In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  “Uh, Ms. Hampton. Make this your last time coming here to renew your welfare assistance. You can do better.”

  I nodded. “I know and I will.”

  I walked out feeling a little better after my conversation with Ms. Johnson. How or why she felt I had potential, I didn’t know, but I needed to hear her words. I hadn’t thought about finding a job, but maybe it would help me cut back on all the shoplifting I’d been doing.

  As I turned the corner on my street, Dwayne’s car was parked outside. I rushed inside my apartment, only to find him looking a complete mess with dirty clothes on and hair all out of whack. His lips were chapped and he had the nerve to be taking money from our safe.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, pulling him away from the safe.

  He shoved me backwards on the bed. “I’m gettin’ my money, that’s what I’m doin’!”

  “Where have you been?” I attempted to snatch the money from his hands.

  “Look, I ain’t got time for no questions! I gotta go!”

  “No…no,” I shouted while grabbing his shirt and ripping it. “You owe me an explanation!”

  He shoved me on the bed again. I fell back and hit my head on the wall. “Bree, I don’t owe you shit!” He pointed his finger at me and spoke stern. “Now, get up again if you want to. Girl, I will break yo fuckin’ neck!”

  His fiery eyes said I’d better not move, so I didn’t. I heard the front door close, and then jumped off the bed to go after him. My big toe slammed right into the door and cracked. By the time I limped to the front door, he was gone. He had taken every dime we’d saved. The only thing I had was forty dollars in the drawer, and that was for the electric bill. It seemed so odd that every time I’d take two steps forward, I’d get pushed two…five steps back. No doubt, illegal money had no benefit and when the devil giveth, the Lord taketh away.

  I called Dwayne’s mother to tell her what had happened. If anybody could get through to him, it was her.

  “Dwayne has been here clowning as well. I know he’s doing drugs, but all I can do is pray for him. I’m going to pray for you, too, Brenda, and call me, again, if you need anything.”

  Her words stunned me because I didn’t think his habit was that bad. Drugs had really done him in, and without them, I knew he could have been a better person. I just didn’t realize that getting him to stop would be so difficult.

  My toe was in so much pain that I drove myself to the emergency room. The doctor gave me some painkillers and told me there was nothing he could do about a broken toe. Having no one to express my disappointments to, I finally called Jesse to tell her about my drama.

  “You need to get rid of Dwayne. I know he has some problems, but his issues are much bigger than you. Encourage him to get some help, and that’s pretty much all you can do.”

  “I will, but I haven’t heard from him. It’s so easy for everybody to tell me to move on, but y’all just don’t know all that we’ve been through. It’s been a lot.”

  “I get that, Brenda, but enough is enough, don’t you think?”

  I really wasn’t trying to hear what Jesse was saying, so I changed the subject. She did too and shared some news with me about her and Anthony. They were still dating, but she had fallen for an older man who she worked with at the post office named Ryan. She explained how her feelings for Anthony just weren’t the same.

  “I need to tell him how I’m feeling, don’t I? Maybe he’ll understand,” Jesse said.

  “I think you should tell him. If the love ain’t there anymore, what can you do? I know the feeling of being cheated on is awful, and you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Is that what you’re trying to do?”

  “Not at all. It’s just tough because I like Ryan a lot, but he’s married. It’s not like much is going to come of our relationship, even though him and his wife are supposed to be separated. On the other hand, Anthony is still my heart. We have so much fun when we’re together, but my time with Ryan is taking away from that. I’m in a fucked-up situation, and the last thing I want to do is break Anthony’s heart.”

  I felt Jesse’s pain, but I wasn’t one to give her advice because my relationship was more screwed up than anybody’s. However, I did suggest that she try and work things out with Anthony. In my book, he was still the best, and I thought I was the one who made bad choices about men, not Jesse. We ended our call, making plans to get together with Dedra and Charlene for the weekend.

