Greatest Hits Mysteries Boxed Set (Books 1-4)

by Langtry, Leslie

  We stood there in silence, sizing each other up. This sure was a surly group – except for the uber-perky Cricket. I was pretty sure we weren’t going to get along very well. With the exception of me, Lex and Isaac, that is. A ménage a trois popped into my head, and I struggled to stifle it.

  “I’m just trying to help,” pouted Cricket. What kind of name is Cricket, anyway? Seems her parents doomed her to become a camp counselor from the start by naming her that.

  “Look,” Isaac said, “I think we just got off on the wrong foot. Let’s start over.” It was kind of cute how he did that – making Cricket feel better. Stop it! He’s the bad guy and you will probably have to kill him!

  “As I mentioned earlier, I’m Isaac. I play poker.”

  Sure, if by that you mean you deal a generous deck to terrorists. Hey! That’s pretty good! Too bad I can’t really say that.

  Isaac pointed at me and grinned. I was in danger of liking the bastard.

  “Oh. Um, I’m Missi and I’m…” What was I? Oh yeah. “I’m a widowed mother of two and I live in Texas.” The Gloria Steinem within just wouldn’t allow me to claim homemaking as an occupation.

  “I’m Lex, and I’m a bartender originally from Iowa, now living in Windsor.” Lex also winked at me. I took that to mean two things. 1) We had already formed an alliance, and 2) He saw me as the goddess I truly was deep down, toga and all.

  “Well, hell.” Sami swore, “I’m Sami and I’m an electrician from Newfoundland.”

  I wondered how an electrician was going to do in a place with no electricity. Or maybe this was what she considered a vacation.

  Silas glowered. That’s exactly what I expected him to do. “I told ya my name. I’m a private in the union army – a professional civil war re-enactor. And I came on this show because I wanted to try living an austere life. I ‘spect everyone will follow the rules.”

  Obviously Silas was going to be the biggest pain in the ass.

  “Like I said, I’m Cricket, and I’m a camp counselor from upstate New York! I’m SO excited to be here! I know lots of fun games and songs to keep us busy!” She actually bubbled on the spot. In my imagination, Monty tied her to a tree while Jack let loose the fire ants. The thought made me smile.

  It appeared that Silas had come in a distant second to Cricket as Most Likely To Irritate Me. The woman actually ended all her sentences in exclamation marks.

  “How about you boys?” Cricket chirped to the camera crew.

  The three young men looked at each other nervously. Apparently, they couldn’t decide what to do.

  “Maybe they can’t talk to us,” I said. I knew they couldn’t interfere in anything that happened – which was not at all reassuring.

  “I’m Jimmy,” the tall, skinny kid answered. “That’s Bert and Ernie.”

  “Like the Muppets?” Cricket asked. She seemed so excited to have found something kid-relatable I was worried she would burst into flame.

  Bert and Ernie looked at each other. “Who?”

  At that moment I realized I was officially “old.” When 20-somethings don’t know about Sesame Street – my crack cocaine as a kid – it’s time to make funeral arrangements.

  “We can’t really talk to you,” Jimmy said as he shouldered his camera. “So, go and do something we can film.”

  Huh. I guess we were boring them. It occurred to me that if we ever wanted to interrupt the filming, we could just talk to the cameraman. I stashed that nugget in my brain files under X. It doesn’t mean anything. I just like the letter X. X marks the spot. X stands for danger! Two straight lines crossing over in the middle. . .” Oh damn. I was channeling Sesame Street again. Thank god no one said “mnah mnah” or I’d really be in trouble. Great. Now that song was stuck in my head.

  It was then when I realized that Isaac had been talking.

  “. . .so we’ll just get started on our shelter, then. Anyone have an idea just how we can cut down those bamboo trees without an axe?”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  “If we run out of food and anyone has to be eaten, you will be first.”

  - Ernest Shackleton

  I slowly raised my hand, and it made me feel like I was back in school, half-afraid of what my teacher would say should I get the answer wrong.

