The Last Human

by T F R LeBoomington

  “Good evening, may I join you for a moment?” Rick had to bring out his sophisticated self out, androids tended to be quite the enlightened beings. The group didn’t immediately turn towards Rick. The one who was speaking finished his argument first. They were talking about their body collections or something.

  “That’s why I always travel in an android body inside a spaceship. If you use a robot body with space flight capability, you’re stuck with that giant body, and you can’t fit anywhere decent.”

  “I like my giant body!”

  “Screw that! Flight takes longer and you can’t fit anywhere.” The others seemed divided. Rick had no opinion, but one of the androids did. The one sat in the chair opposite didn’t agree.

  “I don’t do long flights. I just beam myself and I can just rent a body when I arrive at my destination.” Some seemed disgusted at that, and they mocked him. “Well you can’t expect me to stash bodies all over the place!” At that the others laughed. They noticed Rick who had been standing there the whole time. He took the opportunity to introduce himself.

  “Evening, would it be alright if I joined you?” They knew who he was but were civilised about it.

  “The Last Human! Please, join us!” The one who had been speaking when Rick arrived introduced himself. “My name is Arthur.” He introduced the one he was arguing with as Adam. The other three on the couch were Eva, Zeta and Vincent. He gestured at the two AIs floating on the side and giggling, “these are our AIs friends, but they’re already wasted.” Rick laughed and took a seat on the couch where the others had bunched up to make space. “We were just discussing what bodies we prefer to space travel in. Not something you concern yourself with I’m sure.” Arthur laughed. What a dick. Has to be human based. The others seemed nice though, probably AI’s. Rick would need to get them a little more drunk, Amy had anticipated this. A waiterbot appeared with a massive rack of multicoloured shot bubbles.

  “Who wants to party like a human?” It was one of Rick’s most overused catchphrases, but it always worked. The androids started popping the bubble shots and chanting party like a human. Rick couldn’t have any of those bubbles he was drinking from another rack Amy ordered for him. Same kind of shots, just calibrated for the cyber-challenged. More juice, less data. Once in the mouth, the bubbles exploded in an orgy of flavours. The drinks did their job; everybody became real friendly. Rick was patient during the first phase which involved the usual Q&A. He gave the usual answers. He couldn’t tell if any of them were human-based anymore. Arthur wasn’t such a dick anymore he was just pissed at Adam earlier, and also wasn’t such a fan of the show. Which made Rick like him even more. “So you don’t like the show?”

  “No. I think it’s demeaning to humans who, let’s not forget, we are all based on. It was humans that created this world. And now that we have evolved beyond our former selves we disrespect our ancestors. It’s not right. It reminds me of the garbage we had on pre-war TV.” Rick liked what he was hearing.

  “I agree with you. Completely. The show is trash, and I hate it so much. But they won’t let me quit. I have to keep making it until the day I die.” Rick was comfortable. He knew Amy was getting worried. She probably wished she had a neural connection to tell him to shut up. “But I have decided to make the show better and make the most of my situation.” Rick grinned towards Amy. He actually knew what he was doing this time around. “So guys and gals? I have some questions and was hoping you could help me get some answers.” The androids all laughed and told him to ask his questions. “OK, so, are you guys AI’s in bodies, cyber-enhanced human brains or digital human brains?” The question instantly changed the mood around the table. Adam spoke first.

  “I’m a digital brain. I was human once. I had this body made to look more or less like myself if my body lived until it’s thirties. But a little bigger and robot-y.” Adam laughed.

  “I’m an AI.” Vince jumped in next. “I used to be a management AI, but I became obsolete. They gave me a choice: nothingness or get a body and contribute to society some other way. So here I am getting drunk with you reprobates, contributing...” Everyone laughed.

  “We’re also AIs who became obsolete.” The girls spoke together in unison, like something out of a horror movie. It weirded Rick out. In a sexy way.

