Rewind

by Mariam Alaa

  “Yeah,” I huff out after remaining silent for the past few seconds.

  She pulls back her hand, dozing off to the ceiling of the market as she blurts out, “It always comes down to money, doesn’t it?”

  What?

  What the hell does that mean?

  I never thought that the reason why my parents had problems with Evelyn was because of some cash, and now I’m more confused than ever.

  Just as I was about to question it, an ear-piercing sob resonates into the semi people-vacant market, causing Laura to go back to her cart where her baby is crying. She picks her up, securing her in her hold with one hand and places the other on the cart.

  “I’ve got to go.” She offers me a genuine smile. “It’s good to see you, Evelyn.”

  Those were her last words before driving her attention back to her child and slowly moving forward, leaving me behind lost in my own thoughts.

  Chapter 17

  26/6/2015

  Dear Diary,

  I have decided that the twenty sixth of June is just not my day. It’s a curse. An awful, horrible, hideous, terrible and a malicious curse. It’s a black cat. It’s the day that rained on my parade. The day that slapped me in the face. I wish I can just forget about those last sixty minutes. I wish I could have the ability to choose what my mind locks in those damn memory cells, to have the ability to remember the things I want to know, the memories I truly cherish, and throw away the ones that break you and worse: the ones that haunt you in the middle of the night. For this sole reason of my new profound hatred for June twenty six, I created a name for this specific date to remind me of the reason behind my not everlasting happiness: my parents. For this reason, I decided to call this certain time of the year ‘International Disowning-My-Parents Day’.

  Even if it wasn’t really international- just Adam and I wishing to disown our parents.

  Today was the day that- at its beginning- I was looking forward to and near its end, I was already loathing it. The day Adam and I decided to finally gather our parents in order to keep them up to date with our recent plans. We were supposedly going to tell them on how we picked a date for our wedding day which will be three months ahead from today. I had already called a wedding planner and scheduled an appointment with her next month, since her schedule’s almost full, and that was the closest available free space. Excitement forced adrenaline to burst through my veins and into my heart, causing it to pump faster and harder. I was so excited to see the look on my mother’s face. She’s always encouraged me to strive hard in life, to work hard for the things I love, to be cautious with my emotions, to never mistake care and affection for love, and to never let the person you love slip away through my fingers if I know that he’s the one.

  I always thought that I have the best parents in the world; that no other parents could match mine, and that they will forever remain my role models, but I’ve never been more wrong. I always thought I was grateful for having the most understanding parents ever; the most thoughtful parents in this world, but they weren’t apparently- not when their postures stiffened and their gazes ran cold at our announcement. To say that their reaction swung me by surprise was an understatement. From all the possible reactions running through my head, this wasn’t one of them. This was out of the box. This was confusing as well as painful especially when both parents- mine and Adam’s- reacted in the same way. I didn’t know about Adam, and I didn’t have it in me to rotate my head to the left to take a peek at him, but for me, this felt like a sudden stab to the heart, seeing those closest to me- the ones who matter to me the most- not share my happiness with me.

  What can I say?

  Money does bring out the worst in the best.

  “Is something wrong?” I have asked, trying so hard to keep away the hurt from being too evident in my voice. Is it the date that they don’t like? Because if that’s the case, then we can always change it. We haven’t even booked yet, but we were planning to. If this wasn’t the case though, then what was? Were they mad I called the wedding planner without telling them? Is this why they’re not beaming with joy like I thought they would? Is this why they’re still sitting on the couch instead of running into my arms? Is this why they’re frozen in their seats instead of already spreading the news to the neighbours? Couldn’t they at least pretend to be happy for my sake? For our sake?

  Both my dad and Adam’s shared a look before my dad’s jaw ticked, suddenly angry, as he states for a fact, “You can’t get married.”

  While I was fighting myself not to curse-yell at my father for being so blunt about something as important to me as my destiny- as my life, Adam’s dad was agreeing on what my dad just said. I wouldn’t have even figured it out if it weren’t for me eyeing him warily as he nodded too eagerly for my liking.

  “Why not?” Adam voices out my thoughts- only demonstrating his rage whereas I did my best to keep it under control.

  “Because,” my mom speaks out quickly- so quickly- as if afraid my dad would say the wrong thing before she continues, “This isn’t your soulmate. Adam’s not your true love, Evelyn. You’re still too young to understand your feelings.”

  My heart’s pace fastened beneath my chest as I raise my eyebrows accusingly. “What the hell does that mean mom? I’m almost 19! You married dad when you were 20, and you’re not me! You do not have a single clue on what I feel for Adam. ‘It’s impossible for someone to understand what another truly feels’. You said that to me once, and I might’ve believed that was what you honestly believed if it weren’t for the wavering in your voice.”

  I cross my arms over my chest adamantly. “Now tell me what’s really going on.”

