In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  “We…we fell asleep at Dana’s house,” I lied. “School hasn’t started back yet, Mama, so what’s the big deal?” Truth of the matter was, we were having so much fun joy riding in the streets and going home to listen to Mama and Daddy argue was the last thing on our minds.

  Mama snatched both of us into the house, yelling with fury in her eyes, “Get y’all asses in here, get your clothes and get out! I will not raise no street runners, running in and out of my house when y’all get good and ready to! This ain’t no damn whore house over here!”

  Out of respect, Jesse was one to always do what she was told, but I had to challenge Mama. “Dang, you gon’ throw us out for coming in late? Why you always yelling so much?”

  Mama pointed her finger at my face, touching the tip of my pointed nose. “Brenda, shut your damn mouth, girl, and get out of my house! Now!”

  I backed away from her aggressiveness and went into the bedroom where Jesse was.

  “She just wants to be here alone with Daddy,” I whispered. “Where in the hell are we supposed to go?”

  Jesse shrugged, shaking her head with disgust. We listened to Mama tell Daddy how tired she was of us. “I put up with all that backtalk and coming in late mess from Rita! I’ll be damned if I go there with them! I be worried about them fools, and until they have kids, they will never understand!”

  It didn’t take Jesse and me long to pack up a few things and leave. On our way out, I peeked in the kitchen and saw Daddy sitting at the kitchen table. There was a whisky bottle in front of him, and with a glassy film over his eyes, he looked dazed. He took a few puffs from his cigarette, not saying a word. Obviously drunk, I don’t think he knew or even understood what was going on.

  At nearly two o’clock in the morning, Jesse and I walked up Burchard Drive with our clothes stuffed into a few grocery bags and no place to go. In a few days, we knew Mama was going to Nashville to see Rita and wished we could go along to stay. Rita’s life had to be better than this, and from occasionally talking to her over the phone, moving away seemed to be the best thing she could have done.

  Since our friend, Dana, stayed only a few blocks away, we stopped at her house first to see if we could stay the night. We tapped on her window to ask, but was told we’d have to ask her mother. Dana let us in and we entered her mother’s bedroom to wake her.

  “What is it, Dana?” she said in a groggy and tired voice.

  “Brenda and Jesse need a favor.”

  Dana’s mother turned on her lamp and slowly sat up in bed. Her head was wrapped in a flowered scarf, and by the frown on her face, I could tell she wasn’t pleased about her sleep being interrupted.

  “Ms. Lloyd,” I said, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t turn us away. “Do you mind if my sister and me stay at your house for a few days? My mother put us out and we don’t have anywhere to go.”

  Her face scrunched and she gasped. “Put y’all out? Out for what?”

  “Because we missed our curfew. My aunt said she’d come get us in a couple of days but…”

  I lied about my aunt, because Ms. Lloyd seemed reluctant to let us stay. She removed her scarf, straightening her curly wig on her head and clearing her throat.

  “No more than a couple of days,” she said. “After that, make sure you and Jesse find somewhere else to go.”

  We nodded and headed for Dana’s room. She spread out some thick blankets on the floor and we were glad to have a place to sleep. That night, my heart was heavy. I was angry with Mama for how she betrayed us and words couldn’t express my hatred for Daddy. Even more, I wished he’d never come back into our lives. Shame on me for thinking that having him around would make our lives better.

  Over the next few days, Jesse and I had to decide where to go. We didn’t have many friends and going to live with someone in our family wasn’t an option. Out of all the aunts, uncles and cousins we had, we weren’t close to anyone. Many of them lived in the city, and we had no way to reach them. Our other friends’ parents weren’t getting involved and Ms. Lloyd was starting to catch an attitude. The only solution seemed to be the Greyhound Bus Station, because it was the only place we knew of that stayed open all night. We could easily mix in with the homeless people, so we saw it as an option.

  Mama was expected to have left for Nashville to see Rita, and if Daddy wasn’t going to be at the house, we had planned to sneak back in until Mama returned.

