Die, My Love

by Penelope Fletcher

  Oh, ah. Ben’s grip on my hand is quite painful now. ‘You smell like me.’ He strokes my neck. ‘You bear my bite. You are marked as my bride.’ He takes off his helmet. His pupils contract to a splinter of black. “They would hurt you.” The whisper makes my eardrums vibrate and my heart thump.

  I can’t wait to hear him speak to me without the frailty of my human ears forcing him to hold back his power.

  Oh, I’ve not forgotten how you tried to control me, love. So, I’m readying myself to respond for Independent Women everywhere with a, “I will do whatever I like, you don’t own me,” speech, but the castle doors shudder open. This captures my total attention. If I was a puppy, my ears would be pointy and swivelling around in curiosity.

  Adam and Simone step out and hold up their hands in greeting. They look a tad frazzled though; even from here I see rips in their clothing and blood spatters.

  “How did they get here before us?” I ask.

  Ben’s mind brushes against mine enamoured with my ignorance. ‘We move fast and I was in no hurry to bring you here.’ The end of that thought is grieved, and I entwine my fingers with his for comfort. ‘Honestly, love, I was going to respect your wishes, but Daniel has made it clear he will not risk me turning you. I have no choice.’

  I say nothing. I understand. And I was not going to fight him on this. If I had to choose between death and Ben, I choose Ben, hands down.

  Adam and Simone drift forward. They still have things to do? Nodding at us, they blur into ghostlike streaks, and are gone. I shiver staring at the empty road they disappeared down; trying to see through the fog, but obviously, I see nothing.

  Okay, I’m trying to be comfortable, but it’s … difficult. I’m used to my cosy, boxy, purpose built studio. This place is colossal. My steps echo on the flagstone floor and the cavernous entryway is spectacular. A stained glass window takes up half the wall opposite and moonlight drifts through the depictions of horses thundering through fields of gold, maidens frolicking in lakes, and great lords hewing down their enemies with great swords and lances; their banners held high and waved as if caught in a high gale. The cliffs are behind this window and I see out to the turbulent water and the storm clouds, and my breath is stolen. Full suits of armour flank the climbing stairway that curves on both sides until it meets in the middle under the glass window; where one can stand on the platform and take in the magnificent view from higher, should one wish. The stairways also lead off to the west and east.

  Ben turns me in the direction of east and gives my bottom a little push. I climb the stairs, letting my hand brush over the smooth stone handrail, and when I reach the top I grin at the torches that flicker with real candles. The artwork on the walls is magical and I’m diverted for quite a while. I am an artiste after all. I laugh and have to school myself quite harshly not to rub my fingers all over these masterpieces, just to feel them, to see if they are really real.

  I sense time is against us and I move on. The whole while, Ben is behind me radiating sorrow and yet so much hope I’m sure if I was to harness it I could out power the sun. Room after room I circle, in awe of what I see.

  Pivoting on my heel, walking backward I ask him, “All of this is yours?”

  Hand briefly fluttering over a white marble bust of an older man that looks suspiciously like him, but with a broader nose, he nods.

  I spin back round, my hair flying. I tuck it behind my ears and carry on, my lips rubbing together. I need some chap stick. Perturbed, I walk throughout the building and each room is more grandiose and magnificent than the last.

  Why does Ben have all this stuff? He does not seem the kind to covet possessions. Yes, he was a feudal lord and that might explain why he has some wealth now, but there appears to be more to this. Daniel openly mocked our relationship but did not outright defy Ben. When my love made his displeasure known, Daniel backed off. The younger we are, the more powerful we are? Is that it? I bite my lip. No, instinctively I know that’s not right. With age would come wisdom and strength, not weakness. So why did Daniel defer to Ben so? He made Ben into what he is, so shouldn’t Ben be his underling? Was this all part of the big secret Ben will not tell me until I am like him? Probably.

  I come upon the bedroom at the top of tower, and now I’m sure I am hallucinating, because this kind of thing only happens in the dreams of princesses as they slumber.

