In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  He smiled, and hit me with his masculine voice that always gave me chills. “If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be lookin’.”

  I was in shock and his words clipped my mouth shut. The shyness in me came out, and I kept taking peeks at Winston as he sucked a Blow-Pop in and out of his mouth.

  “Awww, this is good,” he said, showing his tongue that I wanted to taste. He pulled the Blow-Pop out of his mouth and tried to hand it to me. “You want some?”

  I cocked my head back and frowned. “Uh, I don’t think so, especially since your mouth has been all over it.”

  He laughed, but deep inside, I had never wanted to suck on a Blow-Pop so bad. The teacher told us to hush, and ordered us to get back to work. Shortly thereafter, the bell rang, and Winston brushed up against my breasts on his way out the door.

  “Excuse me,” he said, killing me with his snow-white teeth and cute dimples. “Your melons were in the way.”

  I playfully rolled my eyes, leaving the classroom that day overly excited and giddy about the attention he’d given me.

  That day led to many more days that Winston showed interest. The school year, however, was coming to an end, and time was running out for us to hook up. I was barely passing. My grades were downright awful. But to be honest, all I had on my mind was trying to impress Winston, and watching my back from the girls who were upset because he had made his move. While leaned against my locker, we talked.

  “What’s this I’ve been hearin’ ‘bout you likin’ me, Brenda?” he asked.

  I denied my attraction and shyly looked away. “Boy, who told you that? I…I don’t think so.”

  After waiting all semester to hook up with him, those were the only words that left my mouth. Obviously, he knew I was lying and his confidence was a turn on.

  “Well, if what I heard is true, my parents will be out of town this weekend. I’m havin’ a party. Why don’t you and some of your friends roll by and see what’s up?”

  I shrugged, feeling happy inside, but not letting it show. “We’ll see. If we don’t have nothing else to do, we’ll definitely stop by and see what’s up.”

  I’d already known where Winston lived because we often drove by his house to see if he was outside. I couldn’t wait to tell Jesse and my friends about his party, and as far as I was concerned, it was on.

  The party was on a Friday night, so we knew Mama would be working until midnight. We were thrilled about that, knowing there wasn’t a chance in hell that if we’d ask, she’d let us go. Instead, my friends and I arrived at Winston’s house around seven o’clock that night. When he opened the door, my heart slammed against my chest. I didn’t want to show just how eager I was to see him, but the wide smile on my face was a dead giveaway. Winston wore a white muscle t-shirt, revealing his biceps and wheat colored skin. His loose fitting sports shorts with white stripes down the sides gave a clear view of his thick toned calves. Showing how clean-cut he was, his faded cut was neatly lined and his long eyelashes and thick brows enhanced his handsome face.

  “What’s up,” he said, pulling the door open so we could come in. As we walked inside, I observed a bunch of football players walking around. Many of them I’d known from school; some I didn’t know at all. Winston introduced us, and then led us to the basement where more people were. Mostly everybody was listening to music, playing video games, or was indulged in a card game that was taking place in the middle of the basement floor.

  By looking around, it was obvious that Winston’s parents had money because the house was unlike anything I’d seen. The spacious L-shaped living room had a brown suede square pit couch and African art covered the walls. Round gold vases stuffed with decorative flowers were throughout the room and a huge black and brown shag rug lay over the shiny hardwood floors. The atrium was decked out with black spindles on the stairs, which led to the lower level of the house. The basement had a wet bar, a full-sized bathroom, and a sliding glass door that opened to the outside patio. The entire house was fit to be in a magazine, and it was no surprise that Winston seemed to have it going on all the way round. Still, I wasn’t sure why he was interested…or seemed interested in someone like me.

  As I mingled with the partygoers, Winston got my attention and suggested that we go upstairs. My heart skipped a beat, as I followed him upstairs to his bedroom. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I definitely knew what Winston wanted.

  “You can sit down,” he said, offering me a seat on his queen-sized oak bed. His room had posters on the walls and a shelf with many trophies.