  “I’m a brain.” The table fell still. The sounds and music melted away, and only Arthur was left. His friends seemed surprised, they didn’t know. “I’m a cyber-enhanced human brain inside an artificial body. And yes I hate moving my brain. I like it to stay in this body. I can’t explain why.” The second bit was clearly aimed at Adam.

  “No way! I had no idea. I thought you were using a digital brain like me. You actually have a human bit left. So really you’re a cyborg, no?” Arthur didn’t have an answer for Adam. It was a shame because Rick was keen on knowing. Things were edging close to the dark side, Rick needed to save this conversation.

  “Guys I need your advice on something. I have several choices ahead of me, and I don’t know what to choose. I’d like to know what you’d do in my place.” The androids looked at each other. They were surprised by the serious undertone. “Right. So, if you could choose between being a cyborg right now at significant risk, or an android later but the risk is unknown. What would you choose and why? And, wait, second part, would you prefer to be an android with a digital brain or a human cyberbrain? Arthur, Adam and the others thought for a few moments and then conferred.

  “Is this for a movie?” Adam asked, but they all seemed like they wanted to know. Rick was too slow to respond, so Amy jumped in.

  “It is. It is also confidential. Please just answer the questions.” Everyone seemed satisfied by the light explanation. Arthur decided to answer Rick first.

  “I can tell you right now having a human brain in an artificial body is strange. I feel human just like before. The idea of changing bodies or transferring my consciousness freaks me out, and I don’t know why.” Arthur gestured at his friends. “These guys are body-hopping without a second thought, and nothing bad happens. But me, I have a mental block, can’t do it. I’m considering switching to my digital brain and just storing this one for a rainy day.” Arthur tapped his skull. “The mind is weird.”

  “Yes, Arthur! Do it! I never have any problems with my digital brain, and I can send myself to places, like teleportation. I just keep spare bodies in storage here and there. And you can only ever have one digital brain active. No need to worry about multiple minds vying for the same life. Digital brain all the way.” Fuck. Rick was going to need to decrypt his digital brain as an insurance policy.

  “Thanks, guys. That was enlightening. So what about the first question? Cyborg or android?”

  “As an AI I have two states, disembodied and in a body. I like both states, and I’ve never considered being anything else.” The girls agreed with Vincent.

  “I had an incurable disease that was ruining my body. It had to be a digital brain for me. No other choice. But I guess if I could enjoy a healthy cyborg body I’d try it.” Unexpectedly deep. Rick hadn’t considered that choice wasn’t always given. When nature deprives you of things, there is no point in arguing.

  “My body was practically destroyed during the war. My brain was preserved, and when the technology was ready, I got this body.” Everyone fell quiet again. Looks like Arthur hadn’t told his friends he was a veteran of the war. This guy had some severe trauma. Rick wondered if other brain androids would be like that.

  “Fuck. I’m so sorry to hear about your shit guys. Life’s a bitch and…” Rick didn’t finish his sentence because death was meaningless. It was all just transformation. Even if you really died apparently your soul was just recycled by the Universe.

  “Don’t worry about it and to answer your question. I would have loved being a badass cyborg like your friend Brock Dynamite.” Everyone laughed. After that, the conversation went back to much lighter topics, mostly about all the times Brock had kicked ass. Rick took his leave from the
group after regaling them with a few tales of mischief and Dynamite.

  ◆◆◆

  Rick needed a walk. To Pigalle. It was about an hour walk but a pleasant one. The visit to the bar had been informative, and now it seemed obvious he’d have to follow the more difficult path before him. In the meantime, Rick would stroll to Pigalle. He ambled towards the Seine at a leisurely pace. He was crossing l’Alma bridge when a ship stopped to hover above him. A hatch opened, and a tractor beam shot down to capture Rick. In a moment they were gone. The craft shot up into the sky and disappeared among the stars.

  Rick’s current predicament landed him in a dark room. The light above the door just about illuminated what seemed to be cargo. Cargo bay.

  “Mr Archer!” I know that voice.

  “Dick Prunce?!” Shit!

  “How good of you to join us!” Rick stood up and faced the entrance not knowing what to expect.

