Even though I am lost in thought, I hear the soft footfalls upon the stone path that lead him directly to me. With his hands shoved deeply into his trouser pockets, he silently holds my eyes for a long agonizing moment. I cannot help but think that he should not be here with me. His eyes tell me that he knows it as well.
This, whatever this is, cannot be allowed to happen.
Nothing more can transpire between us. I do not even want to think about the consequences should anyone find us together or discover that we shared a kiss. I feel the color drain from my face as I hold his eyes.
"I thought it was you."
His words are nothing more than the barest of whispers. It would be dangerous for anyone to find us in the moonlit gardens alone together. He has to know that. I know it and yet, neither one of us move to leave. I have to fight myself not to go to him. I only want to be in the warm circle of his embrace where I can forget that there will never be an us.
Unable to hold his gaze any longer, I force my eyes away. The hot sting of tears is already pricking them which is utter nonsense. I should not have these strangely tender feelings for him. In fact, I should not have any feelings for him. But knowing this does not lessen them or make them go away. Nor does it make any of this easier to accept.
These feelings are like a flower blooming within my heart. The more I gaze at him, and he at me, the healthier and heartier that flower becomes. But I know that the bloom must be callously ripped out by its roots for it would be a mistake of epic proportions to allow it to flourish.
Disastrous.
"I know." I mouth the words unhappily.
"I wanted it to be you," he murmurs.
My eyes widen. He should not say such things! I shake my head frantically. My voice growing stronger, steadier as I say, "I was never meant for you."
"I know." No longer can he hold my gaze.
"Shaylee is my sister. I... I cannot. Whatever it is you are asking... I cannot."
He drops his chin to his chest. "I know." Then he skewers me with a hard edged look before straightening his shoulders. "I will speak with the Queen immediately."
Frantically I jump from my spot on the bench. My trembling hands fly to his chest. "No, you mustn't!" If my insides were pinched and twisted only moments ago, it is nothing compared to the sickness that now rolls through it upon hearing his intention to speak with the Queen. "You must never breathe a word of this to anyone! There can never be anything between us! You are betrothed to my sister. Your union was foretold to the Queen herself! It cannot be undone!"
I am frantic now, babbling, trying to convince him that we must forget what has occurred between us this night. However magical it might have felt. "It was just one dance! That is all." The lie, when it crosses my lips, is painful because nothing could be further from the truth. I have no idea why he is the one my heart longs for, but he is.
Never can I give in to that.
"Look at me, Lilianna."
My name on his lips is like the softest of caresses as it wraps itself around me and I cannot help but turn my eyes to his, allowing them to be captured.
"From the moment I saw you twirling about by yourself something within me was completely, utterly captivated. And then when I held you in my arms and we kissed..." his words trail off and I too think about what it felt like when his lips touched mine. Never have I experienced anything like it before. I never knew something so magical could exist.
But it does.
I will just never possess it.
His shoulders straighten more resolutely this time. "No, I will not let this go."
"We have no choice in the matter!"
He smiles thinly in response. "There are always choices. That does not mean they are easily made.”
I shake my head whispering, "Do not ask me to hurt Shaylee."
My hands are still pressed against his chest as if to ward him off. Gently he takes them, pulling me closer until I am all but wrapped in his warm embrace. I should be fighting this! I should not allow him to hold me so intimately but I cannot find the strength of will to push him away.
Finally, giving in to temptation, I lay my cheek against the solid wall of his chest before closing my eyes. "I cannot hurt her," I murmur the words brokenly because how can I do anything other than hurt her? Right now, at this very moment, I am hurting her. She just doesn't know it.
Yet...
"Meet me at dawn tomorrow by the old oak tree so we may talk." Tenderly he kisses the top of my head.
It takes everything within me to tear myself from him. As I do, my heart shatters into a million jagged little pieces. Whatever is growing between us has to be stopped and it must be stopped this night because if it is not, I will no longer have the strength of will to turn against my own beating heart. Tomorrow will be too late. Already it feels too late but I must try. I have to stop this for Shaylee's sake.
And for Ryland's as well.
I must be strong for all of us.
Deep in my heart I know nothing good can come of this. The feeling is like a deep foreboding that refuses to be ignored.
But is that enough to keep us apart?
I fear it is not.
Chapter Ten
Unable to lie still a moment longer, I wash and dress for the day. The pink and purple fingers of sunrise are just beginning to stretch across the eastern horizon when I leave the palace walls behind me. There was a moment after waking when I looked out the window and honestly believed I could harden my heart against Ryland for Shaylee's sake, so as not to betray her along with the entire Faerie Realm. But it turns out that I am not nearly strong enough to do so. The grief that pounded through me at the notion of never being with him again was so consuming that before I knew it, I was flying out the door, leaving everything behind.
Morals.
Trust.
Loyalty.
Everything I believed myself to be.
I relinquish it all for Ryland's love.
