Nothing is Forever

by Grace Thompson

  ‘Why didn’t you phone? As it happens I was free today apart from one errand and I could have driven you.’

  ‘Why should I bother you?’

  Speaking quietly but with an edge of irritation, he said, ‘I can’t understand you behaving like this.’

  ‘Can’t you?’

  ‘Ruth, this is childish, are you sulking because Tabs was upset and I was comforting her?’

  ‘She was your errand today too.’

  ‘Yes, she was.’

  ‘She can’t be trusted. And as for that Jack, who knows who he is? She invited him into my house at night, remember? I don’t know anything about him and very little about Tabs.’

  ‘I’m sorry I asked you to go away and come back in an hour. That was very rude. But Tabs seemed on the point of talking about something and I didn’t want to discourage her. If I’d been given the chance I’d have explained,’ he added pointedly.

  ‘I’m tired,’ she said petulantly, and he stood to leave.

  ‘Please, Ruth, don’t tell Tabs to leave. She’ll go back to her father and stepmother who will ruin everything you and I have achieved. I have her word she won’t do anything dishonest again. It was the fascination of this man, the first time a man has shown any interest in her. It was such a thrill and she just wanted to please him, couldn’t face losing him. In some ways Tabs is still a child.’

  ‘Money was missing from my collections on three occasions. I didn’t say anything before, I was hoping against foolish hope that I was wrong.’

  ‘What? That wouldn’t have been Tabs! She wouldn’t have stolen from you!’

  ‘Then who? My brothers?’

  ‘It can’t have been Tabs. Besotted with this man she might be, but there’s a limit to what she’d do to please him. If she does see Jack again he won’t be able to persuade her to do anything as stupid. I pointed out that a gaol sentence could have been the outcome if I’d phoned the police that day and she knows that next time I will.’

  ‘Will you?’ She looked doubtful.

  ‘I don’t think she’ll be employed by me for much longer so, hopefully, I might not have to make that decision.’ Irritatingly he didn’t tell her any more but quickly changed the subject.

  ‘Whatever she’s done, please don’t tell her to leave here. You’ve helped her so much. Don’t waste it.’ He bent towards her as though to kiss her but instead he just patted her shoulder and she went out.

  She closed her eyes but not out of tiredness. She wanted to hide away, like an ostrich burying its head in the sand. She closed her eyes, screwed them up and wondered how she could ever put things right. She knew she had been childish and utterly stupid.

  Tabs came in and nervously asked whether she had to leave.

  Ruth’s voice was harsh as she asked, ‘Where will you go?’

  ‘Back to Dad and Martha, I suppose. At least she’ll be pleased.’

  ‘You can stay, Tabs, but remember that this is my home and I have a say on what happens here and who comes in. Didn’t you realize that you were risking having a criminal record? Jack obviously doesn’t think very highly of you if he can put you in such a position. Forget him, Tabs. There are plenty of really decent young men out there, men who would appreciate all the good things you have to offer.’

  Tabs wanted to argue, defend Jack, but she was afraid to say anything apart from ‘Thank you’. From Ruth’s expression she was likely to change her mind, and living here under sufferance was better than living at home with Martha.

  Uneasy at the thought of Tabs’s dishonesty and thinking about the missing money, Ruth decided to give up her job. Having money in the house might be one temptation too many. Despite Henry’s trusting belief in her, it must have been Tabs or Jack who had taken the money from her collections.

  She didn’t want to start another argument with Henry, so she told him she was too busy to continue working. He didn’t comment but waited for her to explain. ‘Mr Burrows was disappointed but he’s accepted my resignation with a month’s notice. I’ll finish at the end of the year.’

  1955 would start with everything changed. She shivered nervously as she wondered whether her new beginning would include Henry, and what she would do if it did not.

  Henry said very little, but thought the coincidence was surprising. He too had decided to change his life around and, like Ruth, he hadn’t quite made up his mind where the next steps would take him, although an idea kept re-occurring.

  Meeting Tommy and Toni’s baby that evening took Ruth’s mind off Henry and Tabs and her own idiotic behaviour. Tommy came in carrying little Samuel with Toni hovering close by. They were followed by Brenda, carrying a basket with all the myriad needs for a baby’s brief visit. A space was cleared for the wicker cot, carried by Bryn, and the baby was ensconced on his new blankets to be admired.

