I Am a Conservative

by Kurt Schlichter

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  I am a Conservative: The truly mentally ill deserve our help but are betrayed by the liberal "rights" industry. Most bums are just bums.

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  I am a Conservative: Try personal responsibility, liberals. I know it's scary, but it works. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I support free health care for all those who pay for it themselves.

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  I am a Conservative: Nothing makes me smile like a stupid, lazy person, miserable because of his dumb actions. #Learning

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  I am a Conservative: Poor old people should work to support themselves. Yeah, I went there — no free ride for those who didn’t save.

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  I am a Conservative: That sound you hear is me not #Caring that your bad decisions have made you miserable.

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  I am a Conservative: I'll help out the stupid and lazy...with some free advice. Don't be stupid and lazy. Now get out.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals can pay their own money to give food to people who won't earn their own. Mine’s going to beer, cars, and whatever the hell else I chose to spend it on.

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  I am a Conservative: People complain that without Social Security, they'll have to spend their savings. Uh, what are savings for but to support yourself?

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  I am a Conservative: My response to every deadbeat with a palm out and a problem is "You're a grown man/woman — figure it out." #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: You are entitled to nothing. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Want to completely wreak society? Start buying excuses that lead to you giving people who screwed-up money.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm sick, but that's not your problem and you shouldn’t have to pay for it.

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  I am a Conservative: I wish my beloved California was not so dead set on becoming America's cautionary example.

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  I am a Conservative: Maybe you'd be better off emulating the "rich" instead of envying them.

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  I am a Conservative: It's not a "tax cut"- It's a "taking-my-money-largely-to-give-to-those-who-don't-work-as-hard-as-me cut."

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  I am a Conservative: The cure for "poverty" is for people to stop doing the things that make them poor.

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  I am a Conservative: Insurance companies should discriminate against people who do not buy coverage until they are sick. Duh.

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  I am a Conservative: Life is like a box of chocolates, except liberals think we should work to provide them with the chocolates.

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  I am a Conservative: You can call me "mean" or "uncaring," but it’s your liberal plan that guarantees people live as serfs.

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  I am a Conservative: About 85% of the time, "less fortunate" is liberal code for lazy, stupid, and/or criminal.

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  I am a Conservative: "If it feels good, do it" is a great idea; "Accept the consequences of your bad choices" is even better.

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  I am a Conservative: You are "entitled" to nothing except what you earned and own.

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  I am a Conservative: Try as it might, the government can never redistribute or hand out dignity to those it supports.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm not against giving freeloaders money solely because I want to keep it for myself; I just dislike freeloading chiselers.

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  I am a Conservative: Society needs to start responding to entitlement whining with, "How is that anyone's problem but yours?"

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  I am a Conservative: Dissing self-reliance correlates with fascist/liberal notions.

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  I am a Conservative: A liberal is someone who thinks you're selfish for not giving him your money.

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  I am a Conservative: When chiselers, deadbeats, losers, and parasites whine about budget cuts, an angel gets his wings.

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  I am a Conservative: Here's my health care reform plan — pay for your own damn health care. Done.

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  I am a Conservative: We need to unleash the miraculous power of shame, hunger, and cold to incentivize our deadbeats.

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  I am a Conservative: If you have a problem, I'm willing to bet that it is largely your own fault. Not always, but I'd put money on it.

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  I am a Conservative: You are entitled to nothing and can have as much of it as you want

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  I am a Conservative: Bad things should happen to stupid people.

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  I am a Conservative: Good news for all the people whining about social services cuts.... In-N-Out had a "Help Wanted" sign.

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  I am a Conservative: My ideal 2012 candidate would say, "Your kids are hungry because you're a lazy slob. Support your family, loser."

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  I am a Conservative: Why does your failure to prepare for retirement somehow obligate me to subsidize your retirement?

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  I am a Conservative: Birth control starts with not screwing. So, Planned Parenthood funding is really just a screwing subsidy. Screw that.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't want to ameliorate the negative consequences experienced by stupid/lazy/greedy deadbeats. I want to enhance them.

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  I am a Conservative: Love means the government never having to say, "Here's free money provided by people who, unlike you, are productive."

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  I am a Conservative: I support single payer health care. Every single person should be the single payer for his own healthcare.

