Wicked Love

by Michelle Dare

  People milled around, going back and forth through the place. They sat at tables, discussing things I only got bits and pieces of. College students worked on papers or projects. Artists and philosophers discussed things about their various passions. A group of moms sat, sipping on coffee as they discussed their life—and yes, they were glad for some adult time without the kids. Everyone had a reason for being here, and mine was to get some answers, finally.

  Cooper looked up and smiled, dimple pressing into the corner of his cheek. I paused for a moment and had to force my mouth to stay shut. It wanted to unhinge and hang open like a schoolgirl with her first crush.

  One thing about being home so much meant reading and watching a lot of TV, and somehow there seemed to be more teen drama than anything else. Only the teens looked like they were at least in their twenties, and there’d been a documentary about how housewives often felt guilty finding the characters attractive. But since the actors were actually in their twenties or thirties, it was actually pointless to feel guilty.

  “Hey, Lenore.” He stood up and gestured to the chair across from him. “Have a seat. I’ll grab you a cup of coffee. What do you like?”

  “Oh... um...”

  Someone wrote the menu in chalk on a blackboard above that counter. Not something that replicated chalk, but actual chalk that swirled in multi colors describing drinks that I’d only ever heard of on TV. Instead of getting a regular coffee with no sugar and light cream, I settled on something I’d never had before. Because why not? Having so few memories meant I had so little experiences. With Erik’s over protective nature, there was hardly ever a chance to have a new one.

  “I’ll take a caramel macchiato, please.” I reached into my purse, but he waved me off.

  “I got it.”

  I distinctly remembered telling him it would be my treat, but I didn’t argue. The table vibrated as my leg shook beneath it, grazing the frame. The bravery that brought me here suddenly seemed fleeting. Dispersing like the froth on top of a latte. Maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe it was just my need to get out of the house and do something other than hide away. Maybe it was a betrayal that I wasn’t trying to see.

  If Erik knew I was here, it would devastate him. The thought of devastating him sent me into a whirlwind of emotions that I couldn’t describe. The world tilted, and I put my hand on the table to keep from eating the floor. I turned in my seat, ready to flee from the coffee shop and never think of it again, but Cooper walked up with the latte in his hand. The dimple peeked out again.

  And I froze, half poised in my seat.

  “Here you go.” He set it in front of me.

  “I... thank you. Really, but on second thought, this was probably a bad idea.”

  “Well, you’re already here. So why not tell me what you wanted to talk about.” Cooper sat down and picked up his cup, rolling it back and forth between his palms. No wedding ring.

  I should not have noticed that.

  I sipped my latte. The combination of warm coffee and sweet caramel hit my tongue like an explosion of amazing flavor. It took every bit of self control not to moan. I sipped it again, wanting to relish in it, and forget everything else around me.

  Cooper's amused look made heat rise to my cheeks. Okay, so I shouldn’t have been slugging it back like it was the only time I’d ever had coffee.

  But it was so good!

  I set it back on the table and cleared my throat. The distraction pushed some of my anxiety back. I straightened in my seat and licked the taste of coffee off my lips.

  “Cooper... I came here because I wanted to ask you about the other day at the grocery store.”

  He leaned back in his seat, crossed his legs at the ankle and folded his hands in his lap. “Still getting to you, huh?”

  “That’s putting it mildly,” I said.

  “Stuff like this can be traumatic. It’s understandable that you’re still shaken. Did you speak with your partner about it?”

  “Partner?”

  He nodded to the ring on my hand. “I assume you have a husband or wife.”

  Instinctively, I twisted the gold band on my finger. “Husband. And, no. I haven’t.”

  “Why is that?” He kept his voice neutral.

  Probably from years of practice as a psychiatrist, but I could almost see the worrisome thoughts in his brown eyes.

  “That’s not important,” I said. “He’s away on business, anyway. But this is about the man at the store.”