  Just as my father was about to answer, my mom stops him with her hand as she states in a cold demeanour, “Your father and I do not approve of Adam. He’s no—”

  I cut her off, speed-walk till I’m just a few feet away from her, place my right hand in front of her, and point to my ring finger where my engagement ring was before I reply in an equally cold expression, “Well, it’s too late for that, isn’t it? You know mom? If you had a problem with Adam and I being together in the first place then you should’ve spoken to me before maybe we decided to get engaged, before he became my fiancé, and before you even agreed. Why would you agree on our engagement if you didn’t like Adam from the very beginning? I don’t believe you, so please just stop with the nonsense talk because honestly you’re just giving me a headache and tell me where the problem real—“

  Adam’s father- Gabriel Sanderson- interrupts me with a loud, rage-full voice. “The problem is that with the both of you getting married.” He shares a knowing look with the rest of the parents before diverting his attention to Adam and I as he explains, “You’ll be ruining the plan.”

  “What the…? What plan? Would you please stop with the encrypted messages and decode to us what you’re trying to say, so we can at least try to understand where the problem is?” Adam’s anger was at its peak now, and I was starting to get a bit worried that things would get out of hand, so I slowly walked over to him, intertwined our fingers and offered him a gentle squeeze.

  Gabriel glares at our hands, points to them and, in a seething manner, illustrates, “This ends right now- whatever it is going on between you too.”

  “You can’t do that.” I look at all of them flabbergasted before I continue, “You can’t decide whether or not two people are in love; you can’t decide whether or not we get married, and you certainly can’t just ask us to end this and expect us to do it. This is our life you’re so blatantly talking about.”

  Adam nods his head, agreeing to what I just said, while staring at his father with a clenched jaw, and I know that if I let go of his hand, it might end up connecting with Gabriel’s face.

  My mom’s expression softened a little. She rotates her head a little just to face my father, whose eyes are burning holes in my head, as she offers. “Maybe we can change the c—”

  “We can’t!” My father’s
glares turn to my mother.

  “Change the what?” Adam’s question is laced in confusion.

  “The contract,” his mother speaks for the first time.

  “What contract?” My eyebrows furrow.

  “The contract we signed twenty six years ago.” My mother huffs out a breath.

  Gabriel starts with his explanation. “You both know that the Williams Incorporation and the Sandersons Incorporation were established about thirty years ago, don’t you?” At our nod, he continues, “Well, let’s just say that there were way too many complications between both companies due to their highly competitive markets. They always have been the best two companies in England, but with the tons of problems between them, they were bound to start falling from their high rank of success, so we decided to eliminate these complications. We decided to raise our profits, and we decided to have a truce to stop the disputes between both companies. We decided that we will have a truce until a certain time comes then we will merge both companies as one. The contract states the conditions of this time and how the merge will take place.”

  “Well, what did the contract state?” I elaborate my question further, “What is this time both companies supposedly merge?”

  “The time when the oldest son marries the youngest daughter.”

  An involuntary gasp escapes my mouth, and my eyes widen an inch or so at the ending line of the confession. It all actually makes sense now. I feel like I finally understand everything as if every missing puzzle is finally falling into its place. I get now why Evelyn was beyond livid with my parents, and I also get why my parents were so afraid that I’d figure out their secret, and they’re right- they should’ve been worried because I’m feeling the kind of rage Evelyn felt right now.

  Even though I’m not as deeply in love with Adam as Evelyn was since I’m just starting to get to know him, I feel angry at my parents for destroying my life- for sealing my fate with someone I wouldn’t have wanted to end up with. Maybe I would’ve actually had it in me to forgive them for what they’ve done hadn’t they took my memory loss to their own advantage. Maybe I would’ve truly been capable of forgiving them if they left me and my road for true love alone. Maybe our relationship would’ve been back to before Evelyn hated them if they didn’t force Adrien back into my life, knowing that Evelyn would’ve never chosen him.

  What hurts the most, though, is that at some point in my life as Evangeline, I might’ve actually fallen in love with Adrien, whereas he might’ve just been acting. For all I know, he could’ve been fooling me then and there, and I wouldn’t have had the slightest bit of clue. I could’ve just been his idea of a revenge plan on Adam and I because Evelyn didn’t choose him but his brother.

  My heart aches in pain. Pain that is caused by too many people all at once. Pain that is caused by Adrien, Trevor yet most of all, my parents. How could they? How could they use their own daughter as a truce? Is this how they see me? Am I just a truce to them- nothing more than that? How could they just write on a piece of paper who I am supposed to marry and not give me a choice in this? Did they think that I’ll just be okay with it? Marrying someone I don’t have feelings for? Did they think I’d let them get away with this? Don’t they know that love is not a game? That who I love is something out of their control? That love is so much more? I can’t possibly force feelings into my heart for someone I don’t love, marry them and just pretend for my parents’ sake that everything is okay- that I’m genuinely happy.

