I Am a Conservative

by Kurt Schlichter

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  I am a Conservative: The answer to the question, "How will you create jobs as President?" is "I won't."

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  I am a Conservative: Leftists can go pound sand. But sorry, there's no taxpayer subsidy for that, so it won't happen.

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  I am a Conservative: Even if I liked a given compromise, I would not say so, so as to avoid encouraging future compromising.

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  I am a Conservative: Barack Obama is to a bright American future as Dane Cook is to original, hilarious, non-funny-face-making comedy.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey, have you heard? Socialism is a total failure that's murdered millions! Pass it on.

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  I am a Conservative: Idiots are useful as cautionary examples, but only when you don't bail them out of the consequences of dumb.

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  I am a Conservative: Golden Retrievers è Conservative. Beagles è Centrists. Lazy welfare cheats è Liberal. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: The litany of failure that is your personal history does not justify you getting my money. Get a job.

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  I am a Conservative: Fact è My right-wing orientation makes me sexually powerful. Deal with that reality, pinkos.

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  I am a Conservative: The only reason liberals don't follow their fascist inclinations and wear brown shirts is they don't like earth tones.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism is Fascism Lite. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: The only thing worse than a lib Democrat government is a lib GOP government — we need to start using the term RINO unironically again.

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  I am a Conservative: Obama could be worse — he could be spending both halves of his time in Washington wrecking the country.

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  I am a Conservative: Sarah Palin both embraces solid conservative policies and drives liberals insane. Downside Detected: None.

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  I am a Conservative: People who embrace bipartisanship miss the point of democracy. Or they have an ulterior motive.

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  I am a Conservative: Obama promises a new focus on jobs, mostly in the Presidential travel/vacation industry.

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  I am a Conservative: I want more atheists lecturing me on how Jesus was a socialist and/or a pacifist. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: I want Big Bird dead. Or at least off the dole. No, dead is better. Die, Big Bird. #NewTone

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  I am a Conservative: I share more beliefs with Martin Luther King, Jr., than the average liberal does. A lot more.

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  I am a Conservative: I strongly support the use of labels. People who don't want to hide who they are. Yeah, I'll say #RINO.

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  I am a Conservative: Know what bothers me? Unpunched hippies. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I believe in compassion. Which is why I don't believe in tolerating scumbags and degenerates.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberal hatred merely makes me stronger and my orgasms more intense. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: No, government flunkie, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey politicians, your asses work for me.

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  I am a Conservative: More “radicalism” — let big companies that have failed fail.

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  I am a Conservative: All liberals ask in return for their help is for you to surrender your dignity to them. Sadly, lots of losers accept.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't have "animal companions." I have pets, and I own them, and they are not my equals. Maybe yours, but not mine.

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  I am a Conservative: Keys to my awesome sexy power are my refusal to accept unearned government money, my ownership of firearms, and my #Caring.

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  I am a Conservative: I think Obama was born in America. I'm just not happy about it. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Hey, here's a secret — I don't like the guy personally and I want his miserable plans to fail.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't believe in "unity." That's code for "Join the collectivist bandwagon." Screw that.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't want to convince my opponents. I want to defeat them. Hear that, liberals? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Screw the Democrats. Crush their favored constituencies, neuter their power bases, and make liberalism toxic for 50 years.

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  I am a Conservative: Just remember that liberals view you "oppressed" group members as disposable pawns in their collectivist campaign.

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  I am a Conservative: High gas prices are Bush's fault because...uh....shut up, racist! #UnicornDreams #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: You call me an imperialist like that's a bad thing.

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  I am a Conservative: The election will be our "Shove It Already" project.

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  I am a Conservative: Just because you've forgotten about our enemies doesn't mean they've forgotten about you.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey pompous elite — we've seen the best you can do. It sucks. As do you. Now buzz off while we fix things.

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  I am a Conservative: It's a fact that to support Obama you either have to hate this country or are a freaking moron.

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  I am a Conservative: John Galt shouldn't have run. He should have pumped his 12 gauge and said, "You and what army, you fascist bastards?"

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  I am a Conservative: If you won't fight for Western civilization, just go get fitted for your chains now.

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  I am a Conservative: I'd be more impressed with the Ivy League if it demonstrated any reason to be impressed with it.

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  I am a Conservative: Let's agree on a basic set of foundational rules. We'll call it "the Constitution," and liberals won't like it.

