Difficult Husbands

by Mary de Laszlo

  ‘It’s hard for me, feeling so fat and tired.’ Flora snapped back.

  Ben squirmed in his chair, his eyes swivelling, fearful of making contact with anyone.

  ‘It shouldn’t have happened and for that I’m sorry,’ he mumbled. He turned to Lorna, his face flushed with embarrassment. ‘We were told that my sperm were weak and Tess is… irregular so I didn’t think it would happen. I know I shouldn’t have been with Flora and…’ He took a deep breath and faced Lorna squarely. ‘I shouldn’t have had sex with Flora and I’m sorry. She’s a lovely person and so kind and…’ he struggled for more words to describe her, while Flora sighed heavily, her arms firmly crossed over her chest as if to hold herself together.

  ‘You said you loved me, you couldn’t help it,’ she said, near tears.

  Lorna was exhausted. There was enough on her plate; it was overflowing and running down the sides. Here were two adults – three, if you counted the spirit of Tess – caught up in a very grown up situation. Couldn’t they cope with this appalling problem themselves? She was only here as a moderator to stop murder. She said wearily,

  ‘Whatever the reason, it has happened, and we must decide what to do for the best. The only innocent party, and the most vulnerable one, is the coming baby and that is the responsibility of you both as the parents.’

  Both of them seemed stunned by her words, perhaps realising for the first time the enormity of the situation. Neither spoke; neither looked at each other.

  ‘So, Ben, what do you think is the best move in this?’ Lorna threw him a tight smile of encouragement, wishing he were more assertive.

  Ben squirmed some more. ‘I... well, we haven’t decided. Tess might… we could share it.’ He looked desperate.

  ‘No, we can’t, it’s mine. I’m not going through all this crap to give it away.’ Flora scowled. Lorna saw a flashback of her aged three, clinging to a doll, a doll she’d never much liked, refusing to share, or even to show it to her cousin Katie.

  Ben broke in. ‘I want to stay with Tess, we…’ he glanced guiltily at Flora, ‘we’ve been through so much and we know each other so well.’

  ‘So you’ll leave me and the baby to cope alone?’ Flora howled at him, as he cowered in his chair.

  ‘N.. no, I won’t. The baby is my responsibility and I will see to that, be a good father to it, but we can’t live together, can we, Flora? We never really have and I don’t think we could, do you?’

  Lorna wondered if Ben loved Tess, or if love was just a luxury, an unobtainable Holy Grail, glimpsed now and then in a relationship, but quickly smothered by the problems of everyday living. Being comfortable in a relationship as, despite all this, he and Tess seemed to be, was no doubt the easiest thing for a smooth life, though it may not be very exciting. Perhaps sometimes couples confused a lack of excitement, especially in their sex lives, with lack of love, treating it as a major fault in an otherwise sustainable relationship.

  Ben sat there staring into space, Flora furiously picked at her nails and Lorna, feeling she’d said her bit, decided she would leave them alone to sort it out themselves. Saying that they were out of fresh milk and bread, she left them and went shopping. She’d barely left the house when Gloria texted her, saying she was in the High Street and asking if they could meet up for a drink or lunch. She agreed, relieved to be able to escape the scene going on with the parents of her grandchild in her living room.

  Gloria looked wonderful, bubbling with energy and relief, as she explained the arrangements she had made for Adrian to go to Scotland under the care of his sister.

  'I hated leaving him, he was quite upset about being left at Ravenscourt for Christmas, but he’s relieved Joanna is taking him to live with her, they’ve always been close. She lives in a quite secluded place and it will be quite an effort for him to find some booze and find a gutter to lie in,’ she said. ‘But I must tell you about the pictures of Ravenscourt, they are beautiful, do it great justice.’

  ‘Good, I hope to see them,’ Lorna said, wishing she’d been there too.

  ‘Also,’ Gloria wouldn’t meet her eye,’ Nathan’s looking for somewhere to move all his business and everything and I thought …’

  ‘Oh, Glory,’ her heart sank, she remembered that Rosalind had mentioned it, ‘I hope you didn’t suggest Ravenscourt.’ Had Gloria been up to her bossy head girl tactics again? ‘I wish everyone would stop making plans for my house. Please just leave Ravenscourt alone, and I’ll decide what to do with it.’

