To Dream Anew

by Tracie Peterson

  “Let’s go find Joshua,” Jerrod said, starting for the house.

  “Lotta good he’ll be,” Roy grumbled.

  They headed into the house and bellowed for anyone who would take notice. “Elsa! Joshua! Where is everybody?”

  “What’s all the hollering about?” Elsa asked as she came to the top of the stairs.

  “There’s a fire to the south—may come this way. Pa said to pack clothes for all of us and get some food put together. Cook can help.”

  Elsa’s eyes widened. “A fire? Is it close?”

  “Well, it’s close enough to get to work,” Jerrod said, unsympathetic to her fear.

  “I don’t know what to pack.”

  “Just get some clothes together for everybody. Nobody has seen Mara, so you’d best pack for her too.”

  “What about Portia? She’s not been around all day. Should I pack clothes for her?”

  “I wouldn’t worry about her,” Jerrod said. “I doubt she’ll be needing much of anything.” Elsa frowned but said nothing.

  About that time Joshua came meandering in from the study. “What’s all the yelling about?”

  “There’s a fire coming this way,” Elsa said before her brothers could answer.

  “Pa said for you to help us load the wagons with anything we need to take. We’re s’pose to get all his papers from the safe, along with Mother’s jewelry.”

  “Fire? Here?” Joshua asked, going to the front window.

  “No, south of here. Now put up your book,” Jerrod said, pointing at the one in Joshua’s hand, “and give us some help.”

  “Where are the others? Where are Pa and Portia? Where’s Mara?”

  Jerrod shrugged. “Pa’s ridden to town to see how close the fire actually is to coming this direction. As for the others, I got no idea. Don’t much care either. If they aren’t smart enough to get themselves out of harm’s way, they deserve whatever happens to them.”

  “How can you say that?” Joshua questioned, taking a step toward Jerrod. “Mara’s our sister, and while I don’t like Portia, she is married to our father.”

  “Mara’s no fool. She’ll find a way to safety. Portia’s on her own. She’s dealt this family dirty since marrying Pa. I don’t much care what happens to her,” Jerrod said matter-of-factly. “Now, go gather up Grandpa Lawrence’s wedding picture while we get the papers in the office. If you see anything else that Pa would want, grab it too. You’d know better what that might be than me. I only listen to the old man when I have to. I sure never heard him talk about any affection he held for doodads.”

  Joshua looked as though he might say something more, then let out a loud breath and left to do as he was told.

  “You too. Get to it!” Jerrod bellowed at Elsa. The girl jumped and then ran down the hall.

  Jerrod smacked Roy with the back of his hand. “Come on. We’d best get to this. Next thing you know, Portia will have burned us down along with the Selbys.”

  Joshua stood in the doorway, watching his brothers cross the front room to their father’s study. He’d wanted to ask them about their mother’s china, but because they were talking, he’d remained silent.

  So Portia had set the fire? He couldn’t imagine anyone being so careless. Why would she do something so heinous when the summer had been so dry and the threat of fire so much of a concern?

  He wanted to ask Jerrod and Roy but knew better than to do so. His older brothers had neither time nor patience for him. If they’d wanted him to know the truth about Portia’s deeds, they would have told him. For some reason, they were keeping this matter to themselves, and for the time being, Joshua thought it best to play ignorant.

  Ardith sat quietly on one side of the church. So many people had come to gather for protection here that the place was filling up quickly. Winona sat sleeping, at last, on her lap, her head tucked against Ardith’s shoulder. The fire had terrified Winona, and while Ardith had tried to comfort her daughter, she realized her own worries over Levi were threatening to bring her to tears.

  If ever she had doubted her love for that man, she could no longer do so. She’d been unable to think of anything else since they’d abandoned the ranch. Ardith knew he was out there somewhere, driving the cattle and horses to safety, but it did little to offer her comfort. It might be days or even weeks, she’d heard someone say, before the fires would be put out and they’d know the extent of the damage.