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  I am a Conservative: Real Americans neither bow nor apologize to foreigners.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm not asking you if I can exercise my freedom of speech — I'm warning you not to try and stop me.

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  I am a Conservative: "Green jobs" is an example of government efficiency, stuffing two lies into one short sentence. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Are you a member of the credentialed, self-appointed lib elite? You are? Then bite me.

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  I am a Conservative: Paul Krugman looks like an effeminate Satan, but with worse tastes in suits and facial hair.

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  I am a Conservative: Appeasing cowards need to know that “Live Free or Die” ain't just a license plate motto.

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  I am a Conservative: Where's Jimmy Carter when we need him, because we need a self-righteous loser with a proven track record of failure. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: It's already 8:23 a.m. PST — what have you done today to make a liberal cry?

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  I am a Conservative: The humiliation of liberals is like the happy song of a bird sitting in a tree, crapping on the liberals below. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: If you are "reasonable," just keep walking.

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  I am a Conservative: My terrier continues to do less damage to our economy than the Obama administration, not having killed 3 million jobs and all.

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  I am a Conservati
ve: I believe in labels because I don't have to hide my beliefs. #caring

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  I am a Conservative: You are in error. I did not ask your commie opinion. You may shut the hell up and depart my presence.

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  I am a Conservative: When the elite chides you to "Be civil," they're telling you to, "Stop saying things that imperil our hold on power."

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  I am a Conservative: The Constitution is not negotiable.

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  I am a Conservative: Leftists think we'll take their shit forever. That is a poor strategy.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm all for freedom — for those who earn it by taking it. The rest of you, well, enjoy your slavery.

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  I am a Conservative: Failure, thy name is liberalism.

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  I am a Conservative: Screw civility. I'm about honesty. And the honest truth is that liberalism is an unmitigated disaster.

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  I am a Conservative: Yeah, let's keep the awesome status quo. Good plan. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: I don't pronounce "G" as "J." Or stick my fellow vets in the back.

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  I am a Conservative: My terrier just made a Jimmy Carter on the lawn.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey, thanks for your thoughts about what I should be eating. Now kiss my ass as I enjoy a doughnut.

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  I am a Conservative: I want a GOP that will look in the eyes of a hungry child and say, "Tell your deadbeat father to work."

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  I am a Conservative: When liberals whine that I'm mean it puts a spring in my step. If they wanna subsidize losers, let 'em pay.

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  I am a Conservative: Can we all agree that socialism and its progeny are disgusting, sickening, and inhuman? Show of hands?

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  I am a Conservative: Cut everything.

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  I am a Conservative: Here's some friendly advice — stop being a whining little bitch who thinks the world owes you.

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  I am a Conservative: Our opponents fundamentally misunderstand us and think we are like them. This is an edge we can use to win.

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  I am a Conservative: No, I won't be "turning down my rhetoric." Sadly for you, I'll keep expressing my views of your failure.

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  I am a Conservative: Let me say it with love...liberalism can drop dead.

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  I am a Conservative: "RINO" is now such an out term that I'm adopting it for constant use —RINO RINO RINITTY RINO.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberal tears are the fuel of my joy. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: "Reasonable discussions" inevitably revolve around how we will screw up the country more. No more.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals would suck less if they weren't liberals.

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  I am a Conservative: If Obama wasn't born in another country then what's his excuse?

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  I am a Conservative: I think Obama was born in America. I just think he's ashamed of it. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: If Obama was trying to be a worse president, what would he do differently? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: How about living the motto, "No compromise?"

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Happiness Is a Whole Arsenal of Warm Guns

  Guns are awesome, and not only because the sound of a M4 firing at a jihadi warms the heart of every true American.

  Guns are not only useful to the dual causes of personal security and preserving our liberty, but they also make liberals apoplectic. It’s a win-win-win!

  The thought of the tools to defeat liberalism when it reaches its purest form — fascism — being in the hands of regular Americans is almost too much for them to bear.

  A gun lets American citizens be responsible, be powerful, be able to control their destiny without government help. Liberals hate all that. Which makes all of that even more awesome.

  I am a Conservative, and while you’re prying the gun out of my hand you best watch for the one in my other hand….

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  I am a Conservative: The unit of measurement for the degree of freedom in the United States is the "caliber."