  “Okay,” Cooper nodded. “Tell me how I can help.”

  Help me find out who he is—who I am.

  “I just don’t understand. He acted as if he knew me.” Despite my nerves, I took another sip of the coffee.

  How anyone could not love caramel was beyond me. I didn’t swallow right away, instead relishing in the flavor as it lingered on my tongue. Caramel must have been one of my favorites before the accident. Erik had never mentioned it or even brought it into the house before. But if I loved it this much, shouldn’t he have known?

  Cooper rubbed his thumb along his jaw. It made my stomach clench. Despite myself, despite not wanting to, I found Cooper attractive. And not passively either. I wanted to take him home and have him explore every inch of my body. Show me new things that Erik had never thought of—like the caramel.

  If that didn’t make me a horrible person, I’m fairly certain nothing would. Who dreamed of being with another man when their husband was on a business trip, making enough money so I could stay safe and at home? Sure, I could fool myself into saying this was just about the man who accosted me at the market, but part of me wanted to see Cooper again, because he was so very sexy.

  And because maybe he could help me find the truth.

  “You reminded him of someone,” Cooper said. “It might have been irrational. Maybe someone he loved who died. Grief can cause people to do some wild things.”

  I frowned.

  “Not that I’m excusing his behavior.” He picked up his coffee cup and took a sip. The fabric of his collar lifted just under his skin. The light blue of the polo added to his tan complexion and made me want to see what was hiding beneath.

  Not helping things. Not even a little bit. I rubbed my aching chest, wondering what Erik would think if he knew what a horrible woman I was. I owed him everything, my actual and true life. I owed him that. And yet, here I was, finding another man attractive. Not only that, I was going against Erik’s wishes of seeking the past.

  “So you think I was just a look alike to someone he lost?” I sipped the drink again, savoring the taste.

  Cooper watched me, his lip quirking up in amusement. I probably looked like I was seducing the caramel. I put the cup down.

  “Well, did he look familiar to you?”

  “No.” I shook my head adamantly.

  Sitting up in his chair, Cooper leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table. “But...?”

  But how did I tell him I had no memory past six months ago? That there had been an accident, and the injuries stole my memories? Stole my life, really. It seemed like I didn’t even exist before the moment I woke up in the basement. That the only thing I knew for certain was that I loved Erik and that being here was probably the worst betrayal of my life.

  The icy stare of the man’s eyes sent a shiver down my spine, despite the sweet taste of caramel trying to keep it at bay.

  “I uh...” Sighing, I rubbed the back of my neck, unsure how to even start. “Well, six months ago I was in an accident.” Instead of drawing it out, I decided the best thing to do was to rip the band-aid off. “And I have no memories prior to that.”

  Cooper’s eyes widened, his mouth slightly parted. I could smell the hint of coffee rolling off his breath.

  He uncrossed his legs. Recrossed them and shook his head. The dimple faded, not even a shadow on his cheek now.

  “I’m sorry, Lenore.”

  “It’s okay, really.” I slowly spun my cup in place. “I mean, I don’t mourn what I can’t
remember. Erik took steps to make sure I didn’t dwell on the past.”

  “Erik is your husband?”

  I opened my mouth, hesitated. But an undeniable urge lingered in my chest. A ball of all the information that had been stored in my heart and my mind, wanting to come out. Wanting to be shared. With no friends and no family, there were many things I wished I could talk to Erik about. But so many questions remained unanswered. So many topics avoided with a passive phrase or quick change of subject. It just suddenly wanted out. Out into the open, out into someone else's ears. Out to someone that wasn’t Erik.

  Which only made me feel guilty all over again. I still couldn’t decide if it was because of my isolation, my fear of losing the little freedom I had, or the undeniable attraction I had for Cooper.

  This might be my only shot to get answers. Erik didn’t go away for work often. Once every few months, which meant my next time to investigate this, or even talk to another human being about it might not be for a very long time.

