In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  Dwayne had calmed his voice, asking me to open the door. After I told him our troubles would soon be over, he figured I was contemplating killing myself. He laughed through the door.

  “I’ma leave my gun right outside this door, just so you can do it. You’re full of shit, Brenda, and you know damn well you ain’t gon’ kill yourself.”

  There was silence for a while, and then I heard the front door slam. I waited a while before leaving the bathroom, but when I did, I saw that he’d kept his promise. The gun was right there on the floor, so I could pick it up and use it. I picked it up, putting it in my dresser drawer. I took off my clothes, got in bed and did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I pulled out a new spiral notebook from my drawer and started to write. I called Dwayne every name in the book, and before I knew it, I had run out of pages to write on. Front and back, the pages were filled with hateful words I was ashamed to let anyone see: How in the hell did I ever get myself involved with this sorry-ass motherfucker! That bastard had the audacity to leave a gun so I could shoot my damn self. Is that love? How can he love me and treat me like this? Instead of killing myself, I should go kill his ass for messing up my face like this. It hurts so bad and I can barely see out of my eye. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why? I’m so stupid and Dwayne is only doing this shit because I keep letting him. How do I stop this? I want out of this relationship, but I don’t know how to stop this madness. Why am I with somebody that I hate so much? I hate what he’s done to me. My life ain’t been about shit with him, but it’s what I’m creating. I can’t blame him for all of this, but I wish that trifling-ass, low-life nigga would leave me alone before I kill him…

  The next day, Mama called and asked me to pick up some items for her at the grocery store, before I picked up the twins. My face had swelled up even more and my nearly shut eye was bloodshot red. I couldn’t tell Mama no, but before I went to her house, I stopped at Dierbergs to get her items and picked up a pair of dark sunglasses. I saw Kenneth stocking meat, and he looked at me with disgust, shaking his head. “Looks pretty painful, Brenda.”

  “It is painful and looks terrible, doesn’t it?”

  “Very.” He continued to put the meat in the freezer, seeming annoyed.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked.

  He paused and let out a deep sigh. “Damn, Ms. Lady, something is very wrong. You stand there like it ain’t no big fucking deal that this nigga did this to you. Is he locked up? Did you call the police on him or try to get a restraining order? No…I know you didn’t. You always trying to protect this fool. You need to be trying to protect yourself and your kids from that…that animal. I swear to you, as I stand here looking at your pretty face, I could just kill him!” Kenneth tightened his fist and shook his head from side to side. “If you want to talk, call me later, Brenda. I don’t have time to talk right now.” He kissed me on the cheek and went back to stocking the freezers.

  While in the car, I’d thought about what Kenneth had said. He couldn’t be more right, but I was afraid to go to the police. I disliked them and I didn’t trust them to do much. I considered myself a big fool and had paid the price many of times for being so. For whatever reason, I felt as if I had to protect Dwayne, and I didn’t want him to hate me for having him locked up. I knew that a restraining order would make him even angrier, and for now, I just had to deal with it in my own way.

  When I arrived at Mama’s house, the twins were outside playing, while Mama was sitting on the porch watching them. I got out of the car and they ran up to give me a hug.

  “Tell your grandma y’all will see her next week, and then go get in the car,” I said.

  The twins did what they were told, and after giving Mama a squeezing hug, they got in the car. I kept my distance, because I didn’t want Mama to question me about the sunglasses. “Thanks, Mama,” I said. “I need to get going, because a friend of mine asked me to pick her up from work.”

  “Your friend can wait,” Mama said. “Come in the house for a minute. I need to show you something.”

  Mama opened the screen door to go inside. I sighed and went inside after her. While near the door, she turned around and squinted as she got a closer look at me.

  “What happened to your face?” she asked with her hand on her hip.

  I shrugged and dropped my head to look down at the floor. “I fell yesterday, when I got out of the car.”

  Mama stepped forward and lifted my chin. I snatched my head away from her. “What did you have to show me, because I gotta go, Mama. I’ll call you later.”