Lifting my skirts, I begin to run. I run as if every moment of separation from him is a lifetime. And truly it feels so. My heart pounds as I fly through the tall, sun kissed grass of the meadow. The gurgling stream is to my right and I follow it all the way to the ancient oak that hangs precariously over the gently flowing water. It leans at such an odd angle that it seems as if it should topple into the water at any given moment but it does not. Somehow it is strong and solid, refusing to bend to the forces of the Faerie Realm.
Just as I spot the gnarled old tree jutting out over the sparkling water that rushes past it, I see Ryland standing beneath it. If it's possible, my slippered feet fly even faster across the soft grass only wanting to be ensconced in his strong embrace.
He opens his arms as I catapult myself into them. It is only when they are wrapped firmly around me, holding me so close that I hear the crazy beating of his heart, that I am finally, finally able to breathe again. Only then do I realize that I have spent the past five days choking and gasping, trying to draw in enough air to sustain life.
He is the very air needed for breath.
His lips stroke over mine and something powerful begins to hum through me at the contact making every fiber of my being come alive. He turns so that my back is pressed against the tree, his hands cage me in but I do not feel trapped. I feel as if my very soul has been released and is soaring over the meadow we stand in. It is the most exhilarating, breathtaking feeling.
How will I ever be strong enough to let him go when he is the only one capable of rousing such feelings within me?
Finally he breaks free, his hands going to my face, cradling it gently.
"You came," he breathes, "I was not sure you would."
"How could I not?"
"You did not come the previous four mornings."
I bite down upon my lower lip as I hold his eyes with my troubled ones. "I... I could not. I had to try and stop whatever," I gesture between us, "this is. We both know it should not be happening." Whatever is between us feels as if
it is a living breathing entity, all but impossible to walk away from.
Slowly he nods but the look in his eyes is determined. "If you did not feel as strongly as I, you would not be here with me now."
My eyes fasten onto the ground for he is absolutely right. I have been battling my own heart these past few days. Only now do I realize that I have lost the war raging within me. And so I stand before him now unable to change my heart, unable to harden it against the onslaught of his love.
And still, I do not know what to do.
If I give in to it, I will destroy the Faerie Realm in the process.
I will betray my sister. Steal what was always meant to be hers.
The relentless indecision is killing me.
"Lilianna," he whispers gently, "we were meant for one another. I feel it. I have felt it from the very first moment I laid eyes upon you. I know you feel it as well."
My eyes are irresistibly drawn to his as if there is a magnet connecting us, pulling me towards him. "Yes."
Of course I feel it.
From the first moment I saw him, something within him called to me. Whatever is between us would have to be powerful, magical, all-encompassing for me to betray the realm as well as my own flesh and blood.
So, yes, I feel it. Never could I have imagined just such a love. I feel it coursing through me, over me, like the rush of a river over its bed. It feels futile to continue struggling against it. In fact, the more I fight, the more immersed I seem to become within it.
Do I continue fighting against destiny?
Or do I steal it?
I do not know.
"We will figure this out. I promise, we will figure out a way to be together because," he pauses, his face changing, growing more serious, "there is simply no other way."
No longer can I imagine living without Ryland but I also cannot imagine changing our fate, our places in this world. Our fates were never meant to be entwined. I shiver at the notion of going against the Faerie Queen. And that is exactly what we will be doing if we continue along this path, if we continue to love one another. My stomach churns at the notion as well as the consequences.
No good will come of this.
I feel it in my bones.
Ryland kisses the tip of my nose. "Let's not think about that right now." He looks across the stream to where the sun continues to rise. The eastern sky has been painted with fresh vivid strokes of all shades pink and purple. Light and color streak across the horizon like magic drenching everything in a shimmering brilliance. "Let's just enjoy the sunrise. Together." He smiles and I cannot help but return his sudden change in humor. He takes my hand leading me to the stream where we sit in the soft green grass watching a show which seems to be taking place solely for us. Ryland wraps his arms around me so that I am leaning against him, into his very being until we are no longer two but one. Hearing the solid steady beat of his heart, I sigh, feeling more contented than I have any right to be.
How can this possibly be wrong?
When being together feels this perfect, how can disaster be all but imminent? It doesn't make any sense.
His fingers slide beneath my chin tipping it upwards gently until my eyes meet his. "You're thinking again. Stop it. Enjoy the few stolen moments we have together this morning." He leans over, capturing my lips and whatever I was thinking disintegrates at his very touch. I lose myself in the feel of his warm lips caressing mine. The hum of energy we always seem to generate charges the very air between us. I feel invincible when we are together. Anything, everything feels possible.
Smiling down at me, he pulls away. "I want to spend every sunrise with you."
It is a nice dream but still, in this moment, that is all it is.
A simple dream of togetherness.
"I want that more than anything," I murmur softly.
"Then we will make it happen."
I force my lips to slide upwards because I cannot bear to believe in this dream. I cannot foresee how it will ever come to pass but he is right, this is our stolen moment together and I dare not ruin it. I do not want to think about what the future will bring.
