Shakespeare's Hamlet in Plain English

by C.J. B.

Scene 2

  Enter Hamlet and three of the Players

  Hamlet Speak the speech, I pray (used to emphasise a request or command) you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly, in a lively and fluent manner; if you’re going to deliver it as many of your fellow actors do, I would rather the town crier spoke my lines. Neither must you saw the air too much with your hand, like this (demonstrates), but be moderate and gentle in your manner; for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as I may say, whirlwind of your passion, you must acquire and display a temperance, a degree of restraint and control, that may give it smoothness. O, it offends me to the soul to hear a robustious, periwig-wearing player overact and completely spoil a strong emotional piece, tearing it to tatters, to very rags, deafening the spectators stood in front of the stage (the cheapest part of the theatre for members of Elizabethan theatre audiences), and who is clearly, for the most part, capable of nothing but incomprehensible silent plays and noise. I would have such a fellow whipped for overdoing even Termagant (an overbearing deity in medieval plays). This sort of thing is quite unacceptable. It’s more grating than the wrath portrayed on stage when King Herod was represented in medieval plays. Pray you avoid it.

  First Player I warrant we will honour your wishes.

  Hamlet Be not too tame neither, but use your discretion in deciding how the piece should be rendered. Suit the action to the words, the words to the action, but pay attention to one particular aspect of your performance: be sure that you do not employ an unnatural or exaggerated manner. Be sure that it is true-to-life and thus convincing. For anything so overdone detracts from the whole purpose of acting, the aim of which, as it has been throughout history, is to hold, as it were, a mirror up to nature, to reflect reality, to represent virtue and scorn as they are in life, and show things just as they were during the time in which the play is set. Now if this is overdone or badly staged, though it will still make the uneducated laugh, it can only leave the learned and more discerning spectators disappointed and dissatisfied. The censure of just one such person must in your estimation outweigh a whole theatre of common and uncultured people. There are actors I have seen act, and heard others praise, that, not to speak of it profanely, had neither the speaking ability nor the physical manner of even an ordinary, respectable person, and who so strutted and bellowed, and performed with such ineptitude, that I thought they hardly seemed like real people at all; it was as though they had been made by some of Nature’s hired labourers, rather than God himself, and not made well, they imitated humanity so abominably.

  First Player I hope we have mostly reformed any such problems there may have been in our company.

  Hamlet O reform yourselves completely. And let those that play the comic parts speak no more than is set down for them, for there are some of them who will themselves laugh and no doubt inspire some of the less well-educated spectators to laugh too. In the meantime this detracts significantly from necessary questions about the play, consideration of its meaning and its characters and plot. That’s utterly unacceptable and shows most pitiful ambition on the part of the actor. Go and make yourselves ready.

  Exit Players

  Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

  Well, my lord, will the King watch this piece of work (to Polonius)?

  Polonuis And the Queen too, and at once.

  Hamlet Bid the players make haste.

  Exit Polonius

  Will you two go and urge them to hasten?

  Rosencrantz Yes, my lord.

  Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

  Hamlet Hello there, Horatio!

  Enter Horatio

  Horatio My lord, I am at your service.

  Hamlet Horatio, you are indeed one of the most noble and honest men I have ever known.

  Horatio My dear lord.