  The floor is covered in dark, rich soil. The chandelier lights are off, but the room is bathed in a warm glow by hundreds of tea lights scattered across the floor. The fireplace smoulders, emitting a gentle heat into the room. Dotted in between the twinkling flames are mounds of dark earth and rosebushes, lavender, and other wildflowers.

  Did he plant an entire garden inside this room? What on earth for? Little me?

  ‘Yes.’ Ben thinks and it sounds like maybe he feels the whole thing is trying too hard. ‘I was prepared to bring you here if you accepted me.’

  In the centre of the room is a cast iron bed, the foot pointing toward the fireplace. Wreathes of gossamer silk are draped over the high posts, intricately gilded with bronze flora. The sheets are crisp white and shadows flicker over the coverlet. This is the only furniture in the room.

  Toeing my sneakers off, I take my first step into the room. I stop; the soil is cool beneath my feet, soft, and almost fluffy. I wiggle my toes and the black grains tumble over the top arch of my foot and pool around my ankle.

  Lee, how magical is this place, and this man. You are being blessed right now did you know that?

  I look over my shoulder at Ben. His eyes sparkle from the shadows, and I’m overcome with emotion. He is so handsome. He leans against the wall, hands in his pockets, and tries to compose his face to blank but apprehension fights to break free. I raise an eyebrow. Is he trying to seduce me then? Is this delightful display not effortless for him?

  He ducks his head. Oh, darling! Is that dusky rose flushing across your cheekbones a genuine blush?

  “It’s working,” I assure him, and step fully into the room, knowing that when I leave it again I’ll no longer be who I am. See how my movement is sure and how my hands do not shake, nor my frame tremble. I’m Ben’s mate, his love, and I make sure my pride is reflected in my gait. I’m to be his equal, his one and only, so my chin is lifted high and my back straight.

  The glass double doors at the far edge of the room are closed, a gauzy curtain hanging in front of it, not dense enough to block out the lunar light that drifts in through the arched window. I see the outline of a balcony, but the pull of curiosity is not strong enough to divert me from my path to the bed. I crawl onto the yielding mattress and fall onto my back, the opulence bringing a whimper to my lips. It smells sweetly of roses, a heaven to die on, I think. I close my eyes and inhale measurably to still the rising panic. It’s natural to fear pain and loss, but it’s not enough to stop me from joining Ben. Thank goodness for that. To come this far and turn back might have ended up destroying us both.

  ‘This is your last chance.’ Ben’s words echo in my mind, hollow with despair. ‘Maybe … maybe we can think of something else.’

  I sit up and am so very cross with him. This night will be difficult for both of us and he’s making it worse. The time for maudlin reflection is over. I’ve seen it all – what kind of fiend he is – I know … most of what there is to know about my new life. He stands before me, stone still, expression pained as he tries to make me understand. Well, can you not understand me? You can be a monster to everyone else, a terror, a horror, but to me, you are home and safety.

  I take his hand and bring it to my lips. What would he have me do? It wasn’t like I could live without him now. Not only did his Sire wish me dead, as I said before, not being together would destroy us. I refuse to be in this world knowing he is out there, mourning the loss of me.

  No, this is how it should be. I will be with you. That is all there is and will be for me, alright?

  ‘I am selfish.’

  I shrug. “So am I.”


  “You will no longer know the feel of sunlight though its smell will taunt you on the skin of prey,” he says harshly. “You will forget nothing. Knowledge of this magnitude is a torment I cannot explain.”

  I wince. His words carry enough power to have an uncomfortable pounding start in my temples. Unable to say what I suspect he wants me to, I repeat my important question out loud. “What would you have me do?” My voice is raspy from emotion.

  “Leave me.” He speaks, and I know though it kills him to say so, he wants me to take him seriously. “Leave the country. Run as far from me as you possibly can and I will bring Daniel close to me so he cannot harm you. I will forbid it.” Maybe if I had not decided he was my destiny I’d listen with the intention of obeying him. I’ve chosen, love. I accept what is to be our future together, and I’m ready for it to begin, for this chapter of my life to be over.

  “Please,” he whispers urgently.

  Another wince from me. “No,” I murmur back, tears in my eyes. “So stop asking, it hurts me.”

