A Baby’s Cry

by Cathy Glass

  ‘Yes,’ I said, not sure how Adrian and Paula would cope with this.

  ‘Well, thanks for all you’ve done, Cathy,’ Cheryl said. ‘Who’d have thought when I first placed Harrison with you that he’d be returning to his mother? A truly happy ending, eh?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. But my thoughts were with Adrian and Paula, whom I would have to tell that Harrison would be leaving us for good very soon.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Letting Go

  ‘This will be the last time we have to go to the family centre,’ I said to Adrian and Paula, once we were in the car and on the way there. ‘After tonight Harrison will be seeing his mother at her flat, to prepare him for going home.’

  ‘So he is definitely going to his mother?’ Adrian said.

  ‘Yes. I heard today.’

  ‘When?’ Adrian asked sombrely.

  ‘In two weeks, and before then he’ll be seeing his mother every day. You’ll be able to come with me when you’re not at school and see where he’s going to live.’ I was trying to focus on the positive.

  ‘Can Harry still come and see us after he’s gone?’ Paula asked.

  ‘I’m not sure, love,’ I lied to soften the blow. ‘We’ll have to wait and see.’ For I knew that once we’d visited Harrison to say our last goodbye (a week after the move) whether or not Rihanna kept in touch was up to her, and something told me she might not – that she might want to forget this difficult and painful time in her life and move on.

  ‘I hope Harry does come and play,’ Paula said. ‘I like playing with him now he can crawl. I’m going to miss him.’

  ‘Yes, I know, love. We’ll all miss Harrison,’ I said. I glanced in the rear-view mirror at Adrian, who was looking out of the side window, deep in thought, and as usual internalizing his feelings. ‘We’ll all take time to adjust,’ I said. ‘But it will be nice for Harrison to live with his mother.’ I saw Adrian give a small nod.

  The children sat very quietly in the car for the remainder of the journey; even Harrison was quieter than usual and seemed to sense that he was approaching a turning point in his life. When we arrived at the family centre Rihanna must have been looking out for us from reception, for as I carried Harrison up the path with Adrian and Paula walking either side of me she came rushing out. With a large smile on her face she threw her arms around Harrison and me and hugged us hard; then did the same to Adrian and Paula, who looked quite bemused.

  ‘Congratulations,’ I said to Rihanna, as I passed Harrison to her. ‘You’ve done very well.’

  ‘Thanks, Cathy,’ she said, smothering Harrison in kisses. ‘And thanks for all your helpful advice.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  We went into the centre and then into the Blue Room, where I put the baby bag on the sofa, as I’d done at previous contacts. But unlike at the contacts before there was no supervisor present and there wouldn’t be one tonight. Now all the reports were written and the decision had been made on Harrison’s future there was no need for Rihanna and Harrison to be supervised or monitored. This contact was really to give Rihanna and Harrison a chance to finish off their visits at the centre, collect any of their belongings they’d left there and say goodbye to the supervisors who’d become part of their lives for the last three months. Goodbyes are always considered important for families with children in care, as change can occur frequently and sometimes at very short notice.

  Having seen Rihanna and Harrison into the Blue Room I told her I’d see her at 5.30, and the children and I came away and returned to the car.

  ‘No more rushed dinners after tonight,’ I said, as we got into the car. For every Tuesday and Thursday for the last three months we’d been dashing home with just enough time to gobble down dinner before returning to collect Harrison. ‘And you’ll be able to watch your favourite television programmes again,’ I added positively.

  ‘When’s Harry going?’ Paula asked in a plaintive voice from the back seat.

  ‘In two weeks’ time,’ I said. ‘But he’ll be seeing his mummy every day before then, and also staying the night before he moves.’

  ‘I wish you were Harry’s mummy,’ Paula said. ‘Then he could stay with us, and be our baby forever.’

  ‘I know, love, but I’m afraid that’s not possible. And it’s right that Harrison should be with his own mummy.’

  There was a pause before Paula asked, ‘Mum, can you make a baby for us? Like my friend Selina’s mummy has?’