  I nodded, telling him about Erik’s obsessive need to keep me safe. How he destroyed old photos and wouldn’t exactly tell me what happened in the accident. I told him about staying at home and rarely being allowed out, how if Erik knew that I was sitting at a coffee shop with another man that he’d be furious and probably scared.

  I didn’t know about what specifically. Yes, of losing me, but could the accident have been so terrible? I didn’t have any scars from it, just no memories.

  And when my word vomit was complete—so was my betrayal.

  5

  Cooper listened to me with a stoic expression. His only tell was the flutter of an eyelid here or there. An extra crease next to his brow. Subtle giveaways, but I couldn’t tell what they meant. Goosebumps rippled down my arms. The coffee in my belly became tumultuous, like the waves at sea rushing angrily over the ocean’s surface. It rose higher and higher, as if it might threaten to come back up. Still, I twisted the coffee in my hands, kept my fingers in contact with the smooth cardboard.

  It all came out. Every bit. From the moment I woke, to the way we had sex, to the way Erik kept me close to him. How even now, if Erik knew, he’d be furious that I had left the house. And how he refused to let me know about my past, even though I desperately wanted to.

  The last word fell from my mouth, and my shoulders slumped. I’d never been able to tell anyone any of this. Erik had been the only constant in my life for the last six months. Sure, the people at the grocery store and the tellers and the employees walking the floor were around, but how was I going to explain to a random stranger about the insanity of my life? They’d probably call the police. They’d take me away. Maybe put me in a psychiatric ward, or one of those homes meant to help women and families get back on their feet. And what would happen to Erik? Would they lock him up? Jail or maybe a psych ward himself. My heart ached at the thought.

  An odd mix of relief and fear rushed out in the words. Relief that it was out in the open. Fear of what it might mean.

  Cooper steepled his hands, pressing the tips of his fingers together. His lips pulled back, and that dimple stuck out of the corner of his cheek. My hands tightened on the cup, pressing the cardboard in, the plastic top popping off from the pressure.

  “Am I crazy?”

  If nothing else, I needed to break the silence. Get rid of the quiet air between us and replace it with sound. Sound that might have hope. Hope of getting answers. Some sort of answers, whatever they may be. And hope that I hadn’t just made the worst mistake of my life.

  Cooper sucked in a breath and let his hands fall to the arm of the chair. “No. I don’t think you’re crazy.”

  “Then why am I obsessing over a man who had a case of mistaken identity?”

  Obsessing over that. Obsessing over a past I couldn’t remember. Obsessing over a man I shouldn’t want.

  But even now, sitting here, scared out of my mind, my chest burning from all the secrets told—I couldn’t deny that Cooper was a very sexy man.

  I twisted the gold band on my left ring finger.

  “Lenore,” Cooper leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “What you told me, it’s a lot for anyone.”

  “I know, but I can handle it. Really, I just... I need some answers, ya know?”

  He nodded. “You deserve them. But before we move on with this, I think you need to realize something.”

  The way he said it had me scooting forward in my seat. The first answer felt like it was right there on the tip of his tongue. Or at least something that would send me in the right direction.

  “This might be hard to hear.” He put a hand over mine. "But it sounds like you’re in abusive relationship."

  My head shot up, jaw slack as I stared at him in utter shock. I jerked my hand away, not wanting the touch. “What? That’s insane. Erik has never—and would never— hurt me.”

  “Maybe not physically,” Cooper said. “But you have no memories prior to six months ago, and he won’t give you any details. Don’t you wonder if there’s any other family searching for you?”

  “I asked him about that—”

  “And he said there is none right?”

  “Right...” Hesitation lingered in that one word.

  “And you said he doesn’t want you knowing about the past, because he doesn’t want you to dwell on it.” Cooper scooted forward in his seat, looking at me with intense green eyes. “How do you know it’s not because you wanted to leave?”