  I inched back on the bed, and since I was dressed to impress in a white and red striped short mini-dress that I sported twice a week, I quickly crossed my legs. I wore a pair of clean white tennis shoes Mama had just gotten me, and most of my hair was neatly pressed and pulled back into a sleek long ponytail. Several tresses of curls dangled along each side of my face, hiding the corners of my slanted eyes. A bit nervous, I nibbled on my short fingernails. I gazed at the 19 inch colored TV in front of me, waiting for Winston to make the next move. He could see how nervous I was, so he sat next to me, clinching my hand together with his.

  “Are you all right?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I don’t know. You seem kind of nervous.”

  I moved my head from side to side, implying no. Wasting no time, Winston inched forward, barely touching his lips with mine. I had very little experience with kissing, so I didn’t know if the kiss was doing the job it needed to do or not. His lips felt soft as melting butter as they touched mine, and when his tongue slipped into my mouth, I was lost. I was embarrassed by my inexperience, but I hoped that Winston didn’t notice that the rhythm of my slow tongue could not keep up with his. Seconds later, his hands crept up my legs and he took several squeezes on my thighs. My mini-dress gave him easy access up my skirt, and when he touched my crotch, my stomach tightened. I held my breath as he massaged my pussy lips through my panties, feeling a slight tingle that I had never felt before. I couldn’t believe how a simple touch could arouse me, so I opened my legs wider to show him I was pleased. Winston, however, backed away from me and stood to remove his clothes. Having no shame in his game, he stood naked, exposing every single muscle in his stallion-like frame. I shyly blinked away, but could feel the water forming in my mouth and stickiness fill my panties. I guess Winston figured I’d stand and get naked too, but I was nowhere near as brave as he was. Instead, I scooted back on the bed, and watched him make his way to a closet. He pulled out a box of something that looked like candy. He then tore open the package and put a piece of plastic over his dick. Why was he putting candy wrapper on his dick? I thought. Did he want me to suck the candy off?

  “You don’t mind if I use a condom, do you?” he asked, continuing to slide it on.

  I shrugged, clueless and not knowing what a condom was used for. “No...no, I don’t mind,” I said. Was I supposed to put on one too?

  Winston stepped forward, causing me to lay further back on the bed. Once again, his soft lips touched mine and all I could do was close my eyes and savor the moment. His body felt perfect on top of mine, and as we clothes burned, I felt his hardness pressing into my tight hole. That tingling feeling happened again and my pussy was thumping with eagerness. My legs had gotten even wider, and Winston stretched the crotch of my panties over to the side. He fondled my sticky insides with his cold fingers and I felt more moistness building between my legs. I gave him a gentle kiss for making me feel this way, but as he positioned himself to go inside of me, I quickly broke our kiss.

  I placed my hand on his solid chest, slightly pushing it back. The feel of him splitting my insides was unbearable. “Wai…that, that hurts,” I strained to say.

  “What’s wrong?” Winston asked. “I’m not even inside of you yet.” I lay silently, looking into the eyes of a boy I wanted so badly. He looked upset. “Damn, Brenda, are you a virgin? I didn’t know you were a virgin. I’ll take my time, I promise, okay
?”

  I nodded, but this time, Winston removed my panties. He positioned himself again, and gave it everything he had to be gentle. No matter how hard he tried, though, I just couldn’t get with it. My insides felt as if they were being ripped apart, and quite frankly, nothing about this shit felt good. I squeezed my eyes tightly together, forcing him backwards.

  “This is too, too painful. I can’t—”

  “Just cool out and let me finish. You ain’t even givin’ me a chance.”

  “I did and I can’t handle this. Would you mind getting up?”

  Winston cut his eyes at me and sighed. He lifted his body off mine and lay next to me. He placed his arm across his forehead, glaring up at the ceiling. I eased out of bed and hurried into the bathroom. In so much pain, I wiped myself and blood was on the toilet paper. Whoever said that sex felt good was out of their minds! As much as I liked Winston, partial sex with him felt nothing like what I had imagined.

