Vari's Choices

by Laura Jo Phillips

  Vari could barely believe it. They were acting as though she were personally responsible for the actions of the Dracon Princesses. It was unfair, wrong, and hurtful, but she wasn’t going to back down from the truth.

  “Salene, Rayne, and Tani are responsible for the majority of the information we have on the Doftle,” she said evenly. “You could try being proud of them.”

  “I don’t care how much information they collected,” Declan retorted heatedly. “They should never have been allowed to endanger themselves for any reason.”

  “Allowed to endanger themselves?” Vari asked. “First of all, none of them chose to be in the situations in which they found themselves, but they each did the best they could, which was pretty damn fantastic. And secondly, like all adults, they make their own decisions. No one has the right to tell them what they are or are not allowed to do.”

  “Nonsense,” Declan snapped. “I don’t care how old they are, or how capable they think they are. If they’d been on Jasan where they belong they would have been protected. Our cousins must be growing soft to be so careless with their own daughters.”

  Vari stared at Declan in absolute shock. She remembered his anger years ago, in Lariah’s garden. The harsh things he'd said, the blame he'd cast on his elder brothers for their own deaths, and for Nica's pain. The promise they'd made to each other concerning their berezi should they one day find her. Even though she’d only been eleven at the time, she'd felt their grief much more strongly than their anger, and she’d understood that the former was responsible for the latter.

  This situation was not the same. They weren't grieving. They weren’t scared. They weren’t worried. They were just mad. And they were taking it out on her.

  She cared about them. No, she admitted silently. She loved them. Very much. But she wasn't going to be anybody's scapegoat.

  She lowered her cup to the table and set it down with more care than it required. Then she pushed her chair back and rose to her feet before lifting her eyes to look at each of them, one at a time. “You have absolutely no right to take your foul tempers out on me because the truth is not to your liking,” she said, her voice soft, clear, and carefully free of all emotion. “Salene, Rayne, and Tani are strong, intelligent, courageous women, and all Klanaren are proud of them. All but you three.

  “By your own choice you don’t know them, nor do you know anything about them. You haven’t bothered to visit them or speak with them in more than ten years. During the three days I’ve been aboard this ship none of you have asked me one single question about them. Yet somehow, you inexplicably and arrogantly believe that you have the right to demand that they be protected from living their own lives.”

  She paused, then shook her head as the truth finally dawned on her. “It’s not even them you’re worried about, is it? It’s yourselves. You don’t want to feel sorrow or grief again, so you’ll protect anyone you think you care about, and you really don’t give a damn how much harm you have to inflict upon them to accomplish it. So long as you don’t have to suffer, the end justifies whatever means you take.”

  She walked to the door, paused, then spoke without turning around. “I will not repeat your treasonous words regarding our Royal Princes, men whom I happen to love and respect a great deal. I want you to know that my silence is for their sakes. Not yours.”

  With that she opened the door and walked quietly out of the master suite, up the corridor, and into her own room. By the time she locked the door behind her the tears she’d been fighting had overflowed her eyes, but that was all right. No one could see her now.

  She went into the bathroom and started the water in the shower, then pulled off her robe and stepped beneath the spray. Turning her face up into the water, she just stood there, letting it beat down on her, washing away her tears.

  Nobody was perfect, she knew that. She was far from perfect herself, and she knew that, too. But this…she didn’t even know what to call it. She just knew it was wrong. The way they’d spoken to her, the way they’d looked at her, was wrong too. And it hurt.

  I’m not going to be able to keep them in my life after all. The thought slammed into her mind so hard and so unexpectedly that it knocked the wind out of her. She stood hunched over beneath the spray of water, gasping for air.

  When she could breathe again she cautiously replayed the thought in her mind. Examined it. Turned it over. Tested it. And finally, inevitably, accepted it.

