Greatest Hits Mysteries Boxed Set (Books 1-4)

by Langtry, Leslie

  “Ottawa wins!” Alan announced.

  The Inuit team looked pissed, but somewhat in awe of the fact that I continued on with this damned fish attached to me.

  “Go ahead and follow Julie – she’ll take you to your reward. Inuit – go back to your campsite. Tomorrow we’ll have our first immunity challenge.”

  “Let me see that.” Isaac took my hand and the fish in his. “He’s in there really good. I’m afraid to dislodge him without tearing your skin.”

  The rest of the group gathered around me, all offering suggestions that were completely useless. I mean, how many Canadians knew how to get rid of a piranha? It was invariably decided that we could figure something out at the spa and we reluctantly followed Julie – mostly because she was screaming for us to do so. I wondered if I’d get in trouble taking her out, too.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “By Grapthar’s hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.”

  - Sir Alexander Dane, Galaxy Quest

  Guess what? Nobody at the spa knew what to do either. And Julie was completely useless. Either that or she refused to help. Needless to say, Bert and Ernie filmed everything.

  I can’t tell you how weird it was to get a manicure with a dead fish attached to your hand. Imelda, my manicurist, politely worked around it as if it wasn’t there. I decided to name the fish Bob.

  The best part of the reward was taking a shower and putting on the fluffy white robe. Getting my hand through the sleeve with Bob was difficult, but I forgot all about him once I saw Lex in his robe.

  During my pedicure, Bob started drying up a bit. I was sitting next to Isaac, and he was still trying to come up with a solution. I was trying to get annoyed with him, but he was so sweet.

  “I just can’t understand why no one has offered you medical attention!” he said loudly, hoping the staff might react. They didn’t.

  “Well, I’m hoping that when he dries up, we can just snap him off. He’s a little heavy,” I replied. The glassy, lifeless eyes were staring at me. Sigh. Poor Bob. He died for that last pearl.

  My hairdresser turned out to be an American ex-pat named Gloria with a giant, blonde bouffant hairdo and a beauty mark that seemed to move a few millimeters every five minutes or so.

  The minute she saw the fish, she seized a pair of shears and carefully snipped Bob off at the lips. Poor Bob. As she styled my hair (which she said really needed some work), she soaked my hand in some type of clear solution. While my hair was setting under the dryer, Gloria carefully pried the two teeth out of my hand, covered the wound liberally with Neosporin and bandaged it (slipping me three ibuprofen under the table). I felt so much relief (and a little sadness) at having Bob removed, I didn’t really notice the pain.

  “Um,” I said slowly, “can I have those?”

  Gloria laughed, “Sure, honey. I’ll be right back.”

  Ten minutes later, Gloria returned with the teeth strung on a bit of leather. She presented them to me like it was the Nobel Prize. Then she took the curlers out of my hair.

  We looked ridiculous, walking the beach back to our campsite, with these high, curly coifs and bright polish on our fingers and toes. No one spoke at first, and not because Julie warned us, but mostly because it was a stupid reward.

  “I’m really pissed off they didn’t help you,” Sami said on the way back.

  “I have to admit, that was really rude,” Cricket chirped.

  “You got a lot of moxie,” Silas begrudged. Apparently he approved of the way I suffered.

  “I’m going to punch Alan in the face when we see him tomorrow,” Lex murmured.

  “I’ll hold him down for you,” Isaac said.

  It was as if I already had a boyfriend and a big brother on the team. I didn’t say much – just fingered Bob’s teeth, now tethered around my neck. Two things were on my mind. First of all was my explosive attraction to Lex. I was seriously turned on from hugging his body and kissing him earlier. Granted, everyone else got kissed too, but what happened between us was special. Right?

  And secondly, I was very worried I was becoming friends with the Vic. I was on this stupid show for one reason and one reason only. He was a bad guy. I had a job to do. But Isaac was sweet. He was looking after me. And that made me very nervous.