  When I came out of the bathroom and looked into Winston’s room, he was still lying on the bed with no clothes on. I think it was the first time he didn’t appeal to me. He asked if we could continue, and even promising to be gentle, I declined. I walked off to join in with the rest of his company and with my girlfriends I had come to the party with.

  It was getting close to midnight and we had to get home before Mama got there. She had been getting rides to and from work with a friend that she’d met at work, and that helped cut back on the late nights I had to get out of bed to go get her. In this case, it really helped that we didn’t have to leave, but since it was getting late, we all said our goodbyes and jetted.

  We managed to beat Mama home, and that night, I could hardly sleep as I thought about Winston the entire night. Jesse didn’t ask me anything about what had taken place in Winston’s room, and I wasn’t about to tell her either. I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about me “giving it up” and I wasn’t taking any chances on Mama finding out. I knew she’d kill me, but a big part of me didn’t care about what anybody thought of me. All I wanted to do was see Winston again. I wondered if he was up all night thinking about me, too. Did he still like me, or was he really upset that I’d made him stop? I had his phone number, but I thought it would be better to wait until morning to call.

  The next day, Mama had us up early washing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, and mopping floors. For some reason, I kept thinking that she’d known what I’d done. I felt so different, so adult-like…and so whorish? Why couldn’t I get Winston off my mind? Damn, was it that good and I didn’t realize it? Our encounter didn’t last five minutes, and all he’d done was hurt me. So, why was I visualizing my experience like it was the best thing that ever happened to me? Crazy I guess. Pure deep, down right, crazy.

  Around 3:30 p.m., Mama was done giving us chores around the house. I decided to sneak into the basement to call Winston. When he answered, the sound of his voice brought a pleasing smile to my face.

  “Hello,” he said for a second time.

  “Hi, Winston, what’s up?” I asked. My stomach felt queasy. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to me or not.

  “Nothin’, just sittin’ here watchin’ the game and thinkin’ about us last night.” Now, that news made me blush. It was good to know that he had been thinking about me. “What are you and your friends doin’ tonight?” he asked.

  I rushed to answer. “Nothing. Why ya asking?”

  “Because, I thought you might want to see me again.”

  “Is that another invitation?”

  “Yeah. My parents are still away and we had a cool time last night, didn’t we?”

  “Uh-huh. I’ll see what’s up with my friends, and if everything is cool, I’ll see you later.”

  “Cool, Brenda. I’ll see you later.”

  I rushed upstairs to tell Jesse that Winston wanted us to come over again. I was so glad he wasn’t upset with me, and this time, I would do whatever to make it work. But with it being Saturday, how in the hell were we going to get out of the house on a Saturday night? Mama didn’t work on Saturdays, so convincing her to let us go anywhere was going to be difficult. We contemplated the rest of the afternoon on what lie we could tell Mama. Somehow, though, I knew I was definitely going to see Winston that night. I even called up more of our friends to see if they wanted to go with us. I could feel it; this night was going to be a night I’d never forget.

  By the time eight o’clock rolled around, Jesse and I had thought of a spectacular lie to tell Mama. We told her that Shantell’s mother had a heart attack, and Shantell wanted us to take her to the hospital and stay with her. When Mama told us it was okay to leave, I was all smiles. Before she changed her mind, which she often did, we quickly jetted. On the way to Winston’s house, we packed the blue Ford Pinto with our girlfriends: Shantell, Carlease, Dana and Tina. We arrived at Winston’s house around 8:45 p.m., but this time, one of his friends opened the door.

  “Is Winston here?” I asked.

  “Yeah, come in,” his friend said, opening the door and tossing out compliments. “Daaaaamn, y’all look good.”

  We all laughed and I felt good in my brown halter dress and high-heeled wooden clogs that used to be Rita’s. Like often, my hair was in a sleek ponytail and my smile could be seen a mile away.

  I could see Winston in the kitchen on the phone and he appeared to be indulged with his caller. It betta not be no other girl he was talking to, I thought. But who was I trying to call the shots after one night of…he-barely-put-it-in-me sex?

  Winston spent about twenty minutes on the phone, and after he ended his call, he came into the living room where everyone was sitting.