  It didn’t matter how much she loved them, and it didn’t matter that they were meant to be her Rami. If they decided to protect her the way they wanted their cousins protected--and from what she’d just witnessed she had no reason to think they wouldn’t--the consequences would be horrific beyond all imagining. It was a risk she just couldn’t take.

  Vari stood beneath the hot spray until she was certain there would be no more tears. Only then did she pick up the soap and begin washing. They were due to reach the Leaper in a couple of hours, and she had work to do.

  ***

  Declan, Jay, and Kai watched Vari walk out of the master suite, too stunned to even think about trying to stop her. Once she was gone they remained silent for long minutes, thinking of the things she’d said.

  “She’s right,” Kai said finally.

  “About?” Jay asked.

  “Every single word she said. Be honest, brothers. When we read those reports we were impressed by the courage and resourcefulness of the nameless, faceless women involved. It was only when we learned their identities that we got angry.”

  Jay blew out a heavy sigh. “They came so close to losing their lives not just once, but repeatedly. How can we not be upset by that?”

  “Being upset, no matter the cause, does not give us the right to take our anger out on Vari,” Kai said hotly.

  “No, it doesn’t,” Jay agreed. “That was unforgivable of us.”

  “It was,” Declan said. “It’s also true that we don’t deal well with death. Especially when it’s someone we love. It’s so damn final, and we are helpless in the face of it.”

  “No one deals with death easily,” Kai said. “It’s not supposed to be easy. For some reason we’ve convinced ourselves that it’s worse for us than it is for other people, so we hurt those we care about in order to prevent pain to ourselves, just as Vari said. We really are the cowards she all but named us.”

  Jay and Declan both winced, but they didn’t contradict him. A long silence fell. Once again Kai was the first to break it.

  “Our plan to convince Vari that her life would not be spent in a bubble should she accept us as her Rami has just failed rather spectacularly.”

  “That might be for the best,” Jay said, shocking his brothers.

  “How can you say that?” Declan asked. “She’s our berezi and I, for one, am in love with her.”

  “I love her too, Declan,” Jay said. “But I truly didn’t realize how self-absorbed and cold we’ve become since losing our brothers. Now that Vari has opened my eyes, I can see that we’ve spent far too much time on our own, ordering our lives to suit ourselves without consideration for anyone else. I suspect we would attempt to keep in her a bubble, and then find a way to justify it to ourselves just as we have everything else we’ve done this past decade. If we did that to her, after all she’s already been through…well, I really don’t care to think about what that would do to her.”

  “I didn’t see the truth either, Jay,” Declan said. “It shames me to know that our brothers would not be proud of the men we’ve become. Quenton, Sam, and Karl would probably disown us if they could see us now. They’d definitely disown us if they heard the way we just spoke to Vari.

  “But that doesn’t mean we have to give up the woman we love. We haven’t done anything so bad that we can’t make amends. We can stop being the absolute squiliks we’ve made of ourselves, and find our way back to being the men our brothers would be proud of. Men that Vari can be proud of.”

  “And if we fail?” Jay asked.

&nbs
p; “We’re not going to fail,” Kai said simply.

  Declan pushed his chair back and stood up. “No, we’re not,” he agreed firmly. “We’re not going to fail Vari, we’re not going to fail our family, we’re not going to fail our Clan, we’re not going to fail the memory of our beloved brothers, and we’re not going to fail ourselves. Not anymore. We’ve made some mistakes. It was never our intent to hurt anyone, but we did, and we’re going to face that and deal with it.”

  Jay and Kai rose to their feet and the three of them reached out and clasped hands in a silent promise to each other. Afterward, they each stood a little straighter. It was hard to admit how far off track they’d gotten from who they’d always believed themselves to be. But now that they could see where they’d gone wrong, and agreed to make it right, they had no doubts that they would succeed.

  “Should we go speak with Vari now?” Jay asked.

  “No,” Declan said. “I think we need to give her some breathing room right now. We’ll reach the Leaper soon and I’m sure she’s preparing herself, as we must do ourselves. There’ll be time to talk later. After she’s cooled off some.”