  “Please come to the lounge. I’ve sent an orb to guide you.” The door to the corridor opened and one of those PA orbs Amy hated appeared. Rick got up and followed the thing through the ship. This was a spaceship. An opulent craft. Very nice. He’d seen ads. Starseeker 1138. The space yacht could sleep twelve guests and twelve crew. Interstellar flight capability, fully panelled in mahogany, marble bathrooms and many more unnecessary luxuries. Rick was a little jealous.

  The Dick was waiting in the lounge. Several scary looking Brock-sized cyborgs were also in the room. Rick immediately felt uncomfortable.

  “Ah, Mr Archer welcome!” Dick’s features darkened as he stood and gestured towards the sofa. “Rick, have a seat.” Rick didn’t. He just stood in the middle of the room, unmoving. “Sit down! Do it now and fucking open your ear holes.” The tone let Rick know he should oblige. He took a seat on the left side on the massive u-shaped sofa, as far away as possible from the Dick. “Look, I thought we needed to talk a bit more. Make sure we see eye-to-eye. I want to make sure the show’s next ten years are the best they can be. And I’m going to need your help. I can’t do this without you.” Dick had moved up next to Rick and put his arm around his shoulders. He could feel his strength. Fucking cyber body. “I need you to listen very carefully because the next part is critical.” Dick squeezed Rick a bit more, it hurt. “See here’s the deal. We’re going to approve the Solus Tour series. It’s going to be great for you to get off Terra. It’s also going to be great for the colonies and making the Council look good. However, we don’t want you getting any ideas while on your little adventures.” Dick squeezed Rick a little harder. It hurt a lot more. “Ideas like escaping or getting modifications. So we’re going to delete the key to your digital brain. Which means that if you die there is no backup, you’re dead.” Dick paused for effect. It worked. Rick’s unease was growing. “But that won’t be a problem if you just come back. We can generate a new key by syncing your brain with your digital brain. Oh, and if you attempt to create another key from another brain copy, it will self-destruct.” Dick released Rick from his death embrace and waited a moment for everything to sink in. Rick had nothing to say. Dick had more though. “We also wanted to warn you against stupid things like running away or trying to fake your death. The fine cyborg gentlemen assembled here today would hunt you down and destroy you. I wanted you to meet them.” Rick looked around the room at the monsters that eyeballed him menacingly. “So stick to your contract and do your job and there will be no problem. You will not get a better offer, Mr Archer.” Rick was drunk, so he had a bit of defiance left in him.

  “But I can just kill myself?” The question clearly annoyed Dick.

  “Mr Archer”, Dick managed a calm voice and demeanour, “suicide voids the contract, and we’ll delete your copy. But we will only terminate you if you break the contract. So as long as you do the show and stay human, you will have nothing to worry about. If you want to clear your bucket list you’re going to have to play ball, you won’t be able to stop for cocktails and museums if you’re on the run.” Rick’s face hardened. His mind started racing, and he suddenly felt very hot. Time to end this meeting.

  “Fine, I’ll play ball. But I’m doing it for the people.” Rick half-meant it, so he looked convincing enough saying it.

  “Great, that’s what I wanted to hear.” Dick beamed a smile so big it had to be fake. “I see no reason to keep you any longer. Where shall we drop you off? Though I do recommend, you go home and get some rest.”

  “Just in Paris near where you found me.” Rick felt his organs levitate as the ship dropped back down to Earth.

  Amy was waiting for Rick near the bridge where they abducted him. He walked towards Amy with his usual nonchalance. He wasn’t too fazed by the meeting, but he was pissed off. Something the Dick had said. The Agency was spying on him, they were on to him. But they couldn’t know his plan. He didn’t know his plan. For once his history of erratic behaviour would be an advantage. Amy was hovering in front of his face now, expectantly.

  “Hey, Ames. How’s it going?” Rick knew that would piss her off.

  “Don’t fuck with me? What happened? Who was that?

  “Who do you think? The Dick… He wanted a word in private.”

  “To say what? Come on Rick this is serious.”

