I Am a Conservative

by Kurt Schlichter

  I am a Conservative: Hey whiny Progressives, I'm not questioning your patriotism. You have none. I'm moving right on to questioning your stupid goatees.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals love free speech right up until a conservative exercises it. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals are to civil rights for all as John Edwards was to marital fidelity and not being a tool. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Inspired by your bumpersticker, I say feel free to have your lips "COEXIST" with my ass.

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  I am a Conservative: Socialism seems to breed all the problems capitalism gets accused of but never actually displays.

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  I am a Conservative: Leftism is the only political philosophy that depends on its constituents failing for it to thrive.

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  I am a Conservative: Fact—Liberal women hate Sarah Palin because of jealously for her influence, unapologetic confidence, and looks. Losers.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism is like a pustule without the fringe benefits. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I strive to be more like Patton; you liberals wonder "Who's Patton?"

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals are so much smarter than we are — just ask them.

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  I am a Conservative: Notice how the jihadi scum only succeed in intimidating liberals? Try telling a Texan he's gotta submit.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey liberals, your side has lost. It's all a fighting retreat until you and your dreams are finally crushed. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Quick, name the successful, functional, liberal-run big city ... waiting.... waiting.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals hate shame since it is a natural reaction to living a liberal lifestyle of slothful parasitism.

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  I am a Conservative: Tax progressive losers an extra 20%. Call it the Sanctimony Surcharge. Assuming they have jobs at all. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: At least ticks admit what they are. And unlike their human cousins, they don't vote Democrat.

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  I am a Conservative: I have issues with progressives. Issue No. 1: They're morons. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I have issues with progressives. Issue No. 2: They're closed-minded conformists. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I have issues with progressives. Issue No. 3: Most are ugly. E.g., Michael Moore, Kathy Griffin. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Is there a way to vote "F**k No"?

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  I am a Conservative: "Sure, but he killed Osama which no other president would have, so I don't need to be able to find a job." #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: Obama's plan to confront the looming economic collapse is to demonize people pointing out the looming economic collapse.

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  I am a Conservative: Sometimes I think the Obama administration is just a collection of hipsters doing performance art. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Confront and demolish the liberal false premise that we can't stop overspending by stopping overspending

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  I am a Conservative: A "small minority" of "stupid" Tea Party "terrorists" has totally beat the progressive axis. Boy, the liberals must feel like losers.

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  I am a Conservative: Man, progressive axis, it must be embarrassing to lose so decisively to people you always say are so crazy and dumb.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey progressive axis, if Obama is such a genius, how come he rolled over to a minority of the minority party in D.C.?

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  I am a Conservative: Hey progressive axis, how does it feel to get your asses kicked and your commie dreams crushed by a bunch of flyover nuts?

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  I am a Conservative: Hey progressives, Obama can never succeed on the economy. His liberalism = failure. But you can still try to blame Bush.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey progressives, my balanced approach is a balance between your defeat and humiliation. Taste your fail. #

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  I am a Conservative: Hey liberals, refusing to give free money to deadbeat losers is not "punishing them.” #Caring #No

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  I am a Conservative: Unlike liberals, I think everyone is capable of living responsibly and with self-reliant dignity.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism is the ideology of moral posturing with our money.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals think morality only applies to Conservatives — watch them dismiss it when it cuts into their action.

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  I am a Conservative: Lady GaGa is the ultimate liberal — boldly holding the same beliefs as all the liberal music critics.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey liberals — A "hero" isn't some pinko who organizes a letter writing campaign to promote windmills.

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  I am a Conservative: The name “Democrat” itself enshrines their ignorance of the nature of our country. Uh, dudes, it's a republic.

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  I am a Conservative: Can we all agree now that progressivism is just societal suicide on the installment plan?

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  I am a Conservative: Conservatives know Kelly's Heroes by heart; you liberals think it's okay to sob in public.

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  I am a Conservative: The liberals would be happy if the whole country was one big TSA-run checkpoint.

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  I am a Conservative: The budget process should consist of asking "So, what do we have left after paying for defense and vets?"

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  I am a Conservative: Losers who can't come up with a photo ID shouldn't be voting anyway. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Gee, what party appeals to the kind of deadbeat losers who can't come up with a photo ID? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals hate dogs. Don't believe their lies to the contrary. The only animals they adore are the leech and the sloth.