  I inched towards the door, but she grabbed my arm and squeezed it. “I don’t have to remove those sunglasses to see what’s behind them, but you listen to me and listen to me good. What you do with your life is your business, but if you ever bring that no-good-ass nigga near me again, I’m gon’ dig a six-foot grave for him in my backyard and bury him myself. And if anything!” she shouted. “Anything ever happens to my grandbabies, I’m gon’ have a spot for you right next to him! Leave that nigga alone, Brenda, and I hope like hell that his face looks as bad as yours.”

  I pulled my arm away from Mama, continuing with my lie, as a tear slipped from my eye. I hurried to smack it away. “He didn’t—”

  “Yes, he did!” Mama screamed. “I’m not a damn fool, girl! Wake your ass up, before it’s too late! You get one life and you sure as hell don’t need to be spending it with a fool like that! Now, goodbye, Brenda. Go see about my grandkids and call me later.”

  I swallowed hard and hurried to leave. I was so embarrassed that Mama had seen my face like this, and I knew she was worried about me and the twins. The look in her eyes implied that she meant every word she’d said. I rarely brought Dwayne around her to begin with, and he was never allowed inside of her house. She despised him that much, and she had never forgotten what had gone down at her mother’s wake. It was already a sad day that had gone from bad to worse. As I drove home with the twins, I thought about it.

  Mama was devastated by the loss of her mother, and as she hovered over her pearly-white casket in tears, Jesse, Rita and I stood full of emotions beside her. Reliable Funeral Home was filled to capacity with friends and family who came to pay their respects.

  “Maaamuuuu,” Mama cried out in pain. “What in the world am I going to do without my mamuuu?”

  Mama was shaking so badly, and as her legs weakened, we helped her back to her seat. As I sat next to her, that’s when I heard a loud voice, yelling my name. Nearly everyone turned their heads, and right at the double doors stood Dwayne in a muscle shirt and jeans. His face was twisted and his eyes were narrowed. I suspected he was high. As he charged down the aisle, my uncle, Tea Biscuit, jumped up to stop him.

  “Have some respect for the dead, nigga!” Tea Biscuit said. “Whatever problem you have with her, take that shit outside!”

  The look in Dwayne’s eyes implied that I needed to move quickly, so I did. I knew he was about to go at it with my uncle and I couldn’t let that happen. I rushed out of my seat, already knowing what Mama was probably thinking inside. Embarrassed as ever, I made my way up to Dwayne and asked him to follow me outside. He did, and we stood outside of my grandmother’s wake, arguing like doggone fools.

  “I checked yo damn messages and I heard some nigga askin’ if he could stop by. I went by your apartment to make sure his ass wasn’t there, and when I kicked in the door, you lucky nobody was there! But who the fuck was he, Brenda?”

  I shook my head with disgust. See, it was perfectly fine for Dwayne to see whoever he wanted to, but not me. Yeah, I had been conversing with a few people, but the conversations were limited because I didn’t want to involve anyone in me and Dwayne’s mess.

  “Can we please talk about this later?” I asked, as Mama and three of her brothers came outside. Her hard stare had broken me down, and, yet again, I felt like her lousy-ass daughter who just couldn’t get it together.

  “Brenda!” Mama yelled. “You and Dwayne got one minute to clear
these premises, and if not, all hell is going to break loose!”

  I pleaded with Dwayne, as I knew my uncles were ready to take action and cause some damage. So was Mama. Wrong place, wrong time. “Please go,” I said to Dwayne. “We can work this out later. I promise you that I haven’t been involved with anyone.”

  My calm voice helped ease the situation, but as I watched Dwayne walk to his car, I couldn’t believe that he was driving a vehicle that belonged to his so-called ex-girlfriend. Yes, this was pretty darn bad, and after I apologized to Mama and her brothers, I left my grandmother’s wake. Went home, and sure enough, the door had been kicked open. This was one big mess, and I didn’t want to keep on disappointing and worrying Mama. I didn’t see Dwayne for almost two weeks after that, but like always, we settled our differences when he called Mama and apologized. To no surprise, she hung up.