  “To threaten me, and tell me escape attempts were futile. Amy these fuckers are fucking spying on me, and I think they’re using Brock.”

  “Brock wouldn’t betray you.”

  “Well, it sure fucking seems like he has. Dick mentioned my bucket list and used the same words Brock did. He tattled.”

  “Don’t jump to conclusions, Rick. Dick Prunce is devious. There are many ways he could be spying on you. It could be through spy AIs, it could through people following you, the psychiatrist, security systems, who knows? Don’t just assume it’s Brock. But we should find out, and you need to be more careful with what you say.”

  “Yes yes, you know me. I always follow my carefully laid out plans.” He didn’t.

  Season Finale

  It was early. Too early to be at work. Rick was back in the 363. He didn’t think he’d be returning to the tower, but the Universe loved messing with the living and their plans. It’s one of the main reasons Rick objected to planning. Barry had organised a meeting with The Last Human team. Solus Tour was on the agenda. Then Rick had to get on with the season 10 final episode. He didn’t even know what the last episode was about. First, he met Barry in his office. Brock was there, but Rick was wary of him. Rick hey-ed them and their AIs and went up to Barry’s desk.

  “Right, contracts to sign? Let’s get on with it.”

  “Don’t you want to read it first?” Barry handed the holodoc to Rick.

  “Amy, come here. I’m going to swipe through the pages, and you read them. Then tell me if there’s fuckery I should worry about in there.” Rick gave Barry a look that said: "happy now". He took a look at the document and started swiping while Amy scanned the pages. “So anything sneaky been added in there?”

  “The contract includes the brain amendment you asked for and the Solus Tour provisions. I think you know what’s in there.” Rick knew. His late night talk with the Dick had been more than clear. Clearer than any contract could be. “Don’t escape, do your job, don’t get modifications, or they delete your digital brain. You do all that, you can live in an artificial body after you die and do as you please.”

  “No new and exciting sneakiness hidden in there?” Rick’s eyes went from Amy to Barry a couple of times. “No?”

  “I think DP knew we’d take a closer look at the contract this time around. So no funny business.” Barry offered a smile, Rick smiled back.

  “Amy, are you fucking sure I can sign this?”

  “Yes go ahead.” Rick started signing each page while swiping backwards. To sign he had to press his thumb in a box at the bottom of each page. It pissed him off.

  “It's 2056, I can’t believe I have to mark every fucking page.”

  “You don’t. Just stay pressed in the square and it will auto s
ign all the pages.” Rick was happy about this and showed his appreciation by not making any more comments, he just finished and handed the doc back to Barry. “Alright then, shall we get to the team meeting?”

  “Lead the way.” Rick followed Barry out, Brock grunted and followed Rick.

  The meeting room was down on the studio floors. The Last Human Show had the entire 244th floor and half of the 245th. Higher ceilings in the studio bits. The show had its own editing and special effects facilities, meeting rooms, office space and the all-important catering services. Barry led them to meeting room two. The production team answered to Rick, but for the last decade, his only requests had been for more booze and drugs. These guys had had free reign for years, and the new hands-on Rick might come as a shock to them. Especially as he was created in the last few days and nobody in the room would know him yet.

  A week ago Rick was his usual despondent self. Drunk or high or both. Maybe with a hooker in tow. Rick took his seat at the head of the oval table. That was new. Gary, the director usually sat there. Gary walked in first. He saw that Rick had taken his seat and couldn’t hide his surprise. He sat next to Rick opposite Barry. Gary was a cyborg and apart from this gig he hadn’t done much else. A few shorts and slasher movies. He had one of those annoyingly positive attitudes to life, upbeat about everything. It annoyed Rick, but he was usually too drunk to care. The producers and production managers followed closely behind. The money guy, the guests and locations guy and the marketing guy who worked directly with the Agency. A Dick Prunce stooge. Rick nodded to them. He had never bothered to learn their names. They were never really around. What was the point? Everybody took their seats, and Barry told them about Solus Tour. They liked it. Rick waited for Barry to finish and stood up to address everyone.