  Chapter Eighteen

  That weekend, I met a man named Kenneth at The Maxx Nightclub we went to and provided him with my phone number. For whatever reason, I didn’t expect him to call, but when he did, we stayed on the phone for hours. He was a meat-cutter at Dierbergs around the corner from my place and was six years older than I was. Other than Dwayne, I hadn’t been intimate with anyone since Miles. I wasn’t sure if meeting someone new was the right move or not, but there I was, again, not wanting to be by myself and looking for someone to fill that void. It had been almost three weeks since I’d last heard from Dwayne. I made Kenneth aware of my situation and asked him if we could simply be friends. He agreed.

  Kenneth and I took things slow. I had lunch with him a few times and I invited him to my apartment for dinner. I bragged so much about my meatloaf, he was dying to taste it.

  On Saturday, I went through my normal routine of dropping off the twins at Mama’s house. Jesse had moved into her new apartment and Mama was excited to have the twins over because she was lonely. I kept her company for a while, and then headed home to start my dinner. As I was mashing the potatoes, the phone rang. I’d asked Kenneth to call when he was on his way, so I figured it was him.

  “Hello,” I said in a perky tone.

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  “Who is this?” I asked, knowing perfectly well that it was Dwayne.

  “What do you mean, who is this? There betta not be no other niggas callin’ there.”

  I ignored his comment. “Talk about what? What is it you want to talk about now? How you’ve been out there dirt-ball bad, or how you took all of our money? Better yet, let’s talk about how you’ve just disappeared and haven’t returned my phone calls in ages.”

  “Bree, it ain’t even like that. You’re right, I have been gettin’ high and that shit got me trippin’. As hard as I tried to stop doin’ drugs for you, I couldn’t. The urge just keeps hittin’ me and ain’t nothin’ I can do about it. I’ve been in rehab for the past several weeks, tryin’ to get help. They said I shouldn’t have any contact with the outside world and that’s what I’ve been doin’. Can I please come over and talk to you?”

  I hesitated and thought about canceling my plans with Kenneth. But I knew Dwayne was lying, something he’d gotten pretty darn good at. “Not right now, Dwayne. Maybe later. I have to take care of some business for my mother and won’t be back until later. I’ll call you when I get back.”

  “Why are you rushin’ me off the phone? I thought you’d be happy to hear from me.”

  “I’m not rushing you. It’s just so hard to stay on this phone with you and pretend that everything is okay and it’s not.”

  “I understand, but why did you get the locks changed? I came by one day and couldn’t get in.”

  “Do you have to ask? You will not come in here, again, and take nothing from me. I mean that.”

  “It’ll never happen again. Call me when you get finished with yo mother. I’m anxious to see you and the twins.”

  “Sure,” was all I could say.

  I couldn’t believe Dwayne. He thought that one simple phone call would resolve all of our problems. I guessed I’d shown him that coming back to me was easy, but I was determined…not this time, and not again.

  Kenneth was right on time. As I finished up dinner, he sat in the kitchen talking to me. He was very intelligent and it was pleasant to talk to someone who had positive things going on.

  “I’ve been working at Dierbergs for the past seven years. I love my job and I make pretty
decent money.”

  “That’s good. Everybody can’t keep a job for that long. I can’t even imagine myself working for the same company for seven years. I do home healthcare and I have several clients that I see throughout the day.”

  Yes, I lied. Didn’t want to admit to the man I was a professional booster. We continued to talk, and as I started to put our food on the table, there was a light knock at the door. My heart dropped to my stomach; I had a feeling who it was. Dwayne never respected what I said, and as I looked out the peephole, he stood outside with a white and blue sweat suit on. I pretended not to be at home, and slowly backed away from the door. I went back into the kitchen, telling Kenneth it was Dwayne.

  “Invite the man in and tell him we’re just having dinner. It ain’t no big deal and there is plenty of food for him to get his grub on too.”

  I scratched my head, thinking of what to do. “Uh, I don’t think that’s going to work.”

  “Why not?” Kenneth asked. Dwayne was now at the back door knocking and turning the doorknob. He banged harder and harder on the door, as if he knew I was inside. Getting no response, he went to the twins’ bedroom window and tried to slide it over, but weeks ago I’d put safety locks on them so no one could get in.

  Kenneth was getting irritated with me, and, again, asked me to open the door. I tried to come up with the most sensible thing to do, so I moved the vertical blinds aside and looked out at Dwayne banging on the front door again.