  I wrapped up my thoughts about that day, ready to face another. As soon as I turned the corner, I could see Dwayne sitting in his car outside my apartment. I wanted to turn around and drive away but he had already spotted me. When I got out of my car, I walked right by him and went inside. The twins rushed up to him, and like always, seemed happy to see him. He played with them for a while, and then came into the kitchen where I was.

  “Here you go,” he said, dangling long-stem red roses in my face. “These are just a little somethin’ to let you know how sorry I am for hittin’ you. Baby, I don’t know what got into me, but you made me so upset with you. I just knew you had been seein’ that nigga, but I can’t prove it right now. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.”

  His words went in one ear and out the other. I didn’t owe him an explanation at all. I took the bouquet of roses from his hand and removed my sunglasses so he could get a good look at what he’d done to me. He lifted his hand, and fearing that he would hit me, again, I jerked my head back.

  “I’m not gon’ hurt you. All I want to do is touch it,” he said, softly touching my face.

  I moved his hand away, and thought about Mama’s wish of his face looking like mine. I raised my hand and started to beat the shit out of him with the roses and my tightened fist. He crouched down, covering his face as I pounded his head, back and shoulders. The stems where long enough that they made a whipping sound with each strike. It was nothing like what he’d done to me, and by the time I was finished, not one red petal or leaf was left on the stems.

  “Alright Brenda…alright! Damn! I know I deserved that but stop, shit!”

  “Get out! Please, get the hell out!” I yelled.

  Dwayne stared me in the eyes and started to cry. “Sorry, Bree, I just can’t do that. You gotta hear me out, just this last time. Please.” I stood with my arms folded, having no sympathy for him whatsoever.

  He could barely catch his breath as he spoke. “Please don’t end this. All I can say is…I didn’t mean to hurt you like that, but somethin’ inside of me took over. I’ll never do anything like that again.”

  He broke down on me; sat in the chair crouched over while grabbing his stomach. His performance was pretty damn good—the best one I had seen thus far. I put my hands together, and since I’d taken a seat to listen to him, I stood to give him a standing ovation.

  “I…I am not your woman anymore, and the way you’ve been out here cheating, I haven’t been your woman for quite some time. We can’t continue on like this, Dwayne. One of us is going to get seriously hurt. I don’t care if you beat the living daylights out of me to stay with you, I’m not. It’s time that we both go our separate ways and maybe you will feel so much better without me.”

  Dwayne continued to sob and I couldn’t believe when he brought out another diamond ring from his pocket. “I can’t just let you go like that, Bree. I got years invested in this relationship and so do you. Ain’t nothing we haven’t been able to get through and we were destined to be together. Why you wanna give up on us now? If I lose you, some other people will have to lose out too. First, I’m gon’ start with Jesse’s boyfriend Anthony. If you can’t find it in your heart to work things out with me, I’m gon’ tell Anthony about Jesse’s new man.” Months ago, my big mouth had told Dwayne about Jesse messing with Ryan. Not in a million years did I think he would use it against me.

  “It would be very stupid on your part to do that. Anthony won’t believe you anyway,” I said.

  “Yes he will. He’ll definitely believe me when I play this tape for him. I’ve taped all of your conversations on the phone, and I have a conversation of Jesse talkin’ about her new man.”

  Dwayne was such a liar, but it would be right up his alley to do something so sneaky. You could easily tape a conversation on my phone, so it was very possible. Whatever he decided to do, I stuck with my decision and told him there would be no reconciliation. He left, feeling good about his blackmail, and I was glad to see him go.

  The apartment was a mess, so I spent the entire day cleaning up. I called Jesse to warn her about Dwayne’s threat, but she told me she wasn’t worried about it. She said that she’d already talked to Anthony about chilling out for a while because her job was stressing her. According to her, they were still boyfriend and girlfriend, but weren’t spending as much time together as before. Her sugar-daddy was at her place, so she cut our conversation short.

