Gracie Jordan was the love of my life, my soul mate, and I was ready to do whatever I needed to keep her on the path to recovery following Noah’s abuse. My fists clenched thinking of all he must have said and done to her to diminish her spirit to its current state.
The barista slapped the bell on the counter, and I jumped. I noticed everything about the space behind the counter was moving at lightning speed. Water was running, filtering through the overflow drains in the machines, the steam wands never stopped whistling, and the people behind the counter moved in almost a choreographed dance to wait on customers, fill orders, and prepare food and drinks, all the while trying not to bump into each other. I was thankful everything on our side of the counter ran much slower. Slow was good. Slow is exactly what Gracie and I needed on this bright, sunny Saturday.
“One hot Carmel Macchiato for my love.” I placed the tray on the table and handed her the oversized, bowl-shaped mug. I slid into my seat, never taking my eyes off her. Her eyes closed, and she breathed deeply and swallowed her first sip.
She reached across the table toward my cheek and softly brushed her hand along the side of my face I assumed bore a red handprint. I yanked my head in the opposite direction and winced. I gasped as though it still stung, but instantly regretted it when I saw the look of horror on her face.
“Gracie. I’m kidding. It doesn’t even hurt.” I smiled, winked, and saw her shoulders relax.
“Jerk.” She giggled.
“But, I’m your jerk.”
“Yeah. Lucky me.” She rolled her eyes and burst out in a fit of laughter when she saw my shock at her sarcasm. The sound of her laughter made my heart skip a beat.
“Maybe your dream had something to do with you wanting to set boundaries.”
She shrugged and took another sip of her coffee. I worried I might say the wrong thing while trying to help her make sense of the nightmares or her insecurities. I knew she should talk through her trauma with someone qualified, but I didn’t know how to bring it up without making her feel self-conscious.
Gracie suddenly slid her chair back with such force, its legs barked across the tile floor. I watched her reach around the back of her chair and swing her messenger bag into her lap. The bag was Gracie’s gift to herself soon after spring break. We saw it hanging in the window of one of the hippie shops on College Avenue. Gracie thought it was too expensive, but after we walked past it three times, she caved and bought it. The roughed, chocolate suede bag with the embroidered purple flower hung across her shoulder so naturally, and it held something I was certain would become as much a part of her as her hands were a part of her arms. I watched her open the plain black sketchbook in her lap and jot something down.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Gracie?”
She held up one finger and quickly went back to writing. “Hang on...”
When she was done, she didn’t hesitate handing it over. I read the first few lines and recognized the lyrics of “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who scrawled across the page.
“Those are some pretty heavy lyrics.”
She nodded and I handed her sketchbook back. I was confused because I assumed she was thinking about my eyes, but if she was, she paired me with a song that, to me, described Noah perfectly.
“Am I the bad man behind blue eyes?”
“Oh my Lord, Jake, no!” She playfully yanked her sketchbook back. “I was on a poetry website looking for ideas on how to use creative writing to heal from ...well, just heal.” She laid the sketchbook back in her lap and scooted her chair in. She couldn’t even say the word abuse when she referred to what happened with Noah.
There was no doubt in my mind that, at first, Noah saw her as a conquest. He was a sick bastard, and he thrived on the things he could get an otherwise innocent girl to do. But he had us all fooled when it came to Gracie. We all thought he’d done a complete turnaround. I believed he loved her, but he could only hide his true colors for so long.
“Cool.” I pushed my empty plate away and tipped her big mug to see if she needed a refill. She shook her head, knowing why I was checking. “So, why those lyrics?”
“One of the suggestions was to jot down things that evoke emotions in your daily life. You know, sounds, smells, lyrics to songs, and even thoughts. All the things that could go unnoticed if we weren’t watching out for them.”
“Have you not yet learned ‘bad men’ should probably go unnoticed?” I took a sip of my iced tea and cautiously looked up when I realized my knee-jerk reference to Noah may have stung.
She just rolled her eyes and gently kicked me under the table. “I was noticing how blue your eyes were with the sun shining through the window, and that song, “Behind Blue Eyes,” popped into my head. Exactly the kind of evocation I read about.”
“Wow. More journals.” I smiled. Half of the bookshelves in her apartment were taken up with journals. Most were filled with what I imagined was a part of her heart she didn’t share with anyone. I knew writing was the one place she could lose herself. This really was perfect therapy for her.
“It’s really amazing, Jake, what the creative part of your brain can do when you turn off the outside world and just let go.”
“I wouldn’t know.” I was a business major. She was speaking Greek.
“Well, you’re missing out.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it. You ready?”
She smiled and nodded.
We walked out into the warm sunlight, hand in hand. Gracie stopped after one sidewalk square and took a slow deep breath. I hoped the warm, clean air would chase away some of the sadness and self-doubt that might still be lurking inside her.
Three
Gracie
“So wait, you’re saying he broke up with you because he thought you two were getting too serious?”