  When a Bombay gets an assignment, we act upon it from a distance. We rarely know much more about the Vic than his dossier.

  In this case, I was spending 24/7 with Vic. Hell, I was catching and cooking fish for him! That had to be a first. And it was going to be a lot harder.

  The rest of the group seemed to interpret my silence as dealing with the pain or not feeling well. The spa staff had fed us fruits and finger sandwiches for dinner, so there wasn’t much to do when we got back to camp.

  I sat down on the mat in the shelter and suddenly felt dizzy. My hand started to throb beneath the bandage. The ibuprofen must have been wearing off. I lay down and started to force myself to sleep. Somewhere in the night, someone put some frond leaves over me and whispered, “Good night, Missi.” Either someone smoothed my hair, or I was hallucinating. It didn’t really matter either way.

  The next morning found me wandering off into the jungle to see if I could find any fruit other than coconut. My hand was a little sore and I needed some alone time from my team.

  Remember when I said I didn’t know how I’d react to being around a group of strangers constantly? Well, it’s pretty damned exhausting. Especially when I’m the one who always seems to make things happen.

  The other thing was that I was missing my boys. At first I thought some time off from being a mom would be great. But honestly, I haven’t really been away from them all that much. And soon, they’d be heading off to college. There was a blind sense of panic washing over me as I realized that this would be what the future holds. Once they went off to school, it would take a miracle (or at least the promise of greasy food and for me to be their personal maid) to lure them back. And I’d have the condo all to myself.

  I shrugged off my homesickness. My alone time wouldn’t last much longer and I did need to get some food. Spotting a mango tree, I pushed all thoughts of Monty and Jack from my brain.

  I was just reaching up to grasp a large fruit when it just plopped into my hand. Did I just imagine it, or did I hear someone say, “Mom?” I must have an infection. I examined my bandaged hand, but it didn’t seem to be swollen or seeping. I reached up and grabbed another mango and thought I heard it again.

  This time, I looked around. I’d bet it was those cameramen, messing with me. But I didn’t see anyone. Just a couple of howler monkeys, and I could do without them.

  Have I mentioned that I’m not fond of monkeys? I mean, they’re okay, but there’s something about them that bothers me. Some people are afraid of the dark, others are afraid of clowns. My irrational fear is more like a nails-on-chalkboard kind of thing. I can’t stand pictures of monkeys dressed as people. Especially chimps. I don’t know why, but it makes me want to gag. I once threw up in a spectacular, Technicolor fashion when my college roommate papered my walls with a “Chimps of the Office” calendar for my birthday. Let’s just say she was not as amused as she thought she’d be.

  “Mom!” a voice called rather urgently, causing me to drop my mangos.

  “Hello?” I said, staring around me. That’s it. I’ve lost it. Completely lost my mind. And on a cheap, Canadian knock-off of Survivor, no less. I knew this day was coming. I just hoped it would be sooner than later. Not that I’d be the first Bombay to flip out. My great-great-great grandma told everyone that sunflowers yelled at her all the time and developed a scorched earth policy on all flowers. Hell of an assassin, though. She once took out a Russian hitman with one finger. No lie.

  “Jeez, Mom! Up here!” The voice was louder now. I guess everyone has a breaking point. Apparently mine involved a piranha named Bob.

  Something began to unfold from a branch above me. It only took seconds for me to recognize Monty, hanging upside down f
rom the mango tree. Oh. So I’m not crazy. Huh.

  “What are you doing here?” I whispered loudly at my son.

  Monty broke into a wide grin. He looked like a bat, hanging upside down like that. Jackson unfolded himself next to his brother with the same smile.

  “We wanted to help!” Monty said.

  “You’re supposed to be back on Santa Muerta with your grandmother! Does she even know you’re here?” I did feel a flicker of satisfaction thinking of Mom realizing the boys were gone. And I will admit it did my heart good to see them.

  “We told her we were going camping up near the ropes course. She never goes there,” Jackson said. That was true. Mom wasn’t big on nature. Well, except for her recent interest in my glaucoma stash.