  My heart thudded, faster than it should be able to, against my chest. The thought never crossed my mind. Even now, thinking Erik might not be the man I loved—the man who I thought would stop at nothing to protect me—it made physical pain sear through my mind. I winced, putting a hand to my temple.

  “Are you all right?” Cooper put his hand on my arm.

  Goosebumps rippled on my skin, and I pulled my arm away.

  The pain faded slightly, and I nodded. “Fine. Just this is a lot to take in. And I don’t think you’re right. Erik is too loving, too sweet. He’d never hurt anyone.”

  “Hurt comes in many forms.”

  “I’m not here to talk about Erik,” I said. “Not intentionally, anyway. I’m here to talk about what happened at the supermarket.”

  Cooper leaned back in his seat. It’s true, I had just word vomited everything that had been in my head. And it had been wrong for me to do so. That was clear now. It had given Cooper the wrong impression. I’d only wanted to unload. Vent. Get it all out to someone.

  And now Cooper thought Erik might be abusive.

  He was wrong.

  “Maybe the man wasn’t mistaken,” Cooper said. “Maybe you’re a missing person. Maybe there are people looking for you.”

  “He said I was dead.”

  Cooper shrugged. “People go missing long enough, or if they find enough evidence, then that can be a natural reaction.”

  I shook my head. “No. He did not seem like someone happy to see me alive.”

  “Maybe he wasn’t. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t know who you were.”

  A knot formed in my stomach. “That’s impossible. I’ve been with Erik forever.”

  “But you only remember six months.” He stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles. “And Erik won’t let you on the computer. He only lets you have a flip phone. And you don’t have any friends.”

  I opened my mouth and closed it, uncertain what to say. In many of the books I’d read, women had been in similar circumstances. But that had been fiction. This was actual life. If something had happened to me, wouldn’t it have been reported? Wouldn't I still have a missing persons report?

  And wouldn’t I know if I were being abused? Physically or otherwise?

  While my brain tried to rationalize and give some coherent truth to the last six months of my life, my fingernails dug into the palm of my hands. At some point I’d balled them into fists.

  “Is there a room you’re not allowed to go into?” Cooper asked.

&n
bsp; “The basement,” I said. “That’s where I woke up, I think. The first few hours of being back home are sort of like a fog.”

  “What do you remember?”

  I ran my tongue over my teeth, the remnant coffee taste still on the surface. “Metal, I think. Cold. A storm. I may have dreamed it. I’m really not sure.”

  Cooper rubbed his jaw again. “Okay, so let’s try this. You said this all happened six months ago? There’s got to be hospital reports. News reports, maybe. Something that might tell us what happened and give you some answers.”

  I shook my head. “I’ve checked.”

  His brows shot up.

  “I uh… sometimes, I take Erik’s phone. To see what I can find out.”

  A smirk tugged at the corner of his lip. “Resourceful.”

  Heat rushed to my cheeks. “Not the point.”

  “What is the point?”

  “You’re saying I shouldn’t trust Erik?”

  Even the thought made me feel sick. If I jumped off a cliff, Erik would be the first one to jump after me. Either to save me or die with me. He doted on me, cuddled on the couch. He’d never lied to me.

  A small voice in the back of my head whispered. That I know of.

  “I’m saying that if the guy from the market knows you from before the accident, it might shed some light into why he was so intense about it.” Cooper pulled out his phone.

  The large screen lit up, like Erik’s with internet access and the capability to do everything by touching the screen or talking to it. And then I wondered why Erik wouldn’t let me have modern accessibility. At first he’d said because he didn’t want me getting curious about the accident. So maybe Cooper was right. Maybe there was something out there about what really happened to me.

  And then that betraying feeling came back. Defying Erik, going against his wishes. There was probably a reason that Erik didn’t want me to know. Something that would wound me deeper than not remembering would. But deep down, I wanted to know. On some level, I needed to know.