  28

  A Dubious Offer

  Lorna, Gloria and Rosalind met for a catch up gossip together in a café off Sloane Square. It was teatime, the lights outside glowing in the velvety dark. It was the end of the second week of the New Year and the first time they’d all three spent time together since the Christmas that had changed their lives.

  Lorna had gone to a dinner party with friends on New Year’s Eve and as midnight stuck and they all toasted in the New Year she wondered what it would bring. As they raised their glasses to the New Year, she heard the ‘ping’ of her mobile and discreetly glancing at it saw a message from Nathan. ‘Happy New Year, Lorna, meet up soon. X’ Her heart soared, filling her with hope. She wondered how he was celebrating it and sent one back, ‘Happy New Year too, hope it’s a good one. X’

  Rosalind was positively sparkling. No doubt, Lorna thought gloomily, fired up with a sizzling love affair with the man she’d met over Christmas. She braced herself to hear all about it.

  It was Gloria, who said, ‘you look wonderful Ros, so tell us all, what’s he like?’

  Rosalind blushed and looked down at her hands twisting the handle of her bag in her lap. ‘You… won’t believe it,’ she said cautiously, as if she hardly believed it herself, ‘but it’s… Ivan… he’s come back.’

  ‘Ivan… you mean Ivan?’ Gloria said with surprise, ‘but I thought you’d met someone else at a party at Christmas?’

  ‘I did and he was very attractive, asked me out too, but Ivan came home unexpectedly and heard me talking to him on the phone,’ she giggled. ‘You should have seen his face, it gave him a fright and I think it made him realise I was not going to sit about and wait for him to deign to come home whenever it suited him.’

  ‘So you didn’t go out with the new man?’ Gloria asked.

  ‘No.’ She turned to Lorna. ‘It’s all thanks to you and Ravenscourt, really. Being there without us shocked him into realising that our marriage is in trouble. We were alone in the house – the girls were out with friends – and we just talked, talked as we haven’t for ages. He’s promised to give up his charity work, at least for the moment, and give more time to us.’

  ‘Oh, Ros, I’m so glad’ Lorna said, ‘and you look pleased about it too.’

  ‘I am, I’ve always loved him, but these last years have been so difficult. I felt so abandoned, as if he was bored with me … like when my father left me when I was a teenager. I wanted to leave him but then, as you know Lorna, you don’t leave just a person but a whole lifestyle too. He’s back. I hope he is, anyway, the man I loved, so thank you… and Ravenscourt, for your part in it.’

  Lorna shrugged. ‘I did nothing, it’s just luck I have Ravenscourt and luck our plan worked out, though I’m sorry about Adrian,’ she said to Gloria.

  ‘It worked out a bit for me, too,’ Gloria said, ‘as I told you, Adrian has gone with his sister, Joanna, to Scotland. She will see he keeps to his regime with the rehab sessions. I’ve sent all his clothes on,’ she said determinedly, as if she’d closed that door on her life and was ready to open another.

  ‘You’ve done well, Glory, you’ve made the right decision. Let’s hope he does stick it out.’ Lorna laid her hand over hers, thinking that now Justin had gone back to Uni she must be lonely. ‘We must think of new things to do with our lives.’

  ‘I have,’ Gloria smiled at her. ‘Nathan wants a base in London so I’m having him as a lodger. I have four bedrooms and two are empty so I suggested he stay with me while he s
orts himself out.’

  ‘Oh… I see.’ Lorna struggled to hide her consternation at this piece of news. Had something gone on with Nathan the night she’d stayed at Mulberry Farm?

  Gloria eyed her sharply, ‘I’m stony broke and having him there will bring in some cash, you should do it too, Lorna, have a lodger, might help pay towards Ravenscourt.’

  ‘Oh, I… I don’t know, I don’t really want a stranger in the house and anyway I’d need a whole stack of lodgers to pay for Ravenscourt,’ Lorna said, going on to ask about Justin and Ellie to steer her away from talking about Nathan.