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  I am a Conservative: The liberals don't care about "racism" or "sexism," except as tools to berate cons. They're perfectly accepting of both.

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  I am a Conservative: Weiner is the distilled, smarmy essence of the Democrat Party.

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  I am a Conservative: Republican=Reagan, Democrat=Weiner. It's that stark and that simple.

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  I am a Conservative: Well, now we know what Weiner stands for. Cameras. #Caring #WeinerGate

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  I am a Conservative: There's no failure like the failure of the Weiner-Enabling Democrat Party. You suck. #losers

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  I am a Conservative: The Weiner-Enabling Democrat Party's platform consists of socialism and peni-grams. #losers

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  I am a Conservative: Is it the "Weiner-Enabling Democrat Party" or the "KKK Kleagle Byrd-Hugging Democrat party?" It’s both!

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  I am a Conservative: Who here thinks that under the Weiner-Enabling Democrats we'd have the 1st Amendment if we didn't have the 2nd?

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism = (Deadbeatery - Shame) + Scumbag Urban Politicians like Weiner.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberal America is composed of deadbeats, and those who cynically exploit them for political gain.

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  I am a Conservative: Progressives would watch "Casablanca" and complain that Rick allowed smoking in his bar.

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r />   I am a Conservative: Grow up and abandon the sick joke that is liberalism.

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  I am a Conservative: Hugo Chavez is progressive Viagra.

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  I am a Conservative: Democrats, support the Ground Zero mosque because your job is to tell us Americans what hateful jerks we all are.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey, "conservative” Democrats, your first vote would be for Pelosi as speaker. ’Nuff said. #YouSuck

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  I am a Conservative: Hey progressives, why does America's greatness bother you all so much?

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  I am a Conservative: The TSA is the manifestation of everything liberals strive for.

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  I am a Conservative: On the plus side, at least Rep. Anthony Weiner didn't leave his gal-pal to drown in his car. #Weinergate

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  I am a Conservative: On the plus side, at least Rep. Anthony Weiner wasn't a KKK kleagle. #Weinergate

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  I am a Conservative: Apparently Rep. Anthony Weiner does his manscaping with Occam's Razor. #Weinergate #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Remember back when liberals pretended to champion individual rights? It's been a while.

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  I am a Conservative: Progressives think America would be vastly improved if we got rid of Americans.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The Global Warming Scam

  It’s remarkably convenient that suddenly an unverifiable phenomenon that happens to be caused by a prime liberal bugaboo just popped into being, and that the only cure is to transfer immeasurable money and power to the liberal elites while simultaneously limiting our own liberty and prosperity.

  Damn, the liberals couldn’t have come up with something that works out for them better if they had, well, just sat down and constructed it out of whole cloth.

  I am a Conservative, which means I’m not about to let a bunch of pinkos pushing a pseudo-religion based on faked science, kick me out of my fine European touring sedan and onto some dirty bus with a crowd of equally angry victims of the liberals’ desire for ritual human sacrifice.

  Here are a few thoughts….

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  I am a Conservative: Even you pinkos can't talk about "climate change" with a straight face anymore. #scam

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  I am a Conservative: The global warming crowd is composed entirely of suckers and malignant socialist power hoarders.

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  I am a Conservative: Green is the new color of fascism.

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  I am a Conservative: My goal is having the largest carbon footprint I can generate, because carbon kills unicorns.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't recycle. Call it carbon crime. Call it dignity. Hey, trash is trash. Deal, hippie losers.

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  I am a Conservative: This cold weather is the result of global warming. And George W. Bush. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: My unicorn was just telling me about how serious a problem global warming is on his planet.

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  I am a Conservative: Your bizarre, pagan enviro-religion is ridiculous. Climate change is a fraud. You suck.

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  I am a Conservative: Does Santa appreciate the irony when he gives hideous global warming-believing liberal kids coal?

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  I am a Conservative: Like Charlie Sheen, the climate change scam has become an embarrassing mistake that's fading away. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: My leprechaun is very concerned about global warming. #UnicornDreams #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: It's "Earth Day," except we don't harken to pagan-lib idiocy. Happy Good Friday.

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  I am a Conservative: The only thing “carbon offsets” offset is lame liberal guilt.

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  I am a Conservative: Global warming froze my unicorn.

