I Am a Conservative

by Kurt Schlichter

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  I am a Conservative: We need more nuclear weapons. A lot more.

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  I am a Conservative: Here's my foreign policy — Mess with the U.S. and we level you and your scumbag allies. Questions? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Our foreign policy should consist of fairness, justice, and a willingness to kill anyone who threatens us.

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  I am a Conservative: Right now I am appreciating the 21 year old paratrooper patrolling Kunar Province for us. #Airborne

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  I am a Conservative: No one who knows you should be surprised to find you support freedom, capitalism, and defeating jihadis.

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  I am a Conservative: All I want for my birthday is a few select airstrikes.

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  I am a Conservative: Every kid ought to come out of high school knowing who Patton was — and wanting to be like him.

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  I am a Conservative: Is dissent still patriotic or not? I've lost track.

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  I am a Conservative: Violence doesn't solve anything except problems. Am I right, Hitler’s Charred Corpse?

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  I am a Conservative: The solution to the problem of terrorism starts and ends with heaps of dead terrorists

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  I am a Conservative: The only thing that makes me happier than a dead commie is a dead commie lying next to a dead jihadi.

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  I am a Conservative: Every time a jihadi dies, an angel gets its wings. #Victory

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  I am a Conservative: I dream of world peace. That means a world without Iran, North Korea, and any jihadis. Just craters.

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  I am a Conservative: Peace is the absence of living enemies.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals, don't worry — I'll fight to protect your freedom to be totally wrong.

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  I am a Conservative: My seven-year-old understands the concept of victory. So, Democrats, you can write off her vote.

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  I am a Conservative: Drone strikes make me smile. And whistle a happy tune.

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  I am a Conservative: I support U.S. foreign policy of relentless enbitchening. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Muammar...come out and plaaaa-yaaaay. Muammar.... *clink-clink*. #Caring

  CHAPTER THREE

  Republicans, Your Failure Is Complete

  The Republican Party, or at least its establishment wing, appears to exist for the sole purpose of ceding the moral high ground to the plundering pinkos of the Democrat Party.

  If you give the GOP leadership (a term I use only because the more accurate term, “Bunch of incompetent losers who could not articulate a conservative principle effectively if held at gunpoint,” is unwieldy) three different courses of action to respond to a given Democrat gambit, it will always create a fourth that is worse in every way than the original three.

  I am a Conservative, so I am kind of stuck with a lame GOP until those of us who aren’t squishes finally, and fully, purge the faint-hearts. In the meantime, here is some frustration purging….

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  I am a Conservative: I propose that the GOP leadership form an exploratory committee to explore not sucking. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I don't believe in "practical solutions" — that's code for selling out my principles. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Squishy RINOs count as the GOP establishment's birthday present to Obama. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: No patience (or money) for GOPpeasers.

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  I am a Conservative: Our GOP gays are better than your gays. Because your gays are lazy welfare-devouring deadbeats.

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  I am a Conservative: You GOP losers can't cut the budget? Lemme help. Cut everything — EVERYTHING — 33 1/3% except defense. Cut that just 10%.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey lame GOP leadership — I am not reasonable and I don't tolerate compromisers. Deal with it.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey lame GOP leadership — you better believe we would rather primary you than accept RINOism.

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  I am a Conservative: Um, if you think having squishes lecturing us will shame us into silence, you really are as dumb as you seem.

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  I am a Conservative: The GOP's big problem isn't gays who are conservative. It's Republicans who aren't.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, what lame government boondoggle did you defund today? Yeah, didn't think so. #Failure

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, I may be registered "Republican," but I now identify myself as "Conservative." Because you suck.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, wanna earn my vote? Wear a T-shirt that reads "I am not the media's bitch!"

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, maybe you should consider fighting back and being conservative. Just a thought.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, here's my victory strategy. It involves doing the things that lead to victory.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, the cuts you make better be "extreme."

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  I am a Conservative: Uh, GOP losers, why again is a government shutdown bad? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, why are we still funding NPR? In other news, I will work to flush outta office any of you who get squishy.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, how come we have money going to Palestinians? Give them nothing. Except maybe an airstrike.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP, what do you like more — your job or being right? Yeah, you’re only in office until we don't need you.

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  I am a Conservative: The House GOP leadership thinks I'm stupid. I think I'm going to spend my time and money getting their asses fired.