  The restaurant was buzzing with people having tea, cosy in the warm. Lorna bit into a tiny pistachio macaroon, savouring the burst of creamy filling. Flora had gone back to Oxford already and Marcus had gone to stay with friends in Scotland, ‘to celebrate New Year as it should be’ and was still there. Stephen was with Odile. Gloria and Rosalind appeared buoyant and enthusiastic with life, and Nathan had sent her a New Year text suggesting they meet up. Perhaps the New Year held more than she thought, for the joy she should be feeling at the arrival of a new member of the family was muffled under layers of painful complications.

  According to Flora, the marriage could be over, which was terrible for Tess. But Flora didn’t want to marry him, though she expected his support.

  ‘I’m too young to be stuck at home, like you were with Dad,’ she’d announced defiantly, as if daring Lorna to lecture her on her responsibility to give a stable home to the baby, which she probably naively thought could be tucked away somewhere like a doll and taken out when she wanted to play with it. Lorna bit her tongue and said nothing, reminding herself that Flora must make her own decisions – saying anything now would only antagonise her.

  ‘So this year you’ll be a granny,’ Gloria said, as if she guessed Lorna’s feelings. ‘Something to look forward to.’

  ‘It should be, but as you know, it’s fraught with difficulties,’ Lorna filled them in about the situation.

  ’So you don’t think they’ll marry?’

  ‘No, or live together apparently, though things might change when the baby is born. I doubt Flora’s flat mates will want to share with a crying baby. As we know, nothing in the world changes you quite as much as the birth of your first child. But by then Ben might have gone back to his wife, if she’ll have him, or not want to be with Flora and the baby. Or she might ditch him, find someone else, go back to Jamie, who knows?’ Lorna sighed.

  ‘What a mess,’ Rosalind frowned. ‘Let’s hope when the baby is actually born they’ll see sense, but I hope they won’t dump it on you, Lorna. You don’t want to be stuck back in the nursery again.’

  ‘No, I don’t, I’ll help of course, but not full time.’

  The waiter arrived with another pot of tea and when he’d gone, Rosalind turned to Gloria. ‘So, tell us about the party on Boxing Day at Mulberry Farm. Ivan has told me nothing – well you know what men are like, so let’s have all the gory details.’

  ‘It was fun, wonderful food of course,’ Gloria enthused, going on to describe the décor in the house and the other guests.

  ‘So what about Nathan? Did he not have any sexy, free men friends for you?’ Rosalind giggled.

  ‘One or two, but I talked mostly to him.’ Gloria said, picking up her tea and drinking it slowly as it was so hot.

  ‘So what did you talk about?’ Rosalind teased Gloria, ‘his food?’

  ‘A bit, but,’ Gloria faced Lorna, putting her cup down carefully in front of her. ‘Actually he talked about you.’

  ‘Me. Whatever for?’ She shrank with embarrassment. He’d joked about her appearing like a pantomime dame, amused the whole county with his description of what she wore in bed.

  ‘Nothing much, just asked if you had a man in your life, I think he was confused by the men staying at Ravenscourt, wanted to know who fitted with whom.’ Gloria regarded her intently, noticing her discomfort.

  ‘So what did you say?’ Had Gloria gone on about her plan – real or imagined – for him to buy Ravenscourt and he was sussing her out to check if she had a man in her life who’d decide the fate of Ravenscourt, or even pay for its restoration?

  Rosalind laughed, ‘I suppose it was a bit odd seeing the men and finding out they were at Ravenscourt for Christmas on their own,’ she said.

  ‘He didn’t know that when he first saw them, remember we were all there… I think he wondered if you might be having another go at your marriage.’

  ‘So what did you tell him?’ Lorna asked, feeling uncomfortable about being discussed, wondering how much Gloria had embellished her situation. She had a momentary vision of that kiss, why had he kissed her if he thought she had gone back to her marriage? No doubt it was just an impulsive gesture, taken without thought.

  ‘Just that you were divorced and had no one else at the moment. What did you think I was going to say?’ Gloria demanded, watching her as if she guessed there was something she was keeping from her.

