A Baby’s Cry

by Cathy Glass

  ‘Lovely,’ I said, impressed by how well organized she was. ‘He’ll like that.’

  ‘It’s your favourite, isn’t it?’ Rihanna said to Harrison, kissing his cheek.

  Harrison chuckled and snuggled his face into his mother’s hair, which he seemed to like the feel of.

  ‘I’ll show you his bedroom,’ Rihanna said, leading the way out of the kitchen.

  I followed her through the lounge and into the hall, where we turned left. I gasped again as we entered Harrison’s bedroom, which was now a nursery. ‘You have been busy!’ I said.

  Rihanna smiled. ‘Yes, I was up most of the night assembling the furniture and getting everything ready. I’m pleased with the result. It looks good, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘It certainly does.’ Harrison chuckled.

  A new white cot stood against one wall, complete with a decorated bumper, bedding and entertainment mobile. Against another wall was a ‘changing station’ with nappies, lotions and baby wipes laid out ready. Next to that was a small white wardrobe with a matching chest of drawers. Brightly coloured nursery curtains with pictures of animals and alphabet shapes hung at the windows, and matched the circular rug in the centre of the floor.

  ‘I’ll paint the walls when I have a chance,’ Rihanna said. ‘But the yellow is fine for now, isn’t it?’

  I nodded. ‘Harrison won’t worry about wallpaper until he goes to school,’ I said. ‘Then once the children get talking suddenly Batman wallpaper becomes a “must have”, or at least it did for Adrian.’

  Rihanna laughed. ‘Then we’ll go shopping and choose some, won’t we?’ she said, bringing Harrison into the conversation. Harrison agreed by burying his face in her hair again and giving it a little tug.

  As detailed in Cheryl’s timetable of introduction I stayed with Harrison and Rihanna for an hour and then left them for the second hour. There wasn’t time for me to go home, so I left my car outside Rihanna’s flat and walked to the local shops, where I bought a newspaper. I took it to a café nearby and spent an unusually relaxing forty-five minutes catching up on the news over a leisurely coffee until it was time to walk back.

  Rihanna opened the door with Harrison in her arms and looked anxious. Oh dear, I thought, whatever has happened now? ‘He hasn’t eaten any of his dinner,’ she said, worried. ‘I don’t know what’s the matter with him.’ Harrison grinned while Rihanna was clearly upset.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, going in. ‘It’s his first meal here; it’s bound to be strange. That’s why Cheryl included lunch in his visits – to get him used to eating here. I’m sure he will be fine tomorrow.’

  And he was.

  On Friday, as timetabled, I left Harrison with Rihanna for the whole two hours and when I returned they were both grinning happily. ‘He loved the macaroni cheese I made him!’ Rihanna exclaimed as soon as she opened the front door. ‘He ate the lot, and then had rice pudding.’

  ‘Fantastic!’ I said, and Harrison clapped his hands in appreciation.

  Chapter Thirty

  Upset

  ‘Is this it?’ Paula asked as we drew up outside the flats where Rihanna lived at eleven o’clock on Saturday morning.

  ‘Yes,’ I said, parking the car and switching off the engine.

  ‘It’s very big,’ Paula said.

  ‘They’re flats,’ I explained. ‘Rihanna lives in one of them, not the whole building.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ Paula said, while predictably Adrian had fallen silent on our arrival and said nothing.

  Rihanna knew I would have Adrian and Paula with me as it was Saturday, and just as we were getting out of the car she appeared through the outer door. ‘Hi, everyone,’ she called brightly, coming down the path. ‘How are you all?’ She took Harrison from me and gave him a big kiss.

  ‘We’re good,’ I said. ‘And you?’

  ‘All the better for seeing you,’ Rihanna said to Harrison, giving him another kiss. He laughed and jumped up and down in her arms.

  I saw Adrian and Paula looking carefully at Rihanna and I could guess what they were thinking. She was so happy now, and had much greater confidence with Harrison than the last time they’d seen her at the family centre. I also knew that seeing Rihanna and Harrison in what would soon be his new home would be good for Adrian and Paula and help them adjust to him going, although we wouldn’t be staying for long. The three-hour visit was for Harrison to spend more time alone with his mother, to continue the bonding process. As it was a nice day I was thinking of taking Adrian and Paula to a local park and then having some lunch out.