  Up until then, though, we hit the streets with Dana, Shantell and Loretta. Dana seemed to be the only one who had a stable home, but Shantell and Loretta were just as lost as we were. We all made good friends and seemed to have so much in common. Shantell, Dana and Loretta were a year younger than me, and Jesse was the oldest of the bunch. To pass the days away, we stole food from an Overland Diary Market on Dunn Road, and walked the streets, looking for trouble in our subdivision known as Hathaway Manor. Shantell and Loretta hipped us to stealing merchandise from Target and Venture, and then we’d return the items to get money. At the time, it was called surviving and shoplifting had become a way to get by.

  The night we planned to sneak back into the house, we walked by it, seeing Daddy’s car parked outside with two other unfamiliar cars.

  “Maybe Mama didn’t go to Nashville,” I said, looking over at Jesse as we continued to keep a close look-out on our house. “What do you think we should do?”

  “Let’s stay at Dana’s house for one more night. Mama should definitely be gone by tomorrow.”

  We looked at Dana, as she hiked up the street with her short bowlegs. Shaking her head, she lit up a cigarette and inhaled the smoke. “Don’t look at me. Y’all better go talk to my mother about that shit. I don’t have nothing to do with it.”

  I hoped for a back-up plan, so I turned to Loretta and Shantell who were snacking on some chocolate chip cookies we’d just stolen. “Do you think either of your moms will let us stay the night? It would only be for one night.”

  “Hell, naw,” Shantell said. “You can forget about asking my mother.”

  “Me too,” Loretta said. “Y’all know damn well that my stepfather ain’t going for it.”

  Having no other choice, we all walked to Dana’s house and her mother was sitting at the kitchen table while reading the newspaper. I begged Dana to ask her for us and I was grateful when she did.

  “I guess so, Dana,” her mother said, sighing. “But I thought your aunt was coming to pick y’all up?”

  “We couldn’t get in touch with her,” I lied again. “Hopefully, tomorrow.”

  The next morning, we crept by our house, noticing that the coast was clear. I climbed through the basement window, and then opened the basement door for Jesse to come inside. As I went up the stairs, I could smell marijuana smoke and the aroma of alcohol was potent. The kitchen was a disaster. Dishes were piled high, leftover food was scattered on the table, and beer cans and whisky bottles were all over the place. Upon entering the living room, I noticed a burn hole in Mama’s couch. A thin white wrinkled sheet was on the couch and smoked blunts were in an ashtray that was on the floor.

  As I headed for my bedroom, I saw the door closed, but I could hear someone inside. I placed my hand on the knob, and when I pushed on the door to open it, my Daddy’s friend was lying on my bed with a light-skinned woman that had thick fat rolls bouncing up and down on her back. They were screwing so hard, neither heard me open the door. The loose headboard banged against the wall, damn near putting a hole in it.

  “Give it to me Big Daddy,” the heavyset woman shouted, as she pounded down hard on the skinny man underneath her. “This dick is guuuuud!”

  I stood with my lips pursed, folding my arms with attitude. Once I cleared my throat, my father’s friend lifted his head over the woman’s shoulder. She snapped her head to the side, smiling, but kept on riding.

  “Close the damn door,” he yelled.

  “I ain’t closing shit! Y’all need to get off my bed,” I shouted.

  Jesse rushed back to where I was and loo
ked into the room. “I’m calling Mama,” she said, then made her way to the other room.

  Daddy’s friend shot daggers at me with his beady eyes, and he lifted the covers to hide the mass of mess on top of him. “I said close the door!” he said, again.

  Without closing it, I walked away from the door to help Jesse look for Mama’s phone book so we could call Rita’s place and tell Mama what was going on.

  By the time we found Rita’s number, through the living room picture window, I saw Daddy staggering out of his car with a bottle of liquor in his hand. When he came inside, his eyes bugged; he was shocked to see us. His friend rushed out of our bedroom, griping about us being there.

