Ms. Infinity (Book 1): Earth's Greatest Hero

by Kirschner, Andrew

  “I SAID SHUT UP!”

  Ms. Infinity paused, looked at Misery, and smirked. “Yeah forget it, Misery. There’s no need. I think the question answers itself. Anyway…”

  “What is this ‘Misery’ you keep saying?”

  “Why it’s your name. Close as this language can get. I don’t think it quite does you justice. I would probably call you ‘Sludge Butt’ if I had the choice…”

  “’Uninteresting Pretty’ is too nice for you. You should be called ‘Dead Slut!’”

  “Well you’ve perked up. I had that name translated to ‘Bland Beauty,’ but I don’t use it anymore. You are to call me ‘Ms. Infinity.’”

  Misery rolled her eyes. “I liked your other aliases better.”

  Ms. Infinity’s tone became graver. “Never mind that! And don’t you dare forget who is the prisoner here. Your life is hanging by a thread. You will talk to be now!

  “First of all, who sent you? The president? Who is it now? And why would he even care about attacking a planet half a universe away?”

  Misery was silent, her face hardening into a look of defiance. There was a long, devastating silence. Ms. Infinity stared at her coldly. Misery tried again to communicate in the language of her planet, this time attempting again to remind her of her past. But Ms. Infinity stayed utterly closed to it. She answered with cold speech.

  “I am not going to listen to any more of your obfuscations. I’m going to take a little break. But this isn’t over between us. Oh, it’s never over. Buh-bye.”

  Ms. Infinity stepped out. To her surprise, Hal was sitting on the stairs, right outside the prison cell. He had apparently been listening to the whole conversation.

  “Hal, “ said Ms. Infinity, “You really took it to heart when I said it was your mission too. But we might want to have a talk about who gets what.”

  “Sorry,” said Hal, “I couldn’t resist.”

  “Well, I don’t blame you. Here! Let’s take a walk, or a fly. Do you mind? We really need to get out of shouting distance.”

  “Oh! I’d love to!”

  Ms. Infinity flew Hal to the atrium. It felt good to be in her arms, even for a short trip. She put him down in a chair and sat next to him.

  “So Hal,” she said, “I’d just be very careful about getting too close to our prisoner. I really meant it when I said I want to share this with you, but there are still some common sense issues. I mean, I was joking with her. But remember, she’s still extremely dangerous, and if you said the wrong thing where she could hear it…”

  “I’m sorry,” said Hal, “I won’t do it again.”

  “Well, mostly just keep a very safe distance. Listen around her and don’t speak. And don’t ever go near her if I’m not around. Remember how much stronger she is. I think you get that.”

  “Yes. I do.”

  Ms. Infinity smiled. “It really is nice to see you again.”

  Hal smiled back. “Thank you. You too, Bonnie.”

  “And thank you. About that. Do not use that name anywhere near Misery either. She isn’t privy to my secret identity. Got it?”

  “Oh. Of course.”

  ”Hal, can I ask you something? It’s a little personal.”

  “Actually Bonnie, I’ve been wanting to talk to you, you know personally.”

  “Aw. Really?”

  “You can go first.”

  “Hal, Will you…”

  “Yes?”

  “Actually, wait a minute, something my mother said…”

  At that moment, Ms. Infinity changed into Bonnie Boring. It was a quiet transformation, just a quick, natural metamorphosis from one guise to another. Hal was quite surprised at the gesture.

  “Okay now Hal,” said Bonnie, “Do you want to finally go steady with me?”

  “Well hello Bonnie Boring!” beamed Hal, “You know something? I have really missed you! Of course I would love to go steady with you. I want to be your boyfriend more than anything. You might want to keep quiet about it though. Ms. Infinity might get jealous. I’m glad it was you who asked me. I’d pick you over her any day.”

  “You’re kidding me!” shouted Bonnie, “Really? Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god, Hal!” She leapt into Hal’s chair and kissed him. They held the kiss for a good half a minute.