  Hamlet No, do not think I flatter you, for what could I hope to gain from you except your good spirits, your loyalty and your friendship, since you have little more than sufficient wealth to provide yourself with food and clothing? What purpose would be served by flattering those who are not particularly affluent? No, let adulation be shown for what it is, a ridiculous and artificial display of respect where people are all too ready to fall on bended knee in fawning whenever the possibility of monetary reward presents itself. Do you hear? Since my dear soul was mistress (personification of the soul as a woman with authority) of her choice and able in her election to distinguish between men, she has chosen you as my closest friend and confidant; for you are one who has endured a great deal yet ultimately remained unharmed, a man who can accept both the buffets and rewards of fortune; who is not easily dispirited by adversity. And blest are those who are rational and judicious, who act with wisdom and objectivity rather than being ruled by their own propensities and allowing their lives to be dictated entirely by fortune. Show me a man who is not a slave to emotion, compelled to obey his own selfish desires, and I will admire and hold dear such a person, as I do you. I’m saying too much on this matter. There is to be a play tonight before the King. One scene of it depicts with reasonable accuracy the circumstances as I explained them to you of my father’s murder. I ask that when you see that act afoot, with the most rigorous scrutiny, observe my uncle. If his occulted guilt does not reveal itself as a result of this piece I have written into the play, then it is an evil spirit, a damned ghost, that we have seen, and my suspicions are quite groundless and unjust. Watch him intently, for my own eyes will be riveted to his face, and afterwards we’ll compare our judgements and resolve whether or not we can legitimately assume he is guilty.

  Horatio Very well, my lord. If anything should escape my attention whilst this play is playing and his crimes avoid my detection, I will answer for it.

  Enter trumpets and kettle-drums, which then sound a flourish

  Hamlet They’re coming to the play. I should look as though I’m doing nothing but idly waiting. Go and find a place.

  Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern and Attendants

  King How fares our cousin Hamlet?

  Hamlet Excellent, I trust, of the chameleon’s dish. (he responds as though ‘fares’ was meant in the sense of ‘eats’ or ‘dines’ (this sense being dated)) I eat the air, which is full of promises. You cannot fatten capons in this way.

  King I fail to understand this reply. These words do not answer my question.

  Hamlet No, nor mine now. My lord, you acted at one time in the university, you say (to Polonius)?

  Polonius That I did, my lord, and I was accounted a good actor.

  Hamlet What did you enact?

  Polonius I enacted Julius Caesar. I was killed in the capital. Brutus killed me.

  Hamlet It was brutal of him to kill so capital a fool there. Are the players ready?

  Rosencrantz Yes, my lord, they are waiting on you.

  Queen Come here, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.

  Hamlet No, my good mother, here’s metal more attractive (someone more attractive, in the sense of having greater magnetism).

  Turns to Ophelia

  Polonius Do you see that (aside to the King)?

  Hamlet Lady, shall I lie in your lap (lying down at Ophelia’s feet)?

  Ophelia No, my lord

  Hamlet I mean, my head simply upon you lap.

  Ophelia Yes, my lord.

  Hamlet Do you think I meant something of a sexual nature?

  Ophelia I think nothing, my lord.

  Hamlet That’s a fair thought to lie between a maiden’s legs.

  Ophelia What is, my lord?

  Hamlet Nothing.

  Ophelia You are merry, my lord.

  Hamlet Who, I?

  Ophelia Yes, my lord.

  Hamlet God is by far your best maker of comedies. What should a man do but be merry? For look how cheerful my mother looks, my father dead not two hours.

  Ophelia No, it’s several months, my lord.


  Hamlet So long? Then let the devil wear black, for I’ll have a suit of sables. O Heavens, died several months ago and not forgotten yet! Then there’s hope a great man’s memory may outlive his life half a year. But by Our Lady, we must build monuments then, or else he shall suffer being forgotten.

  Trumpets sound. A silent show follows (this condensed and simplified version of the play to follow serves as an aid to the audience in understanding it, though the more intelligent would tend to pay it little attention. Presumably, this is the case with Claudius and explains why he does not react as he does after the main play)

  Enter a King and Queen, embracing each other. She kneels and makes a protestation of love unto him. He brings her to her feet and declines his head upon her neck. He lies down upon a bank of flowers. She, seeing him asleep, leaves him. A short time later, another man enters the scene, removes the crown from the King’s head, kisses it, pours poison into the sleeping King’s ear and leaves him. The Queen returns and, finding the King dead, is distraught. The poisoner, accompanied by three or four others, returns. They condole the Queen. The dead body is carried away. The poisoner woos the Queen with gifts. She seems to reject his advances before finally accepting his love.