  Ardith saw Dianne helping Charity create some spaces for the families who’d gathered. They’d taken the pews and rearranged them to quarter off sections for those who wanted to create pallets and seek rest. In Charity’s house, Ardith knew that Koko and Faith were working to feed the growing numbers. Ardith thought she should go and help, but she felt so weary—so hopeless.

  I can’t lose hope, she told herself over and over. I lost hope once, and God restored it . She thought back to the miscarriage and how tenderly God had nurtured her spirit and body. Surely He wouldn’t bring her this far only to desert her now.

  Charity approached her, as she always seemed to do when Ardith was at her lowest point. “You look tired. Why don’t you go on over to our house and have a rest on our bed?”

  “I can’t stop wondering about Levi. Aren’t you worried?”

  “Terrified,” she said as she slipped into the pew beside Ardith. “I want him here with us, but I know he has to do his job.”

  “I know that too. It’s just that we need him so much.”

  “No one knows your needs better than God.”

  “I realize that. I’m trying to be faithful.”

  Charity hugged her close. “Oh, child, just remember He is faithful even when we are not. He knows how hard this is for you. He loves you … despite your worries, your doubts.”

  Ardith met the woman’s confident gaze. In so many ways, Charity had become like a mother to her. She opened her mouth to ask how she might help when Ben approached. His expression was grave.

  “The fire is heading this way. It looks like it might very well burn Madison to the ground.”

  CHAPTER 30

  “THIS IS A LOSING BATTLE,” COLE ANNOUNCED TO GEORGE and Jamie. “I can’t keep fighting for the ranch and look for Luke at the same time.”

  “The ranch is a goner,” George said stoically. He put his arm around Jamie’s shoulders. “That fire is heading here too quickly. The south pasture is already burning.”

  “I have to find my son,” Cole said, the desperation in his soul spilling into his tone of voice. “I can’t believe we haven’t seen some sign of him.”

  “We’ve searched everywhere. Jamie went through the house and looked in all the hiding places they used to play in.” George shook his head. “He doesn’t seem to be anywhere.”

  “I’ve gone over and over what Dianne said. She told him to go down to the corral and get me, but he never came. Or if he did, I was already gone to inspect the fire.”

  “What route did you take? Is it possible he saw you leave and came after you?”

  George’s words hit hard. “I suppose it’s possible,” Cole admitted. “But he would have been on foot. We took his pony out with the remaining horses nearly an hour ago.”

  “It’s worth a look to see,” George suggested. “Rethink your path. Which way did you go?”

  “I headed to the river. I knew it would be the easiest way to survey the fire. The water is low and the horse had no trouble picking his way along the shore.”

  “Then let’s go.” George motioned Jamie to mount up.

  “All right. It’s worth a try.”

  “Cole!” Gus called from the bunkhouse as they passed by.

  Cole walked the horse to where Gus stood. “Why are you still here? You need to get out. Get whoever else is here and leave immediately. We’ll meet up in Madison at the church.”

  “I was just going to tell you that we were heading out,” Gus said, his bandanna drawn up around his face. “You’d better wear those kerchiefs. That smoke ain’t healthy to breathe
.”

  Cole knew Gus was right and pulled up his neckerchief to ward off as much smoke as possible. George and Jamie did likewise. “We’re heading to the river to retrace my steps. It’s possible that Luke followed me down there and just couldn’t keep up.”

  “Are you sure the line of fire won’t cut off your route back?” Gus questioned.

  “If it does, we’ll make our own way. We’ll head north and come into town that way. If you see Dianne, don’t tell her we talked. She’ll only fret if she thinks we haven’t found Luke. I need to be the one to tell her if it all goes wrong.”

  Gus nodded. Cole could only see his eyes, but they were filled with compassion—maybe even a tear or two.

  “We’re wasting time,” Cole said, mounting and urging his horse back to the trail. “I’ll meet you in Madison, Gus. Don’t try anything heroic.”

  “I might say the same for you,” Gus called after him, “but I know I’d be wastin’ my time.”