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  I am a Conservative: I like the rich better than the deadbeat. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Let's start by means-testing Social Security and Medicare. And then end all welfare.

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  I am a Conservative: The most effective safety net is one that lets you be hungry and cold if you don't work.

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  I am a Conservative: If excuses for being a deadbeat were food, liberals would never go hungry.

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  I am a Conservative: Those receiving government handouts should first be required to don a T-shirt reading, "I am a loser who sponges off others." #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Consequences are like post-it notes on your life reminding you not to be stupid.

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  I am a Conservative: I strongly support letting deadbeats shelter themselves under excuses and eat sob stories.

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  I am a Conservative: If you want to live like an animal, fine. But I'm not paying for it.

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  I am a Conservative: Can't feed your family? Maybe you ought to stop breeding. Just a thought.

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  I am a Conservative: True liberals will give you everything except dignity. True Conservatives will give you nothing else.

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  I am a Conservative: One with dignity does not beg others for what he should be earning himself

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  I am a Conservative: Judge Smails in "Caddyshack" was right all along. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Replacing food stamps with a system of Community Gruel Pots is a win-win — lazy, indolent people don't die but they are miserable. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: My response to all of your lame excuses for why you need my money is, "How is that my problem?”

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  I am a Conservative: You wouldn't think about being hungry so much if you focused on working. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: If college is that important to you, I'm confident you'll find a way to pay for it without using my money.

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  I am a Conservative: I know that supporting yourself is hard — that's why I don't want to do it for you.

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  I am a Conservative: Save your sad story for Oprah. Now go support yourself.

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  I am a Conservative: Make your own choices then accept your obligation to pay for them.

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  I am a Conservative: By working to support myself, I repudiate everything liberals stand for.

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  I am a Conservative: Food is for the productive, or the families of the productive if earned by the productive.

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  I am a Conservative: In exchange for your excuses, you seem to think I'll give you money. Pfft. That's so 2008!

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  I am a Conservative: Here's what you are "entitled" to . . . Nothing. Nada. Zip. Now go support yourself.

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  I am a Conservative: From each according to his desire, but to each according to his efforts.

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  I am a Conservative: My unicorn cares deeply about the excuses you offer to justify sponging off me and others who actually produce.

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  I am a Conservative: Real "social justice" means you go and support yourself without sponging off society.

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  I am a Conservative: The rich are to be admired (with some exceptions), not envied by failures and losers. Go get rich.

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  I am a Conservative: Your life would be better if you weren't lazy and stupid. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Hunger is awesome! It's like a really effective nagging device to make deadbeat losers produce. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: That lazy people are cold and hungry is not a bug — it's a feature.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey deadbeat, if you're hungry but won't work to support yourself, try eating your excuses

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  I am a Conservative: Every American deserves the best medical care he's willing to buy with his own money.

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  I am a Conservative: That you chose to live a life of chaos gives you no moral claim to free money from me. Go get a job.

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  I am a Conservative: "Labor Day" should celebrate how my labor supports scores of dole-demanding deadbeats.

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  I am a Conservative: There's no "health care crisis." There's an "I want other people to support me" crisis. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Social policy must operate under the premise that you accept the consequences of your life choices.

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  I am a Conservative: Before you complain, check to ensure you're a deployed U.S. soldier. If not, seriously consider shutting the hell up.

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  I am a Conservative: Stupid people need to aggressively assert their right to remain silent.

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  I am a Conservative: Hunger and cold are better teachers than unionized public school teachers.

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  I am a Conservative: I like consequences. That's how I know I'm conservative. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I don't want a social safety net where people feel safe and secure enough to be deadbeats. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Food should be free to those who work and pay money for it, which means not free at all.

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  I am a Conservative: Welfare programs that try to protect the "dignity" of their recipients miss the point entirely.

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  I am a Conservative: Charity for short-term problems, sure. Government handouts to subsidize social pathologies, hell no.

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  I am a Conservative: Let's stop calling it "hunger" and start calling it, "A foreseeable consequence of laziness.”

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  I am a Conservative: If lame excuses were money, then liberals and their serfs would all be rich. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Needing a little help is very different from feeling entitled to it in perpetuity. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: No matter how objectively "deserving" or "needy" you are, you are not entitled to one dime of my money to support you.

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  I am a Conservative: I mock stupid people because they are stupid and you all need to know. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: To those with no food, I suggest buying some. To those with no money, I suggest working.