  And what? They couldn’t just let it slide that I just fell for the younger brother without creating a mess? Couldn’t they just pretend everything was fine? Couldn’t they be grateful I actually managed to fall in love with someone from the Sanderson’s bloodline? I mean it’s not like I fell in love with a stranger for God’s sake. Couldn’t they just edit the contract? Couldn’t they change the word ‘older’ to ‘younger’?

  A twinge of sadness pinches my heart because for a single moment, I thought about what would’ve happened if my parents have agreed in the first place on our marriage; what would’ve happened if my parents just let it slide- the fact that I loved the wrong brother from their point of view, and I can’t help but think that I might’ve not been in an accident in the first place if I didn’t have to get married behind their backs. I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t have lost my memories, and my life would’ve been perfect if it weren’t for my parents.

  Chapter 18

  I’ve been up all night. At first, I couldn’t just stop thinking about what my parents and Adam’s parents did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I hate what they did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how selfish their actions are. What they did isn’t something a normal parent does to their child. No. What they did isn’t like planning a birthday party behind my back and then surprising me later on with it because that would’ve been an actual good kind of surprise, but this- what they did- is not something they should’ve done in the first place. They had absolutely no right to bring the lives of their innocent children into their own mess- the mess they created. What they did equates a parent, who committed a crime and deserves to rot in jail, only to turn in his own child, claiming he’s the true criminal in this case because they simply didn’t want to handle the consequences of their own actions by themselves.

  Evelyn. My thoughts drift to her and what she must’ve felt like knowing she was destined with someone her heart won’t develop feelings for; to what she must’ve felt like knowing she loved someone else who her parents won’t simply agree to marrying him, and to what she must’ve felt like being a pawn in her father’s game- a key to her father’s success. I have to admit that when I was told that Evelyn- I- lost my memories and that she didn’t end things well with my parents before I took over her body with my own persona, I thought that her recklessness is what bought me to where I am now, yet finally understanding the truth, I have to say that my parent’s recklessness is what bought me here.

  Placing myself in Evelyn’s shoes and trying to imagine what it must’ve been like for her, pain stings my chest. Adam; however, I don’t think I can even feel an ounce of what he does. I hurt for him, knowing that, out of all people, he has been through the most. What he felt like whilst loving Evelyn only to lose her in the process? What it felt like not being able to be with the woman he loves because of his parents’ business? What it felt like having his relation with his brother destroyed? What it felt like being disowned by his parents?

  A loud boom from outside sends my heart in a freaked out, frenzy drumming stance.

  Oh no!

  How could I have forgotten?

  Those past few weeks have been crazy enough to occupy my mind. I place my now shaking, sweaty hand on my forehead as I try to control my rapid heartbeats and tone them down. Blame is what I feel right now because how can I forget? I can’t believe I was stupid enough to let my thoughts get all jogged up that – for a few days- it actually fled my mind that I’m astraphobic.

  That when the thunder explodes into the night sky and when the lightening cracks through the darkness, so does my panic attacks- they crack me up.

  ‘Deep breath, Evangeline,’ I try guiding myself.

  I can’t.

  I can’t take a proper deep breath with my mind yelling at me with its accusations. I can’t think properly knowing that I’m showing every single symptom of astraphobia: shaking, sweaty palms, racing pulse, trouble breathing, and now nausea. I feel the sudden urge to throw up, even though the only thing I’ve had in my stomach today is breakfast. Due to the numbness that surged through my veins and with every ounce of strength left in me, I force my feet towards the bathroom so as not to throw up all the contents in my stomach on the carpet. The instant I’m kneeling right in front of the toilet, my stomach tightens in pain as the semi-digested omelette I had for breakfast darts out of my mouth into the inside of the toilet.

  My body shakes violently as I continue vomiting. When I felt like there was nothing left inside to choke out, I pu
ll a few tissues from the tissue box and wipe my mouth that was now tasting like vomit. Taking my time so as not to lose conscious like I did a few months ago, I slowly push myself upwards and start moving towards the sink. After opening the tap water, I push my hands together so that they are right next to each other, fill them with water and with my unstable hand movements, I force the water into my mouth then throw them out again several times as my attempt at removing the stinking smell from my tongue.

  When I feel like the insides of my mouth taste better, I turn off the tap. With my hands now resting on the ceramic of the sink as the only support provider for the rest of my body, I push my head up, and oh God was that a dreadful mistake. The girl that stares at me back in the mirror is one I don’t recognise.

  Instead of my usual snowy skin tone, my complexion is a several shades paler. Covering my cheeks is a trail of cool moist droplets of tears, and it surprised me how I didn’t realise I am crying until I stared back at my own reflection. There are dark circles right below my dark chocolate brown eyes; my full plum lips are moist- probably from the water just running over them; my smooth blond waves are now sticking into each other in a tangled mess as they are drenched in sweat, and my cheekbones look suddenly visible that it actually worried me.

  Have I lost weight?

  Have I not been taking care of myself, or is it just the effects of my astraphobia?