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  I am a Conservative: I want to see a GOP anti-parasite platform in 2012. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I hope the GOP doesn't nominate someone who acts like he'd start bawling if Obama is mean to him in a debate.

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  I am a Conservative: GOP, are you taking notes on the crony capitalists who chose to side with Obama? You need to make examples of them.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP men, you need to move aside and let conservative ladies make it happen. You need to just stay out of the way.

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  I am a Conservative: And the GOP has not clearly come out for banning all public employee unions why?

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  I am a Conservative: I don't compromise. I stand on principle. That's why people like me annoy the GOP. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: A word to the GOP wusses ready to sell out to the Democrats — do it and your careers are over. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: A compromise sounds like a great deal if the GOP can also get the Democrats to agree to a reach-around. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: The first step is admitting your problem: GOP politicians repeat after me: "We screwed up and we're sorry!"

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  I am a Conservative: Hey hack GOP politicians, if you want to be "reasonable," piss off. That's just code for being liberal.

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  I am a Conservative: If the GOP takes the whole Congress, will it promise to end "baseline" budgeting? Or has it learned nothing?

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  I am a Conservative: Former Kleagles are not welcome in my party. T
ry the Democrats. With them, you can be a Klansman and an icon.

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  I am a Conservative: And NPR should be funded why, GOP? And because you “don't want to look like a mean ole Tea Party guy” is an unsatisfactory answer.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey, here's an idea about cutting the budget. It's called "Cutting the budget." Give it a whirl, GOP losers.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP loser, you fund any of the Unconstitutional Obamacare scheme and we fund your primary opponents.

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  I am a Conservative: GOP-ers, I am SO not #Caring about your career prospects except to the extent they further a conservative agenda.

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  I am a Conservative: I like the GOP-ers. I vote for them. And if they screw me again I'll make sure they aren't elected dogcatcher.

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  I am a Conservative: Who is the GOP leader who will win my heart — by brutally slashing the programs the bleeding hearts love?

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP elite, if you do not believe we are serious about dumping you if you fail, just look into our eyes.

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  I am a Conservative: We'll know the failed GOP elite is still in charge if they spend a dime on NPR, PBS or CPB. #ThirdParty

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  I am a Conservative: That sound you wussy GOP senators hear is us folks conspiring to ruin your political hopes n' dreams.

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  I am a Conservative: I will eagerly do all I can to screw over weak-willed, whiny GOP "moderates" in primaries. Keep that in mind.

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  I am a Conservative: What have you done today to make the GOP establishment afraid for their jobs? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Step 1- Read the Constitution. Step 2 — Defund every government program not in the Constitution. Feel me, GOP?

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP wusses, try this counteroffer: "OK, then we default. My constituents aren't the parasites." #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Do you get the idea the House GOP would love nothing more than to rollover but that they're more afraid of us?

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, you roll over to the liberals and we will end your careers. And we know you at least care about those.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, bold new ideas include a 30% "share the sacrifice" government worker pay/benefits cut. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Do we have anyone in the GOP with the figurative sack to utterly crush all unions? Cuz that would be awesome.

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  I am a Conservative: My ideal GOP candidate will look at the crony capitalist companies and say "If I'm elected, you're all screwed."

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  I am a Conservative: Messing with GOP RINOs who hand the liberals victories shall be my new hobby.

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  I am a Conservative: If you GOP losers can't man-up the sack to defund NPR now, we're done with you. Got it? Then get going.

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  I am a Conservative: The problem with the GOP is members of the GOP who think it's okay to vote to confirm people like Elena Kagan.

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  I am a Conservative: I expect more from the GOP leadership than weakness, stupidity, and compromise. But I'm not sure why.

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  I am a Conservative: Will the GOP have the guts to say "No, you get nothing. Support yourself" to the parasite demographic?

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  I am a Conservative: I am detecting a serious lack of “getting it” on the part of the GOP politicians in D.C. Don't make me make firing you my hobby.

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  I am a Conservative: GOP Establishment, the liberals will never love you, and you've ensured we don't either. Go away; you're just embarrassing yourself.

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  I am a Conservative: I'd much rather totally burn down the GOP than let liberal Republicans rule. I know that bugs the establishment. Tough shit.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, if you aren't conservative now, I suggest you do a real convincing job of pretending to be.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, I am just crazy enough to allow the Democrats to beat you out of spite. Try me.