  “I thought you said you had the place to yourself, man. You didn’t mention nothing about no kids being here.”

  “That’s because they ain’t supposed to be here,” Daddy said. “Y’all need to get out, until y’all Mama come back.”

  I threw my hand back at him. “We’re not going anywhere. This is my mama’s house, and if she knew all of this was going on, she’d throw y’all out of here.”

  As I argued with Daddy and his friend, Jesse finally reached Mama. She advised Jesse to call the police and told me to get Daddy and his friend out of her house. Wasn’t sure how I was supposed to do that, but when the police arrived, they asked for the Deed to the house. I didn’t know what a Deed was, but Mama said they were papers that showed she was sole owner of her property and she told me where to find them. I gave the papers to the police officer, and after he looked the papers over, he asked Daddy, his friend, and the fat tramp who stood with an attitude because her sex session had been interrupted, to leave.

  “This is my muthafuckin’ house too,” Daddy shouted while darting his finger at the police officer. “I help pay the bills here and I’m not goin’ no damn where!”

  It was evident that Daddy had had too much to drink. He was slurring and could barely stand up to talk. He started cursing at the police officers, acting a complete fool. The alcohol had him wound up, and as the officers tried to arrest him, he began to wrestle with them. We all moved out of the way, as the fighting became intense. One officer had his knee in Daddy’s back and the other had his foot on his face. They handcuffed him, but the cuffs made him more aggressive.

  “What?” he yelled while squirming around on the floor, kicking. “Y’all gon’ kill me? Go ahead and kill me! Show everybody how the White man will do a Black man!”

  The officers lifted Daddy to his feet. “No, this is how we will do any man who doesn’t do as he’s told. Now, shut the hell up! You have the right to remain silent…”

  The officers escorted Daddy out of the house and shoved him in the back seat of the police car. For whatever reason, I watched from the window feeling sorry for Daddy. Why didn’t he just cooperate? I thought. And after all that he’d done, how could I feel anything for a man who had done Mama so wrong?

  The police told us they were going to take Daddy to the police station and book him—whatever that meant. And by the time Mama called back, everything was cool. She asked us to clean up the house and told us to stay there until she got home. No doubt, Jesse and I were delighted because we definitely had no other place to go.

  When Mama came home, the house was sparkling clean and in tiptop condition. We couldn’t do much about the cigarette burn hole in her couch, but Mama said she was going to make Daddy pay for it. I felt bad for Mama. From what I could see, she had really been through a lot with Daddy—probably more than I would ever know.

  That night, we talked to her about him, and about her trip to Nashville. And even though Mama never apologized to us, I knew she was sorry for what had happened. If anything, I hoped Daddy was just a memory to us and maybe, just maybe, Mama had had enough. My wish came true. It would be a while before we ever saw Daddy again.

  Chapter Three

  High school was a bore. Hazelwood East was a predominately White school, with African American students sprinkled throughout. The school was laid out, had everything from an Olympic-sized swimming pool, to elevators. Circular stairs led to colorful lockers shaped like cubes on the second and third floors, and the cafeteria was humongous. The school grounds were well manicured and the immaculate football field made the school proud. Burgundy and Gold were the school colors and the mascot was a Spartan. Jesse had already been at East for a year, but this would be my first year.

  By now, I had an attitude with everybody and carried a chip on my shoulder from being bullied for years. It was hard to make friends, and the ones we did have seemed to have issues like we did. One thing for sure, though, I was no follower—had become a leader. I was kind of on the rough side…kept my hair in ponytails and wore baggy jeans and sporty t-shirts. I had a reputation for being the tough-girl of the bunch, and for that, the friends I did have respected me. Jesse, on the other hand, was more laid back. She was mature than I was, and her appearance started to become a key factor for her. She’d always press and roll her hair, and before going to school in the morning, she made sure the clothes Mama could afford, or a few hand-me-downs from Rita, were neatly ironed. Her make-up was caked on heavy, but the Fashion Fair foundation made her skin look flawless. Me, I didn’t give a damn about nothing or no one. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, nor did I care who was there to impress me.