  Bonnie whispered, “I have been waiting for this moment for a long time.”

  “Me too, Bonnie,” whispered Hal, “When you were gone, when you flew to the space station, I was worried sick. And well, among other things, I was afraid I might never get to tell you how I felt about you.”

  “Well, I’m back.”

  “And I think you’re wonderful. I always have. Working with you this past year has been the best thing that ever happened to me, at least up until now. I think I’m falling in love. No. I definitely am.”

  “Me too, Hal. Let’s just say it. I love you, Hal.”

  “I love you, Bonnie.”

  They kissed again, but then after a moment they stopped. Bonnie looked around a second.

  “I’m sorry, Hal. We really do have to finish this mission. It’s just with Misery here…”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  “I’m really getting pissed off at her,” said Bonnie as she stood up, “Well, now or never. Infinite Power!”

  In a puff of smoke, Bonnie changed into Ms. Infinity. Hal watched on and smiled. “You know, that’s like the hottest thing ever.”

  “Save it! Save it!”

  “Well Misery,” said Ms. Infinity, “Are you ready to talk?”

  Misery was looking up at her furiously from the bench in her prison cell. “What is that thing outside?” she snapped, “Your pet? So now you’re getting with the humans like a wife?”

  “I don’t believe that’s any of your business. Don’t forget who’s the prisoner here. You’re answering my questions. So what is going on?”

  “You are a typical North Coast elitist!” shouted Misery, “Just worse. You think you’re entitled to everything. You’re everything that is wrong with Center.”

  Ms. Infinity looked at Misery in disbelief. In fact, Misery had come from the same area, and was hardly less privileged, and she knew it, though Misery hardly cared about being caught in hypocrisy.

  “I’ll tell you what,” continued Ms. Infinity, “I’ll start small. Since you’re suddenly so interested in my life, I’ll ask you a nice simple question about your world. Who is the president now back in Beacon of Freedom? I’ve been gone a while. I doubt that good ol’ President Death Grip is still in power. I could tell he wasn’t in for a long run.”

  Misery suddenly became indignant at the sound of that name, immediately recognizing the translation. “He was a traitor! A rodent! He was a coward and a sellout!”

  Ms. Infinity smiled. “He also wasn’t all that bright. He never did catch me tying his shoes together. So I take that to mean he’s now dead. So who is it now?”

  Misery held back a smile. There was no reason not to pick on a man who had been shamed and executed. Nonetheless it was not easy for her to enjoy the moment. News like this of her enemy’s old defiance may have amused her, but above all it gave her a feeling of jealousy. “You have left us and sold us out. Why should I tell you anything?”

  “Ah, now that’s a shame. We were doing so well. We didn’t have to take it to that level now. I just wanted news. C’mon. Is it Muscles of Freedom? Power Fist of the People? Lord of Ultimate Power? The Alpha Male of Liberty?”

  “None of them are. They were weaklings, phonies! Now they are all dead. We have found our true savior, the great man of freedom, Master of the Masses.”

  “Oh yeah. I remember him…”

  Hal listened outside, some distance up the stairs. It took some effort to make out the conversation. Information came slowly when it came at all. He figured that Ms. Infinity was probably using Misery’s emotion to make her talk. It didn’t seem that she had much else in the way of strategy.

  The whole thing made him uncomfortable. The idea of having a priso
ner in the first place was strange enough, but now hearing Ms. Infinity’s threats and taunts made him feel truly shaky. He reminded himself that Misery was, after all, threatening his entire world. He wondered if his companion—indeed now his girlfriend—felt as much discomfort as he.

  The names of the presidents sounded absurd, somewhere between professional wrestlers and porn starts. Nonetheless Misery obviously took the whole thing very seriously. He supposed that they must sound better in their native language.

  One other thing that interested him was an inference he could make. Clearly Bonnie must have lived in a position close to power, since she obviously knew the president personally. Exactly what her station had been in life, he could not guess.