  Ophelia What does this mean, my lord?

  Hamlet Marry, this is clandestine devilry. It means mischief.

  Ophelia This probably demonstrates the plot of the play.

  Enter Prologue

  Hamlet This fellow will explain its meaning. The actors cannot keep secrets; they’ll tell all.

  Ophelia Will he tell us what this show meant?

  Hamlet Yes, or any show that you might show him. Do not be ashamed to show yourself, he’ll not be ashamed to tell you what it means.

  Ophelia You’re being offensive and indecent. I’ll watch the play.

  Prologue

  For us and for our tragedy,

  Here stooping to your clemency,

  We beg your hearing patiently.

  Exit Prologue

  Hamlet Is this a prologue or some obscure motto?

  Ophelia It was brief, my lord.

  Hamlet As a woman’s love.

  Enter the Player King and Queen

  Player King

  Full thirty times hath Phoebus’ cart gone round

  Neptune’s salt wash and Tellus’ orbed ground,

  And thirty dozen moons with borrowed sheen

  About the world have times twelve thirteen been

  Since love our hearts and Hymen did our hands

  Unite commutual in most sacred bands.

  Player Queen

  So many journeys may the sun and moon

  Make us again count over ere love be done.

  But woe is me, you are so sick of late,

  So far from cheer and from your former state,

  That I distrust you. Yet though I distrust,

  Discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must;

  For women’s fear and love hold quantity,

  In neither aught or extremity.

  Now what my love is, proof hath made you know,

  And as my love is sized, my fear is so.

  Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;

  Where little fears grow great, great love grows there.

  Player King

  Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;

  My operant powers their functions leave to do;

  And thou shalt live in this fair world behind,

  Honoured, beloved; and haply one as kind

  For husband shalt thou…

  Player Queen

  O confound the rest.

  Such love must needs be treason in my breast.

  In second husband let me be accurst.

  None wed the second but who killed the first.

  Hamlet That’s wormwood (something that will cause bitter feeling) (aside).

  Player Queen

  The instances that second marriage move

  Are base respects of thrift, but none of love.

  A second time I kill my husband dead,

  When second husband kisses me in bed.

  Player King

  I do believe you think what now you speak,

  But what we do determine, often we break.

  Purpose is but the slave to memory,

  Of violent birth but poor validity,

  Which now, the fruit unripe, sticks on the tree,

  But fall unshaken when they mellow be.

  Most necessary it is that we forget

  To pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt.

  What to ourselves in passion we propose,

  The passion ending, doth the purpose lose.

  The violence of either grief or joy

  Their own enactures with themselves destroy.

  Where joy most revels, grief doth most lament;

  Grief joys, joy grieves, on slender accident.

  This world is not for aye, nor ‘tis not strange

  That even our loves should with our fortunes change,

  For ‘tis a question left us yet to prove,

  Whether love lead fortune or else fortune’s love.

  The great man down, you mark his favourite flies;

  The poor advanced makes friends of enemies;

  And hitherto doth love on fortune tend;

  For who not needs shall never lack a friend,

  And who in want a hollow friend doth try

  Directly seasons him his enemy.

  But orderly to end where I begun,

  Our wills and fates do so contrary run

  That our devices still are overthrown:

  Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of their own.

  So think thou wilt no second husband wed,

  But die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead.

  Player Queen

  Not earth to me give food, nor heaven light,

  Sport and repose lock from me day and night,

  To desperation turn my trust and hope,

  An anchor’s cheer in prison be my scope,

  Each opposite, that blanks the face of joy,

  Meet what I would have well and it destroy,

  Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,

  If, once a widow, ever I be a wife.

  Player King

  ‘Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here awhile.

  My spirit grows dull, and fain I would beguile

  The tedious day with sleep.