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  I am a Conservative: The common element in people not getting government handouts is personal pride.

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  I am a Conservative: Life is hard. It's harder for me when I have to carry the weight of deadbeat losers too. Go support yourself.

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  I am a Conservative: If you're stupid, you shouldn't vote. Make registration difficult. It discourages dumbasses.

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  I am a Conservative: You liberals contribute to society like Peter Tork contributed to the Monkees.

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  I am a Conservative: Thanks for the offer, liberals, but my self-respect prevents me from being a social parasite.

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  I am a Conservative: Gee, why do people who work hard and act responsibly always seem to have better "luck" than those who don't?

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  I am a Conservative: If something bad happened to you, I'll bet it's because you did something stupid. I'll win 90% of the time.

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  I am a Conservative: Yeah, you are facing some tough challenges. And you need to figure out a solution. Hint: Me giving you money isn't it.

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  I am a Conservative: I can't be plotting to oppress Democrat constituents. I'm too busy working to generate taxes to support them.

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  I am a Conservative: Your crappy life is almost certainly the result of your crappy choices. No government handout will fix that.

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  I am a Conservative: Unleash the power of not listening to lame excuses about why deadbeats are entitled to money taken from working people.

  CHAPTER TWO

  What Would Julius Caesar Do?

  There’s an ancient military concept that needs to make a comeback. It’s called “victory.”

  I am a Conservative, which means that if you make me fight I am going to try to win.

  I’m not going to talk out our issues, or hold back to give you a chance to see the error of your ways, or arbitrarily put off limits the places you will use to refit, reinforce and retrain.

  That’s how one loses.

  I’m not a liberal. I don’t like losers.

  Instead, I’m going to try and crush you, and your buddies, in order to both make you a non-problem in the future and as an object lesson for any scumbags who might try and follow your example.

  This is called “winning.” We need to rediscover the concept.

  Julius Caesar didn’t take a whole lot of crap. If you started a beef was with Jul-dawg, you had better freaking win or else you were going to find your sorry barbarian booty nailed to something — literally. Razing the town, killing the men, selling the women and children into slavery and plowing the ground with salt was the kind of can-do, outside-the-box thinking that made the Romans people who were just plain not to be screwed with.

  And while using all of those tactics might be a bit much today — might — the fact is that once our enemies figure that there is even a tiny chance that they can mess with the eagle, messing with the eagle becomes an option. We need to make the thought of it so terrifying that our enemies wet themselves.

  I am a Conservative, which means
I like having a plan and a strategy. Being a conservative, I never need to figure out my end state in war because it’s always the same — victory. Sadly, not everyone thinks like that….

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  I am a Conservative: The United States military is the greatest force for peace the world has ever known.

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  I am a Conservative: Lemme end the debate — I say spell Kaddafi’s name "C-O-R-P-S-E."

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  I am a Conservative: So, did we go to war with anyone else today? I mean, I'm all for killing punks, but I'm gonna need a program.

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  I am a Conservative: I strongly support the American victory in World War Two. Very few progressives would say that. Fewer would mean it.

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  I am a Conservative: I was all for bombing Libya, but then I was for bombing Libya long before they started killing each other.

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  I am a Conservative: See, sometimes violence does solve things. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Strategy called. It’s upset and insulted about the Libyan strategy being called “strategy.”

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  I am a Conservative: Could someone let me know when a given war is "legal"? Until then, I'll just go by whether a Democrat is president or not. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Our foreign policy should be "Screw with us, our allies, or our people and you're a smoking crater.”

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  I am a Conservative: We aren't ready to leave Afghanistan. It isn't flat yet. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: ACP — Always Channel Patton.

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  I am a Conservative: Visualize World Peace, by which I mean the utter defeat of our jihadist and communist enemies. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: A proper exit strategy is driving away afterwards over the corpses of our enemies while their women cry.

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  I am a Conservative: We can fight about social issues after we've united to kill the bastards trying to murder us.

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  I am a Conservative: Peace is a consequence of our victory, not a substitute.

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  I am a Conservative: I am not for peace. I am for victory.

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  I am a Conservative: Maybe your concept of morality requires you to let Seventh-Century turds disrespect you, but mine doesn't.

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  I am a Conservative: Peace through the destruction of our enemies.