  I smiled and glanced in the rear-view mirror. I saw Adrian, who unlike Paula knew where babies came from, look away, embarrassed. ‘No, love,’ I said. ‘Selina’s mummy and daddy live together, so they were able to make the baby together. Unfortunately, I don’t live with your father any more, do I? So it’s not possible. But we’ll foster again, and then you’ll have another foster brother or sister.’

  There was another pause before Paula asked: ‘Why do you have to live with a daddy to make a baby?’

  Adrian sighed. ‘Mum will tell you when you’re older,’ he said to Paula.

  ‘Oh, I know,’ Paula said. ‘It’s like those rabbits on the farm we saw last year.’

  ‘Yes, just like the rabbits,’ Adrian and I agreed.

  When we returned to the family centre to collect Harrison at 5.30 it was obvious Rihanna couldn’t wait to leave, and who could blame her? Her future with Harrison had largely depended on what had happened in the Blue Room and the pressure must have been enormous. Now all that was behind her: she knew Harrison was being returned to her and their future was secure.

  ‘I’m ready!’ she called, as soon as we entered the Blue Room. ‘Let’s go!’

  Handing me the baby bag Rihanna scooped Harrison into her arms. ‘Goodbye, Blue Room,’ she said, turning him to face the room for one last time.

  Harrison said a perfect ‘Bye bye’ to the room and gave a little wave, which made us all laugh.

  The children and I returned to the corridor and Rihanna followed, pointedly closing the door behind her as though shutting it on that part of her life forever. ‘Never again,’ she breathed, cuddling Harrison close and smiling at me.

  I returned her smile. ‘Finished. You’ve done very well,’ I said again.

  We went down the corridor as a group, with Rihanna walking beside me and holding Harrison, and Adrian and Paula just in front. We paused outside reception for Rihanna to say goodbye. Two contact supervisors were inside the office, chatting to the receptionist. ‘Goodbye, everyone,’ Rihanna called lightly.

  They paused from talking and looked over. ‘Goodbye and good luck.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Rihanna said, and pulling open the outer door stepped outside. ‘Thank goodness,’ she sighed, hugging Harrison and breathing in the fresh spring air. ‘How could I have been so stupid? I nearly lost my son for good.’

  We followed Rihanna down the path and to my car, where I opened the rear door. Adrian and Paula scrambled in and then I stood aside to let Rihanna strap Harrison into his car seat.

  ‘I’m going shopping tomorrow after I’ve seen you,’ she told Harrison as she fastened his seatbelt, ‘to buy you everything you need. A car seat, cot, high chair, pushchair, nappies, and lots and lots of toys.’

  Harrison giggled.

  Leaning in, she kissed him goodbye and then closed the car door. Straightening, she looked at me. ‘I didn’t dare buy the baby equipment before I knew, in case he didn’t come to me …’ Her voice fell away and I knew she was close to tears. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ she said quickly and, turning, walked towards her car. I knew then that Rihanna recognized, as I did, just how close she had come to losing her son for good.

  That evening I explained the timetable of Harrison’s move to Adrian and Paula. They obviously had conflicting feelings: on the one hand they were pleased Harrison was able to live with his ‘real mummy’, as they called her, but they also knew how different life was going to be for us without him.

  ‘At least Harry’s mummy is nice,’ Paula said, as
I tucked her into bed that night. ‘It would be worse if Harry had a horrid mummy like Ellie’s.’

  I was slightly surprised Paula still thought of Ellie – the six-year-old girl we’d fostered for a week on respite the year before. But I suppose the fact that Ellie’s suffering had been so great, and that Ellie’s mother had failed to protect her daughter, was something Paula would remember for a long time, possibly forever.

  ‘The social services wouldn’t have let Harrison go to his mummy if they didn’t think she was nice and knew she could look after him,’ I said. ‘One of the reasons Harrison saw his mummy at the family centre was so that they could do what’s called an assessment – to make sure his mummy was nice and could look after him.’

  ‘Did you have to have an assessment when you had Adrian and me?’ Paula asked.

  I smiled and touched her forehead. ‘No, love. You weren’t in foster care.’