  ‘Come on in,’ Rihanna said, leading the way into the flats.

  Once inside Rihanna’s flat Adrian and Paula stood awkwardly in the lounge-cum-dining room while Harrison, now on his third visit and used to the flat, was eager to be on the floor playing with his toys. Rihanna put him on the carpet and, taking a few toys from the playpen, set them next to him.

  ‘So this is my living room,’ Rihanna said with a smile to Adrian and Paula. ‘I think Harrison will be happy here, don’t you?’

  They each gave a small shy nod.

  ‘I’ll show you the kitchen,’ Rihanna said to them. ‘It’s through here.’

  I stayed with Harrison in the lounge while Rihanna took Adrian and Paula into the kitchen. They didn’t make any comment but then children of their age wouldn’t – for them a kitchen, however neat and well stocked, wasn’t something particularly interesting that they would comment on. ‘Would you like to see Harrison’s bedroom?’ I heard Rihanna ask, and they both said yes.

  The three of them reappeared and crossed the lounge but Harrison wasn’t going to be left behind this time and scuttled after them on all fours. Rihanna picked him up.

  ‘Through here,’ I heard her say to Adrian and Paula.

  ‘It’s nice,’ Paula said from Harrison’s bedroom.

  ‘Yes,’ Adrian agreed.

  ‘You can come and visit Harrison whenever you want,’ Rihanna said kindly.

  ‘We will,’ I heard Paula say.

  Rihanna showed them the bathroom and then they all returned to the lounge. ‘I’m going to miss Harry,’ Paula said to Rihanna as they came in.

  ‘Harry?’ Rihanna smiled. ‘Is that what you call him?’ It must have been the first time Rihanna had heard Paula use the shortened form of his name.

  ‘Harrison is too long,’ Paula explained. ‘Why did you give him that name?’

  Well done for asking, I thought, for I’d also wondered why Rihanna had chosen what was an unusual name in the UK, but hadn’t liked to ask.

  ‘Harrison means “son of”,’ Rihanna said. ‘It was Harrison’s father’s middle name. I thought it would be nice for Harrison to have it as his first name. In my family we often use our parents’ or grandparents’ names for our children.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ Paula said, nodding thoughtfully. While it cleared up another little mystery for me.

  Now Adrian and Paula had seen the flat and Harrison was settled and playing happily it was time for us to leave. We said goodbye and, to avoid disturbing Harrison, we let ourselves out. As planned I drove to a local park, where we stayed for an hour. Then we walked into the town, had lunch and then looked in a few shops before it was time to return to Rihanna’s for two o’clock.

  ‘Do you think Harry has missed us?’ Paula asked, as I drew up and parked outside the flats.

  ‘I’m sure he has,’ I said. ‘We’ve been part of his life for a long time, although he’s gradually getting used to his mother now.’

  Adrian and Paula came with me into the flats and as soon as Paula saw Harrison she rushed over and kissed him. Harrison chuckled. Rihanna told me Harrison had been fine apart from when he’d woken after his lunchtime nap, when he’d cried for a minute until she’d distracted him with toys and then he’d recovered.

  ‘I’m not surprised he was a little unsettled,’ I said. ‘That was the first time he slept in the cot here, so it must have been strange for him.’
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  ‘It was strange for me too,’ Rihanna admitted. ‘He was only asleep for half an hour but I kept checking on him.’

  ‘I know the feeling,’ I said, remembering how many times I’d anxiously checked on Harrison during his first weeks with us.

  Rihanna dressed Harrison in his coat and then carried him to the car, where she strapped him into his car seat. She stood on the pavement and waved goodbye, and Harrison waved back.

  That night Harrison took a while to settle in his cot and, while not crying, grizzled. I was half-expecting some reaction, as the last time he’d slept in a cot that day had been at Rihanna’s; it must have been very confusing for him. It was impossible to expect a nine-month-old baby to understand that all the changes involved in this carefully planned transition were to ensure that the move to his mother ran smoothly. I also thought that once Harrison had moved and was living with his mother he was likely to be unsettled for a few weeks. I think Rihanna appreciated that too, for she’d remarked a few times that it must be confusing for Harrison.