  A lot of teasing went on with Bryn reminding Tommy that he and Toni only had the limelight until March when his child would be born.

  ‘Close enough in age to be friends,’ Tommy said happily.

  Toni had brought some of the cards they had received, including ones from Emrys and Susan, and from Geraint, with a separate one from his estranged wife, Hazel. After they had gone, a sadness overcame Ruth. Even with the new guests and Tabs still there, the place seemed empty after the lively visit. The house had always been so full of people: chattering, demanding food, creating laughter from everything.

  She called to see Henry the following morning but when he invited her out for the day the following Sunday she refused, explaining rather weakly that Bryn and Brenda, Tommy and Toni might be coming. ‘Glad of a meal made ready for her Toni will be. Having a baby to care for must be so exhausting,’ she had said.

  ‘You’ve invited them?’ he had asked, and when she had shaken her head he had complained and they had argued.

  She was standing outside as she said, ‘I’ll always welcome my family, but I am tolerating Tabs to please you, remember!’

  ‘Ruth, you do nothing to please me, in fact, I wonder what you’re doing here.’

  ‘In that case I’ll leave!’ She ran along the street, not aware of the lady approaching from the corner.

  Rachel, Henry’s mother, was approaching Henry’s shop when she stopped. Henry was outside talking to Ruth and, from their demeanour they were not happy. Ruth was exaggeratedly upright, looking slightly away from Henry. He was looking down at her, saying something Rachel couldn’t hear and Ruth was shaking her head. Then Henry gave a brief nod and disappeared through the shop doorway. Ruth turned and walked swiftly away. With a sigh, Rachel wished it was Henry who was walking away. There seemed little chance of a happy ending for them. She called and waved and he came towards her, smiling a smile that failed to reach his eyes.

  ‘Hello, Mum, what are you doing around here? Coming to see me?’

  ‘I had to call on someone the other side of the park so I thought I’d come and have a cup of tea.’

  He led her to the shop and called to Tabs. ‘I’m off to the café, Tabs. I’ll be about half an hour.’

  When they were sitting in the café with tea and toasted teacakes in front of them, Rachel said,’ Henry, dear, why don’t you have a holiday?’

  ‘In November?’

  ‘Why not? It’s a change of scenery you need, not a warm sea to paddle in! You’d benefit from a few days away from the shop and the phone calls and the rest of it. Weather is secondary to all that.’

  ‘What about the shop?’

  ‘Couldn’t Tabs do the extra hours?’

  He hesitated a moment then said, ‘Mum, Tabs has been stealing.’

  ‘Then why is she still there? Didn’t you call the police?’

  ‘No. It was someone she loves desperately who persuaded her. I frightened her with visions of prison and I doubt if she’ll be so stupid again.’

  ‘Loving someone isn’t an excuse for becoming a criminal, dear!’

  He gave a twisted smile. ‘I wish someone loved me half as much.’

&n
bsp; ‘Ruth, you mean?’

  He nodded sadly.

  ‘Ruth loves you but her previous love keeps getting in the way.’

  ‘That’s too deep for me, Mum. What previous love? D’you mean her brothers?’

  ‘Not exactly. She can’t let go of the role she’s played for so many years, the role of parent, housekeeper and all round good egg.’ She said it lightly, watching his face to see whether she dare say more. Then she went on, ‘She’s seen the twins through from scraped knees and droopy socks, to handsome bridegrooms and proud fathers. They were only twelve when their parents died, remember. She coped with them through playground fights, stroppy, argumentative schoolboys, and through the difficult growing-up-and-knowing-it-all years and through the agonies of unrequited love. She did a wonderful job, but she can’t see that her work is done, that it’s time to let go.’

  Henry declined to answer, instead he said, ‘Tabs’s love is very strong, even though it was misguided enough to lead her to behave stupidly. Jack is the first one and he came when she had given up hope of love and marriage.’

  ‘And she was persuaded to steal for him?’

  ‘She was desperate to please him, afraid of losing him, poor girl.’