  The heat was unbearable as they drew nearer the fire’s edge. The flames were licking up the sides of green pine and fir, shooting some seventy feet into the air. The smoke was so thick now that it was nearly impossible to see more than a few feet ahead of the horses.

  Coughing, Cole tried not to think of Luke being choked to death on the smoke. He tried not to think of Dianne sitting in Madison with John and Micah, worried and full of sorrow over the loss of her eldest child.

  Oh, God, Cole prayed, comfort her. Comfort her and give her peace. Give her hope. Let her know that you haven’t forgotten her … or Luke. Help me to find my boy, Father. You spoke of leaving the ninety-nine to find the one. This is no different. I love that one, the same as I love the others. I would give my life for him, and if that’s the price, then I accept it gladly. Just save him. Please, save him .

  Joshua Lawrence had no idea why Portia would set a fire during the driest season of the year. And he had no idea why Jerrod and Roy would know about it. They seemed, however, to be quite at peace with what had taken place.

  Sometimes Joshua felt like he didn’t know his own family. They were all such a mystery, with exception to Mara. She was only a year his junior and sweet-tempered. His seventeen years had not been easy in a family of cutthroats who would just as soon sell each other out if it meant making a profit. But Mara had made it bearable. She often shared his feelings and concerns that their family had more than the average amount of troubles.

  He couldn’t understand his family. The more he read about ideals—about cultures and their religions, about philosophy and what people perceived as truth—the more Joshua was inclined to believe that his family was either insane or the most ignorant bunch of ninnies this side of the Mississippi.

  As he secured the bags that Elsa had packed, Joshua couldn’t help but worry about Mara. It wasn’t like her to run off. She usually would let him know what she was thinking—doing. She’d even confided in him that she’d taken the paper her father had stolen from the courthouse in Virginia City. She explained that she’d given it back to the Selbys because she couldn’t stand to see her father cheat even one more person out of his rightful share.

  He had told her she’d done the right thing. And she had. He would believe that as long as he lived, and he would go to the grave keeping her secret.

  “Joshua! Come get these bags. They’re too heavy. Stop wasting time!” Elsa bellowed like their father.

  He left what he was doing and hurried to the porch. “You could have just waited. I would have come to get them.”

  Elsa dropped the bags and put her hands on her hips. “You would have stood there daydreaming if I hadn’t hollered at you. Mother always said you were the dreamer in the family. Well, there’s no time for that when the entire countryside is burning down around us. We could all be dead in a matter of hours.”

  “And if you died—if we all died—don’t you wonder what would happen then?” Joshua asked as he picked up the bags.

  Elsa frowned. “What a stupid question. When you die, you’re dead. That’s it.”

  “Is it?” He’d read enough to convince himself that there was an afterlife. He just wasn’t exactly sure which religious belief was the right one. All ways seemed to point to God, or in some cases, gods. He liked the idea of eternal life but didn’t know if he preferred ideas that suggested eternity in a heaven where he would spend time worshiping God with the angels or if the idea of reincarnation—coming back to life as something or someone completely different—was more appealing. Surely the idea of starting over and making right one’s mistakes during another life had its appealing side.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. We’re in the middle of a fire,” Elsa complained. “Papa’s not back, and we don’t know where Mara is. And you want to talk about what happens after a person dies?”

  “Well, like you said, it’s possible we’ll all be dead soon.” Elsa shook her head as if not wanting to hear anymore. Joshua took pity on her. “I just wondered what you thought. That was all.”

  He picked up the bags and turned to go, but Elsa called after him. “Josh, wait.” He stopped and looked over his shoulder to see her run down the porch steps to come even with him. “What do you know about what happens after a person dies?”

  Joshua shook his head. “I really don’t know. There are lots of beliefs out there.”

  “What about the ones they talk about in the church at Madison? You know that stuff about Jesus dying for our sins so that we can have eternal life?”

  Joshua smiled. “So you were listening, eh?”