  He nudged his head towards the stairs. “I don’t want everybody crowding up my parents’ living room, so we need to take this downstairs.”

  Everybody got up, heading for the basement. Winston stood at the top of the atrium, watching us go down one by one. Instantly, I noticed him checking out my friend Carlease. She was a cute petite girl with slightly bowlegs. Had a shapely body and a bubbly personality to go with it. What boy wouldn’t give her a second look? I thought.

  Since I was the last one down the steps, I figured Winston would stop me to ask if I wanted to continue what we started last night. He didn’t. Instead, I moseyed on down the steps just like everyone else did.

  The fellas had everybody cracking up as they told jokes, talking about each other’s mamas and blurting out other stomach-grabbing jokes. And even though the jokes kept me tuned in, I couldn’t keep my eyes off Winston. Seemed to me, though, as if he couldn’t keep his eyes off Carlease. My stomach turned; I’d thought about how he gave her the same looks he’d given me in History class. I didn’t make much of it and the night went on.

  Winston calmed the room by putting on some slow jams. My kind of guy, I thought, as he dimmed the lights. A few couples had gotten up to dance and I knew Winston would soon head my way. I went to the bathroom located in the far corner of the basement, just to make sure my attire was in order. My ponytail was slicked down to perfection, my make-up wasn’t overdone, and my dress worked my thick shapely figure. I had to be sure that I was looking good, because Winston didn’t seem to be giving me the attention I thought I truly deserved, or for that matter, had earned.

  When I left the bathroom, my eyes went straight to Winston. I was in disbelief. He was slow dancing with Carlease—very close. My stomach turned even more and I felt as if I wanted to throw up. Why was he dancing with her? I thought. Maybe he was looking for me and I was in the bathroom. Damn, he wouldn’t play me like that, would he?

  At least three or four slow jams played and Winston was still dancing with Carlease. By now, he was whispering in her ear and caressing her backside with his hands. I wanted to fuck him up, but instead, I sat in a chair with my legs crossed, pouting.

  The floor got crammed with people slow dancing, and as I focused my eyes from a distance, I saw Winston and Carlease kiss, and then go upstairs. He had the nerve to hold her by the hand and I
sat looking like the biggest fool ever. How could he diss me like this? Didn’t I mean anything to him? To top it off, Carlease knew I liked him. She didn’t know we were together last night, but she knew I had a major crush on Winston. I wanted to go upstairs and kick his ass for how he dissed me, but I didn’t want anyone to see my hurt. More than anything, I was humiliated! Many of the people there knew I was just with Winston last night. I felt so stupid. Bottom line…I got played! Big time!

  For the next hour or so, I continued to watch for Winston and Carlease. Eventually, I headed upstairs, and as soon as I reached the top stair, I could see that his bedroom door was closed. This was a gut-wrenching feeling! Somebody…anybody just get a gun and shoot me—please! I thought. Paying much more attention to me than I thought, Winston’s friend, Joe, took a seat next to me on the couch. He asked if I were okay, but I just rolled my eyes.

  “I thought you and Winston were supposed to be kickin’ it,” he said, adding insult to injury.

  I swallowed the huge lump in my burning throat, feeling pretty darn bad about what had happened. “I thought so, too, but I guess I was wrong about the way Winston felt about me.”

  Joe chuckled, while shaking his head. “If you don’t mind, let me give you some words of advice. Don’t fall for my boy ‘cause he ain’t nothin’ but a playa. When I say playa, I mean true P-L-A-Y-A. You don’t need that kind of boyfriend, do you?”

  I didn’t even respond, but he should have told me that before I let Winston get the goodies. I doubt that his words would have mattered either way, and even though I had walked away from Joe, it wasn’t his fault that I’d let myself get played.

  I did my best to keep my cool, but deep down, I was hurting. I had never known what it felt like to be dissed by a boy, and this was not a good feeling. I waited for Winston’s door to open, and when it finally did, he came out, closing the door behind him. Shirtless, he walked into the kitchen, and slapped high-five with one of his friends. They chuckled and not once did Winston look my way.