  Sunday’s contact went as planned, with Harrison again spending three hours with his mother, although this time Adrian, Paula and I went home. When we returned Rihanna said everything had gone well and that as it had been a nice day she’d taken Harrison out in the pushchair for a while, which was good. However, that night Harrison again took a long while to settle with me and I spent some time leaning over his cot and soothing him until he finally fell asleep. Once he was asleep I wrote up my log notes and then I decided on an early night in preparation for the busy and emotionally draining week that lay ahead. The following week I would be taking Harrison to his mother’s every day, and he would stay the whole day, then sleep overnight on Thursday, before the move on Friday. Although I sincerely believed it was the right decision to return Harrison to his mother, I was dreading him going, and so too were Adrian and Paula.

  ‘It’s only five days to Friday,’ Paula said the following morning as we prepared to leave for school. ‘Four to Thursday when we have to say goodbye to Harry.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, and concentrated on getting everyone out of the door so that we wouldn’t be late for school. There was nothing else I could say.

  Following Cheryl’s timetable of introduction once I’d taken Adrian and Paula to school I drove straight to Rihanna’s flat, arriving at about 9.30. I no longer took the baby bag with me, as Rihanna now had everything she needed to look after Harrison; I knew at some point I’d have to dismantle the contents of the bag, as it was now redundant.

  As usual Rihanna was ready when we arrived. I passed Harrison to her and then went into her flat just to say goodbye. A few minutes later I let myself out of the flat and drove home, where I set about clearing up after the weekend.

  It was very strange being in the house without Harrison and I kept busy. Jill phoned mid-morning for an update on the weekend contact and I told her it had gone well, although Harrison had become a little unsettled at night, which she agreed was to be expected. She asked me how Adrian and Paula were coping with Harrison leaving and I said they were OK. Jill said she would visit us the following week once Harrison had left, and I fetched my diary and wrote in the appointment. We said goodbye, and then ten minutes later Cheryl phoned and asked for an update. I repeated more or less what I’d told Jill: that the rehabilitation of Harrison to his mother was going well. Cheryl thanked me and said she would be visiting Rihanna and Harrison at their flat that afternoon – the social worker makes a number of visits before and after a child returns to live with their natural parents.

  That afternoon when I collected Adrian and Paula from school I didn’t have the pushchair with me because we would be collecting Harrison after I’d collected Adrian and Paula. It felt very odd going into the playground without Harrison chattering away in his pushchair, as though part of me was missing, and a couple of friends asked me where he was. I said Harrison was spending time with his mother in preparation for him going home. I could see they didn’t know what to say. Confidentiality stopped me from explaining further but they looked at me as one looks at the newly bereaved, feeling they should say something but not knowing what. ‘It was the right decision for Harrison to go and live with his mother,’ I said positively, and moved away.

  When Adrian and Paula came out of school they looked surprised for a moment that I didn’t have Harrison with me before they remembered we were going to collect him now.

  ‘Hey, where’s your brother?’ one boy called to Adrian as we crossed the playground.

  Adrian looked very uncomfortable and then relied on his humour to get by. ‘Mum lost him at the shops!’ he called back. ‘She keeps doing it!’ I hoped the boy didn’t believe him.

  We drove to Rihanna’s flat and arrived just before four o’clock. When Rihanna opened the door with Harrison in her arms she looked ‘hot and bothered’ and I wondered what had gone wrong.

  ‘Cheryl’s just left,’ she said, showing us into her flat. ‘She was here for over two hours! I know she has to observe me with Harrison but I felt as if I was at the family centre again and my life depended on what she wrote.’

  ‘Try not to worry,’ I said. ‘I’m sure you did very well.’

  ‘I hope so. I think it went all right,’ Rihanna said tentatively. ‘Cheryl is coming again on Wednesday, and then when Harrison has moved in. She said that visit will be unannounced, so she won’t be telling me when she’s coming.’