  I looked around, “You are going to get me in trouble. I’ve got a job to do and we aren’t supposed to have any contact with outsiders!” Yeesh! I sounded like that bitch Julie.

  “At least come down here and give me a hug!” I added.

  The boys shook their heads. “This is safer,” Jackson said.

  “Cool!” Monty pointed at the teeth around my neck. “Where’d you get those!”

  I sighed and filled them in. My sons announced that they thought I was the coolest mom ever, which made me happy.

  “We’re going to help you,” Monty announced.

  “Here.” Jackson tossed something down to me.

  I looked around before opening the small brown bag. It was filled with chocolate protein bars – twelve in all. Good boys.

  “We’re staying at the resort,” Monty added.

  “We’ve got Grandma’s credit card.” Jackson grinned.

  I couldn’t hide a smile. My boys.

  “Well, get back before anyone catches you. I can’t have them filming me talking to trees.”

  The boys laughed and pulled themselves into the upper recesses of the tree.

  I shook my finger at them. “Just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re there!”

  “Uh, who are you talking to?” Cricket’s voice brought me up short. I slowly turned to find her and the camera men staring at me.

  I carefully shoved the bag into my shirt. “Oh, just a couple of monkeys. They threw mangos at me.” I grinned, holding up the fruit and hoping they would buy it.

  “You are so weird,” Cricket said. Bert and Ernie said nothing, of course. “You have to come back to camp. We got our sea-mail.”

  “Sea-mail?” I asked, realizing it was the rip-off’s version of “tree-mail.” Cricket looked at me in disgust and walked away. What had I done to piss her off?

  Bert and Ernie stayed with me. So I looked up into the tree and said, “Bye bye monkeys! I’m watching you!” Of course they filmed the whole thing. But I had to say something to Monty and Jack. They were my sons, after all. I stopped for a minute, then looked up again.

  “Love you!” I said to the tree, then headed back to camp, ignoring the strange looks from the cameramen.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Michelle: For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?

  - Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion

  Everyone was huddled around something when I got back. Lex saw me and broke off from the group.

  “Are you okay?” he asked as he checked out my hand. “Cricket said you were talking to monkeys.”

  I smiled. “Just trying to freak her out. It was nothing.” I was relieved to see him smile back. In six months, when this aired, he’d see that I was, in fact, talking to a tree. But I’d have time to explain before then.

  Sea-mail consisted of a piece of parchment in a bottle. How original. There was a map that that would lead us to a clearing in the jungle where we would have an immunity challenge. The losing team would vote a member off tonight. We had a couple of hours before making the trek.

  I managed to slip protein bars to everyone but Silas without the cameras seeing. It was obvious he would disapprove, but we needed a little boost before the challenge. I told my teammates I’d gotten them from the spa yesterday.

  One, by one, the cameramen took us off to talk to the camera about the game, our chances, strategies, etc. When they returned with Sami, shaking their heads, I figured she’d cursed a blue streak, leaving them with nothing but bleeped out language.

  When it was my turn, they took me off to the ocean and asked me to sit, waist deep in the water and talk about the show so far. I hate staged photos. You know how the newspapers do it, right? The guy who woke up to find a bullet hole in his car is usually standing there, staring through the stupid hole, looking all serious. That is so stupid.

  But I sat there, in the water, in my swimsuit, not knowing what to say.

  “Just tell us what your strategy is for winning the game,” Ernie begged.

  I shrugged. I mean, I could hardly say that my game was over once I killed Isaac and that my goal was to be naked in a hammock with Lex drinking margaritas – now could I?

  My hand went up to the piranha teeth and so I said the only thing I could think of.

  “I named the fish Bob. He was okay. I figure I just moved too fast on that last pearl grab and it startled him. I mean, he’s just hanging out in the completely murky depths of a plastic pond and wondering what the hell is going on, right? I still feel sorry for him. Gloria up at the spa made this necklace for me. I guess I’ll always have a piece of him.”