  He sleeps

  Player Queen

  Sleep rock thy brain,

  And never come mischance between us twain.

  Exit Player Queen

  Hamlet Madam, how do you like this play?

  Queen It seems to me the lady is carrying her protestations of love too far.

  Hamlet O, but she’ll keep her word.

  King Do you know what this play is about? Is there anything offensive in it?

  Hamlet No, no it’s merely a pretence. There is no offence at all.

  King What do you call the play?

  Hamlet ‘The Mousetrap’. Something of a metaphor, actually. This play is the image of a murder done in Vienna. Gonzago is the Duke’s name, his wife Baptista. You shall see anon. He’s a cunning and dishonest character, but what of it? For your Majesty, and we that have clean souls, it stirs no feelings; it simply does not affect us, there’s nothing in it to which we can relate. Let wince those whose hearts tire of being encumbered with guilt, our consciences are unburdened.

  Enter Lucianus

  This is one Lucianus, nephew to the King.

  Ophelia You are as good as a chorus (group of actors in ancient Greek plays who spoke in unison, commenting on the significance of events), my lord.

  Hamlet I could act as the interpreter for you and your lover, if I could see the puppets dallying (what you were up to, the metaphor being that o
f a puppet show).

  Ophelia You are keen, my lord, you are keen.

  Hamlet It would cost you considerable physical discomfort to be able to satisfy my sexual desire.

  Ophelia Yet more obscene.

  Hamlet Women take too lightly the vows they make to their husbands in marriage. Begin, murderer (Hamlet is waiting impatiently for the next stage of the play). Proceed with your damnable act. Come, ‘the croaking raven doth bellow for revenge’ (quotes lines, albeit inaccurately, from an old play).

  Lucianus

  Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing,

  Confederate season, else no creature seeing,

  Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected,

  With Hecate’s ban thrice blasted, thrice infected,

  Thy natural magic and dire property

  On wholesome life usurps immediately.

  Pours poison into the sleeping King’s ear

  Hamlet He poisons him in the garden for his estate. His name is Gonzago. The play is still in existence, and written in very choice Italian. You shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of Gonzago’s wife.

  Ophelia The King rises.

  The Courtiers stand also, in accordance with court etiquette. Confusion ensues

  Hamlet What, frighted with false fire (guns firing blank cartridges)?

  Queen What’s the matter, my lord?

  Polonius Discontinue the play.

  King Give me some light. Away.

  Polonius Lights, lights, lights.

  Exit all but Hamlet and Horatio

  Hamlet Would this theatrical piece, sir, even if the rest of my fortunes disappoint, not get me a fellowship in a company of actors, and a forest of feathers in my hat (this was fashionable amongst actors)?

  Horatio It’s enough to get you half a share of the company’s assets.

  Hamlet A whole one, I should think. O Horatio, it is certain the ghost’s words are indeed the unadulterated truth. Did you observe the King?

  Horatio Most closely, my lord.

  Hamlet At the point of the poisoning?

  Horatio I did note well his reaction.

  Hamlet Ah ha! Come, some music; come, the recorders.

  Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

  Guildenstern Excuse me, my lord; permit me a word with you.

  Hamlet Sir, a whole story, if you wish.

  Guildenstern The King, sir…..

  Hamlet Yes, sir, what of him?

  Guildenstern Has retired to his room in an extremely disconcerted state.

  Hamlet Suffering from drink?

  Guildenstern No, my lord, from anger.

  Hamlet It would be more prudent of you to inform the doctor of this, since for me to attempt to alleviate his condition, possibly by exhorting him to confess his sins (and cure him in a spiritual sense), would perhaps plunge him further into anger.

  Guildenstern Very good, my lord, but please address me in a serious and rational manner and without suddenly changing the subject or talking of things which are of no relevance.

  Hamlet You need not worry, sir. Continue.