  Paula looked at me thoughtfully. ‘I think Harry’s mummy loves Harry. I think she knows she did the wrong thing when she put Harry in foster care.’

  ‘Yes, I think so too, love. Sometimes we make decisions because we can’t see any other way. Then something happens that allows us to see things differently. Fortunately Rihanna had time to put things right.’

  ‘Do you think Ellie’s mummy will put things right so Ellie can go home?’ Paula now asked me doubtfully.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘But the judge will make the decision.’ I doubted Ellie would be returned home; the level of abuse had been horrific and as far as I knew Ellie’s mother was still living with the abuser, which would prohibit any chance of Ellie returning.

  The following morning after I’d taken Adrian and Paula to school I popped home briefly for the baby bag and the bag of toys I was taking with us, and then I drove to Rihanna’s flat, which was about a thirty-minute drive away. I parked outside the small development of privately owned flats and, with the bag over my shoulder and Harrison in my arms, I went up the short path, which was flanked by neatly tended gardens. We had arrived slightly early but Rihanna was ready. As soon as I pressed the security buzzer beside the door to the flats Rihanna’s voice came through the grid: ‘Hi, Cathy. Come on in.’

  The door clicked open and as Harrison and I went in Rihanna appeared from a ground-floor flat. ‘Great to see you!’ she cried, and opened her arms wide ready to receive Harrison: ‘Come to Mummy.’

  I placed Harrison in her arms. He was looking around, aware this was a new setting. ‘Welcome home,’ Rihanna said to him, covering him in hugs and kisses. She looked very well – vibrant and full of life. And a very different person to the one who’d loitered outside my house and then knocked on the door late one night, distraught and needing to talk. Now she looked like any young mother.

  ‘Come on in,’ she said again, leading the way across the hall to her flat.

  I followed her in, closed the front door and then followed her into the lounge-cum-dining room. ‘This is lovely,’ I said. The room was spacious, light, neutrally decorated and tastefully furnished.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I’m renting the flat at present but I’m going to buy it. The landlord wants to sell, so it makes sense for me to stay here now I’m settled. It doesn’t need much decorating and it’s got two good-size bedrooms, so it’s ideal.’

  ‘Fantastic,’ I said. ‘And being on the ground floor is useful. You won’t have to struggle with the pushchair up and down stairs.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Rihanna said, still hugging and kissing Harrison. ‘It’s worked out very well. Do sit down. Can I get you something to drink?’

  ‘No thank you, I’m fine, but Harrison will be ready for his mid-morning snack. He usually has it about now.’ Rihanna nodded. ‘I wasn’t sure what you had here,’ I said, ‘so I’ve packed his beaker, milk and a banana.’ I passed Rihanna the baby bag, put the bag of toys on the floor, and then sat in one of the armchairs. Having used the baby bag at contact for the last three months Rihanna was familiar with its contents. Sitting on the sofa with Harrison on her lap, she unzipped the bag and took out the beaker and carton of milk, which she successfully opened with Harrison bouncing up and down, impatient for his snack.

  ‘I’m buying a high chair and everything else I need this afternoon,’ Rihanna said, concentrating on helping Harrison guide the beaker to his lips. ‘I’ll be better prepared when you come tomorrow.’

  ‘You’re doing fine,’ I said. ‘I’ll leave the bag of toys here with you,’ I said, pointing. ‘They’re all familiar to him, so it will help him to settle tomorrow when I leave for the second hour.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Rihanna said. ‘Harrison seems quite happy with me, I guess from all that contact.’

  ‘Yes,’ I agreed.

  Rihanna helped Harrison with his beaker of milk and then peeled the banana for him while I described his routine, which I’d also written down for her. ‘It would be a good idea to keep his present routine going to begin with,’ I said, taking the folded sheet of paper from my bag and placing it on the coffee table. ‘Then once he’s settled you can change the routine to suit you. Who will be looking after him when you go to work?’

  Rihanna looked at me, surprised. ‘Didn’t Cheryl tell you?’ I shook my head. ‘I’m taking a year off work to look after Harrison full time.’