  “Dwayne, why are you here? I told you I had something to do.”

  He wiggled the doorknob. “Open the door, Bree. Quit trippin’ and open the door.”

  “Not now. I…I don’t understand why you’re here?”

  “I’m here because I want to be here.” He looked at Kenneth’s car parked on the street. “Do you have company?” I didn’t say anything. “Open the damn door!”

  Once I saw Dwayne’s face get tight, I hurried into the kitchen and asked Kenneth to leave out the back door. Before he could get out of the chair, there was a loud boom and the front door came crashing down. I jumped; Kenneth did, too, but he stood with his hands in his pockets. Dwayne walked into the kitchen with tightened fists, while biting down hard on his bottom lip.

  “Nigga, get yo ass out of my apartment!”

  Kenneth cleared his throat and spoke calmly. “Look, man, I don’t want any trouble. Brenda and I are just friends.”

  “She don’t cook dinner for nobody who’s just a damn friend, so exit yo ass out of here.” Kenneth grabbed his jacket from the chair, and I stood in front of the refrigerator hoping Dwayne wouldn’t do anything stupid.

  “I’ll talk to you later, Brenda.” Kenneth said, waiting for my response.

  Dwayne swiped his hand across the table, making the dishes and food I’d prepared hit the floor. “Nigga, are you ready to die? You got two seconds to get the fuck out of here!” I softly asked Kenneth to leave and he walked towards the door. My leg was bleeding because a shard of the glass plate had bounced off the floor and cut me. Dwayne gave me a hard stare, and as I bent down to pick up the pieces of glass, he bolted through the living room and out the front door. I rushed after him.

  Kenneth was walking down the sidewalk towards his car when Dwayne approached him. I ran up, standing between them.

  I touched Dwayne’s heaving chest, pleading with him. “He’s leaving. Just let him go and leave it alone. Please.”

  Kenneth smiled and spoke, “Baby, move out of the way. If the man wants to fight then—”

  Before Kenneth could finish his sentence, Dwayne slammed him in the mouth with his fist and drew blood. He then pushed me to the ground and they went at it. Kenneth had slid a fork up his sleeve while he was in the kitchen and stabbed Dwayne in the lip with it. Blood gushed down his chin, but it was obvious that he felt no pain. He was all over Kenneth, but he wasn’t giving up. His ear started bleeding, and I scurried into my apartment to call the police.

  The dispatcher said they’d send someone right over, and by the time I got back outside, Dwayne and Kenneth had fought their way across the street and there were plenty of spectators. Dwayne had got into my old green Horizon and tried to run Kenneth over. He dodged the car and it slammed into a big oak tree. The entire front of the car collapsed to the ground.

  Soon, police sirens rang out and they both fled. Kenneth got in his car and took off and Dwayne fled on foot. When the police arrived, they questioned me about the incident. I told them everything had cooled down, but when they asked me for names, I gave fake names so Kenneth or Dwayne wouldn’t get warrants.

  Since they were already outside, Dedra and Charlene came in to help me clean up. “Girl, that was some wild shit,” Charlene said. “Them niggas were throwing some straight-up blows.”

  “Weren’t they,” Dedra said. “I ain’t never seen two dudes go at it like that and that shit was like watching a heavyweight championship fight.”

  I was too disgusted to comment.

  Charlene and Dedra continued to rant about the fight. I felt bad for putting Kenneth in such a messed-up situation. And from that moment on, I knew that Dwayne would control my life and everyone around me. It was either him, or nobody. I felt trapped, and was so unsure about how much longer this was going to go on. That night, he called to make me feel guilty about my actions.

  “You really hurt me today,” he said. “I needed you and you lied to me. I’m tryin’ to get myself together, but I can’t without yo support. You’re the only positive thing I got goin’ for me, and if I don’t have you, I don’t know what I’m goin’ to do. I may as well just go somewhere and die.”

  Dwayne sounded pitiful. Was I that wrong for not reconciling with him? Maybe he did need me, and if I was supposed to love him like I said I did, then how could I turn my back on him?