  ‘That’s normal,’ I said. ‘She has to make a few unannounced visits for her report.’

  Rihanna nodded and then put Harrison into his jacket, while he looked slightly bewildered, presumably realizing he was on the move again but not understanding why. Rihanna carried him out to the car and strapped him into his seat, but as she said goodbye he began to cry. Rihanna looked at me anxiously. ‘He doesn’t want to leave me.’

  ‘He’ll be fine once we’re on our way,’ I said.

  She said goodbye again and closed the rear car door and then waved until we were out of sight. But Harrison continued to cry.

  ‘Harry doesn’t like us any more,’ Paula said, close to tears herself.

  ‘Of course he does,’ I said, glancing in the rear-view mirror. ‘He’s just a bit confused.’

  Which was only partly true, for I also knew that as a result of all the time Harrison had spent with his mother he was gradually transferring his affections to her. Harrison screwed up his face and opened his mouth wide – a sign he was about to wail – but Adrian leant over and blew a raspberry on his cheek, which made him chuckle instead.

  ‘Well done, Adrian.’ I said. ‘We’ll have to remember that trick for next time.’ Adrian blew another raspberry on Harrison’s cheek and Harrison giggled loudly, which made us all laugh.

  That night Harrison settled more easily at bedtime, possibly because he was growing used to sleeping in two different cots. Once he was asleep I spent some time talking to Adrian and Paula, reassuring them that Harrison would be very happy with his mother, and that Cheryl had said we could visit him about a week after he’d moved. I also reminded them that we would be going to Nana and Grandpa’s on Sunday for the day, which was something to look forward to.

  Tuesday and Wednesday followed the same schedule as Monday: I took Adrian and Paula to school, Harrison to his mother, collected Adrian and Paula from school, and then the three of us collected Harrison from Rihanna. Although all these visits were important for Harrison so that the move to his mother ran smoothly, by Wednesday I think we were all waiting for the end of the week. It felt as if we were in limbo. I was a part-time foster carer for Harrison, Rihanna was his part-time mother, Adrian and Paula had a foster sibling sometimes, while poor Harrison didn’t know whether he was coming or going.

  However, when Thursday morning arrived – the time Adrian and Paula had to say goodbye – it was a different matter, and I had mixed feelings as to whether this was the best ending. For while Adrian and Paula would be at school on Friday, and therefore spared the upset o
f actually seeing Harrison go with all his belongings, not being present denied them closure and seemed to marginalize the enormity of the event for them.

  ‘Why can’t Harry go on Saturday?’ Paula asked. ‘Adrian and me are home then.’

  ‘Cheryl said it had to be Friday,’ I said. ‘Probably because the social services offices are closed on Saturday.’ Which I thought was the most likely reason – Cheryl and her colleagues wouldn’t be available on Saturday if there was a problem with the move.

  We were in the hall, putting on our shoes and coats, ready to leave for school. I wanted Adrian and Paula to say goodbye to Harrison now, in the privacy of our home, rather than in the school playground, which might be difficult for them. ‘Give Harrison a big hug and say goodbye,’ I said lightly to Adrian and Paula, staying positive. ‘Say “see you in a week”.’

  They did, with surprising ease, and we got in the car and I drove to school. It wasn’t until we were in the playground and the bell sounded for the start of school that reality suddenly hit. Paula, now realizing this was the last time Harrison would be in the playground, grabbed Harrison’s hand and burst into tears.

  ‘I’m not going into school today,’ she told him. ‘I’m going to stay with you.’

  Adrian looked embarrassed but was also clearly upset and reluctant to say goodbye. His face was serious and I knew how he hated seeing Paula cry.

  ‘You’ll see Harrison again soon,’ I said comfortingly.

  Neither child moved and Harrison, who had stopped his usual gay chattering, looked as if he was about to cry too.

  ‘Say goodbye and go and join your friends,’ I encouraged Adrian. ‘Paula will be fine. I’ll explain to her teacher.’

  Adrian hesitated and then, kissing Harrison’s forehead and giving him a big hug, went over to join his class, who were going into school. I moved round to face Paula, who was still holding Harrison’s hand, her little cheeks wet.