“That’s what he’s claiming.” Becki shook her head and flipped her perfectly straight, golden brown hair over her shoulder, revealing her exquisitely etched collarbones. She was beautiful. Not a stitch of make-up and she had the busboys tripping over each other.
“That’s just ridiculous. Did you call Stacy?”
“No, not wasting my money on international rates just to hear her flip out. Shawn should count his lucky stars she’s backpacking in Europe or she’d kill him.” Stacy flew over the Atlantic in May after her last final. We hadn’t heard much from her, but assumed she and Greg were having a blast.
“Seriously, though, don’t most people find their soul mates in college? Isn’t that sort of what a relationship is for?” I watched her face, amazed that she wasn’t crying. She seemed to be at peace. She and Shawn had been dating since the weekend after we transferred over a year and a half ago. I couldn’t figure out how she was staying so calm.
“I guess some people do. Apparently Shawn does not.”
I was excited to start our Saturday lunch dates, but I hated that this one began on a sour note. We’d put a plan in place so we’d never get too busy for one another. With a regular girl date planned into our schedule, we guaranteed we would catch up at least once a week. Of course, we also agreed that our “lunch” would be at two p.m. This gave us enough time to recuperate from Friday night partying and made it easier to be vertical when we walked into the dining hall at her dorm.
“So...You seem fine. Are you fine?” I couldn’t wrap my head around how okay she was just hours after being dumped. I didn’t understand how she wasn’t drowning in her own sea of tears
“Yeah, I’m good. Sad. But good.”
I stared at her as if she’d told me she had a monkey growing on her brain. “Becki, I’m so glad you’re fine, but...how? How can you be so strong? Didn’t you think you guys would get married?”
“I assumed we were headed in that direction, but I never let myself become dependent on him to complete me. I’ve always made sure I wasn’t allowing someone else to become the other half of me. I want to be someone’s one hundred percent, not someone’s fifty percent. Ya know?”
/>
I stabbed some lettuce with my fork and thought about what she said. “You are really okay?”
“Yep. Ready to see what life brings me next. Maybe UTK contestant number two...” she air-quoted, “...will be even better in bed than Shawn was.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but...you being so okay with this break-up makes me feel like an ass for how long it took me to shake Noah.”
“Gracie, that is completely different. Noah abused you. It will take a while for those wounds to scab over.”
“I know you insist that, by definition, it was abuse, but I never felt that way. I just thought we had a rocky relationship. But I guess that was naïve and stupid.” I didn’t want to make this about me, but I had a hard time convincing myself that abuse was now part of my story.
“Gracie. You weren’t stupid. What Noah did to you was serious brainwashing to make you feel stupid, and that’s what gave him the control he craved. He may not have physically hurt you, but the jabs he took verbally and emotionally, those will take even longer to heal than bruises.”
“I feel like it was so much less than what someone who is physically abused goes through. I feel guilty staking claim to abuse when others go through so much more.”
“Okay, picture Hannah living your relationship with Noah with some boy she was head over heels for.”
A sharp pang in my chest took my breath away. Picturing someone doing the same things to my little sister made my eyes well up with tears. Then it hit me. If Hannah was with a guy who did to her what Noah had done to me over the last two years, I would undoubtedly classify it as abuse.
“You’re a survivor, Gracie. You have to start seeing yourself that way.”
I wiped the tears away with my napkin and shrugged. “Becki, there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Now, most days are okay, but then a bad one slips in and I try to push it away. It’s so hard. I force myself to be happy for Jake. With all my baggage and nightmares, he has to feel like Noah is still meddling in our relationship, and sometimes I think he deserves so much more than what I have to offer. He is almost too good to be true – and he’s stuck with me.”
“Listen to me, Gracie Ann, Jake cherishes everything about you. You are the best thing in his life, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to you...actually if you could sell his DNA, he would be the best thing that happened to many girls...and you’d be really rich. Oh my Lord, Gracie, could you imagine? You’d let me try out the first clone, right?”
I smiled and nodded.
She reached for my hands across the table. “Don’t let Noah take this from you, too. You really deserve the happiness you have with Jake.”
“Oh, Becki, I am so happy with Jake. I didn’t know love could feel like this. It’s a level of emotion I have never experienced. And sometimes, it’s just so overwhelming, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s hard to believe it can be this good. But...”
“But, what?” Becki folded her arms and sat back like she did when she thought someone was going to give her bad news.
I wrung my hands in my lap and spoke words I never wanted to let out of my head, “Sometimes I worry I jumped into this thing with Jake too quickly.”
She tilted her head to the side and frowned a little. “You may be right.”
“I sometimes feel like I am two different people. I’m one person when I’m with Jake because I’m living in the now. But then after a nightmare or sometimes just because it gets too quiet, I’m another person who is still suffering. I long to be just one person. And, preferably, a strong one.”
“Look, you’ve only been free of that fuckstick for six weeks. Give yourself time to heal. And count your blessings he went home for the summer.” Becki played with her straw. “Have you given any thought about talking to someone?”
“I talk to you and Jake.”
“No, Gracie, I mean a professional. A counselor.”