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  I am a Conservative: More guns, more happy.

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  I am a Conservative: America would be a better place if more Americans owned and carried guns.

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  I am a Conservative: Mass shooters...just another reason why I'll fight to the death to preserve my 2nd Amendment right to defend myself.

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  I am a Conservative: Cordite smells just like freedom.

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  I am a Conservative: Gays can marry in New York, but God help them if they try to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights.

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  I am a Conservative: Sure, I'll give up my guns. But you'll have to pay me for them in magic beans. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: I support the legal presumption that if a regular citizen shoots a felon, the shooting is legit. Period.

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  I am a Conservative: My guns make progressives nervous. Good.

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  I am a Conservative: My shotgun is my hedge against liberal fascism.

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  I am a Conservative: The world needs more shotguns. And fewer college Gender Studies professors.

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  I am a Conservative: My kids are playing some sort of game about hunting space aliens with toy guns. Lesson: Defend yourself. Cool.

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  I am a Conservative: No, I'm not "reasonable" about gun control. Or about government limits on free speech or religion.

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  I am a Conservative: The sweetest 16 is "M."

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  I am a Conservative: Recipe for lib head explosion — "The Sarah Palin National Young Peoples’ Gun Training Initiative."

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  I am a Conservative: If you're a law-abiding adult without a gun you're half a citizen because you can't help protect our society.

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  I am a Conservative: Freedom comes in many calibers. But it only comes in calibers.

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  I am a Conservative: The gun control debate we need now is about getting rid of the unconstitutional, fascist bans we still have today.

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  I am a Conservative: The acts of creepy weirdos are not an argument for infringing upon any of my Bill of Rights rights.

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  I am a Conservative: Guns must be essential to freedom or progressives wouldn't hate the thought of us having them so much.

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  I am a Conservative: When the "SlutWalkers" invite the NRA to march with them I'll stop believing they're posing clowns.

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  I am a Conservative: My Remington 870 holds eight shells of double-00 freedom.

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  I am a Conservative: In Latin, the word "shotgun" translates as "freedom tube."

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  I am a Conservative: The only mistake the Founders might — might — have made was putting the right to keep and bear arms second.

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  I am a Conservative: An American without ammunition is useless.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't do Dhimmitude. #12GaugeSolution

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  I am a Conservative: Having a gun doesn't make you a man. Having several and plenty of ammo, however, is a good start.

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  I am a Conservative: No question — Guns in the hands of American citizens is the sole reason we remain a free nation.

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  I am a Conservative: Owning a gun is a personal insult to the liberal elite — as if we needed another reason to have one.

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  I am a Conservative: No one in human history has ever complained about having too much ammo.

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  I am a Conservative: The only self-enforcing right in the Bill of Rights is the 2nd Amendment. #TheMoreYouKnow

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  I am a Conservative: The 2nd Amendment is only second because the 1st Amendment is so damn awesome.

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  I am a Conservative: Will "SlutWalkers" join me in supporting women's right to carry handguns for protection? #Crickets

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  I am a Conservative: The American people are woefully underarmed. Shockingly, several US citizens do not own guns.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Random Thoughts

  I am a Conservative, and sometimes stuff just pops into my head….

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  I am a Conservative: Okay, I'll say it — Obama is not a very good president. I know that's harsh but I have to call 'em as I see 'em.

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  I am a Conservative: Anyone who truly wants political office should never have one.

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  I am a Conservative: My taste in post-punk power pop is better than yours, you progressive, conformist poser. Look there, The Shins!

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  I am a Conservative: Victory over stupidity. And over jihadism.

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  I am a Conservative: Extremism in the defense of liberty is awesome. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: More prisoners + fewer prisons + worse food — cable- human contact = Awesome penal reform.

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  I am a Conservative: If you are such a loser that you can't come up with an ID to vote, I don't want you voting at all.

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  I am a Conservative: So, who do you think Juggalos — if they voted — would vote for? Yeah, I agree...Democrat. #Losers #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I prefer the kind of patriotism that is pro-American.

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  I am a Conservative: Let's hope the UK finds its gonads and beats the living shit out of the anarchists next time they riot.

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  I am a Conservative: Great unemployment numbers. If we remove everyone from the labor force we should be at 0%.

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  I am a Conservative: I just know that within the White House they frequently utter the phrase "Bring out The Gimp!"