  After a while, he discovered that Misery was not the only one getting aggravated. Ms. Infinity was beginning to shout as well. He noticed that it happened when another name came up. Yet the man they were discussing was not a president at all, but a general, “General Strongman.” He guessed there must be some story in that as well.

  All in all, listening was a very strange experience. He could only understand a limited amount of what he heard. Without the proper context, he could only wonder about what he did not know.

  “What about General Strongman?” said Ms. Infinity.

  “Why should you care?” said Misery, “You got better than what you deserved. You stepped on the soldiers, the brave men who gave their lives for Beacon of Freedom, and the general.”

  “Don’t you tell me about the general. I knew him long before you did.”

  “That was his curse. He had good reason to hate you. You were not worthy of him. Your life was about your own filthy ways, trying to be more man than the men. You’re a witch, and now you’re even more witch!”

  “What business is that of yours?”

  “I’ll tell you what,” said Misery indignantly, “The general could have been president if not for you. You destroyed him!”

  “So,” said Ms. Infinity, “You say I destroyed his chance to be president? So, what about you now?”

  “I tried to save him!”

  “You did then? I do remember you got close to him, right before I returned. Once I was back, I saw you around not a few times.”

  “What business is that of yours?”

  Ms. Infinity laughed grimly. “Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black. I don’t care much about the nature of your relationship. I mean, I know it, but so what? But maybe I should have cared at the time. I do remember what almost happened to me.”

  “And you expect me to cry for you?”

  “Well, I do wonder what you might have done, and maybe what you might have said to the general.”

  “What happened was too good for you. He’s lucky I was there to protect him. You should have been killed right on the spot.”

  “So, are you saying you were in on this? Was it all your idea? Was it your plan?”

  Misery looked at Ms. Infinity with surprise, as if a strange revelation was coming to her. After a moment, she laughed grimly. “You wretched little imp! You really do think everyone and everything revolve around you.”

  “So,” said Ms. Infinity, “I seem to have landed on a truth here. I read it in your eyes.”

  “You read nothing if that’s what you think.”

  “Answer my question!” snapped Ms. Infinity, “What part did you play? Was it your plan?”

  “Oh Bland Beauty,” said Misery in a mocking tone, “You are even more spoiled than I thought you were. You have some strange and narcissistic ideas. How many people did you think were plotting against you? How important do you really think one brat was to the whole world?”

  “Shut up right now! Just answer my question already!”

  Misery looked at Ms. Infinity cruelly. “Honestly, did you think the general really needed arm twisting? He knew what he wanted.”

  “He knew what?”

  “You can blame your sob story on me, but you’d be wrong. The general had his own ideas, and he should have succeeded.”

  “You can’t be…”

  “Oh! I’m telling the truth,” said Misery, now speaking clear as a bell, “Bland Beauty, you have misunderstood everything. You have it backwards. When I fought you, he was the one who sent me. Whatever else happened to you had nothing to do with me. Everything was directly from the general. Yes. Every single thing that made you run away. Him!”

  Ms. Infinity looked at her with disgust. After a second she could only look away. The full weight of the revelation was coming down on her, and with it came a growing shock and persistent pain. She tried to keep calm, but after a moment, she began to lose control. The room began to feel stuffy and constricting, and she felt like she could not stand to remain for one moment longer. She finally stormed out and slammed the door.

  Ms. Infinity stopped as soon as she reached Hal. She closed her eyes, teeth gritting, nearly hyperventilating. She held back her tears and took a deep breath, eyes closed. Then she spoke, “I’ve had enough. C’mon Hal, Let’s have a meal.”

  “Oh, Okay.” he answered. He was about to speak more, but he was afraid of saying too much. He had a strange, ominous feeling as he followed her on the long walk up the stairs and through the main hall into the kitchen. He could only wonder what had gotten her so upset.

  “Tell you what, my love,” said Hal, “You seem to be in a bad mood. I want to take care of you. There’s a couple of eggs left. I’ll make you an omelet if you’d like.”

  “That’s alright Hal. That is very sweet of you. But I’m in no mood. I just want to eat fast. I’m putting in the frozen mac and cheese. There’s one more if you want one.”