  “Um, I know how. It’s pretty easy. You see, bamboo trees have air pockets in their joints and in the wood itself. You just set a fire at the base of the tree, piercing the chambers first, or, as I’m sure you know, it would just explode.” The only problem was, how could I start a fire using my bracelet with the camera crew there? I’d have to find some way to distract them.

  “We’ll need some stuff,” I started slowly because I was pulling this out of my ass as I went. I pointed at Cricket and Silas. “You two go get big leaves and fronds for the roof.” I turned to Isaac, Lex and Sami. “And you three get me some tinder, kindling, any kind of dead stuff.” I pointed in two different directions so the cameramen had to split up and follow them.

  Once everyone left, I let out the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. It only took a few moments to size up the right tree and get what I needed together. A few strikes against the flint in my bracelet and I had a small spark. After blowing on it for a few moments – I had a fire. And no one saw me cheat. Excellent.

  “How did you do that?” Lex’s voice breathed in my ear, causing lots of quivering in lots of places.

  I decided to trust him, mainly because I wanted to sleep with him. I’m sure that’s not a good enough reason, but oh well.

  “And you had no problem smuggling that in?” He looked impressed. At least, I wanted him to be impressed as he checked out my bracelet. “I thought it was an artifact from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” His smile gave me goose bumps in spite of the heat.

  I giggled like an idiot and made some stupid “aw shucks” motion with my hand. Ugh. Okay Missi! You don’t know anything about this guy and you’re already proving your mother right. Snap out of it!

  “And,” Cricket’s voice squeaked a few yards away. “I can build a fire like nobody’s business.” She emerged from the jungle with a really pissed-off Silas in tow.

  Cricket and Silas stopped short, gaping at my fire.

  “How on earth did you do that?” she cried.

  The cameramen, Jimmy and Bert looked at me with their mouths hanging open. Obviously, I’d tripped the monkey. On Survivor, the players had to do challenges to earn flint for fire. They wanted to know how I managed it and likely knew they’d be in trouble since they hadn’t been there to get it on tape.

  “Damn.” was all Jimmy said.

  I shrugged. “I just rubbed two sticks together and poof.” Lex stifled a grin as he turned to feed the fire.

  “Can you do it again – so I can at least capture it on film?” Bert pleaded. Aha, I knew it. But now I was in trouble. I’d need their compliance throughout the taping, but in all honesty, I cannot rub two sticks together to make a fire. I swear the whole idea of it is a hoax dreamed up by some sadistic Boy Scout.

  I shook my head. “No. I can’t guarantee it. I just got lucky, that’s all. Besides, we need to keep this fire going so we can topple the tree.”

  The cameramen didn’t even try to hide their disappointment as the other two joined them. Isaac and Sami made it back with an armload of dead plant matter in time for my physics explanation. I was pretty impressed with myself – but I could tell the others were suspicious. That is, until the tree fell on Silas.

  In hindsight, I guess we should’ve been watching for that, but Silas wasn’t hurt, and actually, the minor injury seemed to make him happy. Ok, so he looked more constipated than blissed out, but I’ll take what I can get.

  It took the rest of the day to fell enough trees and gather enough leaves to make a pretty decent lean-to. Sami and Cricket managed to weave some thick mats for the floor, and once we were all done, I had to admit we had a really nice place. Dinner consisted of coconuts. Tomorrow would be our first challenge
and we needed to get some sleep.

  “Well, I – for one – am glad Missi’s on our team.” Isaac startled me by talking. We don’t really talk to our Vics...ever, really.

  Lex nodded. “I think, overall, we have a pretty good group.”

  “We’re supposed to call it a tribe!” Silas barked.

  “Does anyone want to do any team-building exercises or sing?” Cricket offered in a way that implied she meant to be helpful.

  “Fuck off, bitch,” Sami said, and the rest of us hid our grins.

  “I’m still amazed at what you did today, Missi,” Isaac continued.

  “Well, I just hope it was the right thing to do,” Silas grumbled. “Everything needs to be authentic or I’ll get acid reflux.”

  For some odd reason, I got the feeling Silas enjoyed heartburn, but I left that unsaid and turned to Isaac.