  Guildenstern The Queen your mother is very anxious and troubled. She has sent me to you.

  Hamlet You are welcome.

  Guildenstern No, my good lord, such courtesy is not appropriate. If it shall please you to give me a sensible answer, I will, in accordance with my commandment from your mother, convey her message; otherwise your permission to leave and my reporting your response to the Queen will conclude my business.

  Hamlet Sir, I cannot.

  Rosencrantz What, my lord?

  Hamlet Give you a sensible answer. My intellect is diseased. But sir, such an answer as I can give, you shall command, or rather, as you say, my mother. Therefore, enough of this, to the issue at hand. My mother, you say…..

  Rosencrantz She says she is astonished by your behaviour.

  Hamlet O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But what followed this mother’s amazement; did she not say anything further? Tell me.

  Rosencrantz She wishes to speak with you in her private chamber before you go to bed.

  Hamlet I shall do as she asks. Have you any further business?

  Rosencrantz My lord, you once considered me a very dear friend.

  Hamlet And do still, by these hands.

  Rosencrantz My lord, what is the cause of your condition? You’re certainly not doing yourself any favours by repressing your troubles and refusing to confide in and share your problems with your friend.

  Hamlet Sir, my position in this state lacks advancement.

  Rosencrantz How can that be when the King himself supports your eventual succession to the throne?

  Hamlet Yes, sir, but in the meantime, we live behind what is merely a front of virtue and respectability.

  Enter the Players with recorders

  O, the recorders. Let me see one. I’d like a private word with you (to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern). Why are you trying to manipulate me, as if to entrap me?

  Guildenstern O my lord, if I am too bold or unmannerly in my duty, it is only because of my deep love and respect for you.

  Hamlet I do not really understand that. How can you be so discourteous and yet claim such great love for me? Will you expound this?

  Guildenstern My lord, I cannot.

  Hamlet I implore you.

  Guildenstern Believe me, I cannot.

  Hamlet I do beseech you.

  Guildenstern I do not know how, my lord.

  Hamlet It is as easy as lying. Simply express yourself truthfully and in a clear, coherent fashion.

  Guildenstern I’m not able to do as you ask.

  Hamlet But you would try to manoeuvre me into disclosing sensitive information. You would appear to know how to manipulate me; you would seek to expose me, to have me betray my true motives and intentions, to reveal my aims in their entirety; and there is much to be known; yet, despite your tactics and your efforts you cannot figure me out; you have failed to elicit the information you want. God’s blood, do you think I am so easily controlled? Try whatever you will. Though you will succeed in irritating me, you cannot outwit me.

  Enter Polonius

  God bless you, sir.

  Polonius My lord, the Queen would speak with you right away.

  Hamlet Do you see that cloud over there that’s almost in the shape of a camel?

  Polonius By the Mass, it is like a camel, indeed.

  Hamlet Well I think it is like a weasel.

  Polonius The back of it is like a weasel.

  Hamlet Or like a whale.

  Polonius Very like a whale.

  Hamlet Then I will go to my mother in a while. They’re doing their best to try and trick me into showing my true state of mind (aside). I will go in a while.

  Polonius I’ll tell the Queen.

  Exit Polonius

  Hamlet It’s easy to say you’ll do something ‘in a while’. Leave me, friends.

  Exit all but Hamlet

  It is now the very witching hour of night, when churchyards open up their graves and Hell itself breathes out contagion onto this world. Could I observe religious customs and still carry out deeds so unsavoury, so abominable, as to utterly horrify anyone who possesses any sense of morality? Now to my mother. I must maintain a reasoned attitude; I cannot discard my natural feelings or seek to cause her any real harm. Let me be cruel, but not so harsh or unsparing as to deny our natural bond. I will speak daggers to her, but use none. My tongue shall misrepresent my heart in this. However in my words I may attack and condemn her, my true purpose must never become such that they are translated into actions; my actions must remain tempered.