  ‘That’s a good idea,’ I said. ‘It’ll give you both time to adjust and also enjoy each other’s company. Babies grow up so quickly it’s nice if you can make the most of it while they’re young.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Rihanna said. ‘I’ve missed enough of Harrison’s life already. I don’t want to miss any more. I might take longer than a year if I can afford to. Work are being very understanding now they know about Harrison.’

  Having finished his snack, Harrison was eager to get down from Rihanna’s lap and play. She wiped his mouth on a tissue and then put him on the floor with toys she took from the bag. His face lit up when he saw the familiar toys in this as yet unfamiliar setting. While he played we continued to talk. I had a few questions of my own I wanted to ask Rihanna, but I didn’t want to appear rude or intrusive. I thought Rihanna and I had formed a good relationship during the last three months of contact so I took a chance.

  ‘Will Harrison be seeing his father?’ I asked after a moment. ‘I was wondering if you’d told him about Harrison now it’s all out in the open.’

  Rihanna hesitated, then keeping her gaze on Harrison said: ‘I haven’t told him yet. I feel Jacob has a right to know but I’ll wait until Harrison is settled in with me first. Once I get over these two weeks I can think about telling Jacob.’

  It was the first time Rihanna had referred to Harrison’s father by his first name. ‘He’s going to have quite a shock if you tell him,’ I said.

  Rihanna nodded. ‘And I’ll need to be very careful how I do it. I understand he has a new girlfriend now.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said.

  ‘I don’t blame him,’ Rihanna said quickly, glancing at me. ‘It’s been over a year since I finished our relationship. Jacob’s a good man. He deserves a proper relationship after all the years we spent hiding ours. I hope he’s happy.’ Her selfless attitude touched me and I so wished things could have been different.

  ‘And there’s no chance the two of you could have a proper relationship now?’ I asked, ever hopeful.

  ‘No. Never,’ Rihanna said bluntly, and I knew not to press her further.

  The rest of the hour went very quickly and soon it was time for Harrison and me to leave. Rihanna put Harrison into his coat and then carried him to the front door of the flats, where she passed him to me.

  ‘See you tomorrow,’ she said, kissing him.

  ‘See you tomorrow,’ I said. ‘Bye.’

  ‘Bye bye,’ Harrison chuckled.

  That evening, over dinner, I told Adrian and Paula that Harrison had seen his mother at her flat during the day, and that it had gone very well. It was important that during this two-week introductory period Adrian and Paula adjusted to
Harrison leaving, just as Harrison was adjusting to being with his mother in his new home. As most of the visits were scheduled to take place when Adrian and Paula were at school, there was a chance they could miss out on this valuable transition period and then suddenly find the day had arrived when Harrison was leaving for good.

  ‘You’ll be able to see Harrison’s new home on Saturday, when we take him for his three-hour visit,’ I said.

  They nodded but didn’t say anything, and I knew they were finding it very difficult.

  The following day, Friday, when I arrived at Rihanna’s flat, having taken Adrian and Paula to school, she couldn’t wait to show me all the baby equipment she’d bought the previous afternoon. I gasped when I entered the lounge which, with all the purchases, had been transformed from a single lady’s apartment into a family home. A new high chair was standing at the far end of the room next to the dining table and chairs, and there was a playpen containing new activity toys to the right of the room. Three large soft toys – a zebra, elephant and rabbit – sat proudly in one armchair, and on the floor beside the sofa was a small child’s chair, ready for when Harrison was a little older.

  ‘He’s a very lucky boy,’ I said.

  Rihanna smiled, pleased, and with Harrison in her arms led the way into the kitchen, where she began opening various cupboards and drawers to show Harrison and me more of her purchases: a toddler’s plate, bowl, beaker and cutlery set; bibs; a new food blender for mashing his meals; a selection of tinned puddings and other packet food I’d told Rihanna Harrison liked, including porridge and teething rusks.

  ‘I’ve made Harrison chicken, mashed potato and peas for his dinner today,’ Rihanna said excitedly. ‘I’ve cooked and mashed it, and it’s in the fridge ready for later.’