  He moves, startling me since he had stood so still. He kisses my check, catching the tears that stream down my face. I’m not weak, but the thought of losing him is enough to break me, to shake me to my core.

  ‘You cry for me. Will you still when the tears are bloody?’

  Damn it, why can he not see if I’m in his arms, and he is safe, I will never have need to cry again? Well, I’m over it, done with this conversation. With steady hands, I hook my fingers under the hem of his tee shirt, and rising onto my knees draw it over his head. I place my palms on the muscular plane of his chest and gaze into his eyes.

  I am ready.

  ‘The transformation will be quick,’ Ben thinks. ‘Do you wish to know what will happen?’

  I hesitate.

  Think carefully, Lee. Do want to know what pain is to come, or will you deal with it better if it simply surprises you?

  “Don’t tell me,” I say in a rush. “Just do it.”

  He cocks his head and pushes his love for me behind a steely veneer of ice. ‘As you wish.’

  Chapter 9

  The Tender Birth Of A Neophyte

  Oomph! I’m flat on my back. Ben pushed me so hard the air left my lungs, and I’ve bitten my own tongue. His legs pin mine to the bed, one hand holds both my arms above my head in a vice like grip. Okay, do not panic. Gah! Snarling, Ben is snarling, and his mouth is open, and, oh my god, his fangs look terrifying right now. He jerks down and I jump in my skin and tremble a little.

  “This will hurt,” he murmurs darkly. “A lot.”

  He’s not my Ben anymore. A brute has consumed his flesh and his body is no longer my haven, but demon spawn sent to punish me. I inhale on a gasp, in shock, terror. I think I see hell in his eyes. I scream, but his hand covers my mouth and my head is pushed roughly to the side, tilted to expose my throat. Ben hisses as he bites my throat, snarling as he clamps down. The crunch of cartilage punctures the edgy silence. My heart beats too hard, my fright too great, and I faint from panic alone. Another flex of his jaw is like shock paddles, and I’m back, lucid in agony. I scream louder, my throat raw from the horror-struck sounds of my fear being muffled by Ben’s palm. My back arches at the pain radiating from my neck; pushing me closer to my assailant who clutches me tighter, lifting my torso from the mattress.

  I can’t help it, my body revolts and tries to wriggle away, but he holds me and drinks, feeding from me with starved delight.

  I wanted this?

  Yes, you asked for this, begged for it, remember, Lee?

  My scream cuts off on a gurgle – there is no air left in my lungs. I drag in another half breath, only managing a sharp squeak before I’m hyperventilating. My fingertips and toes tingle before going numb. The numbness spreads, preceded by what feels like knife tips jabbing my skin. Lightheaded, I twitch uncontrollably.

  Ben sucks, long and hard, drawing blood from deep within. I stop moving. Am I nearly done? There is light in this darkness, and I cling to the thought I wanted this. Yes, there is pain but my gain is Ben, forever.

  Come on, Lee, you can do this.

  What is that crunching…?

  My windpipe collapses under the pressure, but by this time, I only recognize the body part no longer functions, I cannot feel it.

  Ben releases his punishing grip on me and I fall in an ungainly sprawl. When my back hits the mattress, my head lolls to the side, which is annoying because now all I see is the wall. The faded paint has peeled away revealing stone underneath. I cough, my chest heaving. Everything is blurry, the candlelight dim smudges in the dark.

  Ben growls – struggling with something? I try to understand what’s happening outside my own body’s messed state. Oh no! Sobs tear from my love, and I want so badly to wrap my arms around him and gather him close, to whisper in his midnight hair that I understand what’s happening and that I forgive him. Maybe I should’ve asked for details before I let him turn me. This feeding is considerably different from what he has shown me, but how could he have shown me what this was going to be like?

  Oh, see how you miss the point. Lee, focus and think! Ben can hear your thoughts.

  Did I renounce him and our love at any point? Uh, I don’t think so. He knows I’m in this for the long run. I want to turn to him, to help him with the doubt he fights, but I simply cannot move. Sorry love, you have to battle this one on your own. My neck burns, my mouth is horribly dry, and I’m sure Ben got too carried away and ripped my limbs off. I no longer feel them.