“Dammit, Becki, I don’t want to keep talking about it. I just want it all to be over.”
“It can’t be over until you process it all and stop stuffing it deeper. A counselor will help you work through your emotions and memories so you can let go of the pain. Trust me, when my parents were going through their divorce, they had me in counseling. I decided I was going to hate Dr. Bob before we even walked in to building. The first day, I wanted to stab the guy in both eyes with the stupid sharp pencils he twirled between his fingers when he spoke. But that very first appointment, he told me my parents’ divorce was not something I could control. But he said I could control how I dealt with it. Those words took the weight of the world off my shoulders, and I started to heal that same day. I was actually sad when I saw him for my last appointment, because without him, I would have just spiraled out of control. You probably wouldn’t even know me. Who knows where I’d be.”
I thought about what my life would be like without Becki. I was glad she hung in there with Dr. Bob. “Maybe you’re right. Just makes me feel like I’m giving up by asking for someone’s help.” I tilted my head, hoping she understood what I meant.
“You’re giving up if you don’t.”
I stared at my hands in my lap and felt a few more tears fall. A purple-haired art student in an apron rushed by and reminded us the dining hall was closing. We stood, and Becki put her arm around my shoulders. She gave me a side-by-side hug and we headed toward the doors.
“Becki...”
“Yeah?”
“Did you call Noah a fuckstick?”
“Why yes. Yes I did.”
We both howled with laughter, which caught the attention of some bustling co-eds as we burst through the doors. Friends like Becki and Jake would help me stand on my own two feet.
Becki and I took turns giggling about her new pet name for Noah. My phone rang and an unfamiliar number flashed on my screen. I was excited Becki and I were together and it was most likely Stacy calling. I held up my finger to Becki and we stopped walking.
“Hello?” I was still cracking up.
“I love your giggle.”
The floor of my stomach lurched and I started to shake. “Noah.” I immediately sat down on the steps of the dining hall. So much for standing on my own two feet. My pulse echoed in my ears.
“Gracie, it’s so good to hear your voice. God, I miss you.”
My mouth dropped open and an audible exhale followed. I looked at Becki, stunned. She put her hand on my shoulder.
“You can do this, Gracie. Don’t let him back in. You’re not a victim anymore.” Her voice was calm, and her words were hushed and slow, but my heart raced and threatened to break free of my chest cavity. I didn’t feel like a survivor when the tears streamed down my face.
I wiped them quickly away as if Noah could see me through the phone. I sat up straight, shook my head, and took a deep, cleansing breath.
“Gracie?”
“What do you want, Noah?”
“I was thinking about coming to campus next weekend. A couple of the brothers turn twenty-one and they’re doing a big bar tour. I was hoping I could see you.”
“That’s not happening.” I pounded my fist on my knee in a similar cadence to the pulsing in my head.
“Come on, Gracie, please. I just want to talk. I want to see how you’re doing. You and...Jake still together?”
Noah stumbling over Jake’s name gave me a cheap sense of satisfaction.
“There’s nothing to talk about. And, yes, of course, I’m still with Jake.”
“I see.”
Becki was silently applauding my tough-girl act. The disappointment in Noah’s voice and Becki’s flailing was keeping me pumped up enough to finish this conversation in the way I knew I needed to.
“Noah, we’re over. For good. You need to move on. Don’t call me again.” I ended the call and didn’t even say goodbye.
Becki jumped to her feet. “Stand up, Gracie Jordan, you’re my fucking hero!” She slid her phone into her pocket and tried to pull me up.
&
nbsp; “Becki, my legs feel like wet noodles; could I be your hero from down here for a little while longer?”
She giggled and sat back down with me just as my phone buzzed with a text.
Jake: So, how’d the call go? I’m assuming the “fuckstick” is Noah?
“Becki! You texted Jake?”
“Of course I did! I wanted him to know the exact time you ripped Noah a new asshole!”
I smiled and shook my head. It did feel amazing to have the upper hand.
Me: He won’t be calling again.
Jake: I’m so proud of you.
Me: For the first time in a long time...I’m proud of me, too, Jake.
Jake: Can’t wait to see you later.
Me: Ditto xoxo
Jake: <3
Four
Jake
“Jake, honey, you never answer your phone! I wanted to let you know I will be barreling through Knoxville at the end of the month for a conference. The conference is only one day, and I have to get back home for some meetings, so I won’t have a lot of down time, but I want to come see you. Text me when you get a chance, and I’ll call you when my visit gets closer. Love you, bud.”
Me: Sorry, Ma. Was on the phone w G. Excited for your visit!!
I was thrilled for Gracie. I hoped the stance she took during Noah’s phone call gave her a little of her self-confidence back. I decided to take the afternoon to look for a part-time job. Gracie and I didn’t schedule any classes for summer semester. Neither of us needed to load up on classes, and it was probably the last summer we’d have without real jobs. Gracie told me her parents didn’t mind footing the bill for her living expenses for the summer if it meant she’d be on her way back to the happy girl they feared they’d lost.
On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep Page 2