  Well, turning my back on Dwayne should have come easy. The next day things took, yet another, turn for the worse. I had just gotten back from Dierbergs, trying to apologize to Kenneth for what had happened. He blew it off, saying that Dwayne wasn’t going to stop him from pursuing a relationship with me. Of course, I begged to differ. When I got home and put the key in the door, it was late. I had forgotten to turn on some lights when I left. I could barely see when I got inside. But soon thereafter, my eyes connected with another pair of eyes that stared at me in the dark. My heart raced fast and furious, as I thought I’d walked in on an intruder.

  “Where have you been, Brenda?” Dwayne asked with a calm, settle voice.

  I fumbled around with my keys, trying to avoid the question. As I reached out for the lights, I felt a powerful fist crack me on the side of my face, and another slammed into my mouth. I lost my balance, falling to the floor. Dizzy, and trying to cease the pain of my brain that felt rattled, I squeezed my eyes to fight back the pain. Seconds later, I blacked out. When I came to, Dwayne stood over me with ice wrapped in a towel. My face was stiff, and when I touched it, it felt numb. I could barely feel my hands on it.

  “Have you been out fuckin’?” he asked.

  I didn’t answer and continued to sit on the floor holding my face. “Alright, since you don’t want to tell me, I’ll find out myself.” He pulled up my skirt and reached for my panties. I struggled to get him to stop, but he was too strong. He felt my crotch, rubbing his hands on my insides to see if I was wet. “Nah, you ain’t been fuckin’, but who ya been with?”

  I was in major shock that he had punched me…no, punched the shit out of me. And having nothing to say, I ignored Dwayne as I walked in a daze to the bathroom. I closed the door and turned the light on so I could see myself in the mirror. My left eye was swollen and red as fire. I looked terrible, and as tears rolled over my high cheekbones, my eyes burned. My head ached so badly, I rubbed my temples, hoping the pain would go away.

  A few minutes later, Dwayne knocked on the door. “What you doin’ in there? Get out here so I can tell you somethin’.”

  I ignored him and leaned over the sink, trying to figure out how to handle this mess
ed-up situation. He kept banging on the door, and had threatened to kick it down. It didn’t matter to me because wood was still cracked on the front door from when he kicked it. The door barely locked, and if a burglar wanted to get in, he/she would have no problem doing so. In addition to that, my hallway had a big hole in the wall from when he got upset and punched it. The diamond-shaped glass tables in the living room had all been broken. I couldn’t forget about the bullet hole that was still in the wall, but according to him, destroying my property made it easy for him not to put his hands on me. Now, things had changed. The security and protection that I had looked to him for was gone. I now feared him, too, and felt sick to my stomach about all that had happened. I was ready to end it, and the only way Dwayne wouldn’t have control over me is if I was dead and in my grave. He was able to do whatever the hell he wanted to because my stupid-ass let him.

  And then, if I went out and he didn’t know where I was, it resulted in this. It didn’t make sense to me, and I hated myself for letting things go this far. Allowing my children to witness this ongoing drama was ridiculous. I promised myself that I would never walk in the same shoes as Mama, but those shoes were very similar. Dwayne was beyond anything that my daddy could ever be, but I was always forgiving like Mama was. I didn’t understand why she would always go back, but I did understand how difficult it was to let go of someone you genuinely cared for. I cared for Dwayne, more than I did myself. I felt sorry for him, and I knew that his habit had contributed to much of what was going on. Still, this was the last straw for me. I didn’t want him anymore, and I hated myself so much that I had no desire to live.

  I opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a razor blade. I looked at myself in the mirror, again, staring at the hopeless young woman in the mirror. Thick snot drizzled from my nose, and flowing salty tears ran over my swollen lip. It was time to die. I wanted out of this life that I had in no way known how to make better. I was a failure and the twins didn’t deserve to have a poor excuse of a mother like me. I rubbed the blade against a vein on my wrist and pressed. The way to do it was to slice it and do it fast. I tried, but I just kept pressing the blade against my wrist, hoping that it would be enough to put me out of my misery. Damn, I couldn’t do it! I opened the medicine cabinet, again, and looked for some pills. When I opened the bottle of Tylenol there were only five pills in there. This definitely wouldn’t be enough to put me away, I thought. Shit!