  ***

  Two hours later Declan, Jay and Kai entered the comm room to find Vari already there. She was dressed in snug black kevlex that hugged every line and curve, with dairi masquerading as decorative piping down the sleeves and along the sides of both legs. Her dairi were black, including the belt around her waist, but they knew now that she controlled the color, the size, the level of lethality, and everything else about her weapons.

  She looked ready for battle and, unfortunately for them, so hot that they wished they could take back the entire morning just so they could ravish her where she stood. She glanced over her shoulder at them briefly, her face an emotionless mask that warned them that touching her would not be a good idea at the moment.

  “You’ll want to see this,” she said, returning her gaze to the vid screen in front of her. They exchanged glances at the coolness of her tone, but made no comment. Instead they approached and stood behind her so they could see the Teriens’ response to their request for data on the Leaper.

  “They will regret this,” Declan said. “But this is not our problem to deal with.”

  “Agreed,” Vari said. “I didn't know which encryption you were using so I haven't forwarded it to the Ugaztun yet. They should have this, along with the information regarding the possible use of shipping containers."

  "I sent the information about the shipping containers and the murdered passengers to the Ugaztun last night," Jay said, already tapping keys on his hand terminal. "The Teriens’ response is now on the way."

  Vari nodded, then moved on to the next matter she needed to discuss with them. "We don't have a bio sig for the Doftles, we don't know how many of them there are, and it'll take time to scan the ship for a transport point big enough for all of us that may or may not be safe. They’ve already killed a thousand people, and I don’t want to give them time to kill more if it can be helped.

  “I think it’s best if I transport into my stateroom aboard the Leaper. I know it’ll be vacant, it’s private, and its exact location within the Leaper is stored in your transporter.”

  “How do you know it’ll be vacant?” Kai asked.

  “Because I paid in advance for passage to Jasan, which makes it mine until that port is reached. In addition, I never told anyone other than Shanti and Ria that I was leaving the Leaper.”

  “We didn’t complete our planning yesterday," Jay said. "What exactly will we be doing?"

  “Since we don't know what the situation will be, we need to keep it simple and fluid,” Declan said, his eyes on the back of Vari’s head. “Vari will lead us to the engine room, and we’ll decide how best to deal with the Doftles from there.”

  Vari stood up and turned to face them. “I think Pandora and I should go alone. Pandora will find Ria and Shanti and bring them to my stateroom. Once they’ve been transported to the Bihotza I’ll go to the engine room and mark a safe transport area for you. Then you can do whatever you have to do, while I deal with the Doftles in Control.”

  “We can’t maintain your shield for you at that distance,” Kai said worriedly.

  “I know,” Vari replied. “I can manage a couple of hours with my own shield.”

  “Your shield is not strong enough, Vari,” Kai said gently. “The fear, grief, and despair of so many people will only make it more difficult to block them.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Why do you resist having one of us with you?” Declan asked, cutting straight to the heart of the matter.

  “Because I have more than one important task to accomplish over there. I can’t risk having one of you arbitrarily decide I’m too weak and helpless to be allowed to do my job.”

  “Job?” Jay asked.

  “Yes, job. I’ve been an officer in the Jasani Office of Special Intelligence, Surveillance Division since I was eighteen. My security clearance is at least as high as yours.”

  Their shock was no longer a surprise to her. They saw only what they wanted to see, and disregarded everything else.

  “I don’t understand,” Kai said. “Why?”

  “Can you think of a better use for someone who can read the minds of virtually every sentient being in the Thousand Worlds?”

  “Is that why you know so many languages and cultures?”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “We do not think you’re weak and helpless, Vari,” Declan said quietly. “Quite the opposite in fact. Would it help if we vow not to interfere with you?”