  ‘Ah, that’s a different kind of love again. Poor Tabs hasn’t had a very happy time, has she?’

  ‘Her father used her to make his life more comfortable and then she meets a man who talks about love, and she’d do anything to prevent him leaving her. Anything.’

  ‘He’s using her too, but she can’t see that. All she can see is the emptiness she’ll return to if he goes, so hers is a desperate love.’ Before he could comment she added, ‘A sad parody of love. It’s up to you to make Ruth see what real love is; equal, happy, fulfilling love, or, my dear, you must walk away.’

  The coffee and the teacakes were cold, the butter congealed and they pushed them away. Henry went to pay for the uneaten snack and she waved and went out. She didn’t want any further talk to take what she had said away from the front of his mind.

  He went back to the shop but it was closed for lunch. Tabs had left a list of messages and people he needed to contact. He was glad to be alone; his mother’s comments wouldn’t leave his mind. He left a note for Tabs and drove to one of the lonely, rarely found beaches on Gower. There he sat in the car and tried to concentrate on where his next move should be. It was cold and drizzle covered the windows so he couldn’t see ahead of him and that, he decided, exactly suits my present mood! He saw the woman with the dog, walking towards the beach but didn’t call. He enjoyed her company and would have been glad to lose his worries for a while in pleasant conversation, but decided not to inflict his company on her while he was in such a morose mood. He sat for a long time before driving away.

  Tabs was in the park, oblivious to the biting wind of that November day. There was no sign of Jack. She spent most lunchtimes sitting on ‘their’ bench and watching the path in the hope of him appearing. Her feelings were confused. She longed to see him again, to feel his arms around her, to lose herself in his kisses, but the remembered sensations were tinged with guilt: she had been persuaded to steal from Henry and Ruth who had both been so kind to her.

  Yet she still couldn’t really blame Jack. Guilt for her own share of the criminal acts was a continuous ache. She had been so easily persuaded that there must be something bad at the core of her being. Perhaps her father had been right to keep her from leaving home, perhaps he knew how evil she really was and had been protecting her. Her self esteem dropped lower than it had ever been and she wished she could run away, and never ever come back. How could she continue to face people, decent people, after what she had done?

  When Ruth went to Tommy and Toni’s flat with the excuse of taking them a cake and some pasties, Tommy was at home and Bryn was with him. Toni nodded a greeting of sorts but made no effort to appear welcoming. I suppose I’ll just have to get used to it, Ruth thought, forcing a smile for her sullen sister-in-law.

  ‘Finished early,’ Tommy explained. ‘Working in the park we are, and one job was done and we didn’t want to start another. What you got there, Sis? Starving I am.’ When they were sitting down, having unpacked the food, Tommy said, ‘We saw that bloke today, the one Tabs sees now and again. Jack something or other.’

  ‘Tabs will be pleased he’s back,’ Ruth said with a frown, ‘but I’m not! She told me he was working somewhere far away. Where was he?’

  ‘Up at Johnson’s farm looking for work. Didn’t get any, mind. There’s a hedge wants digging out and some ditches cleared, but he wasn’t very keen. He doesn’t look the type for heavy work.’

  ‘Too idle for any honest work if you ask me,’ Bryn muttered.

  While she was at Tommy and Toni’s flat, Megan and Mali called with little Mickie. After hearing that the flat they had moved to was not ideal, that the other tenants were still complaining about the child, insisting he was noisy, Ruth left them to their baby talk and went home, relieved to get away. As usual, Toni had remained edgy, making it clear she wasn’t welcome to stay any longer.

  That evening she told Tabs that her brothers had seen Jack. Later that evening, covered by a pretence of posting a letter, Tabs went out. She had to find him, talk about things, make sure he understood that she wouldn’t help him steal ever again. Her heart was racing. Would he walk away from her? That would prove he had been using her and the loving was nothing more than convenience. Deep down she knew that was the case but the flicker of hope stubbornly remained.

  She walked around the places where they had spent some time but there was no sign of him. As she walked she rehearsed what she would say although she knew without doubt that when she saw him every carefully planned word would vanish from her mind.