  It was kind of like having an out of body experience. Why couldn’t I just shut up? No. I had to keep going about some dead piranha like an idiot to a cameraman who recently saw me tell monkeys that I love them.

  As we walked back to the group, I realized that I was the fish out of water here – not Bob. If only the Council had selected my cousin Dak, or Gin, they’d be ten times better than me.

  “Let’s go!” Cricket called. She looked like she was badly in need of a clipboard.

  “About god-damned time!” Sami grumbled.

  Isaac took the map and the lead with Lex and me trailing behind him. I was torn between studying my Vic and flirting with my new boyfriend-who-didn’t-know-he-was-my-boyfriend.

  “So, what do you think, Missi?” I realized Lex was saying something to me very quietly.

  “Huh?”

  “About the alliance? You, me, Sami and Isaac?” He looked a little frustrated.

  “Oh. Yeah. Sure.”

  Isaac looked back at me and winked and I smiled involuntarily. This was getting worse. And I had no idea how to fix it.

  According to his dossier, Isaac was a bad man. A cold-blooded killer. But my gut was telling me that he was one of the good guys. What the hell was going on here?

  “I’ll fill Sami in after the challenge,” Lex said.

  The challenge. Right. I could figure out a solution after the challenge. After all, I was on a mission, and that mission involved staying on the show until I could off Vic. Isaac. Vissac. Hmmmm.

  My brain was exhausted by the time we came to the clearing where the immunity challenge was to take place. The protein bars were starting to kick in, and I could see the other team was struggling. It was highly likely they hadn’t had any food or water (or protein bars dropped from seventeen-year-old primates) so this should be fairly easy.

  “Welcome back,” our snarky host, Alan, said. I wondered if I could kill him instead. The whole show was a joke.

  “Listen!” Julie shrilled. Oh yeah. She was already dead to me.

  Alan continued, “This challenge is for immunity. The tribe that wins goes back to camp. The losing tribe will vote someone off tonight.”

  He pointed to the course and I started laughing. Did Mom set this up? It was an exact replica of the ropes course on Santa Muerta! How weird? Although I wouldn’t put anything past the Council – they wanted to ensure I’d get the job (the one I no longer wanted to do) done.

  “You’ll work as a team to get through each of the segments of the course. At the
end, you’ll zip line to the finish. The other team members can help, but the last one through the course has to fasten themselves on to the zip line and join their team for the win.”

  Julie was glaring at me and I realized I was still laughing. I stopped and acted like I was paying attention as Alan went over each leg of the course.

  “What?” Isaac whispered.

  I leaned close so Julie wouldn’t get too pissed. “I’ve worked on a course exactly like this one. I know what we have to do.”

  Isaac grinned and nodded at Lex, who heard everything I’d said. Standing between them, I felt a little like a Missi sandwich. Kind of like a grilled cheese – all gooey and warm. Or maybe like a Fluffernutter with peanut butter and marshmallow. Or possibly like. . .

  “You have five minutes to discuss strategy with your teammates. When I blow this whistle, you can begin.” Alan smirked. I bet he really thought he had us this time.

  “Missi’s got a plan,” Lex was explaining to the group.

  I nodded. “I’ve worked on this exact same course many times before.” Images of helping my cousin Richie through the spider web segment made me shudder involuntarily. “It’s pretty easy – there’s just a slight trick to each part. When we get the zip line – I’ll set it up and send everyone. Then I’ll go.”

  Cricket looked doubtful. What did I need to do to convince this bimbo, for crying out loud?

  “Trust me. I’ve done all of this before.” I barely finished when the whistle sounded, making me wonder if it had really been five minutes.

  As a team, we raced to the first challenge. Two sets of long two-by-fours with ropes attached lay at our feet. Working quickly, I lined the boards up parallelly and had each person stand in a line, one foot on each plank. I took the end and told everyone to bring the ropes up over their shoulders. I’d explained that we needed to walk as one group – kind of like a dyslexic centipede (actually, more like a hexapede) across the course.