  As Jesse and I started to show our differences, we still hung tight. Wherever I was, she was. Wherever she was, I was. Her classmates used to gripe about her about always hanging around the underclassmen, but she didn’t care because throughout my entire freshman year, we were inseparable.

  By the time my sophomore year came, many things changed about me. Surprisingly, my appearance had taken priority and I started to care what others felt about me. My setback was when I’d gotten my period. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with my body, and I was too scared to tell Mama. She didn’t talk about those kinds of things and we were basically on our own when that time of the month came. Instead of using a maxi-pad, I used a sock to catch my blood flow and would always bleed through my clothes. The smell was horrible, and I knew if I could smell it, other people could too. I had finally gotten to the point where I would go into Mama’s bathroom to steal maxi-pads, in hopes that she wouldn’t notice they were missing and start asking questions.

  I didn’t know what Jesse had done when her time of the month came. As close as we were, a few things we never talked about were menstruation and sex. Sex was never discussed in our household and what little we knew about it was discovered through our friends. Shantell and Dana often shared their experiences with sex, and they’d tell us stories about a few boys in the neighborhood. Sex sounded pretty nasty to me; however, it didn’t stop my curiosity from being sparked. And as nasty as sex may have sounded, when I set my eyes on a boy in one of my classrooms named Winston, I had a desire to see what was up. I didn’t know, however, that he would be the first boy to teach me a very valuable lesson.

  Winston was the young man that nearly every chick in my class wanted. From what I’d heard, he was giving it away and giving it away good. He was fine as ever…had a light mustache and trimmed hair on his chin. He was popular and smart as a whip. For a high school student, his voice was masculine and he seemed very mature. He always dressed preppy, and being on the sophomore football team, and playing on the basketball team, his muscles had an effect on many.

  Thing is, I didn’t stand a chance with Winston. I wasn’t popular enough, and rumors had it that he liked not only pretty girls, but also smart girls. Pretty, I could do, but smart I was not. My grades were sinking by the day and I hadn’t put forth much effort to make them any better.

  During second semester, things started to look up for me. I signed up for a History class and Winston walked through the door. The teacher had assigned seats, and when she moved us right next to each other, I wanted to hug her. Every day, I couldn’t wait for fifth hour to come, just so I could get a peek at Winston. At first, he didn’t seem to notice me, but o
nce I enhanced my outfits by showing more skin, yeah…that got his attention. Not only did my new look get his attention, but it had gotten the attention of other boys, too. None of which I was interested in, other than a boy named Darrell. He was attractive and was the same one who had taken up for me when those girls confronted Jesse and me in grade school.

  As the year went on, Winston showed more interest, but Darrell showed major interest. He always walked with me to my classes, and since his brother, Chuck, still had a thing for Jesse, we all had gotten pretty close. So close, that when Mama would go to work, we’d walk to Darrell and Chuck’s house to hang out. Their mother, Miss T, was down to earth and we couldn’t believe how a mother could have such a close relationship with her sons and their friends. I mean, this lady would cook for us, watch TV with us and talk to us about anything that was on our minds. She was cool like that, and I started writing in my notebooks about Darrell being my future husband and Miss T being my mother-in-law. They were like the family I wished we’d had, and Darrell and Chuck were lucky to have a mother so down to earth.

  It wasn’t long before Darrell spoke about kissing and doing the nasty. I didn’t know how to kiss anybody and I sure as hell wasn’t ready to have sex. My fear was letting any of the boys know that I was still a virgin, especially Winston, who I, eventually, chose to be my first.

  So luckily for me, Winston’s advances picked up. While in class one day, he observed my well-endowed breasts that busted through the v-neck, low-cut shirt I wore to entice him. He licked across his thick lips, and I finally got up enough courage to say something to him.

  “I…I hope you like what you see,” I said, blushing.