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  I am a Conservative: GOP losers, stop being afraid of the MSM and D.C. establishment and start being afraid of us conservatives. Or lose.

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  I am a Conservative: I'd like a chance to vote for a GOP candidate who looks like he knows what to do with a gun, a beer, and a woman.

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  I am a Conservative: First, crush the unions. Then the media. And don't forget all the crony capitalists! #GOPScrewThemList.

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  I am a Conservative: The Left lives off government funding/support of its front organizations — unions, NPR, etc. Destroy them! #GOPScrewThemList

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  I am a Conservative: Attack and defeat the key Democrat constituencies — crush unions and deport all illegals. Yes We Can! #GOPScrewThemList

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  I am a Conservative: We need to make an example of a company that went all-in for the Democrats and bring it down. GE? #GOPScrewThemList

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  I am a Conservative: You wanna win or keep taking it in the Kennedy-hole? Then defeat your Leftist enemies. #GOPScrewThemList

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  I am a Conservative: In anything the GOP does Questions #1 and #2 must be "How will this punish our enemies and help our friends?” #GOPScrewThemList

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  I am a Conservative: Wreck the university-leftist axis...end all student loans. Plus, it'll help kids too. #GOPScrewThemList

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  I am a Conservative: The GOP establishment thinks we aren't serious. Dudes, we bet you will when your primary opponents gets our checks.

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  I am a Conservative: I will devote myself to firing any GOPer who lets himself be intimidated by the liberals.

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  I am a Conservative: Lemme guess — the election results were somehow racist. And sexist. And Islamaphobic. And awesome.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Democrats and Progressives:

  How Do They Work?

  The Democrat Party exists for the sole purpose of stealing our money to give it to losers who will, in turn, keep electing Democrats.

  It’s a brilliant scheme. In fact, it’s the only liberal scheme in history that has actually achieved its promised results.

  Now, about half of all Americans are on some form of the dole, bringing our nation that much closer to the liberal dream of a nation of serfs begging from the liberal elites who hold Uncle Sam’s puppet strings.

  I am a Conservative, so this disgusts me. The first step in fighting back is to shine a spotlight on the scam…

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  I am a Conservative: The science is settled — the Democrat Party is the party of parasites, losers, and failures

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  I am a Conservative: Failure, thy name is liberalism.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism = Failure + Unjustified Self-Regard x Marxism.

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  I am a Conservative: Progressivism is just fascism with a "P" and some perfume to cover up the stink.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals like Rodan because he's a passive loser who contributes nothing. Godzilla is the conservative monster.

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  I am a Conservative: Quick, name a dictator the progressives won't suck up to. Also unfindable: The Holy Grail.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism is a set of beliefs designed to excuse stealing from people who actually work for a living.

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  I am a Conservative: A
progressive is someone who can go to the DMV and come out still thinking government has all the answers.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't want your fascist "unity" and "civility." You leftists suck, I'm going to keep saying it, and you may kiss my ass.

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  I am a Conservative: If the liberals were the Rat Pack, the losers at Media Matters would be Joey Bishop's hairdresser.

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  I am a Conservative: I urge the Democrats in Congress to seek treatment for their socialism addiction. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: President Obama is truly a uniter — of the GOP and independents. And people who like America.

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  I am a Conservative: Dear Leftists — can you update me on the #newtone rules as they change? Also, kiss my ass.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals' lameness makes the unicorn cry. #Caring #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals think the American people are stupid. The evidence: Electing Obama. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals, please stop beating-up Obama's buddies at GE for paying no taxes...oh, wait.... #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Why do liberals look down on hardworking plumbers but admire Gender Studies professors?

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  I am a Conservative: If you are progressive, no one will ever love you.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals: Because someone has to morally justify the efforts of deadbeats to sponge off the rest of us.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey Liberals, the Constitution is not some sort of foundational Mad Lib that you get to fill in with nonsense.

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  I am a Conservative: Personal responsibility is a concept that's as appealing to liberals as a garlic milkshake is to Dracula.

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  I am a Conservative: The Democrats are turning our country into a human centipede and people who actually work are the end segment. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I suspect liberals want to stop conservative "rhetoric" because the majority of voters are responding to it.

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  I am a Conservative: Is anyone still surprised when liberals jettison their sacred principles (like free speech) when they become inconvenient?

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