered by steam engines. I felt overdressed as the few women attending the convention were wearing the same dresses that they wore any other day.

  There were periods where we'd have several interested families at once and times when we were standing around by ourselves. I had to keep too curious children from getting close to Bradan as there were places on his body that could burn them. This did not help Felix's speech about household automatons as few would want one that could catch their house on fire by accident. I think Felix would have done better with a few barrels lashed together and a smile painted on one.

  Felix bought us some sausages for lunch. He said they had been cooked by electricity. I didn't think that would ever be popular because they were unevenly cooked with some areas cold and other spots burnt. At least it was real food. He also brought us salads with giant vegetables grown by special processes. It seemed to me that a tomato only had so much flavour, and when you made it bigger, each slice was less tasty. Lettuce had no taste to me no matter what size it had grown to.