  Elsa looked close to tears. “I know Papa only wanted to go so he could hear the latest gossip. He doesn’t even believe in God, but ever since Mother died, I can’t help but wonder about those things. She believed there was a God. I know, because she told me she was taught to pray and believe in God when she was a little girl.”

  Joshua had never heard these stories. The girls were the ones who heard most of the tales from their mother. From the time he’d been old enough to sit on a horse, his father had tried to make a rancher out of him. But ranching just wasn’t in his blood.

  “Mother was no fool. She might have been intimidated by our father and his opinions, but she wasn’t stupid. If she believed in God—the Christian God—then I would say it merits some attention.”

  Elsa nodded, her fear evident in every move, every expression. Joshua put the bags down again and opened his arms to Elsa. It was the first time since she’d been a little girl that he’d even offered such a thing. She quickly embraced him, burying her face against his chest.

  “I’m scared, Josh. I’m scared through and through. Please tell me it’s going to be all right. Please tell me I’m not going to die before I even get my first kiss—my first beau.”

  Joshua smiled. “I’ll take care of you, Elsa. Don’t worry. We’ll get through this just fine.”

  “Promise?”

  He felt a confidence that he couldn’t explain. Was it because of Elsa’s words about their mother’s beliefs? Was this the sign he needed to know which direction to go? “I promise,” he said softly. “I promise we’ll make it through this, and I promise to figure out about what happens after we die. And when I do, you’ll be one of the first to know. Deal?”

  Elsa lifted her head to reveal her tear-filled eyes. “Deal.”

  Levi was smoke blind. There was no chance of figuring out which direction he needed to go. He’d come after strays, thinking there was enough time to get ahead of the fire, but the winds were blowing too hard.

  Coughing and unable to get a decent breath, he knew there was little hope of making it out alive. His horse stumbled, wheezing and snorting in the poisonous air. He should have stayed with the others. He shouldn’t have tried to be heroic.

  He fell forward against the horse’s neck. The smoke was going to kill him, as sure as anything. He gagged and wheezed, then fell from the back of his mount, hitting hard on the ground below.

  Levi tried to get back up, but he couldn’
t find the strength. His lungs were filled with the hot noxious gases.

  Ardith, I love you. I never knew what love was until I met you. I wish I could tell you that just one more time. I wish … I wish … I … could … see you … and Winona. I wish … our baby would … have lived .

  He fell flat on his back, fighting to keep from losing consciousness, but it was hopeless. Oh, God, he prayed in his final moments,forgive me my sins and take me to your bosom .

  “Have you seen anything?” Ardith asked Dianne as she joined her outside.

  Dianne had been faithfully watching the horizon for the past hour. “No. I know they’ll be here. I feel confident of that.”

  Ardith shook her head. “I think it’s bad, Dianne. I think we have to accept that something very bad can happen in this.”

  Dianne turned to meet her sister’s worried expression. “I don’t care about the house or anything else. I just want Luke found and the rest to return safely with him. Nothing else is as important as our loved ones.”

  Ardith said nothing for several moments, then asked, “Where will the men drive the cattle? Can we go there after Cole and Luke come back?”

  “I don’t know where they’ve gone. They’ll go wherever they can to escape the blaze. We’ll have to ask Cole where he instructed them to go.”

  Dianne put her arm around Ardith. “I’m sure Levi is fine. He’s a good rancher, and he knows his way around the valley. He’s been here, after all, longer than I have—barely.” She smiled. “He used to like to tease me about that. Said it gave him the right to boss me around.”

  Ardith smiled. “He loved you very much back then.”

  Dianne felt her cheeks grow hot. “You know about that?”

  “He told me. He didn’t want there to be any secrets between us. He said he thought he was in love with you as a man should be in order to marry. But after you and Cole were wed, he came to realize it was your strength and fortitude that he loved. He always felt like he had to prove himself—to show that he had strength and was of good character. It was hard for him, but with God’s help, he overcame that. I’m proud of him for that.”