  “No big. I was lucky enough to know what to do. I’m sure everyone will have a moment like that.” Okay, so I was lying. I didn’t really think some of us were capable of doing much, to tell the truth. Cricket could be counted on to drive us to murder with her inane camp psychobabble, and Silas would only be of use if we had to take on Robert E. Lee.

  Nobody really had a response, so I stood up and headed down the beach.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Sami asked. I was getting used to her language – at least enough to realize she meant nothing by it.

  “Mashing up coconut to get the oil. It protects against the salt in the water and as a bonus it works as a mild sunscreen.” Once I had the paste, I smeared it on my arms and legs before plunging into the ocean’s surf. I was sweaty, hot and tired and knew I couldn’t sleep without at least a little dip.

  My tribe had a harder time adapting. Maybe it’s because I’m from a tropical area and more acclimated to the weather. But this bunch was having a hard time with it.

  Silas’s skin turned a bright pink after only half an hour in the sun. Weirdly enough – he seemed to like it. Apparently misery and suffering were part of the authentic experience.

  Cricket wasn’t having too much trouble with sunburn. My guess was that years working outside helped her. But the mosquitoes thought she was a virtual blood buffet and proceeded to feed on her like mad. By sundown, she was covered in red welts. For just a minute I wondered if the boys really were here.

  Sami had so much melanin stored up in her skin it didn’t seem to affect her. And the bugs apparently thought she was toxic and avoided her. Isaac and Lex had a little sunburn and a few bites, but neither one complained.

  Sleeping that first night was pretty awkward. There were three men and three women in a pretty small shelter. Somehow we managed to segregate with the girls on one mat and the boys on the other. But it was still weird. After tomorrow, I thought we’d be so exhausted it wouldn’t even matter.

  Actually, this was a strange Survivor-esque show. There were only a few people in their twenties – the rest were older. I squeezed my eyes tightly as if that would help me remember my files so I’d know who we were up against on the Inuit Tribe.

  I’d already kind of met Liliana, the artist. Let’s see, there was Kit – a model who was the first to go home on two different seasons of The Bachelor. My guess is she’s a little reality-show nuts.

  Kit and Liliana were the only girls on the team. They bunked with Bob, the career politician; Brick Phoenix (I’m giving you his full name because 1. it’s completely ridiculous and 2. his real name is Norman Finkelstein) – an actor, of course; Moe – an unemployed thirty-year-old who still lives at home (well, at least not this month) and Dr. Andy – a therapist.

  Yeesh. The Inuit team was younger than us so that may be a problem tomorrow.

  “I’ll git you, Johnny Reb!” Silas cried out in his sleep.

  This was going to be a loooooong four weeks.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.”

  - The Sphinx, Mystery Men

  I tried to sleep. Really, I did. But it was impossible. It appeared that several members of our team talked, shouted and sang in their sleep except for me, Lex and Isaac. I’d have to figure out a way to deal with that – otherwise I’d drop dead from lack of sleep.

  It was so early the sun wasn’t up yet. I had no idea what time it was, so I climbed to my feet and slipped out of our lean-to.

  The fresh, salty air felt so good I didn’t want to do anything. Jimmy, Bert and Ernie were nowhere to be found. They probably got to stay at the resort. Oh well.

  A five-foot-long piece of bamboo lay near my feet. I snatched it up and decided to do a little fishing. After looking both ways, I took off my bracelet and snapped it into a straight saw. As quietly as I could, I split the end of the stick into four sharp tines, reinforcing them by binding them at the base with some leftover hibiscus bark. It looked pretty dangerous, I thought proudly as I unhinged my bracelet and put it back on my wrist.

  It took me a while to get the hang of spear fishing. There were a couple of tidal pools with trapped fish, so I wasn’t completely hopeless. I had to smile remembering the first time the twins went fishing. They used so much c4 that the one lake on Santa Muerta was unusable for ten years. Sigh. Memories.

  By the time the sun rose, I had a fire going and six cleaned fish lined up beside me on a large palm leaf. I was able to throw the spear to dislodge three coconuts – so we had coconut milk for breakfast. I even managed to split the shells into bowls for roasting the fish.