  My heart stutters, trying to keep going. How frustrating. The longer this takes, the longer I’m in pain. Ah, Ben, you need to change me now or it will be too late. My heart needs to stop completely but I’m thinking there needs to be a blood exchange before then. I try to move my lips to form his name, but I cannot feel them, and who knew feeling your lips move helped you to speak.

  I think … I think I’m going to pass out, the tingling and light-headedness is increasing. Damn. My eyes slip closed, my lips move silently, so I in my head I call out a slurred, ‘B-Ben!’

  Something warm presses against my mouth and nudges me. ‘Choose.’ The word echoes in my head, edged with panic.

  I already have, silly for him to ask me again. Was that sardonic sigh really mine? I would never have thought I had enough energy for that. My throat is good for nothing. I couldn’t swallow if I tried. Love, do you understand? I can’t move my lips!

  My head is tilted back and my eyelids crack open. Ben hovers above. How long has it been since I took a full breath of air? One minute? Two, perhaps? Over four minutes and brain cells die resulting in irreparable damage, right? Dying takes a long time. Is this why people claim to see flashes of their life? I cannot see any of mine. Then again, I’m not dying in the traditional sense, am I? I’d better not be, anyway.

  Ben’s expression is lost to me as my eyesight warps. Ouch! I’ve been hit with an impression of anguish direct from him to me. Guilt rides him like a stallion mating a mare. My poor love, look at what I’m putting his soul through. He did not ask for this, for my love, yes, but not for this.

  I will have to love him most thoroughly once this painful interlude is over.

  Oh look, I see again. Ben is brings his pale wrist to his mouth, fangs bared, and bites down, sucking. Hmm. This part is important, I can tell. Am I supposed to be this calm so close to the end?

  Ben presses his lips to mine, the ends of his thick hair tickling my forehead. A kiss. My, how sweet, but isn’t he supposed to be changing me? Wet warmth trickles into my mouth, metallic, and salty. Blood. It dribbles down and my devastated throat snaps back to place with a painful crunch. Good, I won’t miss that feeling. I swallow, a pitiful thing, an instinctive reaction to the liquid pooling deep inside me with no place to go. Ben rewards me with a stroke of his tongue. Past the pain, this gentle touch sends a zap of electric current through my frame and revives me like nothing else. I want more, another bloody kiss, so I swallow again, and this time he rewards me with a
chuckle.

  The blood hits my stomach and the world explodes.

  I screech and convulse. Why is the pain not done with yet? I’ve already suffered and survived the part that hurt, right? Ben holds my arms down, whispering comforting things to my mind, knowing if he says the words out loud, I will go crazy. Memories slam into me from the damned that have walked the earth before me, all of them. I relive each feeding, each pleasure, and pain. Thousands of years of knowledge and emotion crash over me and I weep, scream, and writhe.

  Ben kisses me, as if to draw out everything through this simple act. The action has me remembering the kisses of a hundred others and I whimper. The pleasure is excruciating, but nowhere near as heart wrenching as the pain.

  Maybe if he gives me… “More,” I beg.

  He keeps hold of my hands and trails kisses down my neck, brushing over the valley between the swells of my breasts. I jolt and arch further into him, seeking. He ignores me, inhales deeply, and sighs so sadly. Sliding back up he sinks his fangs into the hollow of my neck, jaws clamping painfully hard.

  No! Again? I thrash. Ben, it hurts! You won’t stop? I’m nearly dead, love, you’ll drain me before I change.

  ‘You are strong; your body fights, but it must die, my heart, forgive me.’

  His words are filled with sorrow and soothe me instantly. Still, I thrash. I’m mindless with pain, but the small doubt I struggle to keep at bay is crushed beneath the knowledge that he will never let me go.

  He releases my hands only to grab my head and draw me into him. “Bite me,” he commands throatily.

  My eyes pop open in wonder. It does not hurt! His voice it does not hurt my ears, instead I only hear Ben, his sweet lilt soothing my ragged nerves. I knew his voice would be amazing. I knew it.

  He urges my head closer and my brows twitch into a frown. I’m too weak to roll my eyes. How does he expect me to bite him?

  Lee, that prickling in your upper gums, what is that?