  I was worn out from cleaning up all day. And after the twins and I watched a movie, I fell across one of their beds and dozed off. A few hours later, there was a knock at the door. I peeked out the window and saw it was Anthony. I looked for my sunglasses, putting them on so he wouldn’t see my black eye. “Hey stranger,” I said, opening the door. “What brings you by?”

  Anthony had a frown on his face and could barely look at me. “I don’t know what’s going on, Brenda. I got a visit from your man today.”

  “From who?” I played clueless.

  “From Dwayne. He told me some disturbing news and played a tape of you and Jesse talking.”

  I pursed my lips. “He did what?”

  “During y’all conversation, she said that she was messing around with somebody else.”

  “Anthony, I don’t know what’s going on. Dwayne be lying and playing games so I wouldn’t trust anything he says.”

  Anthony paced the living room. “But…Brenda, it was her voice on the tape. She was the one saying that her and this man was spending all kinds of time together and that she didn’t have feelings for me like she used to.” Anthony sat on the couch in tears. He put his hands over his face, doing his best to contain his emotions. “Why would she do this to me? I love the shit out of your sister. I made her just for me, not for somebody else. This shit hurts,” he said touching his chest, very choked up. “Hurts so bad, I could just hurt somebody.” I understood exactly what Anthony was going through. It was a bad-ass feeling when somebody you cared about so much was cheating on you. I couldn’t offer him any advice or give him an explanation; after all, Jesse was my sister and I would never betray her.

  By the time Anthony left, he had me in tears. I called Jesse to tell her about his visit but she really didn’t say much. Anthony was a damn good man, and why Jesse let that one slip through her fingers, I would never, ever understand.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Several weeks had passed and Dwayne and I hadn’t talked. My life was so peaceful and I chose to leave things as they were. Shantell was now living with me. She and her four kids had been kicked out of her Section 8 apartment and had no place to go. When I returned from the twins’ school one day, she told me that a friend of her cousin wanted to talk to me. I took the phone and the young woman on the other end confirmed that she had been in an on-again, off-again relationship with Dwayne for almost a year.

  “He’s been living over here with me for a while. I just want to make sure the two of you aren’t still seeing each other anymore, and this thing between y’all is really over.”

  “I assure you, it’s a wrap,” I said, handing the phone back to Shantell.

  I was so done with arguing with fem
ales over Dwayne. It seemed like every time I attempted to put our relationship to rest, some bullshit would come up. I guess the chick thought I was going to stay on the phone and argue with her, but that would have been a waste of time. We both knew Dwayne was no good. What sense did it make to argue over a man who just couldn’t seem to settle down with one woman?

  That night, I lay in my bed listening to the Quiet Storm on the radio. Sam Cooke’s, “A Change Is Gonna Come” was playing, and it was reaching deep into my soul. I could feel a change coming and I wanted it so badly. The taste was so, so sweet and I smiled from the thoughts of my life getting better. Luther Vandross, Whitney Houston and Babyface started throwing down on the Quiet Storm and listeners called the radio station with special dedications. Out of the blue, a dedication to Dwayne Montgomery came across the radio. It was a White girl dedicating “Whip Appeal” to him, and according to her, he definitely had it. I dropped my head with disgust. I snatched the plug out of the wall, shaking my head because the devil was certainly busy. So busy, that the next day Shantell came into my apartment from a party with my grade-school crush, Darrell. Darrell was the one I’d written about as being my future husband, but after he screwed Shantell in my bedroom, so much for that. I started to reevaluate some of the people I called friends, and two days later, Shantell moved out.

  I opened the mail and found brochures my caseworker had sent for the Future’s Program. She had sent me some literature in the past, but I had thrown it away. I called the number inside one of the booklets, and after making my appointment, I was scheduled for testing in two weeks.