  While Tabs was out on her futile search, Ruth told Abigail and Gloria about her new nephew, boasting about him, and she told Abigail how well Toni and Tommy were coping. To her alarm she suddenly noticed that Abigail was quietly crying. Tears ran down her cheeks and her mother handed her a handkerchief to wipe her face.

  ‘What is it? Are you ill?’ Assured she was not, by a concerned Gloria, Ruth asked, ‘Have I said something to upset you? I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s all right, Ruth, I’ll just get her up to bed.’

  ‘Can I do something?’

  ‘No one can,’ Abigail said tearfully. ‘I had a baby you see, and talking about your baby Samuel, and Mickie, memories suddenly overwhelmed me.’

  ‘A baby? What happened?’

  ‘He died. I was obviously not a suitable mother and I lost him.’

  Ruth glanced at Abigail’s hand although she knew full well there was no wedding ring there. Seeing the automatic gesture, Abigail said. ‘We weren’t married but we love each other and one day we’ll be together and then we’ll have other children and maybe the pain will ease.’

  ‘Of course,’ Ruth said. ‘Your husband-to-be, he lives a long way off? He’d have been here when you were in hospital if he’d been able, wouldn’t he?’

  ‘He came as soon as he could.’ There was hesitation and a slight alarm in the young woman’s eyes and at that moment Ruth suspected that the man who had fathered the child was Jack. She hurried out of the room apologizing for asking too many questions and filled the kettle noisily and rattled the tea cups and banged cupboard doors, singing to herself, hoping Abigail hadn’t see the expression of horror that must have shown on her face at the thought of Tabs, poor silly Tabitha, being fooled by Jack. Tabs, who at this moment was probably day-dreaming about him, a man for whom she was prepared to steal from friends, a man who was a cheat of the worst possible kind.

  Tabs came in, made an excuse about reading in bed and went up. Ruth went into the kitchen to prepare the breakfast table without another word. If only Henry were here. She needed to talk about this but there was no one else she could tell. Suddenly she felt irrational fear, she was alone with only Tabs and two strangers for company and her footsteps echoed as she walked across the kitchen
floor. She was a stranger and no longer belonged in the hollow-sounding house.

  She took her tea and went to bed to read her library book, hurrying up the stairs as though ghosts were chasing her. The house wasn’t her own any more and she wanted it back, just as it used to be, a place loved by the family. Somewhere safe and friendly, not this place filled with other people’s problems making her walk a tightrope of caution every time she opened her mouth.

  There was a light under Tabs’s door and unreasonably, she blamed Henry for the change in the atmosphere. Why had he persuaded her to let Tabs stay after he’d caught her stealing from him? Why hadn’t he called the police? Being completely alone couldn’t be worse than this.

  The next day, Ruth was writing her weekly letters to Geraint and Hazel in London, and to Emrys and Susan in Bridgend, describing her nephew with fulsome praise. She usually began the letters at the weekend then waited until Wednesday, when she received theirs, before finishing off and posting them. That way the day-to-day news filled the pages and the replies to their questions and comments were quickly added. So when the post fell onto the mat she went to pick them up, expecting the usual accounts of their week. In Geraint’s letter was a request to phone him that evening at nine, a very unusual request; they normally communicated by letter.

  Armed with a handful of small coins, she went to the telephone box on the corner. It was very cold and she shivered as she ran towards the lighted box. The night was dark and she wished she had remembered to pick up a torch. She rang the number and Geraint answered at once.

  ‘Geraint? Is anything wrong?’ she asked.

  ‘Wrong? Not really, but can I come and stay for a few days?’

  ‘Of course you can, silly. It’s your home, isn’t it?’

  ‘That’s what I want to talk about.’ Before she could add further assurances, he went on, ‘Look, Ruth, I can’t talk now, but I’ll see you on Friday. All right?’

  She came away from the phone box wearing a frown. Something was wrong, something he couldn’t talk about over the phone. She went through all the possibilities. A re-think about the divorce? Confession about an affair? News that he was seriously ill? Then she wondered whether he was about to ask if he could come back home permanently. The frown left her face, her heart raced with joyful excitement and the night became less dark. Friday seemed a long way off.