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  I am a Conservative: I've got carbon offsets for sale. Lowest prices, best service. Buy now and get 10% more self-righteousness!

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  I am a Conservative: Global warming is as real as Bigfoot, but nowhere near as amusing.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm drinking booze and eating meat tonight. If only I could find a way to also pump up my carbon footprint it'd be perfect.

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  I am a Conservative: Can I pay my taxes in carbon offsets?

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  I am a Conservative: I think the Arabs are getting uppity because of global warming.

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  I am Conservative: Notice how nobody talks about "global warming" anymore? I guess real problems interfered.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Government:

  Shrink It, Starve It and Mock It

  Government has gone from being an annoying necessity to a self-replicating blob that attempts to assimilate everything it touches — every role, every duty, and every responsibility, whether the Framers allocated it to the government or not.

  That illustrates the essential arrogance of liberals — they really believe they are smarter, more moral, and more visionary than those guys back in the olden days who wrote the Constitution.

  They are wrong.

  I am a Conservative, and I don’t hate the federal government. I like government, to the extent it should exist. We just need a federal government to do those things set forth in the Constitution…and nothing else!

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  I am a Conservative: I have a DREAM Act too — I dream that the government will do its job and seal the damn border. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Yeah, I dig the Replacements. And the Ramones. And a small, limited government as set out in the Constitution.

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  I am a Conservative: A government that only does a few things might actually do some of them well.

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  I am a Conservative: More government and higher taxes will make everything better until the next ginned-up crisis/power grab.

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  I am a Conservative: End all federal government student aid except G.I. Bill. We don't owe you a college education and we're sick of subsidizing colleges.

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  I am a Conservative: The only cuts Obama seems willing to preside over are to the U.S. credit rating. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Yeah, let's raise the debt ceiling. That makes sense. Because the guys who got us into this mess say so. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: I'll support funding the 30-year-old Department of Education if you can show me how education has improved since 1980.

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  I am a Conservative: End the nightmare of excuse acceptance-based social policy.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm sick of being governed by "smart" people. We need some "wise" ones. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I oppose all social programs. End them now. The closest thing I tolerate is money to truly injured vets. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Government social policies that trash fathers didn't lead to fewer fathers. No, that was Bush's fault. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: Imagine a federal government that only did what the Constitution says it can do... #WonderfulDreams

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  I am a Conservative: If you rely on the government, you probably suck. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: End all government welfare programs. All of them. Now. They do more harm than good.

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  I am a Conservative: End all free health care programs. All of them. Now. They do more harm than good.

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  I am a Conservative: Government spends les
s when it does less. It needs to do less. A lot less.

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  I am a Conservative: Let the cuts begin! Repeal Obamacare and replace it with people taking responsibility for themselves.

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  I am a Conservative: How about we raise the Medicare start age to 75? Want medical insurance sooner? You pay for it.

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  I am a Conservative: Lower the debt ceiling.

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  I am a Conservative: Don't raise the debt ceiling. Instead, cut everything government should not be doing anyway. (Welfare, I'm lookin' at you.)

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  I am a Conservative: Obama, do you wanna help small business? Great. Resign and take your pinko pals with you.

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  I am a Conservative: Here's my solution to the budget deficit problem: Don't spend more money than you take in. Solved.

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  I am a Conservative: Cutting Pell Grants corresponds to the wacky notion that people who can't afford college shouldn't be in it.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey, threatening to shut down the government is not much of a threat — it sounds more like an objective.

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  I am a Conservative: No offense, government, but I don't want your damn "help." On second thought, go ahead and take offense.

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  I am a Conservative: Cut 25% of federal workers just in time for Christmas. Think of it as a present to those who pay the bills.

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  I am a Conservative: Step one to balancing the budget — understanding that the purpose of government is not to feed/house people who won't work.

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  I am a Conservative: Well, to cut the deficit we could always stop spending tax money on nonsense not found in the Constitution.

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  I am a Conservative: Here, I'll solve the deficit. End Obamacare. Deport illegals. Cut all programs that give people money for nothing.

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  I am a Conservative: Yes, I do want to balance the budget on the backs of those parasites sucking out the money we earn. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: End PBS. And the NEA. And the CPB. And every other extra-Constitutional acronym. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I'd end food stamps before lunch. Food is for people who earn it. Want charity? Go find a church. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Our illegal immigration policy should be fully summed up in just 4 words — "Get the hell out.”