  Vari reminded herself that there were thousands of lives at stake, and that she’d never attempted anything like what she was about to do. Trying to do this alone would be petty, childish, and dangerous. “Fine. But only one of you can transport over with me.”

  “Why not all of us?”

  “My stateroom isn't big enough for more than one of you, plus me, Shanti and Ria. There’s also the fact that we’re going to have to cross more than half the length of Deck Two to reach the only stairwell that’ll take us all the way down to Deck Five, which is the only route I know to the engine room. None of us could be accused of blending in, but just two of you will attract far too much attention and curiosity.”

  “That’s true,” Jay said. “But there can’t be so many Doftles that they’ll be wandering the corridors.”

  “Maybe not, but that doesn’t make my stateroom any bigger.” She noticed for the first time that all three men were wearing belts holding a large number of high quality throwing knives. The belts and the knives were well taken care of, but they showed definite signs of usage. “Those knives won’t penetrate Doftle flesh.”

  “We remember,” Declan said. “You said that the orbital openings in their skulls provide access to their brains.” Vari nodded. “Can you tell us more about that? If the opening is in the center, or how deep the penetration needs to be?”

  “Rayne said she aimed for the center. Their eyes are large, oval, and solid black with no discernible pupil. She hoped there’d be an orbital cavity similar to our own, and that she’d be able to force her makeshift weapon deep enough to reach the brain. There was, and she did.”

  “Rayne did this,” Kai said as though trying to convince himself he’d heard right. “What was her makeshift weapon?”

  “She used a plastic spoon after rubbing the end of the handle to a point against a bed frame. It wasn’t sharp, but it worked. After it penetrated the eye, she hit the end of it with the flat of her hand in order to push it as deeply as possible. The Doftle died, and she escaped.”

  “Rayne killed a Doftle using a plastic spoon,” Declan said tonelessly.

  “It was all she had.”

  “How did she know to do that?” Kai asked. “Go for the eye, I mean.”

  “She didn’t know,” Vari said quietly, remembering the expression on Rayne’s face when she’d told her about it. "Few people would even consider stabbing another being
in the eye, sentient or not. But Rayne was weak, desperate, and after a year in the Doftle’s hands she’d developed an almost pathological hatred of their eyes. Since it was the only idea she had, and she was out of time, all she could do was try and hope it would work. It did.”

  Vari waited, expecting another burst of temper from them. She was surprised when, after glancing at each other, Declan said, “That was both ingenious and courageous.”

  “It was,” Vari agreed guardedly, unsure what to make of the sudden change. “Rayne claims it was merely desperation, not courage. The rest of us know better.”

  Declan nodded. “We’ll aim for the center of their eyes.”

  “If it doesn’t kill them, it will at least blind them,” Vari said. Her relief that they’d thought of a way to kill Doftles was enormous. If she had to kill them all herself, she would. She was just really glad she wouldn’t have to.

  The room fell silent, but it was not a comfortable silence. “How long before we reach the Leaper?” she asked just to break it.

  Jay raised one hand to his vox and turned away from them as he spoke into it. When he returned a moment later Pandora had arrived and was sitting quietly on Vari’s shoulder. “Captain Finch was just about to inform us that he has the Leaper in sight.”

  “Then we best get to Transport,” Declan said.

  ***

  Vari ignored the discomfort and nausea caused by transportation and quickly moved to stand just inside the bathroom doorway. “You all right?” she asked Pandora.

  “Yes, I’m fine.”

  There was an odd note in Pandora’s voice. “What’s the matter?”

  “I am merely sad for you.” Vari arched a brow and Pandora shrugged. “About the Dracon-Bats.”

  “I thought you didn’t like them.”

  Pandora shrugged again. “Shall I go fetch Ria and Shanti?”

  “Yes, please.” Vari watched Pandora vanish, then reassessed the size of the stateroom. It seemed even smaller than she remembered. She was glad she hadn’t caved into their pressure to take more than one of them. As it was, she thought one of them would have to stand on the bed.