  ‘I hope you didn’t go on about Ravenscourt,’ Lorna said bleakly. ‘My sister and brother-in-law are showing interest in it as well. Felicity has plans for a spiritual retreat.’

  ‘From what you’ve told us about Fergus, he’d turn in his grave at that,’ Rosalind laughed.

  Lorna smiled but kept her eyes on Gloria ‘I’ve got to get estimates on how much it needs spending on it and what is urgent, and if it’s worth doing and how much it will cost, so just leave me to it, please, Gloria.’

  ‘O.K, if that’s what you want, I’m only trying to be helpful,’ Gloria said defensively, her head down searching in her bag for something.

  ‘That’s what I’m afraid of,’ Lorna said to herself.

  Lorna was half way home on the bus when her mobile rang. It was Nathan.

  ‘Happy New Year again Lorna and thanks for your greetings too. I meant to get in touch before but I’ve been snowed under getting the brochure together and various things, how are you?’

  ‘F… fine, hope all’s well with you.’ How strange he’d rung just after she’d left Gloria and Rosalind. Had Gloria rung or texted him?

  ‘Yes, lots of decisions to make, New Year and all,’ he said. ‘How about you?’

  ‘The same… I’m going to be a granny; my daughter’s having a baby.’ She blurted, wondering what he’d think of that.

  ‘A granny? You’re far too young, when did she get married?’

  ‘She didn’t… she hasn’t.’

  ‘One of those. Well, I hope it all works out. I want to show you the pictures of Ravenscourt, I’m thrilled with them. Have you any plans to come down this way?”

  ‘I must come down soon, and decide how best to deal with the house. Everyone seems to have ideas – some more far-fetched than others – but I’ll get it surveyed first, go from there.’

  ‘Good thinking. If you need any advice about who to ask I might be able to help you, you’ve only to ask.’

  ‘Thanks, I’ll bear it in mind,’ she said, wishing she didn’t always feel that Ravenscourt loomed over any relationship that might develop between them.

  ‘Well, lovely to talk to you. Lorna, Beth’s just come in with various designs for the brochure. Pity you aren’t here to help me choose, but let me know when you next come down, I’m stuck here for a while.’

  It would be Beth disturbing our conversation, she thought bitterly. ‘I will, but I’m not sure quite when,’ she said, wishing she sounded warmer towards him but the thought of Beth hovering around him no doubt with her clip board, curbed her feelings. Telephone calls were so impersonal, if only they were together, she’d be able to judge his feelings better then.

  29

  An Unwelcome Visitor

  It was a filthy day in January, the grey, winter sky leaning hard down on them, squeezing rain over everywhere. Lorna set off, with a heavy heart, for Ravenscourt.

  Jonathan, her brother-in-law, had recommend a surveyor and his report made shocking reading. Ravenscourt needed immediate attention i
f it were to be saved and reading through the estimate Lorna was forced to accept what she’d known all along, that the cost was miles out of her reach. Apart from the considerable structural damage, it needed to be rewired and the plumbing, hot water system and boiler were years past their sell-by date. It would have to be sold, if possible, before it succumbed to the ravages of winter. Facing up to it hurt deeply, but it had to be done, and it wasn’t as if she’d been expecting such a present. She’d do her best by it and try to find someone who would love it and have the funds to restore it back to its original beauty, not rip it to pieces and turn it into some soulless monstrosity.

  She couldn’t bring herself to tell Gloria and Rosalind just yet and have Gloria bombarding her with ideas to save it, each one probably more outrageous than the next but she had to tell Clara, and a couple of capable estate agents (who were hopefully not enamoured with Sonia) that she was coming.

  Her car squelched up the drive, water running down in snaking rivulets on either side of her. She glimpsed the house through the curtain of rain. There it stood, stoic in the grey veil of teeming water. Her heart lurched and the image and the feel of Nathan’s kiss took over her senses. She stopped the car close to the house, and sat for a moment to compose herself. Clara was watching for her at the scullery window and rushed out with a large umbrella to lead her into the kitchen.

  ‘What a day, it makes Ravenscourt look at its worst,’ Lorna said. The house appeared bleak and sad, waiting for her as if to entomb her in its gloom. ‘I wouldn’t buy it if I saw it today.’