So we sit beneath the leaning oak tree, a tree rumored to be powerful with magic, and we watch the sun slowly rise over the Faerie Realm. We hold hands. And we kiss. No longer do we speak about the future. Even though we do not speak the words, it sits between us.
It is a promise.
A promise of togetherness.
Every moment I am wrapped in Ryland's arms I feel our love grow stronger. For just a few moments I actually believe there is a way for us to be together and I think that perhaps, just perhaps, we really do have a future together. One where we are free to love one another.
Chapter Eleven
My feet are numb as I force myself to walk the last remaining steps to the Queen’s private quarters. Fear and dread bloom through my entire being until it feels like I am being suffocated from within. With every step, my stomach churns in agitation. I cannot imagine why she has summoned me to her private rooms. Whatever the reason, it does not bode well for me.
One foot in front of the other.
I repeat these words over and over in my head so that I will keep propelling myself forward. I am completely beneath the Queen’s regard. She should not even know I breathe the same air as she does. But obviously that is not the case. I have a terrible feeling this will all circle back to Ryland. That is the only plausible explanation I can come up with. I thought we were being so careful in regards to our feelings. But perhaps we have not been nearly as cautious as we should have been.
Were our morning absences remarked upon by the faerie guard?
Has the Queen witnessed our stolen glances from across the candle lit dining table?
Bile rises swiftly within my belly.
Fleetingly I wonder if anyone has been beheaded within the Faerie Realm lately. I do not believe so. Perhaps I will be the first. That thought makes me even queasier. I think the blood has drained completely away from my head for I suddenly feel dizzy.
Ryland and I have taken great pains never to be seen together.
We do not stand next to one another or even speak unless it is at some clandestine meeting place. And even though it feels all but impossible, I try to keep my eyes away from his. I know all too well how precarious our situation has become. Because of that, there are moments when I still try hardening my heart against the love that floods through it for I know it is the right thing to do.
If I were a better person, a more devoted sister, more loyal to the Queen; I would leave the palace gates behind and never look back. I would allow Ryland and Shaylee to rule the Faerie Realm as it has been foretold.
But I do not.
Instead I dwell upon how and when we will be able to sneak away, when we will be able to steal a few precious moments alone together. I dream about his lips brushing across mine, taking me to a place I never dared to imagine. I hunger for the feel of his arms wrapped protectively around me, blanketing my senses, encouraging me to forget that we engage in the forbidden. Our love is a betrayal of everything we are, everything we know.
It is a betrayal to all those around us.
Even though my feet have been dragging, I arrive at the Queen's ruby studded doors all too soon. The guards take one look at me before throwing the ornately carved doors open in silent invitation. There is nothing I can do but walk slowly into the splendor that is her private receiving chamber. The very moment I step inside, her barely leashed power slaps at me, nearly stealing my very breath away. For the barest of moments, I steady myself, straightening my shoulders resolutely.
Rather discreetly I lift my lashes only to find her sitting directly before me. The walk to reach her is still a good distance away. It is difficult to stop my knees from knocking against one another as I proceed forward.
She reclines in a lavish throne that is just as majestic as she is. It dominates the magnificent room and if I were not already aware that I am incredibly insignificant to th
e Faerie Realm and to the Queen, I would certainly understand that now. I keep my eyes downcast for I feel hers crawling over me, examining me as if I am some sort of strangely curious specimen.
When I am finally before her, I sweep into a deep curtsey so that I’m practically kissing the cold marble floor at her feet. I hold the pose for several long moments that begin to feel agonizing until I am finally signaled to rise. Even as I raise myself upward, I keep my eyes downcast, folding my hands demurely in front of me.
"Lilianna-"
Without thinking I glance up, surprised that she would even bother to speak my name. Catching my eyes, she ensnares them with a steely gaze before giving me a small wintery smile. Not once does she release them. A shiver of fear slices clean through me. That is the precise moment I notice Ryland standing stiffly at her side. I dare not glance at him but know with certainty that his eyes are on me. The warmth of his gaze fills me with heat but I do not dare to acknowledge his presence.
"You must be wondering why I summoned you here."
Hesitantly I dip my chin. "Yes, my Queen."
Drumming her fingers rhythmically on the arm of her golden throne, she finally says, "Your sister, the future queen, tells me that your assistance here at the palace has been indispensable."
"I hope so, my Queen." Nerves jump and tighten in my belly because I do not understand where this conversation is leading. Privately I acknowledge that her words could not be further from the truth and I wonder- does she already know?
"Hmmm." She studies me for an infinite amount of time. Any moment I will begin squirming under her relentless, hard-edged amethyst gaze. It feels as if she is able to ferret out all the terrible secrets I am desperately trying to hide not only from her but from everyone else around me. It feels as if she is able to sift through them simply by gazing into my eyes. Is she that powerful? I gulp at such a frightening thought. "I wanted to meet the faerie who has enchanted so many of my loyal subjects."
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