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  They heated their dinners and sat down to eat. Ms. Infinity looked at Hal with compassion.

  “Hal,” she said, “I want to talk to you. I am sorry for a lot of things. Look. I’m glad we’re steady. I really am. I just want it to be on the right terms. I haven’t always been great to you, and you have not had much control over this situation. The balance of power here is very uneven, and I’ve begun to worry about you.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Hal, this is a captivity, and I’m very sad to put you through it. I know how hard that can be. The worst thing would be if you came back expecting better than you got before, and I made false promises I never intended to keep. That thought makes me terribly sad. It’s a cruel situation for anybody.”

  “I’m not sure I follow,” said Hal. Looking at her, he could see that she was just holding back tears.

  Ms. Infinity picked up her head. “I’m very sorry that I refused to let you participate in the mission before. Maybe I thought I was protecting you. Or maybe I was just afraid of admitting my own failures. But it was horribly unfair to you. It made you a prisoner.”

  “Yeah. You did do that. And you’re right. But I really do forgive you.”

  “And I talked to you like you were beneath me. I don’t know why I do that. I just have an arrogance about me sometimes. But I had horrible nerve to do that to you. You’re not beneath me. I promise. I’m very sorry about that.”

  “I guess you did. Of course I forgive you for that too.”

  “Now you’re stuck here, for now. I’m sorry about that. But I promise with everything I have that it is only for a while. The end of this will come, and you will be free. I would love to keep dating you. But I only want it to happen if you want it to happen. And you should always be around other people besides me. It is very important to me that you continue to see your family. Do you know how lucky you are to have your family? I know how your parents’ marriage is falling apart, and you must really be hurting from it. But you need them. Believe me. Just having them is a gift that not everyone gets. I count myself lucky just to have my mother. It’s more than she has.”

  Hal did not answer right away. He stared out into the middle distance for a moment. Then as tears began to well up in his eyes, he said, “I haven’t seen my mother in a long time.
”

  “Hal,” said Ms. Infinity, “This is what I mean. Look, I can’t speak for you, but it sounds like she has disappointed you. The story you tell is disheartening. But you will have to forgive her. She may not live up to the expectations you once had for her. But your mother is human. I have had to learn the same of my mother.”

  “She has a new boyfriend. It’s really hard to accept.”

  “I don’t doubt it. I sympathize. It will be hard. But Hal, has she done anything to you?”

  “No. No. She hasn’t.”

  Ms. Infinity spoke gravely. “Believe me, Hal. It could be much, much worse. You are very lucky to have both parents, even if they are not together. And I’m sure she needs you.”

  “I miss her. When we get home, I will see her. I’m decided on that.”

  “You know Hal,” said Ms. Infinity, “It is nice to see you instead of Birdbrain down there. This interrogation is getting pretty old.”

  ”So I can’t really tell by listening. How is that going?”

  “Well, better anyway. Now that we’re speaking in English, it’s much less hard on me. It’s funny. When my mother and I first arrived on Earth, I found human communication strange. It took a lot of getting used to. The thing is, now it’s the only way I ever communicate if I can help it. I prefer it over my old way any day.

  “A couple of things about my native language. It is extremely complex, in ways that human language cannot begin to approach. Yet I’ve come to understand that it can be a weakness. It makes it much, much easier to lie. It’s very easy to confuse another person with endless details. With human speech, people certainly lie, but that advantage isn’t there. If you scrutinize a liar, you can catch them a lot of the time. It’s just not as easy to obscure things.

  “Then there’s the level of engagement. With my native communication, you are forced to give all of your attention. This also means that things like names really stick. So as odd as a thing like ‘Misery’ or ‘Muscles of Freedom’ might sound, the thing is you really do believe them. They are taken as your personality and your measure. But hearing them in English, that attachment just there. A name is just a name. In fact some of those names sound pretty ridiculous, right? I mean, ‘Muscles of Freedom!’ Really?