  “What the hell?” Sami joined me by the fire. “Did you do all this?” She was fidgeting with her fingers, and I realized she was a smoker. Wow. She was quitting cold turkey here. I had a sneaking suspicion that her language was going to get saltier as time wore on.

  “Yup. Want some? I marinated it with coconut. There’s some milk too.” Actually, I was pretty proud of myself. I was the Martha Stewart of Survival.

  The others slowly joined us and pretty soon we were all eating breakfast. Silas was particularly interested in the spear I made. I couldn’t tell if he was suspicious or impressed. Somehow, I knew this was going to be an ongoing problem.

  “You’re funny, resourceful and you can cook? You’re too good to be true,” Lex teased. I fought the urge to flirt back. After all, I was here to do a job and there was no way I could admit Mom was maybe a little bit right about me.

  “You should see me change the oil on a car sometime.” Okay, I guess I just couldn’t help it.

  He smiled. “I’d like to see that.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t figure out if you’re our savior or planted here to catch us off guard.”

  “Are you serious? Who in their right mind would be here when they could be over there?” I pointed at the Blanco Tigre.

  Lex’s eyes glimmered. “That’s a good point. But then, why didn’t we just book vacations instead of signing up for this sad excuse for a show?”

  “I don’t know. Apparently we were coerced and then brainwashed to think it was our idea all along.”

  “You’re probably right.” He said as he helped Sami and Cricket to another serving of fish.

  I watched how Lex took care of the others without them realizing that was what he was doing. He cared about the team. He didn’t have to. That’s not the way the game is usually played, but he did. There was no condescension in his actions. No one suspected Lex was coddling us because he wasn’t. It’s hard to describe, but he made us feel safe without making us think we needed him to do it.

  It reminded me of my late husband. Lex had a quiet dignity that I adored. And then there was the fact that he’d picked me to befriend – obviously the man had good taste.

  “Where’s Cricket?” I asked. How did I not see her slip away during breakfast?

  “Fuck if I know,” Sami answered. “The bitch is always missing.”

  “I noticed that too,” Isaac said. “Silas went off to look for clams.”

  I sighed. “I suppose we should get something collected for dinner l
ater.”

  Lex and Sami started working on the fire as Isaac and I were sent for coconuts. It felt strange to be alone with a possible Vic. No, not strange, awkward. The idea that I was friendly with someone I might have to kill very soon seemed like a breach of common courtesy. I hoped there wouldn’t be any conversation.

  I was wrong.

  “I can’t tell you how great it is that the four of us have an alliance.” Isaac smiled in utter sincerity. Damn.

  “Yeah. I think so too.” I hoped he would get the hint.

  He didn’t. “What’s up with the other team? Did you get a load of them?”

  “Um, not really.” Take the hint. Take the hint!

  “First there’s the Dr. Phil clone. And then the woman who smells like a crystal shop. That Moe guy seems okay, but I don’t know about the others.” He grinned, punching me lightly in the arm. “Hell, I think we might be the only normal people on the show!”

  I tried very hard to hate him. I imagined him poisoning kittens, eating dolphins, causing global warming. . .anything to avoid liking him. Isaac was in my alliance for one reason only – so I could keep him around until I had to kill him.

  “So what’s your story?” He asked as he picked up another coconut.

  “I don’t have one.” I shrugged and giggled, which made me look like an idiot.

  Isaac laughed endearingly, damn him. “Everyone has a story, Missi.”

  “Not me. I don’t believe in them.” What a weird thing to say. But maybe that was good and he’d just write me off as weird. I could live with that.

  “Okay. I get it. You play things close to the vest. No problem.” He gave me a little sad smile and walked away.

  I got what I wanted. But I felt horrible. This was obviously a great assignment. Thanks, Mom. I wandered back to camp to find our camera crew had finally arrived.

  “Oh man! Are you kidding me?” Jimmy looked pretty stunned as he joined us with Bert and Ernie in tow. “How did you get food? Coconut-marinated fish?” He squinted at me, “Did you get this from the resort?”